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23 February 2013 @ 03:45 pm
Pole Follies: Daytona  

1. (10) Danica Patrick , GoDaddy.com Chevy

I really am not trying to belittle the woman's achievement. I'm not. I'm all for achieving. I just have big-ass problems with hype.

That said, this week's NASCAR coverage:

OMG GURL ON THE POLE OMGYAY: 25%
OMG GURL ON THE POLE OHNOES: 25%
OMG GURL DRIVER DATING BOY DRIVER: 45%
OMG DAYTONA: 4%
OMG MISCELLANEOUS: 1%

2. (24) Jeff Gordon, Drive to End Hunger Chevy

Yeah. Still pissed at you.

3. (29) Kevin Harvick, Budweiser Chevy

I told you Keylan's ass was going to get shellacked into that seat if he's not careful.

4. (18) Kyle Busch, M&M's Toyota

This is as good a place to any to ask: Why are we suddenly emblazoning the driver's names across the windshield? I mean, that may be useful at Bristol, where they go slow enough to see them, but at Daytona?

And seriously, we're still gonna be calling the 17 "Kenseth" and the 20 "Logano" for a couple of weeks, so let's just quit pretending that it's to aid the post-Silly-Season tongue-tiedness.

5. (16) Greg Biffle, 3M Ford

There have been a multitude of Emma sightings this week. It's like Biff suddenly remembered why drivers have kids.

(To show them off on pit road, duh.)

6. (5) Kasey Kahne, Farmers Insurance Chevy

I think Kandy got a new haircut during the off season. I'm guessing he was aiming for "more masculine," but all it did was make his eyes bluer.

7. (42) Juan Pablo Montoya, Target Chevy

I think the new Sunoco commercials should have Juan Pablo saying "If I only had a nickel for every jet dryer joke."

8. (33) Austin Dillon, Honey Nut Cheerios Chevy

Okay, now why am I thinking that somebody I know is going to be real pissed about the presence of this guy? *scratches head* *looks for notes*

9. (48) Jimmie Johnson, Lowe's Chevy

Your new-maker-car commercial is rather boring, compared to the competition. Just so's you know.

10. (15) Clint Bowyer, 5-hour Energy Toyota

She don't take keys.

I'm sorry. But there's something about his delivery that cracks me up. Every. Single. Time. I think it's because he's channeling his inner Bobby Singer. All he needs is to tack on "idjit."

11. (78) Kurt Busch, Furniture Row Chevy

I have nothing on Dumbo, but that's not because I'm out of material, it's because I can't be bothered to make the effort for His Earness.

12. (20) Matt Kenseth, Dollar General Toyota

Nothing is ever gonna make that number appropriate. *sigh*

13. (14) Tony Stewart, Bass Pro Shops/Mobil 1 Chevy

I suspect that I will be referring to the migration of Harvick to Tony Stewart Racing as "the creation of everybody's favorite threesome." Just think how much trouble Kevin, Delana, and Tony get into now.

14. (55) Mark Martin, Aaron's Dream Machine Toyota

Say what you will about Richard Petty, when he retired, he fucking retired.

15. (2) Brad Keselowski, Miller Lite Ford

You know what would have made his little new-Ford commercial great? If, after taking pictures of it, he'd posted them to Twitter.

16. (27) Paul Menard, Menards/Peak Chevy

1627: The last of the aurochs is killed. Is the plural of that "aurochses"? Well, I guess they didn't need to know.

17. (13) Casey Mears, GEICO Ford

SNRCH! \o/

18. (31) Jeff Burton, Caterpillar Chevy

I am told that Jeffy's nephew, everybody's Li'l Buddy Jeb, is now in truck racing. To which I, and the other NASCAR fan of my era, wail, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO(dbrf)OOOOOOOOOOO!" Because he can't be that old.

19. (88) Dale Earnhardt, Jr., National Guard Chevy

1988 was a very memorable year for your Intrepid Pole Follies Reporter.

20. (1) Jamie McMurray, McDonald's Chevy

Seriously, dude. Hazel?

21. (22) Joey Logano, Shell Pennzoil Ford

Close, but Pole Follies awards thee no RCSOQ, you ravening twit.

(Not to be confused with a ravening Twitterer.)

22. (34) David Ragan, Detail Doctor Ford

I'm sure Davey's namesake would approve, if she was still around here beating the crap out of my car and house.

23. (47) Bobby Labonte, Kroger Toyota

Sadly, I think Terry got more coverage during the Twins than Bobby did. Nobody respects the Labontes anymore.

24. (9) Marcos Ambrose, Stanley Ford

I just completely and totally blanked on Marcos' team. And I suspect that is going to bite me in the ass.

25. (38) David Gilliland, Love's Travel Stops Ford

Huh. That sponsor/make juxtaposition makes for an awkward sentence. Does Ford really want to be stopped by a convenience store?

26. (43) Aric Almirola, Smithfield Ford

Is this the same Smithfield that makes the hams? Because I could go for some ham right now.

27. (87) Joe Nemechek, Maddie's Place Rocks

And if I'm not actually in Maddie's place, why do I care?

Or are these some new kind of rocky placemats?

28. (17) Ricky Stenhouse, Jr., Best Buy Ford

Report: Three different papers refer to him as Mr. Danica Patrick; seven others call him "the guy in Kenseth's car"; brother of Pole Follies reporter calls him "Trevor Bayne"

29. (26) Michael Waltrip, Sandy Hook School Support Fund Toyota

Does the fund get extra moneys if Mikey pulls out a win?

And at least we gave that poor town a dignified paint scheme. Not like the normal kiddie-related ones.

30. (7) Dave Blaney, Florida Lottery Chevy

BLANEY! \o/

Oh, shaddup. You're not the one who woke up from a dream the other night convinced the man had been eaten by alligators.

31. (95) Scott Speed, Leavine Family Racing Ford

During the Twins on Thursday, my father came in during one and was reading the ticker.

"Speed... Lake Speed's in this?"

And you wonder why I qualify as old-school.

32. (35) Josh Wise, Blockbuster.com Ford

Josh Wise was interviewed on Thursday and asked how stressful it was. Well, obviously it was stressful. The man had less hair than a Bodine.

33. (21) Trevor Bayne, Motorcraft/Quick Lane Tire & Auto Center Ford

You have no idea how pissed I was when Damnlin and Flipper caught him in their silly little wreck. For fuck's sake, this was the only car Snrch could work with!


...what?

34. (39) Ryan Newman, Quicken Loans Chevy

Apparently on Friday, Tony Stewart felt it necessary to remind the press that he does, in fact, have another teammate. To which Newman blinked and said "We're a four-car team now?"

35. (11) Denny Hamlin, FedEx Express Toyota
36. (99) Carl Edwards, Fastenal Ford

You know, if you two keep wrecking cars like this, you're both going to be fired before Vegas.

37. (56) Martin Truex, Jr., NAPA Auto Parts Toyota

Trufax lost a window with something like two laps to go. Okay, that happens--but didn't that just happen to somebody in the Shootout? It's usually months, if not years, between random window disappearances.

38. (98) Michael McDowell, K-Love/Curb Records Ford

Michael's Twitter consists mainly of Bible verses and church blathering. Kinda disappointing, really.

39. (32) Terry Labonte, C&J Energy Services Ford

You know what? At least it's not Noisome Bill.

40. (51) Regan Smith, Guy Roofing Chevy

I have the biggest urge to yell "There's a guy on my roof!"

The impending race season may have made me a wee bit silly.

41. (36) JJ Yeley, Golden Corral Chevy

I know y'all are teammates and everything, but why did you steal the good sponsor and leave Blaney stuck with a fucking pink car?

42. (83) David Reutimann, Burger King/Dr.Pepper Toyota

Over the hiatus, I got a new job, and one of my clinics is based outside Root's hometown. I have NASCAR flashes every time Zephyrhills gets mentioned. It's-- Well, it's pathetic, but it's also kinda funny.

43. (93) Travis Kvapil, Burger King/Dr.Pepper Toyota

My father remains unappreciative of the perfectly good logic that led to the Cat That Came In During A NASCAR Race being named Waffle in honor of Kvapil.

Of course, my father is unappreciative of a lot of logic.

Did Not Qualify

(19) Mike Bliss, G-Oil/Plinker Tactical Toyota

The field is not Blissful.

(52) Brian Keselowski, TruckerFan.com Toyota

However, the field is already Keselowskiful. And just you try saying that three times fast.

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I am: sillysilly
listening to: Pirates of the Mississippi - The Storm