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11 March 2012 @ 03:18 am
Pole Follies: Vegas  

1. (5) Kasey Kahne, Chevrolet, Farmers Insurance
2. (18) Kyle Busch, Toyota, M&M's Ms. Brown

According to sources, the little dance that Red does in the new commercial? Scrub has done that dance. In the same amount of clothing.

Hey, if I have to suffer that image, you have to suffer that image.

3. (29) Kevin Harvick, Chevrolet, Budweiser

I'm detecting a pattern.

4. (88) Dale Earnhardt Jr., Chevrolet, National Guard/Diet Mountain Dew

Junior apparently collects crashed cars. His latest acquisition: The Mantoy's car from Daytona. Well, the singed remains of it.

...I kinda want to know if he also acquired the jet dryer.

5. (15) Clint Bowyer, Toyota, 5-hour Energy

Clint seems to be on Twitter now, for those into that kind of thing.

Apparently it's a requirement for MWR drivers.

6. (48) Jimmie Johnson, Chevrolet, Lowe's/Kobalt Tools

I don't care if this is in the kids' section. Tell me this is not the most hideous shirt you've ever seen:

The sad part is, they have them for everybody. They're just advertising Jimson's.

7. (14) Tony Stewart, Chevrolet, Mobil 1/Office Depot

JPMSOQ for Bluto, who has been uncharacteristically quiet lately.

8. (20) Joey Logano, Toyota, Dollar General

Obviously, Home Despot believes the Vegans do not deserve home improvement.

9. (16) Greg Biffle, Ford, 3M/Meguiars

Biffle seems to be giving dog advice on Twitter. It's hard to tell. His typing is somewhere short of an abomination unto the English language.

10. (56) Martin Truex Jr., Toyota, NAPA Auto Parts

It's official: Mikey's bad Jerry Lee Lewis impersonation is still not as bad as the never-blinking dude on this year's Know-How commercial.

11. (17) Matt Kenseth, Ford, Zest

The Evil One shills soap. There is something fundamentally wrong with this.

12. (51) Kurt Busch, Chevrolet, Tag Heuer Eyewear


13. (55) Mark Martin, Toyota, Aaron's Dream Machine

1355: Mark Martin's first wrinkle appears.

14. (22) A.J. Allmendinger, Dodge, Pennzoil

Last week, during an Ayjay pit stop: "Go Harvick!"

Apparently my brain is still in 2010.

15. (9) Marcos Ambrose, Ford, Dewalt

I have nothing on Marcos. Hell, the Tasmanian devil on my Treasure Isle game isn't even cooperating.

16. (24) Jeff Gordon, Chevrolet, DuPont 20 Years

Nothing interesting happened in 1624, so I am forced to resort to saying "It's been 20 years?"

17. (11) Denny Hamlin, Toyota, FedEx Freight

1711: Busy year in NC, what with rebellions and wars and ill-fated survey missions.

18. (39) Ryan Newman, Chevrolet, Quicken Loans

If I read Twitter correctly, the Newmans are expecting another bundle of joy to play with Daddy's earrings.

Really, we need to work on this population explosion. By which I do not mean "increase it."

19. (1) Jamie McMurray, Chevrolet, McDonald's

Considering the number of girls being born to other drivers, the McMerrys are going to have to get very busy if they expect to provide enough boys.

Maybe the McMerrys are drinking from a different water fountain.

20. (2) Brad Keselowski, Dodge, Miller Lite

We all know how quickly his Twitter numbers jumped. Has anybody been keeping track of how many he's lost since?

21. (99) Carl Edwards, Ford, Aflac

I saw a picture somewhere this week where the missus was a: seen and b: listed as "Dr." You have no idea how much that impressed me. Remember, this is a sport where Stevie Waltrip had to be listed as an owner in order to have access to the pits.

22. (31) Jeff Burton, Chevrolet, Caterpillar

Dude, you need to give me some material here. I'm running low.

23. (33) Brendan Gaughan, Chevrolet, South Point Hotel & Casino

Hm. He seems to still be here, rather than Gone.

24. (47) Bobby Labonte, Toyota, Kingsford/Bush's Beans

I could go for a barbecue right now. Some nice, juicy hamburgers....

Okay, so Lent is getting to me.

25. (21) Trevor Bayne, Ford, Motorcraft/Quick Lane Tire & Auto Center

No disrespect intended, but DW's shock that Trevor didn't manage another miracle at Daytona has been kinda ridiculous.

26. (27) Paul Menard, Chevrolet, Schrock/Menards

Menard's becoming a danger off the track. He, Regan, and their wives were in a wreck this week.

27. (43) Aric Almirola, Ford, Richard Petty Fantasy Racing Camp

We're running a camp now? And I thought the rock fantasy camps were embarrassing.

28. (78) Regan Smith, Chevrolet, Furniture Row/Farm American

Indeed, for if your furniture does not farm American, then you are a traitor and must die.

Sorry. Watching Klingons.

29. (42) Juan Pablo Montoya, Chevrolet, Clorox

I'd say something about the Clorox bleaching the season so far, but considering that the Mantoy crashed in practice....

30. (83) Landon Cassill, Toyota, Burger King

I wish I had the money to take proper advantage of that lovely buy one get one deal they have going on the original chicken sandwich. I do love their chicken sandwiches.

31. (10) David Reutimann, Chevrolet, Accell Construction

Wasn't that Blaney's sponsor last year?

32. (13) Casey Mears, Ford, GEICO

Alas. Close, but no CMPSOQ.

33. (26) Josh Wise, Ford, Morristown Driver's Service

Is it just me, or is this guy sponsored by a taxi service?

34. (38) David Gilliland, Ford, Front Row Motorsports
35. (34) David Ragan, Ford, Front Row Motorsports

This is not what we meant by "teamwork," boys.

36. (49) J.J. Yeley, Toyota, America Israel Racing

Squash, hon, you're giving me Rapture nightmares again.

37. (93) Travis Kvapil, Toyota, Burger King

Mm. Chicken sandwiches.

38. (36) Dave Blaney, Chevrolet, Ollie's Bargain Outlet

Blaney's 400th start! \o/

39. (98) Michael McDowell, Ford, Curb Records

There's something wanting to be said about this sponsorship being the last gasp of a dying company, but I can't quite frame it.

40. (87) Joe Nemechek, Toyota, AMFMEnergy.com/Pellet & Wood Stoves

Boy, there are a lot of blond Klingons in this scene.

Sorry. Enterprise.

41. (32) Ken Schrader, Ford, Federated Auto Parts


Oh, come on. If anybody deserves a yell, it's Schrader.

42. (37) Timmy Hill, Ford, Poynt.com

Who are you, and what the heck is this misspelled sponsor of yours?

43. (30) David Stremme, Toyota, Inception Motorsports

Why are we still blaming Stremme? He hasn't done anything?

Did Not Qualify

(7) Robby Gordon, Dodge, Speed Energy

Yeah. Still in shock over the whole Crash-breeding thing.

(23) Scott Riggs, Chevrolet, North Texas Pipe/Riviera Hotel

Riggsy always gets the wackiest sponsor juxtapositions.
Tags: ,
I am: awakeawake
listening to: Kenny Rogers - Scarlet Fever
deifire on March 12th, 2012 01:29 am (UTC)
The Evil One shills soap. There is something fundamentally wrong with this

I have decided to add to the wrong by using the hashtag #mattkensethintheshower on Twitter until such a commercial actually becomes reality.