1. (22) Joey Logano, Shell Pennzoil Ford
I am very tired of you. Go away.
2. (31) Ryan Newman, Quicken Loans Chevy
Wait, Newman's racing this season?
3. (78) Martin Truex Jr., Furniture Row/Visser Precision Chevy
Truex has had a string of uncommonly not-disastrous finishes. Either those prayers for his girlfriend are spilling over, or there's an incoming meteorite with his name on it.
4. (24) Jeff Gordon, Axalta Chevy
Two weeks without crashing. He may bounce back by the end of the season.
5. (48) Jimmie Johnson, Lowe's Chevy
K-naus: "I don't have a lot of friends in the garage."
Maybe if you didn't wear a dead ferret on your head? Just saying.
6. (14) Tony Stewart, Code 3 Associates/Mobil 1 Chevy
Still not sure if Stewart was pissed at Truex, or if that was just part of his usual ass-smacking antics.
7. (42) Kyle Larson, Target Chevy
Has anybody else noticed that they hardly ever talk about this guy? I'm not saying that's a bad thing, just...weird.
8. (20) Matt Kenseth, Dollar General Toyota
Leading the race, late caution, breaks axle leaving the pits. You are definitely one of my drivers now. Sorry.
9. (5) Kasey Kahne, Farmer's Insurance Chevy
Kandy hasn't really been mentioned a lot this year, either, unless it was during Phoenix, when I was mostly zoned out.
10. (47) AJ Allmendinger, Bush's Beans Chevy
Ayjay's still pretty high in the points. He and Snrch should crash together and take out Almirola around lap 50.
11. (19) Carl Edwards, ARRIS Toyota
Am I the only one who keeps misreading that as "Harris"? Only, you know, in one of those wacky British accents where they don't have H's?
12. (2) Brad Keselowski, Miller Lite Ford
13. (27) Paul Menard, Pittsburgh Paints/Menards Chevy
Menard's facial hair has reached ridiculous levels. We're talking Elliott Sadler at the end of a hunting trip ridiculous.
14. (88) Dale Earnhardt Jr., Diet Mountain Dew Chevy
Yep. He's serious, all right:
15. (11) Denny Hamlin, FedEx Express Toyota
So apparently there is now this whole big thing with tire tinkering, and everyone is appalled that people might be doing said tire tinkering (to which I say, what the fuck sport have you been watching, but I digress), and Damnlin favors a lifetime ban for anybody caught doing said tinkering.
Damnlin also supports the death penalty for jaywalking.
16. (10) Danica Patrick, TaxAct Chevy
Danica was in a tasteful blue and white car last week, which is probably why DW nearly forgot her when the race started.
17. (4) Kevin Harvick, Budweiser/Jimmy John's Chevy
Okay, seriously, the only note I have here is that "Jimmy John's sucks." Never having eaten there, I can't even verify that. Do something, Kev.
Besides, you know, win everything in sight.
18. (43) Aric Almirola, STP Ford
Oh, great, everybody will be reminiscing about Richard. Where'd I put those earplugs?
19. (1) Jamie McMurray, Cessna Chevy
If you've not been paying attention to McMerry's verbal sparring with nascarcasm, you've been missing out.
20. (18) David Ragan, M&M's Crispy Toyota
I got nothing on Ragan. I have some story notes for a futurefic in 2018, though.
21. (51) Justin Allgaier, Fraternal Order of Eagles/Switch Hitch
We have officially become too desperate for sponsors.
22. (3) Austin Dillon, Cheerios Chevy
23. (17) Ricky Stenhouse Jr. Fastenal Ford
24. (13) Casey Mears, GEICO Chevy
Snrch has to go to the back of the field. Waaaaah.
25. (16) Greg Biffle, Ortho Ford
Okay, will somebody explain to me how it is that Biffle can wreck all over the frontstretch and there's no caution? Racing to the line is exciting and all, but it would have been nice to know that he was, you know, out of the way.
26. (41) Kurt Busch, Haas Automation Chevy
Dumbo didn't get bleeped once during his interview last week. I bet there's some peeled paint in the hauler, though.
27. (25) Chase Elliott, NAPA Auto Parts Chevy
Welcome to the 25, Chase. It was nice knowing you. Make sure to wave bye-bye to your career.
28. (46) Michael Annett, Pilot/Flying J Chevy
When your car is described as "the purple and avocado machine," you may need a new paint job. Even Danica's not being subjected to avocado.
29. (38) David Gilliland, Love's Travel Stops Ford
I wandered a bit and found some stuff on that Busch/Nationwide/Whatthefuckever race he won. I was babysitting my mother and woke her up. Oops.
30. (15) Clint Bowyer, 5-Hour Energy Toyota
We need more Clint in the booth. That was entertaining.
31. (98) Josh Wise, Phil Parsons Racing Ford
There's gonna be a two-hour prerace this week. Think they'll manage to spare any TV time for guys like Josh?
Yeah, me neither.
32. (26) Jeb Burton, Maxim.com Toyota
I'd say he wasn't doing that badly, but then he'll break a leg.
33. (55) Brett Moffitt, Aaron's Dream Machine Toyota
At this rate, Kyle Busch will be racing before Teh Squish is.
34. (40) Landon Cassill, Newtown Building Supplies Chevy
35. (34) Chris Buescher, A&W All American Food Ford
Close but no RCSOQ.
36. (6) Trevor Bayne, AdvoCare Ford
I was wandering through the Internet looking at something, and found an article somewhere about "14 famous people you don't know are living with MS." Trevor's the very first one.
37. (35) Cole Whitt, Ford
I don't give a Whitt.
38. (9) Sam Hornish Jr., Medallion Bank/Mercury Marine Ford
Smash go smash.
39. (7) Alex Bowman, Nikko RC/Toy State Car Chevy
40. (32) Mike Bliss, CorvetteParts.net Ford
The field is Blissful.
41. (33) Alex Kennedy, Dream Factory Chevy
Speaking of dreams, I had a doozy last-- You know, I'm not going to go into that here.
42. (23) JJ Yeley, American Cancer Society Toyota
Well, at least we still have Teh Squash.
43. (83) Matt DiBenedetto, Dr. Pepper Toyota
The name no one in NASCAR can pronounce. You should try changing it to something easier, like Regan.
Did not qualify
(30) Ron Hornaday Jr., Curtis Key Plumbing Chevy
I don't mean to be rude or anything, but didn't you run off to dominate the truck series? When did you decide to come back?
(62) Brendan Gaughan, Diathrive Chevy
You know, for someone who's supposed to be gone, you sure seem to show up a lot.