1. (41) Kurt Busch, Haas Automation Chevy
I guess NASCAR couldn't throw a random caution in qualifying.
2. (4) Kevin Harvick, Budweiser/Jimmy John's Chevy
Dumbo School of Qualifying for Harvick, and considering that Dumbo is the guy in front of him, this is kinda weird.
3. (2) Brad Keselowski, Miller Lite Ford
4. (5) Kasey Kahne, Great Clips Chevy
Close but no RCSOQ, you guys.
5. (48) Jimmie Johnson, Lowe's Pro Services Chevy
Out of idle curiosity, if the squabbling between Jimmie and K-naus gets too bad, what happens? They both have lifetime Hendrick contracts. Would they just inflict the Dead Ferret on Chase Elliott next year?
6. (22) Joey Logano, Shell Pennzoil Ford
Can we not just kidnap him and make him miss a few races? I'm sure somebody in Kentucky has a spare stall.
7. (31) Ryan Newman, Caterpillar Chevy
Apparently, this team took itty-bitty drills and made itty-bitty holes in their tires.
I'm not aghast that someone was cheating. I'm aghast that they couldn't come up with a better way.
8. (27) Paul Menard, Quaker State/Menards Chevy
Menard seems to have taken a page from the Sneaky Ninja.
Give that back.
9. (42) Kyle Larson, AXE Chevy
That sounds dangerous.
10. (1) Jamie McMurray, Cessna/McDonald's Chevy
Ah, so close to a Bass Boat song.
11. (14) Tony Stewart, Rush Truck Centers/Mobil 1 Chevy
It was good to see Tony in the lead again, and my 1999 self just had a heart attack and died from the fact that I actually said that.
12. (24) Jeff Gordon, Panasonic Chevy
Jeffy helped call the Xfinity race last night. There was a lovely shot from the booth in which they managed to make him look the same height as Mikey. Talk about yer special effects.
13. (21) Ryan Blaney, Motorcraft/Quick Lane Tire & Auto Center Ford
1321: Dante died. Yes, that Dante.
14. (3) Austin Dillon, Dow Chevy
I don't care if this is Texas, you're still gonna look stupid in that hat.
15. (78) Martin Truex Jr., Furniture Row/Visser Precision Chevy
Do you realize that there are four guys in this race named "something Junior," and only one of the accompanying Seniors was actually in this sport at a level high enough to require the use of the damn "junior" to begin with?
16. (19) Carl Edwards, Stanley Racing For A Miracle Toyota
17. (20) Matt Kenseth, Dollar General Toyota
18. (11) Denny Hamlin, FedEx Office Toyota
I'm noticing a theme here.
19. (16) Greg Biffle, Safety-Kleen Ford
Biff, it's bad enough that you keep wrecking. Can you at least manage to wreck before the last lap?
20. (13) Casey Mears, GEICO Chevy
I'll be in the corner, waiting for the Bubbles Curse to really, seriously smack the shit out of Snrch's season.
21. (10) Danica Patrick, TaxAct/GoDaddy Chevy
22. (17) Ricky Stenhouse Jr., Zest Ford
Now they're qualifying together. You know, guys, too much togetherness can be a bad thing.
23. (6) Trevor Bayne, AdvoCare Ford
This has nothing to do with Bayne, on whom I have nothing, but apparently Jeff Gordon's stepdaddy hung up on the Cat in the Hat twice during negotiations to get a young Jeff Gordon to Roush.
24. (51) Justin Allgaier, Flipping Ships Chevy
Well, I have definitely been lingering around fandom too long.
25. (88) Dale Earnhardt Jr., Nationwide Chevy
Gloom! Despair! Agony--oh, sorry, just channeling my mother for a second.
26. (47) A.J. Allmendinger, Bush's Beans Chevy
This is just making me want a cookout more. If only I weren't scared of dealing with grills.
27. (15) Clint Bowyer, 5-Hour Energy Toyota
Have we seen Clint anywhere this season besides the commercials and Xfinity booth?
28. (46) Michael Annett, Northland Motor Oil Chevy
I guess Texas is as good a place as any for a motor oil sponsor.
29. (9) Sam Hornish Jr., Medallion Bank/Lyon Financial Ford
*flips notes* Nothing on Smash. Except that he will, most likely, go smash.
30. (18) David Ragan, Interstate Batteries Toyota
The number of times in the last few weeks that I have been enjoined to look at pictures of Kyle Busch's scrawny white legs is just ridiculous. As are the scrawny white legs in question.
31. (35) Cole Whitt, Front Row Motorsports Ford
Hi. Who are you again?
32. (43) Aric Almirola, Eckrich Ford
Having taught the announcers to pronounce his name, for the most part, Aric is moving on to unpronounceable sponsors.
33. (40) Landon Cassill, CRC Knock'er Loose Chevy
I don't even want to know.
34. (7) Alex Bowman, Accell Construction Chevy
I miss the narwhals.
35. (98) Josh Wise, Phil Parsons Racing Ford
C'mon, people, isn't there another ridiculous web site we can get to sponsor Josh?
36. (55) Brett Moffitt, Aaron's Dream Machine Toyota
I suspect 2015 will go down as the Year of The Substitute Driver.
37. (32) Mike Bliss, Texas Tech Ford
The field is Blissful.
38. (38) David Gilliland, Love's Travel Stops Ford
RCSOQ for Gillyweed!
This may be our first one of the season, I'm not sure.
39. (95) Michael McDowell, Thrivent Financial Ford
But if you have a coupon, you can knock the price down to $37.90.
40. (34) Chris Buescher, Dockside Logistics Ford
I got nothing on you.
41. (23) J.J. Yeley, Dr. Pepper I'm A Pepper Toyota
Teh Squash is not a pepper. Who starts these rumors?
42. (83) Matt Dibenedetto, Burger King Toyota
The last name that caused this many problems was Szegedy.
43. (33) Alex Kennedy, Dream Factory Chevy
Assuming the Dream Factory is related to the Dreamstage, I would like to lodge a complaint.
Did not qualify
(26) Jeb Burton, MaximFantasySports.com Toyota
Ack! Li'l Buddy Jeb!
(62) Brendan Gaughan, Chevy
Gone never arrived, apparently.