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27 August 2011 @ 04:24 pm
Pole Follies: Bristol  

1. (39) Ryan Newman, Chevrolet, Bass Pro Shops/Realtree Outfitters

No, you cannot haz pole. I don't have a handy factoid.

2. (99) Carl Edwards, Ford, Aflac Dental

Just think: Some of us knew Flipper needed a tooth-related sponsorship as soon as he showed up.

3. (17) Matt Kenseth, Ford, Crown Royal

All hail the Evil One.

4. (24) Jeff Gordon, Chevrolet, Drive to End Hunger

I don't know how it's working for the seniors, but it's sure as hell worked on me. I haven't been hungry for the better part of two weeks.

5. (5) Mark Martin, Chevrolet, Farmers Insurance/GoDaddy.com

Two weeks in a row? Is this really necessary?

6. (1) Jamie McMurray, Chevrolet, Bass Pro Shops/Realtree Outfitters

Okay, guys, three Bass Pro Shops cars? Is there a sale I need to know about?

7. (27) Paul Menard, Chevrolet, Sylvania/Menards

I don't think all the light bulbs in the world are going to light that boy up.

8. (2) Brad Keselowski, Dodge, Miller Lite

It suddenly occurs to me that the reason he's been doing so well since he broke his ankle is that he hasn't been taking painkillers. Doing well means he gets to apply sponsor product to numb the pain.

9. (20) Joey Logano, Toyota, The Home Depot

Last night, the Nationwide announcers were all over themselves with how he "deserves" a win at Bristol. You don't deserve a win anywhere, you dumb fucks.

(I know, I'm not my usual eloquent self. It all got used up cussing out the idiots who think it's weird to have an earthquake on a fault line and a hurricane during hurricane season.)

10. (22) Kurt Busch, Dodge, Shell/Pennzoil

Apparently Dumbo's song for the intros is "Baby Got Back." I...I just don't wanna know.

11. (9) Marcos Ambrose, Ford, Stanley

We need more road courses. And not just because Marcos does so well at them.

12. (78) Regan Smith, Chevrolet, Furniture Row/Farm American

Because farming in Antigua is hard during hurricane season.

13. (48) Jimmie Johnson, Chevrolet, Lowe's/Kobalt Tools

I'm all for Jimson carrying MiniChad out during intros. But not if it's gonna bring him luck.

14. (16) Greg Biffle, Ford, 3M

Oh, good. If he'd had another "Pure Michigan" car, I'd be worried that he'd fall asleep before he made it to the pace laps.

15. (29) Kevin Harvick, Chevrolet, Realtree/Bad Boy Buggies

The efficacy of the term "Bad Boy" is completely negated by the word "buggies." Just sayin'.

16. (33) Clint Bowyer, Chevrolet, Hamburger Helper

Nah, that would require me to cook, and my mother just cleaned the kitchen.

17. (34) David Gilliland, Ford, Thanks Bristol Fans

Why? What did we do?

18. (43) A.J. Allmendinger, Ford, Best Buy

1843: A Christmas Carol is first published.

19. (42) Juan Pablo Montoya, Chevrolet, Target

1942: Pretty much World War II. Not much else.

20. (11) Denny Hamlin, Toyota, FedEx Express

Aw. He knows what year it is. For Damnlin, this is an accomplishment.

21. (31) Jeff Burton, Chevrolet, Caterpillar

2031, hon. 2031. Humor the Warrant fan.

22. (88) Dale Earnhardt Jr., Chevrolet, Amp Energy/Bristol 50th Anniversary/National Guard

That's gonna be a fun firesuit to read.

23. (18) Kyle Busch, Toyota, Wrigley's Doublemint

Wrigley's is about all he can buy now that his driver's license has been suspended.

24. (6) David Ragan, Ford, UPS "We Love Logistics"

Incidentally, UPS has gotten back on my good side. They managed to find my house in the middle of all this construction, which is more than I can say for FedEx or the US Postal Service.

25. (4) Kasey Kahne, Toyota, Red Bull
26. (83) Brian Vickers, Toyota, Red Bull

Excellent teamwork. Now dump his scrawny ass, Squish.

27. (56) Martin Truex Jr., Toyota, NAPA Auto Parts

I'm pretty sure I had something on Truex. I'm also pretty sure it decided to leave the building.

28. (87) Joe Nemechek, Toyota, AMFMEnergy.com/Pellet & Wood Stoves

I don't think anybody's gonna be buying those stoves in August, Joe.

29. (13) Casey Mears, Toyota, GEICO

Snrch! \o/

30. (47) Bobby Labonte, Toyota, Bush's Baked Beans

Yeah, my notes are failing me on Bobby. Perhaps it's because his brother's in the race.

31. (30) David Stremme, Chevrolet, EchoStar Technologies/Inception Motorsports

What, you got tired of my Princess Bride jokes?

32. (66) Michael McDowell, Toyota, HP Racing LLC


33. (38) Travis Kvapil, Ford, Long John Silver's

Today in theaters: The Return of the Dread Pyrate Waffle!

34. (00) David Reutimann, Toyota, Aaron's Freedom Ride Dream Machine

Freedom Ride Dream Machine? Have you been taking lessons from American Red Eagle Patriotic Flag Star Stripe Gun Apple Pie Sparkler Motor Oil again?

35. (36) Dave Blaney, Chevrolet, Golden Corral

Damn, Dave. You got the real sponsor back!

Now I almost wish I'd gone to breakfast with the rest of the church last week.

36. (46) Scott Speed, Ford, RetakeOurGov.com

I bet the Tea Party loves being represented by a driver known for nail polish and blue hair.

37. (95) David Starr, Ford, AdvoCare

We've reached critical mass. There are more dietary supplement companies sponsoring cars than car part companies.

38. (71) Andy Lally, Ford, Interstate Moving Services

I'm still waiting on you guys to come move this interstate out of my yard.

39. (7) Robby Gordon, Dodge, Speed Energy

Crash refuses to give up the #7 for Danica. I might have to actually respect him now.

I feel so dirty.

40. (51) Mike Bliss, Chevrolet, Phoenix Construction/Thank A Teacher Today-Security Benefit

The field is Blissful. The teachers, however, are ready to smack somebody upside the head with a ruler.

41. (32) Terry Labonte, Ford, C&J Energy

Okay, I keep reading that as "C.J.," which is unfortunate, given that one of my music purchases this week was a side project of C.J. Snare of FireHouse....

Hey. You. The one that's giggling. DO NOT make fun of my taste in music.

42. (14) Tony Stewart, Chevrolet, Bass Pro Shops/Office Depot

What, Smoke, you actually were green this week?

43. (60) Mike Skinner, Toyota, Big Red

Spinner and Stewart. This sounds like a horror movie.

Did Not Qualify

(37) Jeff Green, Ford, Koma Unwind

It's probably just as well, Greenjeans, because if I saw a sponsor called "Koma Kocktails" on an actual car, I'd have to have a full-on spelling geek fit, and that would just be ugly.

(50) T.J. Bell, Chevrolet, Green Smoke

Well, the way he drove....

What? @nascarcasm said it too!

(55) J.J. Yeley, Ford, Front Row Motorsports

No! Not Teh Squash!
Tags: ,
I am: accomplishedaccomplished
listening to: Rubicon Cross - Next Worst Enemy
maveness on August 27th, 2011 08:47 pm (UTC)
The day I root for Jimmie is the day Hamlin and Logano are in front of him and miniChad is in the passenger seat. (I admit to wanting to see Jimmie high fiving mini Chad in the car upon winning.)