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18 February 2013 @ 11:40 pm
Pole Follies: The Twins  
And now, after a long break, Pole Follies returns!

We would have returned for the Shootout, but as usual, Brian France and his minions had their collective head up their ass. Send them the hate mail.


1. (10) Danica Patrick , GoDaddy Chevy

I'm all for breaking records, but why do I suspect the big story isn't going to be that a woman got the 500 pole, but that she's dating *gasp* another driver?

2. (21) Trevor Bayne, Motorcraft/Quick Lane Tire & Auto Center Ford

FYI: maveness is still tickled by the in-car of recording of Trevor's win.

3. (14) Tony Stewart, Bass Pro Shops/Mobil 1 Chevy

There was this whole incident in qualifying about him, a team member, and a broken zipper. It actually sounded worse than I just made it out to be.

4. (11) Denny Hamlin, FedEx Express Toyota

My mother keeps asking me if they've had their kid, because what I really care about is Damnlin's reproduction.

5. (22) Joey Logano, Shell Pennzoil Ford

New car, new team, new uniform. Still hate your scrawny guts.

6. (88) Dale Earnhardt, Jr., National Guard Chevy

I still want skelly gloves like Junior's. Why has no one given me skelly gloves?

7. (42) Juan Pablo Montoya, Target Chevy

Somebody take the target off the jet dryer this year.

8. (13) Casey Mears, GEICO Ford

SNRCH!

9. (99) Carl Edwards, Fastenal Ford

Discount on Flipper.

10. (56) Martin Truex, Jr., NAPA Auto Parts Toyota

Apropos of nothing, why is Hawaii 5-0 currently annoying me with football arguments?

11. (48) Jimmie Johnson, Lowe's Chevy

I'd be lying if I said there wasn't much rejoicing when he wrecked. We just hope this presages well for the rest of the season.

12. (2) Brad Keselowski, Miller Lite Ford

You gotta love a sport where they manage to screw up the rules to the point where the current champion winds up in the booth, not in the season-opening exhibition race.

While Terry Labonte, who hasn't had a full-time ride in close to seven years, is.

13. (29) Kevin Harvick, Budweiser Chevy

Well, Keylan's ass is going to be plopped in that seat before every race from now on.

14. (16) Greg Biffle, 3M Ford

Okay, I had never seen the logo for the Greg Biffle Foundation before, and I just gotta say:



KITTY!

In a HELMET!

Sorry, that's just the cutest thing since McMerry started pulling bunnies out of his helmet.

15. (38) David Gilliland, Love's Travel Stops Ford

I read that as "Lowe's" and was wondering how the hell Gilly stole part of Jimmie Johnson's sponsor.

16. (26) Michael Waltrip, Sandy Hook School Support Fund Toyota

...I hate it when they make sure there's no way I can make fun of them without sounding like the bad guy.

17. (78) Kurt Busch, Furniture Row Chevy

1778: The Wyoming Massacre occurs in Pennsylvania and later donates its name to the state of Wyoming, the first state to give women the right to vote, put them on juries, and put them in political office.

See what I did there?

18. (95) Scott Speed, Leavine Family Racing Ford

1895: Biltmore Estate completed, albeit not with the intention of becoming a tourist trap.

19. (51) Regan Smith, Guy Roofing Chevy

What Guy?

20. (47) Bobby Labonte, Kroger Toyota

Wait. We still have Krogers? I thought they went bankrupt years ago.

21. (83) David Reutimann, Burger King/Dr.Pepper Toyota

Apparently, the Burger King Twitter was hacked by McDonald's. Well, I'm assuming by someone who really likes McDonald's. That doesn't seem like something you have your corporate IT guys do, no matter how large your market share.

22. (87) Joe Nemechek, Florida DOT/D.A.B. Constructors Toyota

I'd say this ain't the front row, but in the Twins, Joe actually might wind up in the second row.

23. (52) Brian Keselowski, TruckerFan.com Toyota

Brian's the adorable one, right?





1. (24) Jeff Gordon, Drive to End Hunger Chevy

Jeffy, Jeffy, Jeffy. I had so much hope for you, and then I read this story, and REALLY? YOU DIDN'T BOTHER TELLING YOUR OWN FUCKING DAUGHTER THAT IF SHE WANTED TO BE A DAMN RACE CAR DRIVER SHE COULD?

I mean, it's one thing if the kid knows that and doesn't want to be. But to "not know"? Of all the kids in the world who might not realize that?

Don't worry, Jeffy. Soon as she starts racing, I'll be in your daughter's fan club.

2. (39) Ryan Newman, Quicken Loans Chevy

The free-bloomin'-onion promo will still be in effect this year, which gives us all a reason to pull for him to come in 9th.

3. (5) Kasey Kahne, Farmers Insurance Chevy

Report: Several reporters stop Kandy to ask if his opinion of women in motorsports, being as he looks like one

4. (18) Kyle Busch, M&M's Toyota

Such a good sponsor. Such an annoying driver.

5. (20) Matt Kenseth, Dollar General Toyota

Yeah, that's gonna take a while to get used to.

6. (17) Ricky Stenhouse, Jr., Best Buy Ford

I bet all his stories aren't about him dating Danica.

7. (27) Paul Menard, Menards/Peak Chevy

There's an article out there actually postulating that Menard may be in trouble. The boy carries around his own sponsor. Until the economy gets better, he's pretty much got a ride. Maybe not with Childress, but he'll have a ride.

8. (33) Austin Dillon, Honey Nut Cheerios Chevy

*shuffles notes* I should know this name. Why should I know this name?

9. (15) Clint Bowyer, 5-hour Energy Toyota

She don't take keys, boy.

10. (31) Jeff Burton, Caterpillar Chevy

At the moment, there is no heavy equipment parked outside my house. Of course, that could be because nobody, including me, knows where I live at the moment.

11. (1) Jamie McMurray, McDonald's Chevy

Okay, if he's not sponsored by Bass Pro, I don't have to do the Bass Boat Song, right?

Besides, the man named his newborn Hazel. I don't care if it's for Grandma, giving your kid a name better known these days as a hurricane is just...weird.

12. (9) Marcos Ambrose, Stanley Ford

Marcos was summat of a non-entity on Saturday night.

13. (43) Aric Almirola, Smithfield Ford

Response with about three laps to go in the Shootout: "Wait, Aric's in this and Kezzy's not? How the fuck does that work?"

14. (55) Mark Martin, Aaron's Dream Machine Toyota

Okay, at some point, we are going to make this guy retire, right?

15. (34) David Ragan, Detail Doctor Ford

As a medical transcriptionist, I can attest that most doctors don't give a fuck about the details.

Sorry, did that sound bitter?

16. (35) Josh Wise, MDS Transport Ford

1635: The Great Colonial Hurricane strikes New England.

17. (98) Michael McDowell, K-Love/Curb Records Ford

1798: Did you know that there was a war between the US and France in 1798? Me neither. It's called the Quasi-War because nobody ever bothered to declare it.

18. (32) Terry Labonte, C&J Energy Services Ford

He has a champion's provisional to fall back on. In case you forgot.

19. (7) Dave Blaney, Florida Lottery Chevy
20. (36) JJ Yeley, Golden Corral Chevy

Why did you two switch numbers? You're just trying to confuse me, aren't you? Do you hate me that much?

21. (93) Travis Kvapil, Burger King/Dr.Pepper Toyota

*wafflewafflewaffle*

22. (19) Mike Bliss, G-Oil/Plinker Tactical Toyota

At least one field will be Blissful.

 
 
I am: accomplishedaccomplished
listening to: Hawaii 5-0
 
 
 
seriouslyclaire on February 19th, 2013 05:11 am (UTC)
The moment where I read that last one as the Pinker Tactical Toyota.

Because tactical stuff should totally be pink.
maveness on February 19th, 2013 03:38 pm (UTC)


I love that Ella wanted to meet Kasey because he's cute. And Jr. because he's popular. And Jimmie because she's a good little NASCAR fan that realizes she needs to use dad's connection to meet someone with 5 championships (but not because she likes him or anything).

You can tell your mom that spawn of Denny was born a few weeks ago. Now, how did I know Denny was spawning but had no clue that McMurray was spawning again? Huh?