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31 July 2011 @ 02:06 am
Pole Follies: Indy  

1. (6) David Ragan, Ford, UPS/Ned Jarrett NASCAR Hall of Fame

Report: Goats faint, followed by Cat in a Hat.

2. (4) Kasey Kahne, Toyota, Red Bull

Kandy gets the DSOQ.

You know, I watched qualifying, and I saw Ragan get the pole, but I don't remember Kandy.

3. (48) Jimmie Johnson, Chevrolet, Lowe's/Kobalt Tools

How much does my mother hate Jimbo? She's starting to slander the baby.

4. (22) Kurt Busch, Dodge, Shell/Pennzoil

Dumbo is scarily chipper lately. I guess losing Eva and her boobs took a weight off his shoulders. Well, somebody's shoulders.

5. (2) Brad Keselowski, Dodge, Miller Lite

Yet again proving that it's not how many laps you lead, but when you lead them.

6. (43) A.J. Allmendinger, Ford, Best Buy

Ayjay, I love you, but your sponsor is not a best buy.

7. (42) Juan Pablo Montoya, Chevrolet, Target

If Juan Paolo loses for another stupid reason, there will be mass head-explosions throughout the Western Hemisphere.

8. (24) Jeff Gordon, Chevrolet, Drive to End Hunger

If this sponsorship was working, shouldn't we have no need of it by now?

9. (17) Matt Kenseth, Ford, Crown Royal

Well, this can't be good.

10. (99) Carl Edwards, Ford, Ortho Home Defense Max

Flipper has gotta watch his speeding penalties, or he's gonna end up as crazy as Juan Paolo.

11. (13) Casey Mears, Toyota, GEICO

\o/

12. (5) Mark Martin, Chevrolet, Quaker State/GoDaddy.com

GoAwayGranddaddy.

13. (31) Jeff Burton, Chevrolet, Caterpillar

CMPSOQ! And fairly close to Snrch too.

14. (11) Denny Hamlin, Toyota, FedEx Express

I got nothing.

15. (27) Paul Menard, Chevrolet, NIBCO/Menards

NIBCO: We make Nibs.

16. (1) Jamie McMurray, Chevrolet, Bass Pro Shops/Tracker

I suppose one must have had my childhood to truly appreciate commercials that feature Jamie, Kevin VanDam, and Bill Dance.

17. (47) Bobby Labonte, Toyota, Huggies Little Movers Slip-On Diapers

O Dignity, wherefore hast thou forsaken Bobby?

18. (16) Greg Biffle, Ford, American Red Cross/Type O "Give Blood"

I was going to, really, but there was this minor nuclear blowup in group and by the time we got out, the blood drive was over.

19. (29) Kevin Harvick, Chevrolet, Jimmy John's Gourmet Sandwiches

Yeah, I'm starting to think this should be the Harvick Great Depression School of Qualifying.

20. (20) Joey Logano, Toyota, The Home Depot

You do not exist.

21. (9) Marcos Ambrose, Ford, Stanley

Stanley sounds like a very stuffy screwdriver, FYI.

22. (88) Dale Earnhardt Jr., Chevrolet, Amp Energy/National Guard

It seems that our choices are Junior with Junior Junior and decent runs, or clean-shaven Junior and terrible bad luck.

23. (39) Ryan Newman, Chevrolet, Haas Automation
24. (14) Tony Stewart, Chevrolet, Mobil 1/Office Depot

The teamwork on these two is getting scary.

25. (21) Trevor Bayne, Ford, Motorcraft/Quick Lane Tire & Auto Center

Bayne was doing so well tonight, too, and then his engine blew up.

In addition to Parboiled Bayne, the Nationwide race also served up Toasted Allgaier and Steamed Sadler.

26. (33) Clint Bowyer, Chevrolet, Cheerios/Hamburger Helper

My grocery store had Hamburger Helper on sale 10 for $10 the other week. I'm now set until Christmas.

27. (78) Regan Smith, Chevrolet, Furniture Row Companies

Regan may or may not exist. I haven't looked it up yet.

28. (00) David Reutimann, Toyota, Aaron's Dream Machine

Dear Aaron's Dream Machine: I would like to lodge a complaint about my dream quality lately.

29. (18) Kyle Busch, Toyota, M&M's

Scrubby really is just sucking the fun out of the M&Ms sponsorship. I can't buy the cute stuff because it all has Scrubby all over it.

30. (56) Martin Truex Jr., Toyota, NAPA Platinum Filter

Well, your singing wasn't going to net you a platinum record for damn sure.

31. (83) Brian Vickers, Toyota, Red Bull

He shall be my Squishy.

32. (51) Landon Cassill, Chevrolet, Thank A Teacher Today/Security Benefit

How long are we going to thank that poor teacher? Don't you think she's ready to sit down by now?

33. (36) Dave Blaney, Chevrolet, Big Red

Close but no RCSOQ.

34. (37) Scott Speed, Ford, Front Row Motorsports

Oh dear. Speed and Front Row sounds like matter and antimatter.

(Okay, so I got a cheap copy of Angels and Demons at a book sale. Sosumi.)

35. (66) Michael McDowell, Toyota, HP Racing LLC

You are driving for the enemy, dude. I don't know if I can pull for you any more.

36. (87) Joe Nemechek, Toyota, AMFMEnergy.com/Pellet & Wood Stoves

That web of sponsors completely lost me.

37. (34) David Gilliland, Ford, Front Row Motorsports

But...why is the Taco Bell gone?

38. (60) Mike Skinner, Toyota, Big Red

Quit horning in on Dave's sponsors.

39. (71) Andy Lally, Ford, Interstate Moving Services

Come move me. Please. My house has wheels, somewhere.

40. (50) T.J. Bell, Chevrolet, Green Smoke

Green Smoke is the bastard offspring of Tony Stewart and the Green Lantern, right? Or was that the Green Hornet?

41. (7) Robby Gordon, Dodge, Speed Energy

On any other track, I'd be worried, but this is Indy. Nothing exciting ever happens here.

42. (32) Mike Bliss, Ford, TMone "We Drive Sales"
43. (23) Terry Labonte, Ford, CRMone "We Drive Service"


I...just don't wanna know.


Did Not Qualify

(30) David Stremme, Chevrolet, Inception Motorsports

*consults notes* Nope. Got nothing.

(38) Travis Kvapil, Ford, Long John Silver's

His namesake is currently perched on the arm of the couch giving me dirty looks.

(46) Erik Darnell, Ford, Red Line Oil

You sound familiar. Weren't you supposed to be at the other track?

(55) J.J. Yeley, Ford, Front Row Motorsports

No Squash? Waah.

(77) Scott Wimmer, Dodge, Speed Energy

Damn. This track could use some people diving through the field for booze.
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listening to: Jesse Stone: Night Passage