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05 June 2011 @ 10:23 am
Pole Follies: Kansas  

1. (22) Kurt Busch, Dodge, AAA

Does anyone else find the Dodge commercials narrated by the guy from Dexter slightly disturbing? I keep expecting a test driver to show up dismembered and wrapped in trash bags.

2. (42) Juan Pablo Montoya, Chevrolet, Target

Not even the Mantoy deserves to be in a Busch sandwich.

3. (18) Kyle Busch, Toyota, M&M's

There are reports that Scrubby will be wearing sunglasses to hide a black eye acquired after pissing off Richard Childress.

But sure, he's matured.

ETA: Per Marty Smith, this involved Childress, who by the way is 65, putting Scrubby in a headlock and "proceeding to beat on him." WHERE ARE THE PICTURES?

4. (83) Brian Vickers, Toyota, Red Bull

I shall call him Squishy, and he shall be mine, and he shall be my Squishy.

5. (20) Joey Logano, Toyota, The Home Depot

Why do I have the sneaking suspicion that the specificity on the nature of perennials in the Home Depot commercials is solely for Stale Roll's benefit?

6. (1) Jamie McMurray, Chevrolet, McDonald's

I should be hungry. Why am I not hungry?

7. (99) Carl Edwards, Ford, Aflac "Now Hiring"

I wish they'd tell us what they were hiring for.

8. (56) Martin Truex Jr., Toyota, NAPA Auto Parts

I didn't see the pie guy last week. Did I sleep through it or have they changed commercials?

9. (27) Paul Menard, Chevrolet, Zecol/Menards

Zecol: Code name for the Sideburns at the Department of Defense.

10. (29) Kevin Harvick, Chevrolet, Budweiser

I'm not sure which was funnier last week: K-naus', er, exclamation, or the look on Delana's face.

11. (78) Regan Smith, Chevrolet, Furniture Row Companies

Now that he exists, can he get some respect?

12. (39) Ryan Newman, Chevrolet, Haas Automation

Every time I see that sponsor, I get this image of robot drivers.

13. (14) Tony Stewart, Chevrolet, The Glades/Office Depot

Wait. Does this mean he's gonna be on The Glades? Because--well, if they let him be snarky, it'll be a sarcasm paradise!

14. (16) Greg Biffle, Ford, 3M/Walgreens

I use CVS, myself. But then, we've only gotten a Walgreens in the last few years.

15. (11) Denny Hamlin, Toyota, FedEx Freight

I admit it: The photoshopped Denny washing the car in that paisley quilted firesuit still creeps me out.

16. (31) Jeff Burton, Chevrolet, Caterpillar

Jeffybuhton is responsible for 75% of the year factoids in Pole Follies, but this does not take into account that 99% of statistics are made up on the spot.

17. (4) Kasey Kahne, Toyota, Red Bull

Why did I just hear a modernized version of "Carry On My Wayward Son"? Who would modernize that, and why are we trying to summon Winchesters?

18. (5) Mark Martin, Chevrolet, Farmers Insurance/GoDaddy.com

So if I like the Farmers commercials and hate the GoDaddy commercials, does that mean I have to be neutral this week?

19. (6) David Ragan, Ford, UPS "We Love Logistics"

I'm very happy with UPS this week. They brought me my new toy, Kinny. He's a Kindle. Now I just have to finish the case.

20. (47) Bobby Labonte, Toyota, Clorox/Kleenex

After the therapy week I've had, I need more Kleenex.

21. (17) Matt Kenseth, Ford, Affliction Clothing: Live Fast

*blink*

Well, if that's not the worst name for a clothing line in, oh, ever.

22. (24) Jeff Gordon, Chevrolet, Drive to End Hunger
23. (00) David Reutimann, Toyota, Tums

Jeffypoo keeps getting the worst juxtapositions for that sponsor....

24. (51) Landon Cassill, Chevrolet, Thank A Teacher Today/Security Benefit

You keep crashing, Lando, and that's gonna be an insecurity benefit.

25. (2) Brad Keselowski, Dodge, Miller Lite

Why is Discount Tire subjecting me to Kezzy wearing his underwear outside his pants? He looks like he's pledging a fraternity.

26. (43) A.J. Allmendinger, Ford, STP

I have a pal who lives farther into Ramblin' Man than I do. She doesn't know where the Richard Petty statue is.

27. (33) Clint Bowyer, Chevrolet, American Ethanol

Well, if you had to pick a driver to shill corn, the Kansas boy is probably the best bet.

28. (88) Dale Earnhardt Jr., Chevrolet, Amp Energy/National Guard

My bad. Junior ran out right after I said "Go, boy!" last week. Please don't tell Junior Nation. I treasure my life.

29. (30) David Stremme, Chevrolet, Inception Motorsports

You only dreamed you got the RCSOQ, dude.

30. (38) Travis Kvapil, Ford, Long John Silver's

Kansas is landlocked, you know.

31. (48) Jimmie Johnson, Chevrolet, Lowe's/Kobalt Tools

My favorite line from last week was not K-naus' language malfunction. It was when one of the announcers started talking about how they've lost their "mojo."

Does that mean they've completely used up the virgin supply?

32. (46) J.J. Yeley, Chevrolet, Red Line Oil

The way he drives, I don't think he needs more reason to go splat.

33. (13) Casey Mears, Toyota, GEICO

Alas, poor Snrch. I have nothing on you, except my unending fannishness that curses your career.

34. (87) Joe Nemechek, Toyota, NEMCO Motorsports

Yep. Still thinking mattresses whenever I see "NEMCO".

35. (9) Marcos Ambrose, Ford, Stanley

Um, Marcos? What happened?

36. (81) Scott Riggs, Chevrolet, WhitneysCollision.com

Why doesn't this company ever land on a car that doesn't have Trouble Magnets installed?

37. (66) Michael McDowell, Toyota, Victory Junction

Which one?

38. (34) David Gilliland, Ford, Taco Bell

I'd quiero, but I'd have to drive. And leave the house. And all that shit.

39. (71) Andy Lally, Ford, TRG Motorsports

There is nothing worse than watching an idiot on SportsCenter trying to sound like a: he knows about NASCAR and b: talk like Sterling Marlin.

40. (32) Patrick Carpentier, Ford, U.S. Chrome

Le Favorite Frenchyperson has returned! Whee!

I hope U.S. Chrome isn't one of those "freedom fries" companies, though, because that'd just be awkward.

41. (7) Johnny Sauter, Dodge, Speed Energy

What the fuck is Robby Gordon trying to do to us? See what the most dangerous combo of driver and Speed is?

42. (36) Dave Blaney, Chevrolet, Accell Construction

*pets Blaney* You'll get a real sponsor again.

43. (60) Mike Skinner, Toyota, Big Red

There is a driver named Mikey Kyle in the NW field. That boy was just cursed to be a NASCAR driver.

ETA: Okay, it's Kile. Still.

Did Not Qualify

(37) Tony Raines, Ford, Black Cat Fireworks
(50) T.J. Bell, Toyota, Green Smoke

Are those sponsors related? They look related.
Tags: ,
 
 
I am: awakeawake. maybe.
listening to: Criminal Minds
 
 
 
lissachicka on June 5th, 2011 02:31 pm (UTC)
Yes, Tony will be on "The Glades". Along with Stale Role and...someone else. According to Busbee, the main character is investigating the death of a NASCAR mechanic.
lissachicka on June 5th, 2011 02:32 pm (UTC)
Carl. It's Tony, Carl, and Stale Roll. (Don't mind my spelling. Still blinking crusties out of my eyes.)
deifire on June 5th, 2011 03:08 pm (UTC)
I may have to watch just for that episode! I'm convinced Carl is the killer.
bubblesbrnaid on June 5th, 2011 03:34 pm (UTC)
Carl would manage to frame Stale Roll.
bubblesbrnaid on June 5th, 2011 03:35 pm (UTC)
That has to be the single most disturbing icon I have ever seen.
deifire on June 5th, 2011 03:14 pm (UTC)
I actually had to look Matt's Affliction--yeah, that is a terrible name--in the interest of supporting my driver's sponsors.

They actually make things I would wear. Y'know, if I felt like spending over $50 for a single shirt.
bubblesbrnaid on June 5th, 2011 03:34 pm (UTC)
So it's not only a sucky name, they're pretentious? Geesh.
deifire on June 5th, 2011 03:42 pm (UTC)
Yep. Oddly, when I think pretentious clothing lines, Matt Kenseth is not the first driver that comes to mind. With two small kids and four cats, how long can expensive clothes last in the Kenseth home anyway?