1. (24) Jeff Gordon, 3M Chevy
So, let's see. Two poles in 3 weeks--probably could've gotten last week's if not for the inspection snafu. And two crashes in 2 weeks.
Anybody taking bets for what lap he wrecks tomorrow?
2. (22) Joey Logano, Pennzoil Platinum Ford
I am so not giving you a Triple Threat Award.
3. (5) Kasey Kahne, Time Warner Cable Chevy
Well, hello, Kandy. Nice of you to join us.
4. (88) Dale Earnhardt, Jr., Nationwide Chevy
There were no #narwhals last week. There had damned well better be some this week.
5. (42) Kyle Larson, Target Chevy
Kyle is having a hard time adjusting to being the only Kyle in the field.
6. (20) Matt Kenseth, DeWalt Toyota
WE WANT NARWHALS.
Or, you know, a Sneaky Ninja win.
7. (31) Ryan Newman, Caterpillar Chevy
Newman's still showing up? *shuffles pages* Nobody tells me nothing.
8. (78) Martin Truex, Jr., Furniture Row Chevy
Truex has been doing fairly well so far. Look for him to get clobbered by a flying Elvis tomorrow.
9. (48) Jimmie Johnson, Kobalt Tools Chevy
It's so weird when it's Jimmie who forgets to pick up the Qualifying Memo.
10. (1) Jamie McMurray, CESSNA Chevy
McMerry was teasing the hell out of @nascarcasm last night on Twitter. It was hilarious.
11. (2) Brad Keselowski, Miller Lite Ford
Apparently Kezzy is running some kind of retro Rusty Wallace paint job. Because we've all forgotten who Rusty Wallace is, you know.
12. (14) Tony Stewart, Mobil 1/Bass Pro Shops Chevy
Actual tweet from Jenna Fryer: "G-damn Smoke!" No context. No explanation.
On the other hand, that might be explanation enough.
13. (18) David Ragan, M&M's Crispy Toyota
Every time I see that sponsor name printed, I expect to see a burned-out car. Dear Self: Not the kind of crispy they're advertising.
14. (19) Carl Edwards, Comcast Business Toyota
Isn't Comcast widely acknowledged to be one of the worst ISPs out there?
15. (43) Aric Almirola, Smithfield Ford
Almirola is being very slack in providing Pole Follies material.
16. (16) Greg Biffle, Cheez-It Ford
RCSOQ for zi Biff!
17. (13) Casey Mears, GEICO Chevy
Snrch is currently sixth in points. He is so very doomed.
18. (4) Kevin Harvick, Jimmy John's/Budweiser Chevy
But I don't wanna slog through Delana's Twitter looking for material.
19. (11) Denny Hamlin, FedEx Office Toyota
1911: Triangle Shirtwaist Fire kills 146.
20. (15) Clint Bowyer, 5-Hour Energy Toyota
Dude, the year's 2 months old, I have no factoids yet.
21. (10) Danica Patrick, GoDaddy Chevy
22. (47) A.J. Allmendinger, Clorox Chevy
23. (33) Brian Scott, Whitetail Chevy
24. (27) Paul Menard, Quaker State/Menards Chevy
25. (3) Austin Dillon, DOW Energy & Water Chevy
26. (51) Justin Allgaier, Brandt Chevy
27. (7) Alex Bowman, Nikko/Toy State Chevy
I'm noting a theme here.
That theme being that I have nothing on any of these guys, of course.
28. (55) Brian Vickers, Aaron's 60th Anniversary Dream Machine Toyota
Behold, TEH SQUISH has returned!
And for the love of God, it's pronounced ZUH-REL-TOE!
29. (9) Sam Hornish, Jr., Medallion Bank/Camping World Ford
Next to Smash. Oh dear.
30. (21) Ryan Blaney, Motorcraft/Quick Lane Tire & Auto Center Ford
Wait a minute, that's not Dave.
31. (17) Ricky Stenhouse Jr., Fastenal Ford
Where's the betting start for when he finally gets tired of the mullet jokes and gets a haircut?
32. (95) Michael McDowell, KLOVE Radio Ford
See, now that sponsor, I recognize.
33. (46) Michael Annett, Cypress Chevy
Apparently, Annett's car will be purple. We need more purple cars.
34. (41) Regan Smith, Haas Automation Chevy
There will be no Busches in the field at Vegas, whose only real claim to racing fame is...the Busches.
35. (6) Trevor Bayne, AdvoCare Ford
Oh, fuck a duck, I thought that was an actual healthcare sponsor. It's a pyramid scheme for diet products.
36. (34) Brett Moffitt, Shaw's Southern Belle Seafood Ford
Dude, is your sponsor ever on the wrong side of the country.
37. (38) David Gilliland, Love's Travel Stops Ford
Close but no RCSOQ for Gillyweed.
38. (35) Cole Whitt, Speed Stick Ford
That sponsor would seem to be a wee bit ironic.
39. (98) Josh Wise, Phil Parsons Racing Ford
Somebody get him a sponsor! Reddit! Twitter! Facebook! Pinterest!
40. (23) J.J. Yeley, Dr. Pepper Toyota
Teh Squish, Teh Squash, and Smash all in the field. Just like old times.
Caution, lap 1.
41. (26) Jeb Burton, MaximFantasySports.com Toyota
I'm pretty sure Little Buddy Jeb got called "Jeff" at least once last week.
42. (40) Landon Cassill, Carsforsale.com Chevy
It's kinda hard to call him Lando this week, considering that Harrison Ford crashed a plane.
43. (62) Brendan Gaughan, South Point Hotel & Casino Chevy
I thought you were gone.
Did not qualify
(29) Reed Sorenson, Toyota
Alas, poor Reed does not exist.
(32) Mike Bliss, Draftdemons.com Ford
Wait. The military's so hard up we're drafting demons now? Do Sam and Dean know about this?
(44) Travis Kvapil, Phoenix Warehouse Chevy
I bet Kvapil is pretty appreciative of his field filler status these days, since it kept NASCAR off his ass about his domestic violence charges.
(66) Mike Wallace, RoyalTeakCollection.com Chevy
I thought you retired or something.
(83) Matt Dibenedetto, Burger King Toyota
Mm. I could go for a chicken sandwich right about now.