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31 August 2013 @ 11:12 am
Pole Follies: Atlanta  
Okay, okay, so I've been having some issues. Sosumi.


Hey, for August in Atlanta? The forecast is downright cold. I guess the heat got scared by the outfits at DragonCon.

1. (17) Ricky Stenhouse Jr. , Best Buy Ford

Counting down to the obligatory "How'd Danica take that" comments....

2. (99) Carl Edwards, SUBWAY Ford

Flipper is cheap this week.

3. (42) Juan Pablo Montoya, Target Chevy

Ganassi is replacing the Mantoy next year. It's not that I can't understand, but they're putting in a guy who's barely been in Nationwide for two years, and of this, I do not approve. I don't care how well he's doing. Does the name "Casey Atwood" mean nothing to you people?

4. (11) Denny Hamlin, SportClips Toyota

Damnlin sprained his hand in that wreck at Bristol.

5. (24) Jeff Gordon, Drive to End Hunger Chevy

In a desperate bid to end hunger, the Drive to End Hunger motorhome (no relation to Jeffy's actual possessions) was roasted on the side of the road earlier this week.

Wait, southbound 85 in Jackson County? I know where that is!

6. (20) Matt Kenseth, Husky/Home Depot Toyota

According to MRN, his name is actually pronounced Ken-SETH. No word on whether anybody has informed Matt of this.

7. (56) Martin Truex Jr., NAPA Auto Parts Toyota

In case you were thinking that was a hard hit that Truex took last week--you'd be right. He broke his wrist.

8. (88) Dale Earnhardt Jr., National Guard/Race2Achieve.org Chevy

Triple Threat Award!

9. (18) Kyle Busch, M&M's Toyota

Scrubby snags a JPMSOQ.

10. (48) Jimmie Johnson, Lowe's Dover White Chevy

Okay, just by saying this, I'm ensuring that Johnson will win, but damn, it's been fun watching the ferret on K-naus' head implode these last few weeks.

Guess virgins just aren't worth what they used to be.

11. (22) Joey Logano, Shell Pennzoil Ford

Guess Scrubby will have to share that JPMSOQ.

12. (15) Clint Bowyer, RKMotorsCharlotte.com Toyota

Bowyer really needs to quit being so entertaining, because I'm starting to pull for him, and that way lies head injuries.

13. (47) AJ Allmendinger, Scott Products Toyota

1347: The Byzantine civil war, fought between John VI Kantakouzenos and the regency for John V Palaiologos, ends when both sides decide that they need to focus on creating shorter names. Clearly, the Allmendingers were not consulted.

14. (34) David Ragan, RaceTracHotBoiledPeanutsPeanutPatch Ford

Um, Dave, I think your space bar quit working.

15. (1) Jamie McMurray, E-Z-Go Chevy

Unlike the Mantoy, McMerry will be returning to Ganassi next year. There seems to be no concrete info on how long that contract extension is, however.

16. (27) Paul Menard, MOEN/Menards Chevy

1627: Pirates raid Iceland. Seriously, this rated a Wiki entry.

17. (39) Ryan Newman, Aspen Dental Chevy

1739 was apparently a very boring year.

18. (5) Kasey Kahne, Farmers Insurance Chevy

Because getting chased around by the Allstate girls and being forced to do bad music videos weren't bad enough, Farmers is apparently making Kandy milk cows. I'm thinking his next contract may have a "dignity" clause.

19. (13) Casey Mears, Geico Ford

1913: In proof that the world was just as crazy in the good ol' days as it is now, I present Joseph Knowles, who in August "began his experiment of living alone in 'the uncharted forests of northeastern Maine,' pledging to 'live as Adam lived' for two months. Before a group of reporters, Knowles removed all of his clothes, and walked into the forest without clothing, food or tools. The American press followed his progress by written notes that Knowles left at prearranged locations. Knowles would emerge from the forest on October 4, 1913, wearing a bearskin robe, deerskin moccasins, and a knife, bow and arrows that he had crafted himself."

20. (9) Marcos Ambrose, DeWalt Ford

*consults notes* Nope, nothing on Marcos this week.

21. (10) Danica Patrick, GoDaddy Chevy

As I do not wish to lower myself to wrecking ball jokes, I have nothing on Her Highness.

22. (55) Brian Vickers, Aaron's Dream Machine Toyota

Teh Squish has to go to the back of the field for an engine change.

23. (2) Brad Keselowski, Miller Lite Ford

How were there 110 dictations at 9:50 when I ran out of work 10 minutes later? ....oops, wrong identity.

24. (16) Greg Biffle, 3M Ford

Is Biffle even still out there? I haven't seen him anyplace but that annoying green commercial lately.

25. (30) David Stremme, Swan Energy/Berry's Toyota

Quit blaming Stremme. Let's blame things on somebody really annoying. Like Logano.

26. (33) Austin Dillon, AdvoCare Chevy

Well, if it isn't claireliz81's favorite driver. *grin, duck, run like hell*

27. (14) Mark Martin, Bass Pro Shops/Mobil 1 Chevy

Stewart will be back next week!

Back in the media center, silly. He has to explain how his "silent partner" Haas managed to hire Kurt Busch without him knowing.

28. (31) Jeff Burton, Caterpillar Chevy

*shuffles papers* Nope, still nothing.

29. (43) Aric Almirola, Smithfield Ford

There is a giant, scary stand-up of Aric and Richard Petty at the grocery store. It is not, however, as scary as the big decal on the floor of the meat section.

....I didn't enjoy stomping on Richard's face and you can't prove otherwise.

30. (29) Kevin Harvick, Jimmy John's Chevy

Close but no RCSOQ.

31. (38) David Gilliland, Long John Silver's Ford

Arr, it be the Dread Pyrate Gillyweed.

32. (78) Kurt Busch, Furniture Row/Beautyrest Chevy

Well, if anybody in the field needs beauty rest....

33. (35) Josh Wise, MDS Transport Ford

I keep calling him Timmy Wise. maveness finds this amusing. Timmy Hill, not so much.

34. (83) David Reutimann, Burger King/Dr Pepper Toyota

Having two cars out there with identical paint jobs is kinda annoying.

35. (95) Scott Speed, Leavine Family Racing Ford

Wait. Speed's supposed to be Truex's backup driver. Is he pulling a start'n'park?

36. (7) Dave Blaney, SANY Chevy

BLANEY!

37. (93) Travis Kvapil, Burger King/Dr Pepper Toyota

I yelled "Bad Waffle" last week, and for once it wasn't at my cat.

38. (51) Mike Bliss, Phoenix Construction Chevy

The field is Blissful because Bobby Labonte broke some ribs at Bristol.

Is it just me, or was this a particularly brutal Bristol? Damnlin, Truex, and now Bobby, not to mention the bruises etc. that didn't make the headlines....

39. (40) Landon Cassill, Hillman Racing Chevy

Wait, Lando's back? Nobody tells me anything.

40. (87) Joe Nemechek, NEMCO Motorsports Toyota

Joe got screen time last week!

Hey, he's gotta take what he can get.

41. (32) Timmy Hill, U.S. Chrome Ford

I got nothing. I can't even recognize the car on track.

42. (36) J.J. Yeley, United Mining Equipment Chevy

Yeley made out with the wall during practice.

43. (98) Michael McDowell, Phil Parsons Racing Ford

What, no tacky music sponsor this week?
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listening to: Pirates of the Mississippi - The Storm