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02 July 2011 @ 01:31 pm
Pole Follies: Daytona  

If ESPN's broadcast was any indication, and you don't plan on driving or mind having a hangover on Sunday morning, you might want to drink every time the announcers make an innuendo-laden remark. You should be drunk by the green flag and in a coma by lap 10.

1. (5) Mark Martin, Chevrolet, Carquest/GoDaddy.com
2. (21) Trevor Bayne, Ford, Motorcraft/Quick Lane Tire & Auto Center

You're young, Trevor. There's hope for you. Don't buy into the nonsense about Martin. He will kick puppies. And blame the puppies.

3. (33) Clint Bowyer, Chevrolet, Wheaties Fuel

Triple Threat for a Nationwide Horseman, which is like the minor league of Horsemen.

(For those who aren't getting the Four Horsemen jokes, that was how ESPN was referring to the four KHI cars last night, resulting in many twisted minds trying to figure out which driver was which.)

4. (24) Jeff Gordon, Chevrolet, Pepsi Max

All the other commercials, and what does ESPN give NASCAR? A bunch of seniors playing bingo, desperately hoping for a 24, to the tune of "Love Will Turn You Around."

Just admit you hate our guts and move on.

5. (6) David Ragan, Ford, UPS "We Love Logistics"

Close but no RCSOQ for the goats.

6. (88) Dale Earnhardt Jr., Chevrolet, National Guard Heritage/Amp Energy

D'you think poor Danica has realized yet that the crowd was cheering her owner, not her?

7. (71) Andy Lally, Ford, Interstate Moving Services

Well, look who thinks he's a driver.

8. (48) Jimmie Johnson, Chevrolet, Lowe's Summer Salute

I read that as "Lowe's Smelling Salts" and assumed that they were as fed up with him as we were.

9. (43) A.J. Allmendinger, Ford, U.S. Air Force

Does that make this a flying Ayjay?

10. (27) Paul Menard, Chevrolet, Quaker State/Menards

Apropos of nothing, it's fucking hot in here. I wonder if there's a problem with my a/c.

11. (39) Ryan Newman, Chevrolet, Bass Pro Shops/NRA

Why is the Neckless One shilling for Bass Pro? I prefer buy my tackleboxes under the influence of McMerry.

12. (31) Jeff Burton, Chevrolet, Caterpillar

I'm about fed up with Caterpillars. Thanks to them, there's a mountain of dirt providing a true dead end to my road.

13. (4) Kasey Kahne, Toyota, Red Bull

So, if Kandy is taking GoAwayGrandaddy's place next year, does that mean he has to start kicking puppies and blaming the puppies?

14. (99) Carl Edwards, Ford, Subway

According to ESPN, Flipper made a commitment to Jamie. No word on how Ellyut and Mama Flipper took the news.

15. (9) Marcos Ambrose, Ford, Dewalt

I got nothing.

16. (17) Matt Kenseth, Ford, Affliction Clothing: Live Fast

Evil's Affliction has returned.

Also, Evil's Affliction would make an excellent band name.

17. (16) Greg Biffle, Ford, 3M

So close. So far.

18. (1) Jamie McMurray, Chevrolet, McDonald's

There's a new Hall of Fame commercial where Jamie says something like "I get to be a kid again." Like he ever grew up to begin with.

19. (14) Tony Stewart, Chevrolet, Burger King

1914. How appropriate for War.

20. (83) Brian Vickers, Toyota, Red Bull

Squishy had a speaking role and a girl on each arm in The Glades. I suspect they were grabbing drivers at random for that role.

21. (51) Landon Cassill, Chevrolet, Thank A Teacher Today/Security Benefit

Lando, dear, have we not thanked that silly teacher yet?

22. (97) Kevin Conway, Toyota, Extenze

Thanks to these morons, we are now getting two Jimmie Johnsons every race. Fuckers.

23. (00) David Reutimann, Toyota, Aaron's Dream Machine

The Dream Machine took me into a wacky Stargate plot that involved, of all people, Michael Waltrip. As a truck driver.

24. (47) Bobby Labonte, Toyota, Kingsford

How appropriate.

25. (22) Kurt Busch, Dodge, Shell/Pennzoil
26. (2) Brad Keselowski, Dodge, Miller Lite

Teamwork from the Penskes.

27. (38) Travis Kvapil, Ford, Long John Silver's

I take it we learned our lesson from that week of Smash?

28. (78) Regan Smith, Chevrolet, Furniture Row Companies

If they keep going like they have been, all the field fillers are going to relocate to Denver.

29. (60) Mike Skinner, Toyota, Big Red

Wow, Mikey. You made it.

30. (42) Juan Pablo Montoya, Chevrolet, Target

TNT's trivia questions are getting lazier and lazier. Last week, it was "which driver got his first Cup win at Sears Point"? Seriously?

31. (29) Kevin Harvick, Chevrolet, Budweiser Folds of Honor

Um. I. It. That. Um.

I've read too many bad romance novels.

32. (13) Casey Mears, Toyota, GEICO


33. (66) Michael McDowell, Toyota, HP Racing LLC


34. (56) Martin Truex Jr., Toyota, NAPA Auto Parts

NAPA Know How doesn't seem to be working.

35. (35) Geoff Bodine , Chevrolet, Luke & Associates

Who pulled Billiard Ball the Elder out of retirement and who the fuck said he could get the RCSOQ?

36. (11) Denny Hamlin, Toyota, FedEx Express

The DennyTime commercials are really starting to annoy me.

37. (20) Joey Logano, Toyota, The Home Depot

Logano is having clutch issues this weekend. I see him with one of those tacky, hot pink, sequined numbers.

38. (18) Kyle Busch, Toyota, Interstate All Battery Center

Now how did Preacher Gibbs manage to get all three of you back here?

39. (34) David Gilliland, Ford, Front Row Motorsports

Rule #34 strikes again.

40. (36) Dave Blaney, Chevrolet, Golden Corral

Okay, where are my Blaney commercials? It's been long enough. Humor the fan.

41. (32) Terry Labonte, Ford, C&J Energy

And it's not even a champ's provisional.

42. (7) Mike Bliss, Dodge, Speed Energy

My, Crash, how you've changed.

43. (87) Joe Nemechek, Toyota, NEMCO Motorsports

Rule #1: There is slash for everything.
Rule #2: You shall not slash Front Row Joe.
Rule #3: You shall especially not slash Front Row Joe with the Extenze driver.

Did Not Qualify

(37) Tony Raines, Ford, BlackCat Fireworks.com

Well, that's just unpatriotic.

(46) J.J. Yeley, Chevrolet, Red Line Oil

Oh, come on. If ever we needed a Squash....
Tags: ,
I am: awakeawake
listening to: Necessary Roughness - Pilot
deifire on July 2nd, 2011 07:16 pm (UTC)
31. (29) Kevin Harvick, Chevrolet, Budweiser Folds of Honor

Um. I. It. That. Um.

I've read too many bad romance novels

ZOMG. Scary, scary visual place, I tell you!