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27 July 2013 @ 10:42 pm
Pole Follies: Indy  
So, the house is firmly planted again, and I'm actually living in it, with utilities and cats and everything, and most of my shit is actually in the house if not unpacked, so I figured, hey, why not restart Pole Follies this week?


1. (39) Ryan Newman, Quicken Loans/The Smurfs Chevy

The Smurfs wear Phrygian caps.

2. (48) Jimmie Johnson, Lowe's/Kobalt Tools Chevy

Obviously, K-naus and the Dead Ferret have discovered a new source of virgins. This must be dealt with immediately.

3. (99) Carl Edwards, Fastenal Ford

Okay, I have to admit, the Subway bathrobe was a nice little jab at Dumbo.

4. (11) Denny Hamlin, FedEx Express Toyota

I haven't had a chance to find out if FedEx Fucks Up in my new neighborhood yet.

5. (14) Tony Stewart, Mobil 1/Bass Pro Shops Chevy

Wait, does that mean he has the camo this week? I'm so confused.

6. (78) Kurt Busch, Furniture Row/Beautyrest Chevy

Dumbo, hon, there's not enough beauty rest in the world.

7. (5) Kasey Kahne, Great Clips Chevy

Kandy's looking a very manly 14 these days.

8. (42) Juan Pablo Montoya, Target Chevy

For all those fearing that the Mantoy would actually manage to win an oval, have no fear! We're back and ready to jinx!

9. (24) Jeff Gordon, Pepsi Max Chevy

If Jeffypoo crashes much more, he's going to be mistaken for one of my drivers. Poor guy.

10. (9) Marcos Ambrose, DeWalt Ford

I got nothing on Marcos, except that he can wreck Jimmie all he wants.

11. (22) Joey Logano, Shell Pennzoil Ford

Logano gets the JPMSOQ. I'm sure the Mantoy would like to protest.

12. (2) Brad Keselowski, Miller Lite Ford

Has Kezzy cut down on his Tweeting in an attempt to make his season better yet?

13. (20) Matt Kenseth, Dollar General Toyota

Only The Evil One could acquire me as a fan and turn around and have his best season ever. Seriously, he should be comatose by now.

14. (51) AJ Allmendinger, Phoenix Construction Chevy

Ayjay snuck back into racing while I was moving my house. Good for him.

15. (88) Dale Earnhardt Jr., National Guard Chevy

My mother, being not the nice kind of Junior fan, is undoubtedly wailing and gnashing teeth.

16. (31) Jeff Burton, Caterpillar Chevy

Hm. You need to find a new place to qualify, Jeffy. I'm pretty sure I've used all these factoids before.

17. (15) Clint Bowyer, RKMotorsCharlotte.com Toyota

I would like to warn everybody that I am rapidly becoming a Clint Bowyer fan. So enjoy his success while he still has it.

18. (1) Jamie McMurray, Cessna Chevy

Dude, I know you wanna be just like Ellyut, but just because you've got airplanes on your car doesn't mean you can fly.

19. (18) Kyle Busch, M&M's Red-White-Blue M-Prove America Toyota

M&Ms improve everything. Except Kyle Busch.

20. (33) Austin Dillon, Mycogen Seeds Chevy

Mycogen? That sounds like something you grow mushrooms from.

Ah, sunflowers. Equally useless.

21. (43) Aric Almirola, Eckrich Ford

The 43 hasn't been this overlooked since Andretti was driving it.

22. (93) Travis Kvapil, Burger King/Dr Pepper Toyota

Burger King actually sounds kinda good right now.

23. (27) Paul Menard, Menards/Duracell Chevy

Duracell? Hmph. As if.

24. (29) Kevin Harvick, Jimmy John's Chevy

You know, we have one of those now. I've never been brave enough to try it, though.

25. (17) Ricky Stenhouse Jr., Ford EcoBoost Ford

Is the press still calling him "Mr. Danica," or have we moved on to "Ricky Who?"

26. (55) Mark Martin, Aaron's Dream Machine Toyota

Mark is more of a nightmare, si?

27. (16) Greg Biffle, 3M Safety Ford

I'm glad he's safe, but can we try to be safe and win?

28. (21) Trevor Bayne, Motorcraft/Quick Lane Tire & Auto Center Ford

I got nothing on Trevor.

29. (40) Landon Cassill, Interstate Moving Services Chevy

I do not approve of moving interstates.

30. (13) Casey Mears, GEICO Ford

SNRCH!

31. (83) David Reutimann, Burger King/Dr Pepper Toyota

Seriously, wondering how late our Burger King stays open....

32. (35) Josh Wise, MDS Transport Ford

Do we know you?

33. (10) Danica Patrick, GoDaddy.com Chevy

Yeah. Got nothing.

34. (47) Bobby Labonte, Scott Products Toyota

Is this the yard maintenance or the paper products? I get these cars so confused.

35. (98) Michael McDowell, K-Love/Curb Records Ford

These people have an app on my new laptop. I found it annoying.

The same, however, could be said for the entirety of Windows 8, which needs to be exposed on a high cliff and left to die.

36. (34) David Ragan, CSX/Play It Safe Ford

Play it safe? From the guy who spent his first race at Martinsville pissing off everybody to the point that Kenny fucking Schrader wanted to kill you?

37. (30) David Stremme, Widow Wax/Lean1 Toyota

I realize that this is actually some supposedly-cutting-edge name, but "Widow Wax" just sounds...unpleasant.

Also, after reading their website, I'm still not sure if this is for car care or hair care. Information is our friend, dudes.

38. (56) Martin Truex Jr., NAPA Auto Parts Toyota

Apparently the NAPA Know How didn't this week.

39. (36) JJ Yeley, Tommy Baldwin Racing Chevy

How is Teh Squash supposed to squash if he never stays in the race long enough to squash?

40. (87) Joe Nemechek, Toyota

Not the front row, Joe.

41. (7) Dave Blaney, Tommy Baldwin Racing Chevy

BLANEY!

42. (38) David Gilliland, Long John Silver's Ford

Arrrrr, it be the Dread Pyrate Gillyweed.

43. (32) Timmy Hill, OXYwater Ford

Did not qualify

(19) Mike Bliss, Plinker Tactical/Value Place Toyota

Alas, our field is not Blissful.

(95) Scott Speed, Leavine Family Racing Ford

Nor, apparently, is it particularly Speedful.
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