1. (16) Greg Biffle, Ford, Sherwin-Williams
Is this the special paint that holds his car together so he can win? 'Cause we liked that paint.
2. (99) Carl Edwards, Ford, Aflac
Flipper is annoying me lately, but I can't figure out why.
3. (18) Kyle Busch, Toyota, M&M's
I know why he annoys me.
4. (17) Matt Kenseth, Ford, Crown Royal
One month as a Kenseth fan. I don't know about his racing, but his Twitter has gotten much more amusing.
5. (4) Kasey Kahne, Toyota, Red Bull
You're not old enough for a RCSOQ.
6. (27) Paul Menard, Chevrolet, Schrock Cabinetry/Menards
The sideburns have been looking dull lately.
7. (11) Denny Hamlin, Toyota, FedEx Freight
*insert gratuitous convenience store joke here*
8. (56) Martin Truex Jr., Toyota, NAPA Auto Parts
I saw an actual Truex fan in the wild this week. Trufax.
9. (5) Mark Martin, Chevrolet, Carquest/GoDaddy.com
Close but no JPMSOQ. Maybe you should see your doctor about that. They've got a lot of geriatric specialists in Charlotte.
10. (24) Jeff Gordon, Chevrolet, DuPont
Apparently Ella calls Leo "Little Papa." This will come up in 20 years when she's in therapy.
11. (39) Ryan Newman, Chevrolet, Haas Automation
I wonder what the entry fee for the Newman fishing tournament is....
12. (2) Brad Keselowski, Dodge, Miller Lite
I got nothing on Kezzy. I just can't seem to care.
13. (6) David Ragan, Ford, UPS "We Love Logistics"
Poor Ragan has been told to go ride-shopping by the Cat in the Hat, so I guess him adopting the stray goat living in my yard is out of the question.
14. (29) Kevin Harvick, Chevrolet, Budweiser
Since I've already used up all of my Joan of Arc factoids on previous qualifying runs, I'm just going to say that Delana's Twitter is way more amusing than Harvick's.
15. (83) Brian Vickers, Toyota, Red Bull
01/18/1583: Some guy attacks Antwerp. What Wiki leaves out is the reason why he attacked Antwerp. I mean, surely it wasn't just because it was Antwerp, right?
16. (78) Regan Smith, Chevrolet, Furniture Row/Farm American
Well, duh. Do you know what the commute is like from Kansas to Zimbabwe?
17. (22) Kurt Busch, Dodge, Shell/Pennzoil
18. (88) Dale Earnhardt Jr., Chevrolet, National Guard/Amp Energy
19. (48) Jimmie Johnson, Chevrolet, Lowe's
I'm not pulling for him in any way, shape or form, due to threats by Junior Nation, but damn, even Junior doesn't deserve getting caught between these two and their hate/hate relationship.
20. (20) Joey Logano, Toyota, The Home Depot
I can't give him the RCSOQ. He'll chomp it in half with Mr. Ed's teeth.
21. (9) Marcos Ambrose, Ford, Dewalt
Marcos, hon, you are giving me nothing to work with.
Okay, so I could have been awake during more of the races, but still, somehow, this is your fault.
22. (43) A.J. Allmendinger, Ford, Best Buy
If they sold Ayjays at Best Buy, I'd go there more often.
23. (14) Tony Stewart, Chevrolet, Office Depot/Mobil 1
Bluto is running a "We Fix Computers" scheme.
What they don't tell you is that all they do is clear out your cache, empty your recycle bin and run your antivirus.
24. (33) Clint Bowyer, Chevrolet, Cheerios/Hamburger Helper
So Bowyer is moving to MWR with 5-Hour Energy as a sponsor.
I don't know whether to go with a "Guess they got tired of Steven Wallace running them into the wall" joke or a "holy flying FUCK I do NOT want to see the commercial where Mikey takes the sponsor product" joke.
25. (46) Scott Speed, Ford, www. ordergreenstuff.com
Knowing Speed, that's not legal green stuff. Shouldn't new daddies be avoiding that kind of thing?
26. (98) Austin Dillon, Chevrolet, President Ronald Reagan Centennial/Camping World
Why is it there are never, I dunno, Martin Van Buren cars? Franklin Pierce? Grover Cleveland?
Wait, the Grover Cleveland car would have to be cut in half. Might make it difficult.
27. (00) David Reutimann, Toyota, Aaron's Dream Machine
Dear Davey: Thank you so much for returning my original dream machine. Thanks to you, I had a dream the other night that combined elements of Terra Nova, The Powerpuff Girls, Babylon 5, a random book I read once about 1800s riverboats, professional and semi-professional bass fishing, a couple hundred bad Syfy movies, and things which I wouldn't watch if I knew how to find them.
It was kinda nice, actually. Although I'm still confused on why the moon was bombing us with balloons full of fireworks and confetti.
28. (55) J.J. Yeley, Ford, Front Row Motorsports
I think this is the closest anybody at Front Row has ever come to breaking Rule 34.
29. (1) Jamie McMurray, Chevrolet, Bass Pro Shops/Arctic Cat
Is Arctic Cat an angel of Ceiling Cat, or a minion of Basement Cat? Is there a Tundra Cat? A Jungle Cat? A Temperate Coastal Forest Cat?
30. (34) David Gilliland, Ford, A&W All American Food
What exactly is all-American food? We're talking about a country that invented hamburgers, hot dogs, General Tso's chicken and where, once upon a time, servants negotiated contracts where they couldn't be fed lobster more than twice a week.
31. (31) Jeff Burton, Chevrolet, Caterpillar
You, I can give an RCSOQ to with no problems.
32. (30) David Stremme, Chevrolet, Inception Motorsports
Considering the 20th-anniversary cast reunion of The Princess Bride this week, this would be an excellent time for my "dweam wiffin a dweam" joke.
But none of you seem to appreciate it, so nyah.
33. (47) Bobby Labonte, Toyota, Bush's Best Baked Beans/Kingsford
Baked beans. Also fairly American.
34. (42) Juan Pablo Montoya, Chevrolet, Target
Close but no CMPSOQ.
35. (71) Andy Lally, Ford, Interstate Moving Services
I'm still waiting for you to move this interstate, dude.
36. (38) Travis Kvapil, Ford, Long John Silver's
Arrr, mateys, let's be hopin' that the Dread Pyrate Waffle doesn't hit so much this week. Arrr.
37. (13) Casey Mears, Toyota, GEICO
38. (36) Dave Blaney, Chevrolet, Big Red
Very light salmon and light grape. Sounds like a very bad diet salad, guys.
39. (7) Reed Sorenson, Dodge, Speed Energy/Mapei/Menards
Okay, I don't know what the hell they're smoking at Turner Motorsports over in the Nationwide series, but when you're running out of sponsor money, you do not toss out the driver that's third in points. I love Vickers as much as the next girl, but damn.
I know I joke about poor Reed not existing, but this is beyond much.
40. (66) Michael McDowell, Toyota, Victory Junction
Wait. Where did my EIEIO joke go? I rely on these things, McDowell!
41. (51) Landon Cassill, Chevrolet, Thank A Teacher Today/Security Benefit
Great. The one car I've run out of jokes on.
42. (32) Mike Bliss, Ford, Street King
The field is Blissful. I am not.
43. (87) Joe Nemechek, Toyota, AMFMEnergy.com/Pellet & Wood Stoves
Well, at least we can keep warm in case of blizzard.
Did not qualify
(37) Josh Wise, Ford, Bradley University
Hey, I thought you university types didn't like admitting that NASCAR peoples have brains.
(60) Mike Skinner, Toyota, Big Red
You are not doing too well qualifying lately, Spinner.
(95) David Starr, Ford, AdvoCare
I do not advocate this care.
Okay, so I don't know what the hell it is. Apparently I should've eaten breakfast or something.