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23 October 2011 @ 12:31 am
Pole Follies: Talladega  

1. (5) Mark Martin, Chevrolet, GoDaddy.com

The only driver who doesn't need a mask to go trick-or-treating.

2. (48) Jimmie Johnson, Chevrolet, MyLowe's

And for those wondering, Your Intrepid Pole Follies Reporter had an absolutely splendiferous weekend last weekend, what with a magnificent Warrant show and a bee-yoo-tee-ful end to Charlotte. Although I think I may have scared tenel a bit.

3. (33) Clint Bowyer, Chevrolet, Chevy 100 Years

Triple Threat for Clint.

4. (21) Trevor Bayne, Ford, Motorcraft/Quick Lane Tire & Auto Center

It would be funny if he won the last plate race of the year, to go with the first one.

Well, I would be amused.

5. (24) Jeff Gordon, Chevrolet, Drive to End Hunger

Dear Bad Luck Cloud: I said FORTY-EIGHT, not TWENTY-FOUR.

6. (88) Dale Earnhardt Jr., Chevrolet, Diet Mountain Dew "Paint the 88"/National Guard

Paint the 88? Have you seen the Dega Junior Nation? They're so drunk they'll end up accidentally painting the Marines.

7. (27) Paul Menard, Chevrolet, Serta/Menards

We needed those mattresses last week, Sideburns.

8. (6) David Ragan, Ford, UPS My Choice

Well, UPS would be my choice, considering how bloody stupid my USPS-person is.

9. (99) Carl Edwards, Ford, Subway

Another Triple Threat for Flipper.

10. (39) Ryan Newman, Chevrolet, U.S. Army

I got nothing.

11. (17) Matt Kenseth, Ford, Jeremiah Weed Southern Style

Yes, because when I think "southern style," I think "Kenseth."

12. (14) Tony Stewart, Chevrolet, El Monterey/Office Depot

Is this related to the Tornados sponsorship on Newman's car, or is this a specific Office Depot store we're pimping?

13. (29) Kevin Harvick, Chevrolet, Jimmy John's Gourmet Sandwiches

Yes, for when I think "gourmet," I think "Talladega."

14. (22) Kurt Busch, Dodge, Shell/Pennzoil

If things hold as usual, I believe Dumbo is due for bad luck this week, as Jimmie usually takes out bad luck on him.

15. (42) Juan Pablo Montoya, Chevrolet, Energizer

1542: Nothing interesting happened.

16. (2) Brad Keselowski, Dodge, Miller Lite

Kezzy hasn't been heard from much lately. I suppose it's about time for him to break the other ankle.

17. (38) Travis Kvapil, Ford, Long John Silver's

1738: The cuckoo clock was invented.

18. (16) Greg Biffle, Ford, 3M/O'Reilly Auto Parts

1816: The stethoscope was invented. Somehow I thought it was older than that.

19. (9) Marcos Ambrose, Ford, Stanley

And I got nothing on Marcos. I'd blame the end of the season, but some of these guys haven't given me material all year.

20. (97) Kevin Conway, Toyota, Extenze

Extenze, now, there's a product the Dega crowd can appreciate. They have to counter all that booze somehow.

21. (47) Bobby Labonte, Toyota, Scott Products

2147: Nothing anticipated.

22. (78) Regan Smith, Chevrolet, Furniture Row Companies

I saw Regan on a billboard on my way home. If the traffic hadn't been so bad, I might have actually relaxed.

23. (15) Michael Waltrip, Toyota, Aaron's Dream Machine/Darrell Waltrip NASCAR Hall of Fame

Mikey's windshields got confiscated this week. Exactly how the fuck do you screw up a windshield? Don't they pretty much come standard?

24. (43) A.J. Allmendinger, Ford, Best Buy

Close, but no CMPSOQ.

25. (31) Jeff Burton, Chevrolet, Caterpillar

Somebody please come take the Caterpillars away. They're keeping me awake.

26. (4) Kasey Kahne, Toyota, Red Bull

This week's new ESPN commercial features Jimmie, his teddy bear, and Kandy locked into a PortaPotty.

27. (87) Joe Nemechek, Toyota, AMFMEnergy.com/Pellet & Wood Stoves

I hear that it's chilly in Dega this week, so give it to Joe for having appropriate sponsors.

28. (55) J.J. Yeley, Ford, Front Row Motorsports

Teh Squash is sidelined by Rule #34 again.

29. (66) Michael McDowell, Toyota, HP Racing LLC

Boring Tweets.

31. (11) Denny Hamlin, Toyota, FedEx Office

Where has Damnlin been lately? Did FedEx accidentally ship him to Siberia?

32. (32) Terry Labonte, Ford, C&J Energy

RCSOQ for the Random Former Champion!

33. (71) Andy Lally, Ford, TRG Motorsports

He Tweets a lot.

34. (18) Kyle Busch, Toyota, M&M's Halloween

The Black M apparently doesn't like Scrubby. He keeps wrecking him.

35. (20) Joey Logano, Toyota, The Home Depot

*consults notes* Nope, nothing except my usual disdain.

36. (00) David Reutimann, Toyota, Aaron's Dream Machine

Whatever you did, Dave, I muchly appreciate it. The Dreamstage is almost back to normal.

Granted, my normal is somewhat weird, but it works for me.

37. (56) Martin Truex Jr., Toyota, NAPA Auto Parts

I noticed they were replaying the pie commercials last week. Are they in cahoots with Supernatural? Because lately Dean has been eating more pie.

38. (51) Landon Cassill, Chevrolet, Phoenix Construction/Thank A Teacher Today Security Benefit

Someday, he will manage to find that teacher and thank her and then get a new sponsor.

39. (1) Jamie McMurray, Chevrolet, Bass Pro Shops/Tracker

Jamie. Hon. You cannot find Ellyut this way. He's not in the field.

40. (34) David Gilliland, Ford, World Hunger Relief/www.FromHungerToHope.com

Hunger must be winning some serious battles. Now we have two cars fighting it.

41. (36) Dave Blaney, Chevrolet, Golden Corral
42. (13) Casey Mears, Toyota, GEICO

Sigh.

43. (7) Robby Gordon, Dodge, Speed Energy/Mapei/Menards

You know, if Crash hooked up with Sir_NASCARnage, there would be Da Big One to top all Big Ones.

Let's hope it doesn't occur to him.

Did Not Qualify

(35) Geoffrey Bodine, Chevrolet, Luke & Associates

Not to be confused with Matthew & Associates, Mark & Associates, or John & Associates.

(37) Josh Wise, Ford, Bradley University

Yes, because the place to advertise any form of higher education is frickin' Dega.

(46) Scott Speed, Ford, Red Line Oil

Vroom.

Nope. Don't have anything else.

(77) T.J. Bell, Ford, TRG Motorsports

If I had info on this guy, I forgot it.
Tags: ,
 
 
I am: awakeawake
listening to: The House Next Door
 
 
 
deifire on October 23rd, 2011 04:09 pm (UTC)
Yes, because when I think "southern style," I think "Kenseth."

Yep. I also automatically think "free tattoos" when I think Kenseth: http://www.mattkenseth.com/phpBB3/viewtopic.php?p=442404#p442404

I've gotta wonder how many takers they got.

westheadcu on November 2nd, 2011 10:58 am (UTC)
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