Batten down the hatches, my friends, for this is it! Today is someone's last chance at convincing you that the Chase is exciting! They will drill it into your heads with actual drills if necessary!
1. (24) Jeff Gordon, Drive To End Hunger, Chevy
That must be the hunger for #5. Otherwise you'd think they would've managed to raise some money by now.
2. (41) Kurt Busch, Haas Automation, Chevy
Thank you, Dumbo, for providing my mother an opportunity to regale me with her lurid beliefs about how all women--except her, of course--are secretly gold diggers. And she wonders why my brother isn't married yet.
3. (20) Matt Kenseth, Dollar General, Toyota
I don't know about the rest of y'all, but the single moment I will remember forever from 2014 will not be the champion, will not be a winner, will not even be a crash.
It will be the perpetually beautiful sight of an enraged Matt Kenseth honest-to-God tackling Brad Keselowski.
Let us reflect. (The good part starts at 2:01.)
4. (2) Brad Keselowski, Miller Lite, Ford
You don't get any Schools of Qualifying because you've been an ass. Seriously, dude, Matt Freakin' Kenseth tried to kill you.
5. (4) Kevin Harvick, Budweiser, Chevy
No offense there, Kevin, but I kinda hope you get closer to the championship than you did that RCSOQ.
6. (15) Clint Bowyer, 5-hour Energy, Toyota
Pity Clint insists on staying a driver. We could really use him to replace Rusty.
7. (18) Kyle Busch, M&M's, Toyota
Okay, I am given to understand that the Busches are expecting.
Please, Lord, let that child take after its mother.
8. (11) Denny Hamlin, FedEx Express, Toyota
9. (22) Joey Logano, Shell Pennzoil, Ford
See, if you two would just kinda take each other out.... Dinner, wall, slapfight on pit road, I don't care, just get off the fucking track.
10. (78) Martin Truex Jr., Furniture Row, Chevy
Every time he wrecks, I get all excited thinking it's Dumbo, and then I have to stop and remember that I like the 78 now.
11. (88) Dale Earnhardt Jr., National Guard, Chevy
Okay, did anybody see the beard in the Nationwide postrace? (No, smartass, I am not referring to his girlfriend, sit down.) It looks like Junior skipped straight from "facial hair" to "small sleepy animal stapled to chin."
12. (48) Jimmie Johnson, Lowe's, Chevy
You know, this may be the first Homestead race in a long time where they don't have him sainted by lap 50.
13. (55) Brian Vickers, Aaron's Dream Machine, Toyota
Teh Squish: Promoting medications that doctors can't pronounce since 2014.
(Za. Rel. Toe. How fucking hard is that?)
14. (51) Justin Allgaier , BRANDT, Chevy
Does Brandt know you stole his Chevy?
15. (99) Carl Edwards, Fastenal, Ford
Last chance for a Roush Edition Flipper!
16. (27) Paul Menard, Richmond/Menards, Chevy
You gotta love Menard's crew. There's a fight? We don't care, let us hit somebody!
17. (9) Marcos Ambrose, Stanley, Ford
I...still got nothing. Marcos, hon, work with me here.
18. (43) Aric Almirola, Smithfield Foods, Ford
Speaking of ham, tomorrow is my family's Thanksgiving. My parents find it easier to get me to their house for a race, and we all find it a more relaxed meal when there's no extended family present.
Huh. Does that mean that on Monday I can turn my Christmas lights on?
19. (1) Jamie McMurray, Cessna, Chevy
I have the sudden urge to break into "I'll Fly Away."
20. (16) Greg Biffle, 3M, Ford
Biffle has a history of winning at Homestead when there's no chance that anybody will pay attention to Victory Lane.
21. (31) Ryan Newman, Caterpillar, Chevy
Quick, somebody tell me the points as they run now.
22. (17) Ricky Stenhouse Jr., Fastenal, Ford
I have nothing on Ricky, which is probably the way Danica likes it.
23. (5) Kasey Kahne, Great Clips, Chevy
It's very hard to explain to my mother the juice box jokes.
24. (3) Austin Dillon, Dow, Chevy
I got nothing on him and I can't remember that little nickname seriouslyclaire has for him.
25. (47) AJ Allmendinger, Hungry Jack, Chevy
It's okay, Ayjay, now that I remembered that I'm getting parched turkey for dinner tomorrow, I'm hungry too.
26. (21) Trevor Bayne, Motorcraft/Quick Lane Tire & Auto Center, Ford
Dude, that sponsor name is longer than you are.
Wait a second, I probably shouldn't use a joke like that with this crowd.
27. (42) Kyle Larson , Target, Chevy
I gotta admit, for a rookie with a bull's-eye on his ass, he's done really well this season.
28. (14) Tony Stewart, Bass Pro Shops/Mobil 1, Chevy
JPMSOQ for Stewart, who at this point probably just wants to crawl into bed and hide till Daytona.
29. (13) Casey Mears, GEICO, Chevy
I have faith in you, Snrch.
Hey! Wait until the race to wreck, will you?
30. (33) Brian Scott, Shore Lodge, Chevy
Do we know you?
31. (34) David Ragan, The Pete Store, Ford
I think a trip to this store is in order. Can we exchange a couple of Davids for a Pete?
32. (10) Danica Patrick, Florida Lottery/GoDaddy, Chevy
Whoever designed that hot pink/lime green October car of hers should be taken out in the street and shot. In the breast.
33. (40) Landon Cassill, Harvey Gulf, Chevy
Part of me wants to look up that sponsor, and part of me is shouting "run away!"
34. (83) JJ Yeley, Dip Your Car, Toyota
Oh, for the love of God, don't be telling Squash that! He'll wind up in the pond!
35. (38) David Gilliland, MDS Transport, Ford
You don't get to go in the pond either, Gillyweed.
36. (36) Reed Sorenson, Feed The Children/Dei Fratelli, Chevy
REED EXISTS and he gets the RCSOQ!
37. (98) Josh Wise, PPR98.com, Chevy
We need more Josh Wise.
38. (95) Michael McDowell, KLOVE Radio/Thrivent Financial, Ford
Hell, I'd settle for more McDowell.
39. (7) Michael Annett , Pilot/Flying J, Chevy
Screw that, we'll take this Mike too.
40. (32) Blake Koch, LeafFilter.com, Ford
Who are you and exactly what kind of leaves are you filtering back there?
41. (23) Alex Bowman, Dip Your Car, Toyota
I'm sure this is something else, but I'm a child of the South. All I see with that sponsor is car-shaped tobacco products.
42. (26) Cole Whitt, Speed Stick Gear, Toyota
I am just going to sit here and reflect for a moment on how far NASCAR has come in the last 30 years or so.
Why? Because now I can't be sure if that sponsor's a car product or a deodorant without looking it up. Thirty years ago, it would definitely have been a car part.
43. (66) Brett Moffitt, X8 Energy Gum, Toyota
Please don't give any of your sponsor product to Mikey. We have enough trouble with him as it is, and now he's been taught to dance.