1. (22) Joey Logano, Shell Pennzoil Ford
Letterman: "Those cars weigh a ton."
Logano: "I don't think they weigh that much. Maybe 3100 pounds."
Dear Readers: I present the reason why people keep thinking we're a bunch of morons.
2. (4) Kevin Harvick, Jimmy John's Budweiser Chevy
Kevin and Delana apparently bought each other the exact same card for their anniversary. Dude, even I think that's insanely cute.
3. (1) Jamie McMurray, McDonald's Chevy
I think Jamie would appreciate the narwhals.
4. (11) Denny Hamlin, FedEx Ground Toyota
Somebody backed their SUV into Damnlin's motorcoach. No word on Danica's whereabouts at the time.
5. (19) Carl Edwards, ARRIS Toyota
What the hell is an ARRIS anyway?
6. (42) Kyle Larson, Energizer Chevy
Ah, Energizer. So many summers spent cursing that little bunny.
7. (31) Ryan Newman, Caterpillar Chevy
Was Newman in the 500?
8. (9) Sam Hornish, Jr., Medallion Bank Ford
Did somebody hire Smash permanently and not tell me? Because that's going to affect the odds of people finishing.
9. (88) Dale Earnhardt, Jr., Kelley Blue Book Chevy
Isn't that how his sister spells her name?
10. (5) Kasey Kahne, Farmers Insurance Chevy
11. (47) AJ Allmendinger, Better Than Bouillon Chevy
Considering Ayjay's record, I'm not sure I want to know what he added to make that bouillon better.
12. (2) Brad Keselowski, Detroit Genuine Parts Ford
I am being inflicted with Kezzy in the booth. I don't want Kezzy in the booth. Kezzy is annoying.
13. (27) Paul Menard, Duracell/Menards Chevy
If Menard's not careful, he's going to wind up turning into a driver. You realize drivers get interviewed a lot, right?
14. (78) Martin Truex Jr., Furniture Row Chevy
I lost track last week. Did Lady Luck smack him, or not?
15. (3) Austin Dillon, DOW Chevy
Dillon may be known forever as the guy who wrecked Jeff Gordon in his final 500.
16. (51) Justin Allgaier, Brandt Chevy
I can't remember if I like Allgaier or not. My God, I'm out of race trim.
17. (18) David Ragan, M&M's Crispy Toyota
See? Green car = bad luck.
18. (10) Danica Patrick, GoDaddy Chevy
We rest our case.
19. (16) Greg Biffle, Ortho Ford
1916: US Marines invaded the Dominican Republic. Why the hell were we invading the Dominican Republic?
20. (17) Ricky Stenhouse, Jr., Fifth Third Bank Ford
2017: Planned year of Ricky's next haircut.
21. (13) Casey Mears, GEICO Chevy
Just a reminder to the newbies that I refer to him as Snrch and plan to keep doing so.
22. (55) Brett Moffitt, Aaron's 60th Anniversary Dream Machine Toyota
Next week, Mr. Moffitt will turn into Teh Squish.
23. (43) Aric Almirola, Fresh from Florida Ford
Well, he is from Florida. Is 30 still considered fresh?
24. (95) Michael McDowell, Thrivent Financial Ford
He's hiding from people expecting the K-Love sponsor.
25. (15) Clint Bowyer, 5-Hour Energy Toyota
I was hoping he'd manage to pull it off last week.
26. (38) David Gilliland, Love's Travel Stops Ford
27. (32) Mike Bliss, Rimrock Design Ford
After a long dry spell, the field is Blissful.
28. (34) Joe Nemechek, CSX Play It Safe Ford
I hate train crossings. Has something to do with my grandmother trying to drive us into the side of a train once. *shudder*
29. (6) Trevor Bayne, AdvoCare Ford
I got nothing on Trevor. This is the problem with the nice ones.
30. (23) JJ Yeley, Dr. Pepper Toyota
We have Squash and Smash, but this week at least we will be spared Sauterkraut.
31. (62) Brendan Gaughan, A-S Medication Solutions Chevy
Really? I thought you were finally Gone.
32. (33) Brian Scott, Little Joe's Autos Chevy
Okay, there has apparently been a ride swap. This will morph into Michael Annett come raceday. Apparently Annett got caught up in the inspection fuckup, and since early-season fun means he's currently 12th in points....
33. (98) Josh Wise, Phil Parsons Racing Ford
You know there was a race last week, right?
34. (30) Ron Hornaday Jr., Curtis Key Plumbing Chevy
I honestly thought he was permanently retired to the truck series.
35. (24) Jeff Gordon, 3M Chevy
36. (20) Matt Kenseth, Dollar General Toyota
37. (48) Jimmie Johnson , Lowe's Chevy
Noticing a pattern here? Apparently NASCAR is now incapable of getting champions through inspection in time for them to qualify.
38. (41) Regan Smith, Haas Automation Chevy
Wait a second, I'm confused again. This is the one that had the baby this week, right?
You know, when we had fourteen people named Jeff in the field, I had fewer problems than I do with Regan and Ragan.
39. (14) Tony Stewart, Bass Pro Shops/Mobil 1 Chevy
I don't know about this Smoke, but my Smoke is currently licking a garbage bag for no good reason.
40. (26) Jeb Burton, Maxim Fantasy Sports App Toyota
Little Buddy Jeb! He made it!
And I am now officially old.
41. (35) Cole Whitt, Rinnai Tankless Water Heaters Ford
I'm trying to remember--is it the tankless water heater sponsors that catch fire, or the regular ones?
42. (7) Alex Bowman, Nikko/Toy State Chevy
43. (40) Landon Cassill, Snap Fitness Chevy
Lando makes it.
Did not qualify
(29) Reed Sorenson, Toyota
Alas, Reed does not exist this week.
(46) Michael Annett, Pilot/Flying J Chevy
See: Brian Scott.
(66) Mike Wallace, Chevy
No Misogyny Mike? Well, Danica already has plans in the motorcoach lot anyway.
(83) Matt Dibenedetto, Burger King Toyota
Apparently, throughout the season, this guy will periodically turn into Sauterkraut, which definitely qualifies as a fate worse than death.
Did not get car to track
(44) Travis Kvapil
Somebody actually stole their trailer. With their car in it. Out of the hotel parking lot.
The car was found Saturday morning. The trailer was not. Which is just...weird.