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19 November 2011 @ 05:58 pm
Pole Follies: Homestead  
Sorry about the last few weeks, guys. Things got a little crazy. I'll try to make it up to you with a year-end Follies.

1. (99) Carl Edwards, Ford, Aflac

Flipper sale. Cheapest all season.

2. (56) Martin Truex Jr., Toyota, NAPA Auto Parts

I saw my second Truex fan in the wild this week. I think they're multiplying.

3. (4) Kasey Kahne, Toyota, Red Bull

I don't know what happened last week. I fell asleep with a whole bunch of laps to go, and woke up to see Kandy in Victory Lane.

I may have shrieked and hit a cat in my panic to find the remote.

4. (22) Kurt Busch, Dodge, Shell/Pennzoil

Sometimes, I wanna be really mean to Dumbo. Then I remember he's related to Scrubby, and that just seems like punishment enough.

5. (2) Brad Keselowski, Dodge, Miller Lite

For those who haven't heard, Kezzy was given one of those Sooper Sekrit Censorship Fines for not approving of fuel injection. Brian France, in his infinite stupidity, defended this by saying drivers wouldn't be allowed to "denigrate" the sport.

den•i•grate: verb (used with object), -grat•ed, -grat•ing.
1. to speak damagingly of; criticize in a derogatory manner; sully; defame: to denigrate someone's character.
2. to treat or represent as lacking in value or importance; belittle; disparage: to denigrate someone's contributions to a project.
3. to make black; blacken: rain clouds denigrating the sky.

Dear Brian France: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

Now, if Kezzy had called you an asinine blowhard with his head so far up his ass he can lick his own palate, that would have been denigrating.

6. (17) Matt Kenseth, Ford, Crown Royal

Report: Kenseth fined for denigrating the sport by not doing anything worth fining.

7. (24) Jeff Gordon, Chevrolet, Drive to End Hunger

Report: Jeffypoo fined for denigrating the sport by having cuter kids than the Frances.

8. (16) Greg Biffle, Ford, 3M Novec

Novec? Is this new? Biff sometimes does well with new products.

9. (48) Jimmie Johnson, Chevrolet, Lowe's

Report: Johnson fined for denigrating NASCAR for failing to win #6.

10. (11) Denny Hamlin, Toyota, FedEx Express

Report: Damnlin fined for denigrating the sport again by allowing that Godawful Photoshopping in the Sponsifier commercial.

11. (88) Dale Earnhardt Jr., Chevrolet, National Guard/Amp Energy

Report: Junior not fined because Brian France, like the rest of us, is scared shitless of Junior Nation.

12. (43) A.J. Allmendinger, Ford, Best Buy

Report: Ayjay fined for denigrating the sport by stealing camera time from Chasers all season

13. (6) David Ragan, Ford, UPS My Choice

Report: Ragan fined for denigrating the sport by causing massive numbers of goat jokes

14. (39) Ryan Newman, Chevrolet, U.S. Army

Report: Newman fined for denigrating the sport by having no neck.

15. (14) Tony Stewart, Chevrolet, Office Depot/Mobil 1

Stewart said he'd wreck his own mother for the championship.

Andy Lally--who has questionable food tastes and hellacious spelling but is otherwise hilarious--Tweeted: "I'm in agreement with Tony. I would totally wreck his mom to win a Championship."

16. (78) Regan Smith, Chevrolet, Furniture Row Companies

I got nothing on Regan. Can I fine him for being denigrating to Pole Follies?

17. (33) Clint Bowyer, Chevrolet, Cheerios/Hamburger Helper

Report: Bowyer fined for denigrating the sport by reacting poorly to possums.

18. (9) Marcos Ambrose, Ford, Stanley

Report: Marcos fined for denigrating the sport by being a furriner. Of course, that fine was from Jack Roush, not NASCAR.

19. (18) Kyle Busch, Toyota, Interstate Batteries

Report: Scrub fined for denigrating NASCAR by being Scrub.

20. (21) Trevor Bayne, Ford, Motorcraft/Quick Lane Tire & Auto Center

Report: Trevor fined for denigrating NASCAR by stealing Daytona from Approved Names.

21. (29) Kevin Harvick, Chevrolet, Budweiser

Oh, come on, guys. Like I've never taken a bad joke and run like hell with it.

22. (51) Landon Cassill, Chevrolet, Thank A Teacher Today/Security Benefit

Report: Lando fined for denigrating NASCAR by failing to thank that damned teacher already.

23. (27) Paul Menard, Chevrolet, Duracell/Menards

Report: Menard fined for denigrating NASCAR with failure to maintain appropriate sideburns.

24. (83) Brian Vickers, Toyota, Red Bull

Ah, yes, the "problem" of Vickers. Why wasn't he parked last week?

Well, first off, he didn't hit anybody under caution, which has always been a big giant no-no.

As for Martinsville, I was asleep through half the race, so I can't say all those cautions he was in were unintentional, but I don't recall anybody ever being parked for being unlucky. Seriously, they let Smash and Crash run whole seasons.

25. (5) Mark Martin, Chevrolet, GoDaddy.com

I stand by my assertion that this commercial about having the banquet etc. in Vegas would be much better if, instead of a tire, a curled-up driver fell onto the baggage carousel. The Cryptkeeper would be perfect for this--he's already hopelessly wrinkled.

26. (1) Jamie McMurray, Chevrolet, Bass Pro Shops/Tracker
27. (42) Juan Pablo Montoya, Chevrolet, Target

Well, at least this week their teamwork isn't wrecking each other.


28. (00) David Reutimann, Toyota, Aaron's Dream Machine

The Dreamstage has been giving me all kinds of twisted dreams this week. So nice to be back to normal.

29. (84) Cole Whitt, Toyota, Kangaroo Express

I'm not sure I know who you are, and I'm not sure I give a Whitt.

30. (55) J.J. Yeley, Ford, Ingersoll Rand

Damn. I can't even think of a faux reason why Squash would be fined.

31. (31) Jeff Burton, Chevrolet, Caterpillar

RCSOQ for Jeffybuhton!

32. (20) Joey Logano, Toyota, The Home Depot

Report: Logano fined for denigrating the sport by stealing Mr. Ed's teeth.

33. (66) Michael McDowell, Toyota, HP Racing LLC

McDowell gets the JPMSOQ.

34. (35) Dave Blaney, Chevrolet, Big Red

Report: Blaney fined for denigrating the sport by having me as a fan.

35. (47) Bobby Labonte, Toyota, Reese Towpower

Towpower? That looks like a leftover character name from Harry Potter.

36. (30) David Stremme, Chevrolet, Inception Motorsports

Okay, okay, no more "dweam wiffin a dweam" jokes. This year.

37. (87) Joe Nemechek, Toyota, AMFMEnergy.com/Pellet & Wood Stoves

Report: Nemechek fined for denigrating the sport by still using the name "Front Roe Joe."

38. (34) David Gilliland, Ford, Front Row Motorsports

Rule #34 strikes again.

39. (13) Casey Mears, Toyota, Hard Rock Vodka

Um, Snrch, I don't mean to criticize, but you don't have the best luck with the likker sponsors, you know.

40. (38) Travis Kvapil, Ford, Long John Silver's

Arrrr, it be the Dread Pyrate Waffle, back from hiatus.

41. (32) T.J. Bell, Ford, Green Smoke

Smoke's only gonna be green if Flipper bests him in the championship.

42. (36) Geoffrey Bodine, Chevrolet, Luke & Associates

Report: Billiard Ball the Elder fined for denigrating the sport by reminding us that Bodines exist.

43. (71) Mike Bliss, Ford, School Media

Report: Bliss fined for denigrating the sport by making field Blissful.

Did Not Qualify

(7) Reed Sorenson, Dodge, Speed Energy/Mapei

Hm. I'm not sure whether to end the year with a Crash joke or a Reed nonexistence joke.

(37) Mike Skinner, Ford, Koma Unwind

Oh, like Spinner ever unwinds.

(46) Scott Speed, Ford, Green Stuff Absorbent

Speed is just not living up to his name. Is that denigrating or just embarrassing?

(92) Scott Riggs, Chevrolet, BBI Waste Industries/Melling Engine Parts

Yes, because I want to see those two sponsors combine.

(93) Grant Enfinger, Chevrolet, Hewes Concrete Polishing

Who? And why the hell would you polish concrete?
listening to: NW Race
maveness on November 20th, 2011 12:03 am (UTC)
My favorite tweet from last week's race involved one of the many Geoff Bodine cautions:

"Geoff Bodine? Holy crap, what did PIR FIND WHEN THEY DUG THE TRACK UP! PUT IT BACK!"
deifire on November 20th, 2011 12:33 am (UTC)
LOL! I forgot who tweeted that, but that was hilarious!