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20 August 2011 @ 08:41 am
Pole Follies: Michigan  
Apologies for the lack of Follies last week. I was blindsided by some bad news.

1. (16) Greg Biffle, Ford, Pure Michigan

Okay, Biff, lemme 'splain. When I say I want you to do something, I do not mean "throw an entire season's worth of antics at me in one race." This may strike you as unbearably petty, but I only have so much space.

But I think you could take him. Just watch out for The Hair.

2. (17) Matt Kenseth, Ford, Kroger

I have resolved to pay more attention to Twitter this week, since I can now run it, on this computer at least. I have discovered that The Evil One is delightfully sarcastic.

3. (39) Ryan Newman, Chevrolet, Wix Filters

Newman, on the other hand, is dreadfully pedestrian.

4. (11) Denny Hamlin, Toyota, FedEx Freight

When it absolutely, positively, must get nowhere fast.

5. (5) Mark Martin, Chevrolet, Carquest/GoDaddy.com

If I give you the RCSOQ, will you finally go the fuck away?

6. (2) Brad Keselowski, Dodge, Miller Lite

Kezzy is single-handedly responsible for a massive increase in the number of drivers trying stupid stunts to see if they can break bones.

7. (6) David Ragan, Ford, UPS "We Love Logistics"

Everybody is just missing the RCSOQ this week. Weird.

8. (88) Dale Earnhardt Jr., Chevrolet, National Guard/Amp Energy

Triple Threat for Junior, which probably means he'll blow up on the first lap.

Hey, just because I'm not part of Junior Nation doesn't mean I can't be cynical with the best of them.

9. (24) Jeff Gordon, Chevrolet, DuPont

Okay, there's three Hendrick cars in the top 10, and one is not Johnson. They must have sent his Qualifying Memo FedEx.

10. (1) Jamie McMurray, Chevrolet, Bass Pro Shops/Tracker

One more spot would've killed you?

11. (27) Paul Menard, Chevrolet, Duracell/Menards

I'm afraid the first half of that sponsor means that I can't even pretend to pull for you this week.

12. (00) David Reutimann, Toyota, Aaron's Dream Machine

Leave it to the #00 to figure out how to flip at a road course.

Also: Ouch.

13. (22) Kurt Busch, Dodge, Shell/Pennzoil

The sad part about the Biffle/Boris spat? It completely killed our chances of seeing Jimmie and Dumbo slap ineffectually at each other again.

14. (4) Kasey Kahne, Toyota, Red Bull

Warrant's new CD (Rockaholic, which you really should buy immediately) has a song on it called "Candy Man." I can't listen to the damn thing without bursting into giggles.

Of course, they're not all Kandy Kahne giggles. Some of them are related to this:

15. (56) Martin Truex Jr., Toyota, NAPA Auto Parts

Truex is getting a pediatric center named after him. Because what sick kids need is the NAPA Know-How Jingle set on repeat.

16. (9) Marcos Ambrose, Ford, Stanley

Even my mother, upon finding out that Marcos won, said "Finally!"

17. (18) Kyle Busch, Toyota, Interstate Batteries

It pains me to say this, but the new Scrubby commercial where he calls Joey Logano in the middle of the night is actually amusing.

18. (14) Tony Stewart, Chevrolet, Mobil 1/Office Depot

There's a lovely interview snippet on Jayski where Tony refuses to talk about Danica. Basically, it's like this:

Reporter: *asks Danica-related question*
Tony: Not saying anything.
Reporter: *asks Danica-related question*
Tony: Didn't you just hear me?
Reporter: *asks Danica-related question*
Tony: Are you fucking stupid?
Reporter: *asks Danica-related question*
Tony: *facepalm*

19. (48) Jimmie Johnson, Chevrolet, Lowe's

I am ashamed to admit that Jimmie Johnson's twitter (JimmieJohnson) is actually quite funny.

Also, there's this thing called the adventures of mini-Chad, which is apparently a cardboard cut-out of K-naus that goes everywhere, possibly sacrificing cardboard virgins.

20. (21) Trevor Bayne, Ford, JDRF/Motorcraft/Quick Lane Tire & Auto Center

Since I have nothing of quality on Trevor, I shall simply share the news that The Pits comic is back!

21. (13) Casey Mears, Toyota, GEICO


22. (99) Carl Edwards, Ford, Aflac

The Flipper Missus must have driven Flipper Mommy out of the house, because Flipper left Missouri without his passport.

Did we mention that he was planning on driving Montreal? He had to sweet-talk some poor schmuck into driving his passport to Michigan.

I hope he at least paid for the gas.

23. (20) Joey Logano, Toyota, The Home Depot

I know that "on-call" drivers are supposed to have sponsorshit all over them at all times, but are we supposed to believe that Mr. Ed sleeps in his firesuit? They couldn't find a pair of Home Depot pajamas to put him in for one commercial?

24. (29) Kevin Harvick, Chevrolet, Jimmy John's Gourmet Sandwiches

And we thought Tony spent too much time with the Harvicks before.

25. (42) Juan Pablo Montoya, Chevrolet, Target

Juan Paolo's front tire changer got caught in a drug bust this week. That probably explains some of the pit problems this year....

26. (83) Brian Vickers, Toyota, Red Bull

I have nothing on Teh Squish, and that disturbs me.

27. (38) Travis Kvapil, Ford, Long John Silver's

The Dread Pyrate Waffle has returned!

28. (47) Bobby Labonte, Toyota, Kingsford/Bush's Beans

That reminds me. I really should eat something.

29. (43) A.J. Allmendinger, Ford, Best Buy

Um, Ayjay? Remember how you've been qualifying up front all year?

30. (78) Regan Smith, Chevrolet, Furniture Row/Farm American

Because it's hard to Farm French and still make it back home before dark.

31. (55) J.J. Yeley, Ford, Front Row Motorsports

Rule #34 strikes again for Teh Squash.

32. (31) Jeff Burton, Chevrolet, Caterpillar/Cat Financial

How 'bout financing those Cats in my front yard out of it? Two years of backup beeping is starting to take its toll.

33. (51) Landon Cassill, Chevrolet, Phoenix Construction/Thank A Teacher Today Security Benefit

Report: Large bumper sticker seen on back of 51; says "NOT BORIS DON'T HIT ME BIFF"

34. (36) Dave Blaney, Chevrolet, Accell Construction

I don't know who they are, but that sponsor does seem to like Dave.

35. (33) Clint Bowyer, Chevrolet, Cheerios/Hamburger Helper

Take a wrong turn?

36. (30) David Stremme, Chevrolet, Inception Motorsports

A team wiffin a dream.

37. (87) Joe Nemechek, Toyota, NEMCO Motorsports

I got nothing on Joe.

38. (71) Andy Lally, Ford, Interstate Moving Services

How would y'all like to come move an interstate? Pretty please?

39. (34) David Gilliland, Ford, Front Row Motorsports

More Rule #34, I see.

40. (66) Todd Bodine, Toyota, HP Racing LLC

*hums* Blinded by the light.....

41. (37) Tony Raines, Ford, Max Q Motorsports

Good Tony! But who the hell is Max Q Motorsports?

42. (32) Ken Schrader, Ford, Koma Unwind


43. (60) Mike Skinner, Toyota, Big Red

Has Big Red gotten any airtime out of that sponsorship?

Did Not Qualify

(7) Johnny Sauter, Dodge, Speed Energy

I feel safer.

(46) Erik Darnell, Ford, RetakeOurGov.com

Dude, I know the economy sucks and all, but a Tea Party sponsorship? SRSLY?

(50) T.J. Bell, Chevrolet, Green Smoke

No, no, Smoke is only green at Watkins Glen, and it was just the once.
Tags: ,
I am: accomplishedaccomplished
listening to: Warrant - Dusty's Revenge
deifire on August 20th, 2011 04:44 pm (UTC)
The Evil One has convinced me I need to start watching Twitter more actively again. He is hilarious.
atugirl on August 20th, 2011 07:13 pm (UTC)
Also, there's this thing called the adventures of mini-Chad, which is apparently a cardboard cut-out of K-naus that goes everywhere, possibly sacrificing cardboard virgins.

And here I thought he was going for freshly bought blow up dolls
bubblesbrnaid on August 20th, 2011 07:17 pm (UTC)
I suppose one artificial virgin is much like another.
lissachicka on August 21st, 2011 02:53 am (UTC)
NGL, I snorted when I saw the Elliott!shirt. And I am SO glad that The Pits is back.
bubblesbrnaid on August 21st, 2011 07:07 am (UTC)