Or, if practice, the Shootout, qualifying, and the Twins are any indication, wrecking.
1. (24) Jeff Gordon , Drive to End Hunger Chevy
I hope the rest of his season goes this well.
2. (48) Jimmie Johnson, Lowe's Chevy
Not officially affiliated with Johnson, but TheMiniChad was being a particularly sexist asshole after the races last night. I hope the real Chad isn't that bad.
3. (88) Dale Earnhardt, Jr., Nationwide Chevy
Yes, second coming, God's gift to rednecks, got it the first dozen times. *yawn*
4. (18) Kyle Busch, M&M's Crispy Toyota
I have a bad feeling about this. And not just because the car is green.
5. (22) Joey Logano, Shell Pennzoil Ford
Discussed last night: The fact that Logano has the teeth of a horse with a very good orthodontist.
6. (19) Carl Edwards, Arris Toyota
I predict he spends the first half of the season being called Tony Stewart on account of having the orange Gibbs car.
7. (14) Tony Stewart, Bass Pro Shops/Mobil 1 Chevy
8. (16) Greg Biffle, Ortho Ford
Juan Pablo may be gone, but the JPMSOQ remains.
9. (15) Clint Bowyer, 5-hour Energy Toyota
You know, we used to worry about Mikey drinking too much of that sponsor product. Then we learned that Clint's almost as bad.
10. (78) Martin Truex, Jr., Furniture Row/Visser Precision Chevy
At some point I will get it through my thick skull that Truex is driving the 78, at which point he will promptly change teams.
11. (4) Kevin Harvick, Budweiser/Jimmy John's Chevy
I...have nothing on Harvick. That can't be right. *shuffles notes*
12. (21) Ryan Blaney, Motorcraft/Quick Lane Tire & Auto Center Ford
The younger Blaney not only gets into his first Daytona 500, he gets his very first CMPSOQ.
13. (5) Kasey Kahne, Farmers Insurance Chevy
Clearly, Kandy lost his Qualifying Memo.
14. (44) Reed Sorenson, Golden Corral Chevy
BREAKING NEWS: Existence of Reed verified!
15. (1) Jamie McMurray, Cessna/McDonald's Chevy
I have nothing on Jamie, but considering that he Tweeted that Kyle Busch dumped off a case of M&Ms for his kids, Jamie's probably been too busy prying toddlers off his motorcoach's ceiling to really do anything.
16. (66) Mike Wallace, Crazy Vapors/X8 Energy Gum Toyota
Take off that 1 and we'll have the perfect lineup number for Misogyny Mike.
17. (40) Landon Cassill, CarsForSale.com Chevy
18. (51) Justin Allgaier, Brandt Chevy
Oh, having all these news guys in the middle of the field is going to make those first few laps so exciting.
19. (35) Cole Whitt, Speed Stick Ford
Cole Whitt is apparently so very young that he was named for Cole Trickle. The character in Days of Thunder.
Where's my cane? I need to yell at these whippersnappers to get out of my infield.
20. (10) Danica Patrick, GoDaddy Chevy
How many cars has this poor girl been through this week?
21. (27) Paul Menard, Peak/Menards Chevy
Does anybody have anything on Menard? Anybody?
22. (31) Ryan Newman, Caterpillar Chevy
I don't think he got mentioned once during his qualifying race. I may have seen him once. Is that any way to treat a championship runner-up? You were practically up Edwards' ass the year after he finished second.
23. (95) Michael McDowell, Thrivent Financial Ford
Oh, there you are. I didn't recognize you without your tacky Christian radio sponsor.
24. (41) Kurt Busch, Haas Automation Chevy
Last second addition: Kurt Busch has been suspended by NASCAR and Chevy has dumped him. Plus the #41 pit stall has been vandalized.
Keep an eye on Twitter for updates, because God knows nascar.com won't have any.
25. (23) JJ Yeley, MAXIM Fantasy App/Dr. Pepper Toyota
26. (38) David Gilliland, Love's Travel Stops Ford
27. (46) Michael Annett, Pilot/Flying J Chevy
Mr. Annett has declared this the Year of Questionable Facial Hair Decisions.
28. (34) David Ragan, Kentucky Fried Chicken Ford
I stand by my assertion that it's not my fault that I keep getting Ragan confused with Regan Smith if the announcers keep pronouncing "Ragan" as "ree-gan".
29. (42) Kyle Larson, Target Chevy
No more rookie stripe for you.
30. (3) Austin Dillon, DOW Chevy
31. (33) Ty Dillon, Cheerios/Kroger Chevy
Look. Brotherly love. Or something.
32. (17) Ricky Stenhouse, Jr., Fastenal Ford
Speaking of questionable hair decisions, I understand that Ricky has made one.
33. (43) Aric Almirola, Smithfield Ford
Mm. Ham. I could use some ham. These meatless Fridays are killing me.
34. (55) Michael Waltrip, Aaron's Dream Machine Toyota
Energy levels in the field are approaching maximum.
35. (20) Matt Kenseth, Dollar General Toyota
Dude, you led most of the first race. How did you wind up back here?
36. (83) Johnny Sauter, Dustless Blasting Toyota
Just when you thought it was safe to go back into racing....
37. (6) Trevor Bayne, AdvoCare Ford
Was Thursday actually Trevor's birthday? Somebody mentioned it, but it wasn't clear that it was actually Thursday or just sometime this week. In any case, one generally does not want crashes for one's birthday, unless one is the wrecker driver at Bristol.
38. (9) Sam Hornish, Jr., Twisted Tea Ford
We have Teh Squash, Teh Smash, and Sauterkraut. I'm predicting a caution on the pace lap.
39. (2) Brad Keselowski , Miller Lite Ford
As I was leaving her house after the Twins, maveness asked, "Wait, was Keselowski in one of the Duels?"
40. (47) AJ Allmendinger, Kroger/USO Chevy
You gotta love reporters. "AJ still has his helmet on, clearly because he doesn't want to talk to us, so I'm going to chase him down and make him talk to me anyway!"
Lady, when people did that to Tony Stewart, they got punched. Just sayin'.
41. (13) Casey Mears, GEICO Chevy
SNRCH! Snrch made it! *happy dance*
42. (11) Denny Hamlin, FedEx Express Toyota
I'm not annoyed that Denny seems to have suddenly been possessed by the spirit of Misogyny Mike or that he and Danica got into a fight after the race.
But do you honestly think he would have done that patronizing arm-around-the-shoulders to, say, Logano? That alone is enough to make me pull for Danica for a week or two.
43. (32) Bobby Labonte, C & J Energy Services Ford
Ah, the wonders of champion's provisionals. I wonder if those have an expiration date.
Did not qualify
(7) Alex Bowman, Toy State/Nikko Chevy
Aw, come on. I like Alex.
(26) Jeb Burton, LiveDeal.com Download the App Toyota
Nooooo! Not Little Buddy Jeb!
Seriously, what the hell is this boy doing on a racetrack already? Am I really that freakin' old?
(29) Justin Marks, American Born Moonshine Toyota
None of that imported moonshine for us.
(30) Ron Hornaday, Jr., Smokey Mountain Herbal Snuff Chevy
Long time no see. No, seriously, dude, hasn't it been three or four years?
(62) Brian Scott, Shore Lodge Chevy
I can't get material on you if you don't make the race.
(98) Josh Wise, Phoenix Construction Ford