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18 March 2012 @ 07:47 am
Pole Follies: Bristol  

1. (16) Greg Biffle, Ford, 3M/811

811: For when 911 is just too much.

Like when the asshole neighbor is wandering around the neighborhood revving the whatever-the-hell-it-is for no apparent reason.

2. (22) A.J. Allmendinger, Dodge, Shell/Pennzoil

Triple threat for Ayjay!

3. (39) Ryan Newman, Chevrolet, Quicken Loans

Apropos of nothing, it is fucking hot in this house.

4. (24) Jeff Gordon, Chevrolet, Drive to End Hunger

I find it very hard to make proper jokes while some asshole neighbor--and believe me, I thought they were all gone--is revving what sounds like a souped-up bulldozer.

5. (2) Brad Keselowski, Dodge, Miller Lite

If everybody's brackets imploded, why the fuck won't they shut up about it?

This message brought to you by the March Madness Sucks And Should Be Banned Foundation.

6. (78) Regan Smith, Chevrolet, Furniture Row/CSX "Play it Safe"

With furniture? What the hell do they do with their furniture over in Denver?

7. (43) Aric Almirola, Ford, Charter Comm.

By all means, NOL. Chopping off those letters on the end absolutely saved your website from annihilation.

8. (99) Carl Edwards, Ford, Cheez-It

You just don't get much more cheesy than Flipper.

9. (20) Joey Logano, Toyota, The Home Depot

My mother has plans to go to Home Despot in the morning. I'm just tagging along for a free breakfast.

10. (5) Kasey Kahne, Chevrolet, Farmers Insurance

Kandy gets the Dumbo SOQ.

11. (27) Paul Menard, Chevrolet, Moen/Menards

I should not be running out of material this early in the season. Especially for a car that color.

12. (9) Marcos Ambrose, Ford, Mac Tools

Not Mac, Marcos.

13. (18) Kyle Busch, Toyota, Wrigley

You might want to give some sponsor product to K-naus. The way that appeal's going, he's gonna need something extry to chomp.

14. (29) Kevin Harvick, Chevrolet, Budweiser

Delana Tweeted today that the hills at Bristol were hard on a pregnant woman.

The hills at Bristol are hard on any woman. And any man, for that matter.

15. (56) Martin Truex Jr., Toyota, NAPA Auto Parts

I see more and more Truex fans in the wild. It's starting to scare me.

16. (15) Clint Bowyer, Toyota, 5-hour Energy

I can't find anything interesting in 1615. Which I choose to blame on Clint's bad karaoke.

17. (1) Jamie McMurray, Chevrolet, McDonald's

I don't know what it is with Chip'n'Dale Racing this year, but they're having Naydoo-luck.

I swear I'm not pulling for them. Not any more than usual, anyway.

18. (88) Dale Earnhardt Jr., Chevrolet, National Guard/Diet Mountain Dew

1888: The National Geographic Society is founded. Many years later, your Intrepid Pole Follies Reporter would spend far too many days moving her collection.

19. (10) David Reutimann, Chevrolet, Tradebank

1910: World panics over appearance of Halley's Comet; claims end of world is nigh.

Later, 1910: World realizes that world is stupid.

Later yet: Lather, rinse, repeat.

20. (11) Denny Hamlin, Toyota, FedEx Ground

Speaking of stupid.

21. (17) Matt Kenseth, Ford, Best Buy

I do love it when my Best Buy curtain is apropos. So what if it has Sadler on it?

22. (48) Jimmie Johnson, Chevrolet, Lowe's/Kobalt Tools

Yeah, the number of people hoping K-naus wins the appeal of the appeal numbers in the teens.

23. (14) Tony Stewart, Chevrolet, Office Depot/Mobil 1

I blanked out a lot of last week's race due to sleepies. Did he win, or did I imagine that?

24. (13) Casey Mears, Ford, GEICO


A girl can hope.

25. (55) Brian Vickers, Toyota, Aaron's Dream Machine


Although the thrill is lessened somewhat by his political leanings of late.

26. (38) David Gilliland, Ford, Taco Bell

No quiero. I have overdosed on Mexican. That's what happens when Mexican is one of the few things you can cook.

27. (51) Kurt Busch, Chevrolet, HendrickCars.com

If you'd like to take Scrubby out, do feel free.

28. (30) David Stremme, Toyota, Food Country USA/Inception Motorsports

So, this is a grocery store that doesn't really exist?

29. (83) Landon Cassill, Toyota, Burger King/Dr Pepper

Dude, if you don't put that stupid thing up, I'm going to find that gun you keep shooting and use it on your ass. /stupid neighbor

30. (42) Juan Pablo Montoya, Chevrolet, Target

Mantoy, if I were you, I'd hide those Targets.

31. (34) David Ragan, Ford, Front Row Motorsports

Close but no RCSOQ.

32. (33) Brendan Gaughan, Chevrolet, South Point Hotel & Casino

I'm beginning to think he's not Gone after all.

33. (31) Jeff Burton, Chevrolet, BB&T

Ah, so he got stuck with the Burgundy Car O' Doom.

34. (93) Travis Kvapil, Toyota, Burger King/Dr Pepper

Man, I could go for a chicken sandwich right about now.

35. (36) Dave Blaney, Chevrolet, SealWrap/Widow Wax


Is that supposed to say "Widow," or is that a typo for "Window"?

Because I really don't know why the hell one would want to wax a widow.

36. (47) Bobby Labonte, Toyota, Clorox/Scott Products

Speaking of which, the bathroom Clorox bottle is missing, and somehow, it's my mother's fault.

37. (26) Josh Wise, Ford, Morristown Driver's Service

Now I wanna know: Where the hell is Morristown?

38. (74) Reed Sorenson, Chevrolet, Turn One Racing/Carnegie Hotel

I hope you get farther in the race than that sponsor would make it sound like.

39. (98) Michael McDowell, Ford, K-Love "Let it start with me"

Let what start with you? And what's a K-Love? You never did answer that.

40. (49) J.J. Yeley, Toyota, JPO Absorbents

Well, at least it's not the other sponsor.

41. (87) Joe Nemechek, Toyota, AMFMEnergy.com/Pellet & Wood Stoves

We don't need those, or have you not seen the temps in this area lately?

42. (32) Ken Schrader, Ford, TMone "We Drive Sales"

Where are we driving them?

43. (23) Scott Riggs, Chevrolet, North Texas Pipe

Buh-hay-ma is not in North Texas, you know.

Did Not Qualify

(37) Timmy Hill, Ford, Poynt.com

You'll never get ROTY like this, dude.

Also, Jayski is telling me Crash failed to make the race. It appears he failed to make the list, which is somehow sadder than the fact that he failed to make the race because the bloody car wouldn't start.
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