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09 March 2013 @ 07:18 pm
Pole Follies: Vegas  
A brief administrative note: This week I found out that I have to move my house before May 31. Which means not only normal moving stuff, but finding a place to park said house and arranging for movement of said house. So if things get really hectic, Pole Follies may skip a week or two. And I'll end up with about as much hair as Josh Wise.


There was rain in the desert once again, so qualifying was canceled.

Just remember, folks: In case of drought, schedule a NASCAR race. If they'd had NASCAR in the 30s, the Dust Bowl would've been headed off at the pass.

1. (2) Brad Keselowski, Miller Lite Ford

Darn, if only you'd come in second last year. You could've had an RCSOQ.

2. (15) Clint Bowyer, 5-hour Energy Toyota

There's nothing funnier than the media trying to rile up a rivalry that's pretty much been settled.

3. (48) Jimmie Johnson, Lowe's/Kobalt Tools Chevy

I'm pretty sure I had something mean to say about you, but now I've gone and forgotten it.

4. (5) Kasey Kahne, Farmers Insurance Chevy

Kandy's just trying too hard with that new haircut. Instead of making him look like a boy, it makes him look like a girl who wants to be a Marine.

5. (16) Greg Biffle, American Red Cross/3M Ford

Donate blood! Vampires are depending on you!

6. (11) Denny Hamlin, FedEx Office Toyota

At least we have answered one question: No, FedEx actually can't find my house. Even after 13 years.

7. (17) Ricky Stenhouse Jr., Zest Ford

Okay, I hear that people are calling him Mr. Danica now? I don't know who to be more offended for.

8. (29) Kevin Harvick, Rheem Chevy
9. (14) Tony Stewart, MOBIL 1 Racing/Bass Pro Shops Chevy

Well, this is just trouble waiting to happen.

10. (24) Jeff Gordon, Drive to End Hunger Chevy

You know, you've been driving to end hunger for three years now. Have you made any progress?

11. (56) Martin Truex Jr., NAPA Auto Parts Toyota

I gotta admit, I'm liking the new NAPA commercials. At least they finally got rid of those bizarro lip-synching dudes.

12. (88) Dale Earnhardt Jr., AMP Energy Orange Chevy

Orange? I hope they didn't let Junior pick it, or that is going to be one bright car. You know how rednecks are about hunting safety.

13. (18) Kyle Busch, M&M's Toyota

This boy's just happy we're using last year's points, or he'd be back there with Blaney.

14. (39) Ryan Newman, Quicken Loans Chevy

Newman quickened last week. Right into the wall.

15. (55) Mark Martin, Aaron's Dream Machine Toyota

I guess it's appropriate to have Martin driving this. Nightmares are technically dreams, after all.

16. (99) Carl Edwards, Aflac Ford

"Look, Ma! No wrecks!"

17. (27) Paul Menard, Menards/Schrock Chevy

It's not 16th. Schrocking.

18. (20) Matt Kenseth, Dollar General Toyota

This. Will. Never. Be. Right.

19. (9) Marcos Ambrose, Stanley Ford

*shuffles notes* Damn, Marcos. Quit staying under the radar. Kill a jet dryer or something.

20. (31) Jeff Burton, Caterpillar Chevy

Aw, you did it again.

21. (22) Joey Logano, Shell Pennzoil Ford

I had a dream this afternoon where his car wrecked and the driver was penalized for being so stupid as to leave pit road with his hood falling off.

...okay, the driver in question was Kezzy, not Logano, but it still counts!

22. (43) Aric Almirola, Farmland Ford

Y'all realize that just because the town is names "the meadows" doesn't mean there are any, right?

23. (1) Jamie McMurray, McDonald's Chevy

...Hazel?

At this rate, the kid's gonna be a grandma before I get over this.

24. (78) Kurt Busch, Furniture Row Racing/Serta Chevy

Whatever else he does, he knows how to get sponsor airtime. I think they were hoping more for wins, though.

25. (42) Juan Pablo Montoya, AXE Apollo Chevy

The first commercial I see that tries to equate Juan Paolo with the Greek god of the sun....

26. (47) Bobby Labonte, Kingsford Toyota

Well, it is supposed to be a bit warmer here this weekend. I guess we could try for a barbecue.

27. (51) Austin Dillon, Tag Heuer Chevy

That sounds like one of the monsters from Grimm, which incidentally came back this week. Yay.

28. (93) Travis Kvapil, Burger King/Dr Pepper Toyota

Kvapil's namesake is apparently scared of strangers. He wouldn't leave the house today until those mean new owners finished scalping the grapevines.

29. (34) David Ragan, Ford

The goats went thataway. *points*

30. (13) Casey Mears, GEICO Ford

Look at it this way, Snrch: You're not in fucking 43rd this week.

31. (38) David Gilliland, Long John Silver's Ford

"Dread Pyrate Gillyweed" just doesn't have the same ring to it.

32. (83) David Reutimann, Burger King/Dr Pepper Toyota

Why have we shoved all the Davids into the same three rows? Are we trying to confuse people?

33. (7) Dave Blaney, SANY Chevy

Okay, what exactly is a SANY anyway?

34. (32) Ken Schrader, Federated Auto Parts Ford

SCHRADER! \o/

35. (36) JJ Yeley, Accell Construction Chevy

I don't know if construction and Teh Squash are a good combo.

36. (21) Trevor Bayne, Motorcraft/Quick Lane Tire & Auto Ford

Even Jayski doesn't have anything on Trevor.

37. (10) Danica Patrick, GoDaddy Racing Chevy

Countdown to headlines of "how the mighty have fallen": 3...2...1....

Countdown to fans beating in media heads: 3...2...1....

38. (30) David Stremme, MGM Grand, Las Vegas/Lean1 Toyota

I don't care. I prefer to #blamelogano

39. (98) Michael McDowell, Ambient Edge HVAC Ford

Lookee who got a new sponsor.

40. (95) Scott Speed, Surrender the Sponsor Ford

It's your own damn fault for letting him have the sponsor to begin with.

41. (33) Landon Cassill, Little Joe's Autos Chevy

Is this an out-west thing, or will you be bringing that sponsor back east with you?

42. (87) Joe Nemechek, Maddie'sPlaceRocks.com Toyota

Okay, this is apparently a concert venue in Montreal. I'm trying to figure out the logistics of this, and it's just not working.

Also: You guys can afford to sponsor a car and can't update your freakin' webpage? You're advertising a Foreigner show from last August.

43. (35) Josh Wise, MDS Transport/Riviera Hotel & Casino Ford

Well, at least you're locationally-appropriate.

Did not qualify

(19) Mike Bliss, Plinker Tactical/Stratosphere Hotel Casino & Tower Toyota

Dammit. I could use some Bliss this weekend.

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