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11 April 2015 @ 05:12 pm
Pole Follies: Texas  

1. (41) Kurt Busch, Haas Automation Chevy

I guess NASCAR couldn't throw a random caution in qualifying.

2. (4) Kevin Harvick, Budweiser/Jimmy John's Chevy

Dumbo School of Qualifying for Harvick, and considering that Dumbo is the guy in front of him, this is kinda weird.

3. (2) Brad Keselowski, Miller Lite Ford
4. (5) Kasey Kahne, Great Clips Chevy

Close but no RCSOQ, you guys.

5. (48) Jimmie Johnson, Lowe's Pro Services Chevy

Out of idle curiosity, if the squabbling between Jimmie and K-naus gets too bad, what happens? They both have lifetime Hendrick contracts. Would they just inflict the Dead Ferret on Chase Elliott next year?

6. (22) Joey Logano, Shell Pennzoil Ford

Can we not just kidnap him and make him miss a few races? I'm sure somebody in Kentucky has a spare stall.

7. (31) Ryan Newman, Caterpillar Chevy

Apparently, this team took itty-bitty drills and made itty-bitty holes in their tires.

I'm not aghast that someone was cheating. I'm aghast that they couldn't come up with a better way.

8. (27) Paul Menard, Quaker State/Menards Chevy

Menard seems to have taken a page from the Sneaky Ninja.

Give that back.

9. (42) Kyle Larson, AXE Chevy

That sounds dangerous.

10. (1) Jamie McMurray, Cessna/McDonald's Chevy

Ah, so close to a Bass Boat song.

11. (14) Tony Stewart, Rush Truck Centers/Mobil 1 Chevy

It was good to see Tony in the lead again, and my 1999 self just had a heart attack and died from the fact that I actually said that.

12. (24) Jeff Gordon, Panasonic Chevy

Jeffy helped call the Xfinity race last night. There was a lovely shot from the booth in which they managed to make him look the same height as Mikey. Talk about yer special effects.

13. (21) Ryan Blaney, Motorcraft/Quick Lane Tire & Auto Center Ford

1321: Dante died. Yes, that Dante.

14. (3) Austin Dillon, Dow Chevy

I don't care if this is Texas, you're still gonna look stupid in that hat.

15. (78) Martin Truex Jr., Furniture Row/Visser Precision Chevy

Do you realize that there are four guys in this race named "something Junior," and only one of the accompanying Seniors was actually in this sport at a level high enough to require the use of the damn "junior" to begin with?

16. (19) Carl Edwards, Stanley Racing For A Miracle Toyota
17. (20) Matt Kenseth, Dollar General Toyota
18. (11) Denny Hamlin, FedEx Office Toyota

I'm noticing a theme here.

19. (16) Greg Biffle, Safety-Kleen Ford

Biff, it's bad enough that you keep wrecking. Can you at least manage to wreck before the last lap?

20. (13) Casey Mears, GEICO Chevy

I'll be in the corner, waiting for the Bubbles Curse to really, seriously smack the shit out of Snrch's season.

21. (10) Danica Patrick, TaxAct/GoDaddy Chevy
22. (17) Ricky Stenhouse Jr., Zest Ford

Now they're qualifying together. You know, guys, too much togetherness can be a bad thing.

23. (6) Trevor Bayne, AdvoCare Ford

This has nothing to do with Bayne, on whom I have nothing, but apparently Jeff Gordon's stepdaddy hung up on the Cat in the Hat twice during negotiations to get a young Jeff Gordon to Roush.

Twice.

24. (51) Justin Allgaier, Flipping Ships Chevy

*blinks*

Well, I have definitely been lingering around fandom too long.

25. (88) Dale Earnhardt Jr., Nationwide Chevy

Gloom! Despair! Agony--oh, sorry, just channeling my mother for a second.

26. (47) A.J. Allmendinger, Bush's Beans Chevy

This is just making me want a cookout more. If only I weren't scared of dealing with grills.

27. (15) Clint Bowyer, 5-Hour Energy Toyota

Have we seen Clint anywhere this season besides the commercials and Xfinity booth?

28. (46) Michael Annett, Northland Motor Oil Chevy

I guess Texas is as good a place as any for a motor oil sponsor.

29. (9) Sam Hornish Jr., Medallion Bank/Lyon Financial Ford

*flips notes* Nothing on Smash. Except that he will, most likely, go smash.

30. (18) David Ragan, Interstate Batteries Toyota

The number of times in the last few weeks that I have been enjoined to look at pictures of Kyle Busch's scrawny white legs is just ridiculous. As are the scrawny white legs in question.

31. (35) Cole Whitt, Front Row Motorsports Ford

Hi. Who are you again?

32. (43) Aric Almirola, Eckrich Ford

Having taught the announcers to pronounce his name, for the most part, Aric is moving on to unpronounceable sponsors.

33. (40) Landon Cassill, CRC Knock'er Loose Chevy

I don't even want to know.

34. (7) Alex Bowman, Accell Construction Chevy

I miss the narwhals.

35. (98) Josh Wise, Phil Parsons Racing Ford

C'mon, people, isn't there another ridiculous web site we can get to sponsor Josh?

36. (55) Brett Moffitt, Aaron's Dream Machine Toyota

I suspect 2015 will go down as the Year of The Substitute Driver.

37. (32) Mike Bliss, Texas Tech Ford

The field is Blissful.

38. (38) David Gilliland, Love's Travel Stops Ford

RCSOQ for Gillyweed!

This may be our first one of the season, I'm not sure.

39. (95) Michael McDowell, Thrivent Financial Ford

But if you have a coupon, you can knock the price down to $37.90.

40. (34) Chris Buescher, Dockside Logistics Ford

I got nothing on you.

41. (23) J.J. Yeley, Dr. Pepper I'm A Pepper Toyota

Teh Squash is not a pepper. Who starts these rumors?

42. (83) Matt Dibenedetto, Burger King Toyota

The last name that caused this many problems was Szegedy.

43. (33) Alex Kennedy, Dream Factory Chevy

Assuming the Dream Factory is related to the Dreamstage, I would like to lodge a complaint.


Did not qualify

(26) Jeb Burton, MaximFantasySports.com Toyota

Ack! Li'l Buddy Jeb!

(62) Brendan Gaughan, Chevy

Gone never arrived, apparently.


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I am: sleepysleepy
listening to: Imagine Dragons - I'm So Sorry
 
 
 
sarah_sundae on April 11th, 2015 10:26 pm (UTC)
I think the Axe Chevy might smell really nice, too. :)