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09 July 2011 @ 01:11 pm
Pole Follies: Kentucky  

It rained. So they set the field by alchemy. Or picking names out of a hat. Or seeing who could toss Scrubby and Logano the farthest. I have no idea and I have given up trying to understand.

1. (18) Kyle Busch, Toyota, M&M's

The inevitable has happened. Ellyut was interviewed post-Nationwide race, and I couldn't understand him! I'm losing my ability to translate Emporian! *wail*

2. (42) Juan Pablo Montoya, Chevrolet, Target

The Louisville Slugger Company has made special-edition bats and given one to every driver, as well as a shitload of other VIPs.

My question: Is this the brightest gift for a bunch of temperamental, hypercompetitive men? I mean, at least Texas waits till after the race to give them guns.

3. (22) Kurt Busch, Dodge, Shell/Pennzoil

Brian France is trying to sue to get his divorce out of the public record. Probably because the Feds only giggled when he threatened to fine them for actions detrimental to stock car racing.

4. (4) Kasey Kahne, Toyota, Red Bull

Will the RCSOQ promise better things for Red Bull?

5. (48) Jimmie Johnson, Chevrolet, Lowe's

The pre-Nationwide race montage about Jimbo's training program, with SUPER DRAMATIC VOICE OVER by Jimbo himself, was the funniest piece I've seen in ages.

6. (2) Brad Keselowski, Dodge, Miller Lite

Somebody stole my mailbox.

Like the idiot who stole my telephone pole, I suspect Miller products were the root cause of this.

7. (99) Carl Edwards, Ford, Aflac

Flipper sale.

8. (6) David Ragan, Ford, UPS "We Love Logistics"

In the wackiest thing I've seen in, well, minutes, UPS apparently felt the need to issue a statement about how happy they were with the win.

I'm far more offended by the lack of response from the goats.

9. (14) Tony Stewart, Chevrolet, Office Depot/Mobil 1

So there I was in Wal-Mart, perusing the frozen goods, and all of a sudden I am accosted by images of Bluto on frozen burritos.

10. (27) Paul Menard, Chevrolet, Sylvania/Menards

You know, if he keeps thinking he's a driver like this, he's going to mess around and win.

11. (9) Marcos Ambrose, Ford, Porter-Cable Power Tools

This will be Marcos' 101st start.

12. (78) Regan Smith, Chevrolet, Furniture Row Companies

1278: Ulrich von Liechtenstein dies. Who knew that he was a real person?

13. (17) Matt Kenseth, Ford, Crown Royal

Well, this can't be good.

14. (24) Jeff Gordon, Chevrolet, DuPont

So, the "this is sports" commercial for racing involves lots of senior citizens, bingo, and a very old Kenny Rogers song. Apparently ESPN thinks we're all old fogies.

I'll have you know I'm a young fogey, kthxbai.

15. (20) Joey Logano, Toyota, The Home Depot

I swear, every time they showed a screenful of him today, I wondered how many broken cameras he's left littering the road behind him. That boy is not photogenic.

16. (56) Martin Truex Jr., Toyota, NAPA "Good To Go" Rebate

Does this mean we're going to be subjected to a painful new jingle?

17. (00) David Reutimann, Toyota, Tums

I have nothing on Root. Neither does Jayski. Very annoying.

18. (39) Ryan Newman, Chevrolet, Tornados

1839: The daguerreotype, the first commercially successful photographic process, is announced, paving the way for millions of people to plaster pictures of themselves all over the Internet.

19. (29) Kevin Harvick, Chevrolet, Budweiser

Well, from the comments I caught after the Nationwide race, the Great Depression might be striking KHI soon.

20. (33) Clint Bowyer, Chevrolet, Cheerios/Hamburger Helper

Sorry, Clint, I'm planning on trying a new recipe tonight. Won't be needing the Hamburger Helper.

21. (16) Greg Biffle, Ford, 3M

Proving that the Biffles are well-matched odd ducks, they gave their shiny new daughter a perfectly normal and normally spelled name: Emma Elizabeth.

Maybe the missus is an Austen fan, though I would have thought by her taste in men that she had better judgment than that.

22. (31) Jeff Burton, Chevrolet, Caterpillar

I am not feeling generous toward Caterpillars this week, considering how many times they've blocked me in my house.

23. (43) A.J. Allmendinger, Ford, Valvoline

If Ayjay is being sponsored by Valvoline, then I expect to see giant posters of him at the oil change place the next time I go in.

24. (47) Bobby Labonte, Toyota, Cottonelle Clean Care

Why is Bobby shilling for toilet paper?

25. (13) Casey Mears, Toyota, GEICO

I apologize for anybody I scared when Snrch was leading last week and I yelled.

26. (11) Denny Hamlin, Toyota, FedEx Ground

Thanks to the NC DOT and the highway from hell, I am now having to have all packages sent to other addresses if I am to have any chance at actually receiving them.

27. (83) Brian Vickers, Toyota, Red Bull

In stock car TV news, apparently NASCAR will be the theme of this week's Necessary Roughness. Haven't heard if there will be any guest shots, though.

28. (5) Mark Martin, Chevrolet, Quaker State/GoDaddy.com
29. (88) Dale Earnhardt Jr., Chevrolet, Diet Mountain Dew/National Guard

Normally teamwork is more adorable than this, but not even Junior can compensate for the horror that is GoAwayGranddaddy.

30. (51) Landon Cassill, Chevrolet, Thank A Teacher Today/Security Benefit

Will you thank that teacher already?

31. (87) Joe Nemechek, Toyota, NEMCO Motorsports

Front Row Joe led laps last week.

I know.

32. (36) Dave Blaney, Chevrolet, Big Red
33. (60) Mike Skinner, Toyota, Big Red

Hey! Dave is supposed to have his own sponsor!

34. (1) Jamie McMurray, Chevrolet, McDonald's
35. (34) David Gilliland, Ford, Taco Bell
36. (46) J.J. Yeley, Chevrolet, Red Line Oil
37. (38) Travis Kvapil, Ford, Long John Silver's

How come Squash can't have a fast-food sponsor? Squash wants to be bad for us too!

38. (66) Michael McDowell, Toyota, Standard Publishing/"Relentless Hope"

Is it just me, or does that sound like a particularly poor-quality bodice-ripper?

39. (71) Andy Lally, Ford, Cool Works Cup

*tilts head* The what?

40. (81) Scott Riggs, Chevrolet, WhitneysCollision.com

I've told you about tempting fate, Riggsy.

41. (37) Tony Raines, Ford, Front Row Motorsports

Good' ol Rule 34 strikes Good Tony again.

42. (32) Mike Bliss, Ford, Big Red

GEESH! How many Big Red cars can one field handle? I'm glad I'm not their spotter.

43. (7) Scott Wimmer, Dodge, Speed Energy

The booze went thataway. *points*

Did Not Qualify

(15) Michael Waltrip, Toyota, Aaron's/Darrell Waltrip NASCAR Hall of Fame

Apparently Mother Nature is not a DW fan.

(30) David Stremme, Chevrolet, Stock Car Steel and Aluminum

As opposed to what, pointy-car steel and aluminum?

(50) T.J. Bell, Toyota, Green Smoke

Which year was it that Smoke was so green during the race that he had to change his firesuit before Victory Lane?

(77) Robby Gordon, Dodge, Speed Energy

Bet he boots the Sot out of the car.

(95) David Starr, Ford, Jordan Truck Sales

Once, we had the Dale and Dale show. Then we had the Jeff'n'Jeff show. Now we're having Davids x umpty.
Tags: ,
listening to: Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
lissachicka on July 9th, 2011 08:58 pm (UTC)
In a way I feel bad for Kurt (per the rumors I heard, the soon-to-be ex wife filed for divorce just days after the pre-nup was void. That strikes me as odd with how they were acting in Kyle's wedding show on E or Style or whatever. There were also rumors, though, that she was a gold digger [ie: the new set of bewbies before they were even engaged]).

However, he should have issued a statement before bringing the new girlfriend to the track (for those who WEREN'T paying attention to RingGate 2011: Keebler Edition) that he was separating, and to respect his request for privacy. Or, he needs to get a PR rep who's not a complete moron. I have a feeling it's going to get REALLY ugly, and he's going to need as much PR spin as possible. I'm talking Brooke and Jeff Gordon ugly here.

And as the resident Bluto Fan©, I can tell you that I THINK it was 2002, and it was the Watkins Glen race. I remember thinking "Oh, come the hell on. Do we REALLY need to know that, reporters???", and a road course just...sounds right.

And I can tell you what's wrong with Ellyut: he's starting to annunciate and sound like he's speaking English instead of Sadler. I has a sad about that. :(