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25 February 2012 @ 05:11 pm
Pole Follies: Daytona  

I spent the whole week trying to remember what it was I was forgetting, and on my way to watch the Twins, remembered that I hadn't done Pole Follies for the Twins. Um. Sorry?

Here. Have my favorite NASCAR song to listen to as you read. You gotta love a song that has a line like "Fatback said I ran a great lap time."



Wait, Mike Foster sings lead on that? When did we let the drummer start singing? And why is he doing a Kenny Wallace impersonation?

...I'm gonna go boggle for a moment.

1. (99) Carl Edwards, Ford, Fastenal

THE DRUMMER IS SINGING LEAD ON MY FAVORITE SONG? WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN?

No. Really. Getting over it. Promise.

2. (16) Greg Biffle, Ford, 3M

Why, no. I can't top last week's cuteness. Well, not until they start posting more pix, anyway.

3. (14) Tony Stewart, Chevrolet, Office Depot/Mobil 1

I believe someone on MRN referred to him as a "whale of a driver" today. I'm not sure if they meant it to sound the way it did.

4. (17) Matt Kenseth, Ford, Best Buy

I wore my Kenseth shirt to the parentals' the other day to watch the Twins. My father may now be considering disowning me.

He never did have any taste.

5. (88) Dale Earnhardt Jr., Chevrolet, Diet Mountain Dew/National Guard

For the first time in a decade, there will be more media at somebody else's hauler.

6. (78) Regan Smith, Chevrolet, Furniture Row/CSX "Play it Safe"

Boy, are you ever at the wrong track.

7. (9) Marcos Ambrose, Ford, Stanley

I keep waiting for somebody to call him Stanley. I figure it'll happen when he's near Danica and they decide they don't need to pay attention to the other drivers.

8. (48) Jimmie Johnson, Chevrolet, Lowe's

NASCAR seems to be withholding judgment on K-naus' penalty till after the 500, probably in hopes that there won't be a repeat of what happened the year they booted him out on his ass.

9. (31) Jeff Burton, Chevrolet, Caterpillar

Oh, there is apparently a chance of weather tomorrow.

As opposed to a chance of a vacuum over the greater Daytona metro, I suppose.

10. (33) Elliott Sadler, Chevrolet, General Mills/Kroger

ELLYUT! MY BOY!

...what? I miss my drivers.

11. (98) Michael McDowell, Ford, K-Love/Curb Records

Maternal unit, at the beginning of the second Twin: "K-Love? What's K-Love?"

Me: "How the heck should I know?"

12. (20) Joey Logano, Toyota, The Home Depot

The Nationwide race apparently caused a massive stampede back to the Stale Roll Haters' Club.

13. (29) Kevin Harvick, Chevrolet, Budweiser

One of the local stations did an interview with Delana on Thursday. Apparently, she isn't allowed to talk to Kevin while he's driving anymore.

14. (18) Kyle Busch, Toyota, M&M's Brown

Why, after 20 years, are we all of a sudden advertising Brown? She hasn't even been a character!

15. (22) A.J. Allmendinger, Dodge, Shell/Pennzoil

Ayjay!

16. (24) Jeff Gordon, Chevrolet, Drive to End Hunger

2/3(RCSOQ)

17. (7) Robby Gordon, Dodge, Mapei/Menards/Speed Energy

The only bets Vegas is taking now are about who'll wreck first: Crash or Danica.

18. (39) Ryan Newman, Chevrolet, U.S. Army/Quicken Loans

1839: Caroline Ingalls--yes, that one--born.

19. (1) Jamie McMurray, Chevrolet, Bass Pro Shops/Tracker Boats

I hope McMerry is spending the evening making drafting plans for when Danica takes out Mantoy and he's left without a drafting partner again, because Thursday was just plain ugly.

(Ellyut. Just saying.)

20. (5) Kasey Kahne, Chevrolet, Farmers Insurance

I gotta say--I love gray and blue as much as the next girl, but that is one butt-ugly car. It looks like they forgot to finish painting it and just left it half primered.

21. (6) Ricky Stenhouse Jr., Ford, Ford EcoBoost

I know nothing about you. You should remedy this immediately.

22. (55) Mark Martin, Toyota, Aaron's Dream Machine

I still don't like you. Mikey commercials or no Mikey commercials.

23. (2) Brad Keselowski, Dodge, Miller Lite

Hm. *shuffles papers* I seem to have nothing on Kezzy. Who forgot to tell him to get me some material?

24. (36) Dave Blaney, Chevrolet, Ollie's Bargain Outlet

You know, if the Cup race goes like the Truck and Nationwide races, Blaney's got a good shot. Just sayin'.

25. (34) David Ragan, Ford, Scorpion Truck Bed Liners

I haven't seen Davey the Goat in a few days. Maybe she went to Daytona.

26. (56) Martin Truex Jr., Toyota, NAPA Auto Parts

The new NAPA Know-How commercial is miraculously more creepy than last year's. Let's bring back Mikey Lee Lewis and Martin's bad lip-syncing.

27. (43) Aric Almirola, Ford, Smithfield "Helping Hungry Homes"

If your house is hungry, please seek professional help. Preferably not from the people who enable Paula Deen's fake accent.

28. (51) Kurt Busch, Chevrolet, HendrickCars.com

My father was all set to pull for Kurt, then he saw that sponsor, and well, that was that.

29. (10) Danica Patrick , Chevrolet, GoDaddy.com

Don't forget: This is the only driver in the field. Not even the Holy Junior is as important as Saint Danica.

30. (15) Clint Bowyer, Toyota, 5-hour Energy

Warning: This sponsor is not to be fed to the team owner under any circumstances.

31. (11) Denny Hamlin, Toyota, FedEx Express

Toyota has apparently given up on the Sponsifier this year in favor of manly-sounding car commercials. Perhaps they should have thought about that before the Damnlin Paisley Photoshopping.

32. (47) Bobby Labonte, Toyota, Kroger

I thought Kroger went bankrupt years ago.

33. (38) David Gilliland, Ford, MHP Power Pak Pudding

I'm not sure I trust pudding that can't spell.

34. (87) Joe Nemechek, Toyota, AMFMEnergy.com/Pellet & Wood Stoves

My mother was wondering why he keeps running two laps and quitting. Then she found out what last place at Daytona makes.

I don't think I'll have to answer that question again until next year.

35. (42) Juan Pablo Montoya, Chevrolet, Target

Mantoy keeps turning into the target, which I don't think is the plan.

36. (13) Casey Mears, Ford, GEICO

On Sunday, Snrch, let's try to not adjust the family jewels while the camera is on you, k? And no, the fact that the camera was actually on Sammie Mae does not make it better.

37. (27) Paul Menard, Chevrolet, Peak/Menards

Someone has stolen Menard's sideburns and left him with a crappy paint job. On the bright side, maybe this year, his spotter will be able to see his car.

38. (93) David Reutimann, Toyota, Burger King
39. (83) Landon Cassill, Toyota, Burger King

Damn. If you two could have reversed that, you both could have had CPMSOQs.

40. (21) Trevor Bayne, Ford, Motorcraft/Quick Lane Tire & Auto Center

If Blaney can't win, I could go for a Trevor repeat. Preferably without the pesky spider bite drama later.

41. (26) Tony Raines, Ford, Front Row Motorsports

I know times are tough, but I don't think they're so tough that we have to accept money from Rick Santorum.

Besides, doesn't he find internal combustion to be some kind of liberal misinterpretation of God's natural law?

42. (30) David Stremme, Toyota, Inception Motorsports

Psst, David! Remember that Kandy doesn't like you.

43. (32) Terry Labonte, Ford, C&J Energy

Thank you, Terry, for taking the champion's provisional away from Noisome Bill.

Did Not Qualify

(09) Kenny Wallace, Toyota, American Ethanol

I was hoping Kenny would make it. He's just so much fun.

(23) Robert Richardson Jr., Toyota, North Texas Pipe

There's something here about Texans not liking pipes, but I can't quite get it stitched together.

(37) Mike Wallace, Ford, Poynt.com

Just as well, considering Misogyny Mike's record. Danica's wrecking well enough on her own.

(40) Michael Waltrip, Toyota, Aaron's Dream Machine

I'm just surprised it took him until the end of Twin #2 to get to the broadcast booth.

(49) J.J. Yeley, Toyota, America Israel Racing

I love Squash, but I'm kinda glad this car didn't make it. I had to put up enough Rapture-related fundraising when I was a kid.

(97) Bill Elliott, Toyota, AMFMEnergy.com/Pellet & Wood Stoves

Finally. We made him go away.
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