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02 March 2013 @ 07:56 pm
Pole Follies: Phoenix  

1. (55) Mark Martin, Aaron's Dream Machine Toyota

The Dream Machine seems to be spitting out nightmares.

2. (5) Kasey Kahne, Quaker State Chevy

Still perfecting his bridesmaid dress.

3. (48) Jimmie Johnson, Lowe's Chevy

*glare*

4. (18) Kyle Busch, M&M's Toyota

I thought we went through this. You're supposed to sabotage Denny, not Kenseth.

And no, I don't care if you sabotage yourself while you're at it, but if I gotta put up with Kenseth being a fucking Gibbs car, the least you could do is help him out.

5. (24) Jeff Gordon, Pepsi MAX Chevy

I got nothing. I must still be pissed.

What, like you never hold a grudge?

6. (14) Tony Stewart, Bass Pro Shops/Mobil 1 Chevy

I was hoping for Bass Pro gift cards for my birthday. I've got my eye on a lovely cross-stitch box.

Don't know why the product description keeps calling it a "tacklebox," though.

7. (29) Kevin Harvick, Jimmy John's Chevy

Keylan may not have been much luck for the race, but he damn sure made sure that Daddy got home early.

8. (11) Denny Hamlin, FedEx Ground Toyota

When I'm next feeling adventurous, I'm going to order something and see if FedEx can still find my house.

No, I haven't moved, but tell the post office that.

9. (20) Matt Kenseth, Husky Toyota

...that sounds like it should be the car Tony Stewart drives.

Oh, like your brain didn't go there.

10. (39) Ryan Newman, Quicken Loans Chevy

I don't remember who it was now, but I swear, during the pre-race, we saw somebody on screen who had less neck than Newman. I didn't think that was physically possible.

11. (2) Brad Keselowski, Miller Lite Ford

I should be able to Tweet during the race this week. I know you care.

12. (17) Ricky Stenhouse, Jr., Best Buy Ford

It's good to know they didn't bother changing those unfortunate uniforms just because their pet rookie is dating Her Holiness.

13. (15) Clint Bowyer, 5-hour Energy Toyota

They did not play the Bowyer Commercial once during the race. I am irritated.

14. (56) Martin Truex, Jr., NAPA Filters Toyota

Admit it: You laughed at DW's can in that commercial too.

15. (99) Carl Edwards, Subway Ford

Screw winning, Flipper just wants to get through the race intact.

16. (27) Paul Menard, Menards/Serta Chevy

This is the same place you qualified last week. Quit that. I can't re-use factoids, you know.

17. (16) Greg Biffle, 3M/Novec Ford

Rats, no RCSOQ for Emma's dad.

18. (43) Aric Almirola, Farmland Ford

Ah, sponsors. Because the best place to advertise farmland is...the desert.

19. (1) Jamie McMurray, McDonald's Chevy

Hazel?

Yeah, I'll get over this eventually, but really? Hazel?

20. (31) Jeff Burton, Cheerios Chevy

The Warrant fan in me is pleased.

The Warrant fan in me has also discovered YouTube. Pity they never made an actual video for it, though.



21. (88) Dale Earnhardt, Jr., National Guard Chevy

I don't remember exactly when, but at one point last week I made the observation that all my drivers were out of the race and there were only a couple left I even liked.

I swear, maveness nearly tripped over a cat to smack me to make sure I didn't pull for Junior.

22. (9) Marcos Ambrose, DeWalt Ford

Am I the only one who still thinks "DeWalt" = "Kenseth"?

23. (51) AJ Allmendinger, Guy Roofing Chevy

Who is this guy, and why the hell is he still roofing?

24. (34) David Ragan, Ford

Nice, simple. Low on money, though.

25. (78) Kurt Busch, Furniture Row/Beautyrest Chevy

Well, if anybody in the field needs his beauty sleep....

26. (7) Dave Blaney, Sany Chevy
27. (36) JJ Yeley, Accell Construction Chevy

What is it with you two? You did this last week!

28. (95) Scott Speed, Surrender the Sponsor Ford

I'm not sure what disturbs me more: That sponsor, or the fact that Speed is actually crazy enough to kidnap his sponsor.

29. (42) Juan Pablo Montoya, Target Chevy

Um. At least this year you didn't hit the jet dryer?

30. (93) Travis Kvapil, Burger King/Dr.Pepper Toyota

That reminds me, I haven't seen my Waffle in awhile. I wonder where he's hiding.

31. (38) David Gilliland, Long John Silver's Ford

Arr, I do believe I prefer the Dread Pyrate Waffle.

32. (22) Joey Logano, Shell Pennzoil Ford

Go away.

33. (47) Bobby Labonte, Glad Toyota

I'm glad you're glad.

34. (83) David Reutimann, Burger King/Dr.Pepper Toyota

I could really go for some Burger King right now. We need one in Ramblin' Man.

35. (19) Mike Bliss, Plinker Tactical/Value Place Toyota

The field is Blissful.

36. (35) Josh Wise, Blockbuster.com Ford

Close but no RCSOQ for the lost Bodine brother.

37. (30) David Stremme, Swan Racing Toyota

Swan racing? Don't think I'm familiar with that sport.

38. (33) Landon Cassill, Little Joe's Autos Chevy

Come on, even Wise finally gave me material. Get with the program, Lando.

39. (44) Scott Riggs, No Label Watches Ford

So the only thing on the car is a sticker saying "car"?

40. (10) Danica Patrick, GoDaddy.com Chevy

Betcha she still gets ten times the coverage of anybody not named Earnhardt.

41. (87) Joe Nemechek, MaddiesPlaceRocks.com Toyota

If he keeps using this sponsor, I'm going to have to make up something involving this place for a character I have named Maddie.

42. (32) Ken Schrader, Safe Skies Locks Ford

Why are we locking the skies? Have the skies been bad?

43. (13) Casey Mears, GEICO Ford

BAD SNRCH!

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