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03 March 2012 @ 09:42 pm
Pole Follies: Phoenix  

1. (55) Mark Martin, Toyota, Aaron's Dream Machine

I had a dream that you stayed retired.

2. (14) Tony Stewart, Chevrolet, Office Depot/Mobil 1

Bluto was remarkably quiet last week. Somebody check and see if any photographers got decked while the media's attention was on Danica.

3. (78) Regan Smith, Chevrolet, Furniture Row/Farm American

It's a hellacious commute to Tanzania.

4. (48) Jimmie Johnson, Chevrolet, Lowe's/Kobalt Tools

K-naus and the Dead Ferrets have been suspended for 6 weeks. Also, Jimbo owes Mike Helton some points.

5. (42) Juan Pablo Montoya, Chevrolet, Target

Fun is trying to explain to your non-NASCAR-savvy therapist exactly what you mean when she asks how Daytona went and you say "Mantoy killed a jet dryer!"

6. (39) Ryan Newman, Chevrolet, Wix Filters

Brooklyn was so cute during the rain delay. Especially the part where she was playing with Daddy's big-ass glam-era hoop earrings on camera.

7. (16) Greg Biffle, Ford, 3M Commercial Graphics

Hm, Kenseth's win was apparently Roush's 300th. I guess we couldn't mention that because we had to rush to interview Danica.

8. (29) Kevin Harvick, Chevrolet, Rheem

The Harvicks are apparently calling the future baby "Ottis." I don't know if that's the actual fake name, or if Kevin just can't type "Otis."

9. (20) Joey Logano, Toyota, The Home Depot

Still don't like you.

10. (5) Kasey Kahne, Chevrolet, Farmers Insurance

Kandy acquires the Dumbo SOQ.

11. (31) Jeff Burton, Chevrolet, Wheaties

Will eating Wheaties make Waterworks not cry for once?

12. (18) Kyle Busch, Toyota, M&M's Ms. Brown

Why are we making a character out of Brown now? I mean, it's not like the brown ones haven't been around since the beginning.

13. (11) Denny Hamlin, Toyota, FedEx Office

Jayski has nothing on Damnlin. I guess that means I don't either.

14. (9) Marcos Ambrose, Ford, Stanley

The grand marshal is somebody named Ndamukong Suh. I can't wait to hear how they mangle that.

15. (22) A.J. Allmendinger, Dodge, Shell/Pennzoil

Penske is changing to Ford next year. If the media is any indication, this news is supposed to make us all wail and gnash teeth.

16. (15) Clint Bowyer, Toyota, 5-hour Energy

Keep the energy stuff away from Mikey and no one will get hurt.

17. (47) Bobby Labonte, Toyota, Kingsford/Scott Products

1747: It was discovered that citrus prevents scurvy.

18. (43) Aric Almirola, Ford, Smithfield "Allez cuisine"

Wait. Isn't that what the Chairman says at the beginning of Iron Chef?

19. (51) Kurt Busch, Chevrolet, Phoenix Construction Services

1951: Some poor woman has an ovarian cyst removed in a four-day operation. Apparently the thing was the size of both Busches.

20. (27) Paul Menard, Chevrolet, Tarkett/Menards

There are bugs in here buzzing around my light.

What? The topic was Menard. He's an annoying thing, right?

21. (1) Jamie McMurray, Chevrolet, Bass Pro Shops/Tracker Boats

We never get to sing the Bass Boat Song anymore....

22. (83) Landon Cassill, Toyota, Burger King

I hate food sponsors. They make me hungry.

23. (36) Dave Blaney, Chevrolet, Ollie's Bargain Outlet

I tried, man. It's not my fault the raindance didn't work.

If it helps, I did scare the shit out of the cats.

24. (99) Carl Edwards, Ford, Subway

Massive Flipper inflation.

Also, I want a sandwich.

25. (56) Martin Truex Jr., Toyota, NAPA Filters

Are those regular filters, for the car, or heavy-duty, for Mikey?

26. (17) Matt Kenseth, Ford, Best Buy

Seen on the Evil One's Tweets this week: @allwaltrip RT @jsoupzzz: @mattkenseth what's your favorite type of dinosaur?

For those not on Twitter, @allwaltrip is the handle of DW.

27. (23) Scott Riggs, Chevrolet, North Texas Pipe

Riggsy? Where the fuck did you come from?

28. (2) Brad Keselowski, Dodge, Miller Lite

For those wondering, Kezzy's phone has a holder in the car because some time ago, he was airlifted out of a crash and couldn't call his mommy immediately because he didn't have his cell phone.

I expect Kezzy to be on an anti-texting-and-driving PSA shortly.

29. (88) Dale Earnhardt Jr., Chevrolet, National Guard/Diet Mountain Dew

I swear, he sounds more and more like my brother with every damn interview.

30. (24) Jeff Gordon, Chevrolet, Drive to End Hunger

Great. Now Jeffy is tweeting racing basics, like his entire fanbase is a bunch of stupid kindergartners.

31. (13) Casey Mears, Ford, GEICO

Snrch gets the eponymous CMPSOQ!

32. (10) David Reutimann, Chevrolet, Accell Construction

MRN keeps calling one of its reporters "Kyle Ricky." I'm sure that's his actual name, but it keeps making me think of Ricky Bobby.

33. (26) Josh Wise, Ford, Morristown Driver's Service


And what?

34. (34) David Ragan, Ford, Barrett-Jackson

RCSOQ for Ragan!

35. (49) J.J. Yeley, Toyota, America Israel Racing

Yeah, I'm gonna have to resort to hoping you live up to the name Squash again, Squash.

36. (38) David Gilliland, Ford, Rick Santorum for President


Look real hard, people. We've just found the thing to make me not pull for Gillyweed.

37. (98) Michael McDowell, Ford, Curb Records

Boy, the record companies are getting desperate to stave off downloads, aren't they?

38. (87) Joe Nemechek, Toyota, AMFMEnergy.com/Pellet & Wood Stoves

Nemechek is in the top 10 in Nationwide points. Trufax.

39. (7) Robby Gordon, Dodge, Speed Energy

I'm sorry, but who on earth would actually breed with Crash?

40. (33) Brendan Gaughan, Chevrolet, South Point Hotel & Casino

Huh? I thought you were Gone.

41. (93) Travis Kvapil, Toyota, Burger King

Really, Waffle? Are you trying to make me crack the piggy bank so I can go buy food?

42. (32) Mike Bliss, Ford, U.S. Chrome/Southern Pride Trucking

The field is Blissful.

I think Santorum is anti-bliss.

43. (30) David Stremme, Toyota, Inception Motorsports

Be careful this week, Stremme. Last time you caused a caution, a jet dryer died.

Did Not Qualify

(37) Timmy Hill, Ford, Poynt.com


Also, you spelled that wrong.
Tags: ,
I am: accomplishedaccomplished
listening to: Star Trek Enterprise: "Detained"
deifire on March 4th, 2012 01:52 pm (UTC)
Why are we making a character out of Brown now?

Because the opportunity to sell M&M's with nudity was too good to pass up? (I haven't been able to look at that commercial quite the same way ever since Samantha Busch tweeted that Kyle has done that dance.)

Keep the energy stuff away from Mikey and no one will get hurt.

For some reason, the possibility of Mikey consuming a bunch of Clint's sponsor hadn't occurred to me yet, but now I am scared. Really, really scared.
bubblesbrnaid on March 4th, 2012 07:02 pm (UTC)
I was SO hoping that didn't refer to Red's dance. *shudder*

It never occurred to you? All it takes is one dare, and Mikey the Sponsor Whore will be bouncing off Jupiter.