Which means I'll probably be struck by a meteor tomorrow, but hey, it's a life.
My life would be much simpler if they'd just pick a name for these non-points races and stick with them.
1. (27) Paul Menard, Richard Childress Racing
*shuffles papers* Media tour, paint job, uniform... Hey, we're missing a State of the Sideburns Report!
Damn, I need an intern.
2. (5) Kasey Kahne, Hendrick Motorsports
I wonder if Kandy knows who Beck is. God knows I don't.
3. (22) Joey Logano, Team Penske
During the off-season:
Mother: Joey Logano got married.
Me: To a human?
4. (2) Brad Keselowski, Team Penske
Report: Someone has let Keselowski breed.
5. (18) Kyle Busch, Joe Gibbs Racing
Scrub, in an attempt to ensure seriouslyclaire's enmity toward NASCAR for all time, is now driving a green car.
And by "green car," I mean "GoDaddy is complaining that they have to share the track with this thing."
6. (3) Austin Dillon, Richard Childress Racing
7. (16) Greg Biffle, Roush Fenway Racing
Since I have nothing on Biffle, I shall point out that this year, there will be no penalty for missing lugnuts. Because what everybody wants is for a car to go flying out there with the tire half on.
Also, there will apparently only be 10 officials on pit road, and I'm not even going to try to imagine how that one's gonna work.
8. (4) Kevin Harvick, Stewart-Haas Racing
Now that Harvick's a champ, all kinds of articles are showing up, all featuring glurgy quotes about how much more important it is that he be a father. I guess they had to make up for not scheduling a race on Sire Day somehow.
9. (11) Denny Hamlin, Joe Gibbs Racing
Okay, y'all know I am the last person on earth to attribute positive characteristics to Damnlin (other than "not Logano"), but, um, this kinda happened. I'll be in the corner laughing.
10. (78) Martin Truex Jr., Furniture Row Racing
Maybe this year I'll manage to remember who's driving.
11. (24) Jeff Gordon, Hendrick Motorsports
I'm sure you've all heard the news by now.
That's right. @nascarcasm has sold out and is working for NASCAR. Where will we get our quality sarcasm now?
12. (31) Ryan Newman, Richard Childress Racing
We haven't even raced yet, and Newman has already lost an engine. Yeesh.
13. (41) Kurt Busch, Stewart-Haas Racing
Should you be bored, get some popcorn and read over the news reports about him and the girlfriend. That woman is fucking nuts, in the way that's entertaining if you're not directly involved.
I hope to God somebody decides to broadcast the actual court hearing.
14. (19) Carl Edwards, Joe Gibbs Racing
Gonna be awhile before that looks right.
15. (10) Danica Patrick, Stewart-Haas Racing
In further proof that not even NASCAR remembers what the requirements for this race are, I present: Danica.
16. (20) Matt Kenseth, Joe Gibbs Racing
All hail the Evil One, Tackler of Keselowskis.
17. (48) Jimmie Johnson, Hendrick Motorsports
K-naus must still be holding a grudge over that lovers' spat at Charlotte if this is the best he can do.
18. (15) Clint Bowyer, Michael Waltrip Racing
One of the mouthiest guys on Twitter, and I can't come up with anything. Drink some sponsor product or something.
19. (43) Aric Almirola, Richard Petty Motorsports
You know the weird thing about Aric? When you look at his name, your eyes keep insisting there's a typo and it just keeps slithering away. *goes cross-eyed*
20. (17) Ricky Stenhouse Jr., Roush Fenway Racing
Ricky is apparently sporting a...questionable...haircut.
21. (1) Jamie McMurray, Chip Ganassi Racing
I just realized that this doesn't list sponsors. I'm going to have to find a better source for my lineups. I'll add it to the to-do list.
No, nothing to do with Jamie, why do you ask?
22. (14) Tony Stewart, Stewart-Haas Racing
Smoke has already been called to the Oval Office. Dude, the season hasn't even started yet!
23. (13) Casey Mears, Germain Racing
There's my Snrch, right at the back of the field where we expect you.
24. (88) Dale Earnhardt Jr., Hendrick Motorsports
Apparently, Junior's girlfriend is a: named Amy and b: on Twitter. There, Mother, you know everything I do.
25. (42) Kyle Larson, Chip Ganassi Racing
Aw, look who's not a rookie anymore.