1. (00) David Reutimann, Toyota, Aaron's Dream Machine
Sale! Everything Reut must go!
2. (1) Jamie McMurray, Chevrolet, Bass Pro Shops/Tracker
I got nothing on McMerry. Except my perpetual need for more tackleboxes.
3. (48) Jimmie Johnson, Chevrolet, Lowe's/Power of Pride
I see somebody got pissed off about last week's qualifying.
4. (5) Mark Martin, Chevrolet, Quaker State/GoDaddy.com
Yeah, yeah, whatever.
5. (33) Clint Bowyer, Chevrolet, Cheerios/Hamburger Helper
6. (31) Jeff Burton, Chevrolet, Caterpillar
7. (29) Kevin Harvick, Chevrolet, Budweiser
I'm noticing a theme here.
8. (99) Carl Edwards, Ford, Kellogg's/Cheez-it
Considering the way those teeth blind in the light, do we really want to be saying "cheese" near Flipper?
9. (43) A.J. Allmendinger, Ford, Best Buy
I anticipate that next year Brian France will have us voting people into the Chase. I vote for Ayjay.
10. (42) Juan Pablo Montoya, Chevrolet, Target
Target's right, if Clint Bowyer sees you.
11. (22) Kurt Busch, Dodge, Shell/Pennzoil
12. (4) Kasey Kahne, Toyota, Red Bull
13. (18) Kyle Busch, Toyota, M&M's
Come on. Not even Kandy deserves that.
14. (16) Greg Biffle, Ford, 3M "Honoring Our Heroes"
You'd think the Red Cross would've wanted this weekend.
15. (27) Paul Menard, Chevrolet, Moen/Menards
1527: Paracelsus, not having access to the Sideburns, was forced to burn books rather than shredding them.
16. (20) Joey Logano, Toyota, The Home Depot
1620: The first merry-go-round spotted at a fair. No word on whether Scrub called Stale Roll 30 times the night before.
17. (24) Jeff Gordon, Chevrolet, Drive to End Hunger
1724: Nothing really interested happened, unless you were a dude named "Blueskin." He got hanged.
18. (39) Ryan Newman, Chevrolet, U.S. Army-9/11
1839: Mississippi, of all the places, is the first state to pass a law allowing women to own property.
19. (2) Brad Keselowski, Dodge, Miller Lite
I got nothing on Kezzy, other than I now know what an avulsion fracture is.
20. (51) Landon Cassill, Chevrolet, Thank A Teacher Today/Security Benefit
Somewhere, there's a teacher who had Lando in a class, and every time she sees him, she screams something incoherent about how he was such a brat he should be sharing his winnings if he wants to thank her.
21. (6) David Ragan, Ford, UPS "We Love Logistics"
There was a goat in my yard last week.
No shit. A completely random goat. No idea where it came from.
22. (14) Tony Stewart, Chevrolet, Office Depot/Mobil 1
This has not been a typical summer for his Blutoness.
23. (78) Regan Smith, Chevrolet, Furniture Row Companies
Apropos of nothing, why the hell are we suddenly being subjected to Pepto-Bismol-pink pace cars? I thought National Hypocrisy About Female Organs Month was October.
24. (83) Brian Vickers, Toyota, Red Bull
25. (17) Matt Kenseth, Ford, Ollie's Bargain Outlet
Who is Ollie and how did he manage to swing a Roush sponsorship, even for just one race?
26. (30) David Stremme, Chevrolet, Inception Motorsports
I gotta see that movie.
27. (88) Dale Earnhardt Jr., Chevrolet, Amp Energy/National Guard
*checks "wailing and gnashing of teeth" off list*
28. (11) Denny Hamlin, Toyota, FedEx Express
*consults notes* Yeah, I'm still pissed at FedEx. Of course, I always am.
29. (56) Martin Truex Jr., Toyota, NAPA Brakes
Just the brakes, ma'am. Nothing else in the store.
30. (13) Casey Mears, Toyota, GEICO
One spot away from a CMPSOQ.
31. (66) Michael McDowell, Toyota, HP Racing LLC
32. (47) Bobby Labonte, Toyota, Scott Products
Isn't that--oh, wait, that's Scott's. Sorry, thought you borrowed one of Flipper's sponsors there for a minute.
33. (35) Dave Blaney, Chevrolet, Pepsi Max
I'll be wearing my Blaney shirt.
What? It seemed kinda tacky to wear the Nadeau shirt to the track where he got hurt.
34. (9) Marcos Ambrose, Ford, Stanley
I got nothing on Marcos, except that he was way more amusing and coherent during the rain delay than the ESPN peoples.
35. (38) Travis Kvapil, Ford, Long John Silver's
36. (34) David Gilliland, Ford, "Honoring Our Heroes"
Oh good. I was afraid everybody was going to pick this weekend to make fun of heroics.
37. (7) Robby Gordon, Dodge, Speed Energy
You know, Crash, that sponsor is becoming increasingly ironic.
38. (71) Andy Lally, Ford, Interstate Moving Services
How much to move my interstate? Or at least my mailboxes?
39. (87) Joe Nemechek, Toyota, NEMCO Motorsports
As usual, this isn't the front row, Joe.
40. (36) Stephen Leicht, Chevrolet, Golden Corral
Wait. Why are you in Blaney's car? Whose car is Blaney in?
41. (46) Scott Speed, Ford, Green Stuff Absorbent
Did we leave a word off our sponsor?
42. (55) J.J. Yeley, Ford, Front Row Motorsports
Boy, Rule #34 kicked Squash's ass.
43. (32) Mike Bliss, Ford, Safe Skies TSA Luggage Locks
The field is Blissful. Which is more than we can usually say for the TSA.
Did not qualify
(60) Mike Skinner, Toyota, Big Red
Oh noes. Now where will K-naus get his racetime gum?
(37) Erik Darnell, Ford, Max Q Motorsports
Do I know you?
(50) T.J. Bell, Chevrolet, Green Smoke
Smoke isn't over that virus yet?