After an exciting week in which idiots with backhoes took out my internet line and my ISP failed spectacularly in having anything remotely resembling customer service, I am here in time for Pole Follies. Ain't y'all just lucky.
1. (20) Matt Kenseth, Dollar General Toyota
Well, this can't end well.
2. (2) Brad Keselowski, Miller Lite Ford
3. (19) Carl Edwards, Comcast Business Toyota
4. (4) Kevin Harvick, Jimmy John's/Budweiser Chevy
Flipper finds himself in an RCSOQ sandwich.
5. (11) Denny Hamlin, FedEx Freight Toyota
Can we get Mikey to throw tacos on Damnlin's car every week?
6. (22) Joey Logano, Autotrader Ford
Let's keep the auto and trade Logano.
7. (41) Kurt Busch, Haas Automation Chevy
The dippy blonde on the Xfinity broadcast just referred to Larry Mac and Kenny Wallace as "the sound and the fury." Not sure which is which.
8. (5) Kasey Kahne, Great Clips Chevy
Nothing to do with Kandy, but I may have to break down and turn on the a/c, because it is horrifically hot in this house.
9. (27) Paul Menard, Sylvania/Menards Chevy
Menard seems to be having a good season. We should put a stop to this.
10. (1) Jamie McMurray, McDonald's Chevy
He denies me the Bass Boat Song again.
11. (18) David Ragan, Snickers Xtreme Toyota
Oh, there'll be snickers, all right. Have you seen Kyle Busch's legs?
12. (3) Austin Dillon, DOW Chevy
Man, he's looking particularly stupid in that cowboy hat today.
13. (88) Dale Earnhardt, Jr., Mountain Dew Dewshine Chevy
14. (42) Kyle Larson, Target Chevy
No, seriously. DEWSHINE?
15. (51) Justin Allgaier, Auto-Owners Insurance Chevy
Sorry. Still stuck on the stupid Dewshine.
16. (78) Martin Truex Jr. Furniture Row/Visser Precision Chevy
This announcer just called Bristol a tamed-down version of something. Dude, have you ever been to Bristol?
17. (40) Landon Cassill, Chevy
Lando apparently took heart from seeing the new Star Wars trailer.
18. (31) Ryan Newman, WIX Chevy
$18.31 is about what that team has left after all the fines.
19. (95) Michael McDowell, Thrivent Financial Ford
You'd think a car sponsored by a money company wouldn't land in the $19.95 slot.
20. (47) A.J. Allmendinger, Bush's Beans Chevy
I had baked beans last week. I'm good for awhile.
21. (14) Tony Stewart, Bass Pro Shops/Mobil 1 Chevy
I got nothing on Tony.
22. (83) Matt Dibenedetto, Dustless Blasting Toyota
Considering the amount of rain over the last week and in the forecast, I don't think dust is going to be a problem.
23. (24) Jeff Gordon, 3M Chevy
Close but no RCSOQ for Jeffypoo.
24. (55) Brett Moffitt, Aaron's Dream Machine Toyota
Not to knock Mr. Moffitt, but is there any word on Teh Squish?
25. (17) Ricky Stenhouse, Jr., Zest Ford
26. (10) Danica Patrick, GoDaddy Chevy
Guys, didn't you do this last week?
27. (13) Casey Mears, GEICO Chevy
I think that's where Snrch finished last week.
28. (48) Jimmie Johnson, Lowe's Chevy
29. (23) J.J. Yeley, Dr Pepper I'm a Pepper Toyota
No, not a pepper, a Squash.
30. (43) Aric Almirola, Smithfield Ford
Pepper, squash, ham, sounds like a fucking recipe in here.
31. (6) Trevor Bayne, AdvoCare Ford
Trevor, you will have no luck until you get a sponsor that's not a crappy diet product.
32. (38) David Gilliland, MDS Transport Ford
I had some notes, but then I had to wreck my computer desk.
33. (16) Greg Biffle, Ortho Ford
I'm thinking this exterminator sponsorship just isn't a good idea for somebody who was once christened a bug-eyed dummy.
34. (26) Jeb Burton, MaximFantasySports.com Toyota
I thought Maxim was about other kinds of fantasies.
35. (98) Josh Wise, Phil Parsons Racing Ford
This dude on Fox keeps asking if I want something awesome, but then talks about baseball. I don't get it.
36. (46) Michael Annett, Pilot/Flying J Chevy
Apparently the sponsor has a shiny new coffee cup for sale. Yes, I am this low on material.
37. (15) Clint Bowyer, 5-hour Energy Toyota
Bowyer would appear to be slumming a bit.
38. (34) Chris Buescher, CSX/Play It Safe Ford
Safe? At Bristol?
39. (9) Sam Hornish Jr. Nature Blast Ford
I don't think putting Smash and "blast" in the same sentence is a good idea. Especially at Bristol.
40. (7) Alex Bowman, Chevy
This would have been an excellent opportunity for the narwhals.
41. (32) Mike Bliss, Keen Parts/Visone RV Ford
The field is Blissful.
42. (35) Cole Whitt, Tweaker Energy Shots Ford
Isn't "tweaker" slang for some kind of drug addict?
43. (33) Alex Kennedy, Media Cast Chevy
We must be on that generation gap again, transitioning from Jeffs and Dales to Kyles and Alexes.
Did not qualify
(62) Brendan Gaughan, Vydox Plus Chevy
Not to be confused with the Vydox Minus Chevy.
(30) Ron Hornaday, Curtis Key Plumbing Chevy
That gives a whole new meaning to "running for shit."