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28 May 2011 @ 03:47 pm
Pole Follies: Charlotte  

Now, if they can just give me this much time between qualifying and all the races, I can get Pole Follies up without any problems.

1. (2) Brad Keselowski, Dodge, Miller Lite

By the way, nobody told me about any new rain-qualifying procedures. I am exceedingly miffed.

2. (43) A.J. Allmendinger, Ford, U.S. Air Force

Ayjay's turning into the perpetual bridesmaid. But he doesn't look as pretty in a dress as Kandy Kahne.

3. (99) Carl Edwards, Ford, Scotts EZ Seed

Does Scotts make replacement manhole covers?

4. (11) Denny Hamlin, Toyota, FedEx Express

And you thought he was jealous of Scrubby before.

5. (31) Jeff Burton, Chevrolet, Caterpillar

I have nothing on Jeffybuhton right now, so can I bitch about the fact that every other commercial on ABC is for a stupid reality show?

6. (48) Jimmie Johnson, Chevrolet, Lowe's Summer Salute


7. (00) David Reutimann, Toyota, Aaron's Dream Machine/Armed Forces Foundation

I was able to reduce the Dream Machine to normal functioning last night by applying earplugs.

8. (6) David Ragan, Ford, UPS "We Love Logistics"

They love logistics like Jay'ski love's apostrophe's.

(You have no idea how much that hurt to type.)

9. (21) Ricky Stenhouse Jr. , Ford, Motorcraft/Quick Lane Tire & Auto Center

The secret to winning your first Nationwide race: Make sure Bubbles is so sleepy she sleeps right through it and her DVR isn't recording it.

10. (33) Clint Bowyer, Chevrolet, Cheerios/Hamburger Helper
11. (24) Jeff Gordon, Chevrolet, Drive to End Hunger

You can't hit up the Hamburger Helper people for some assistance?

12. (39) Ryan Newman, Chevrolet, U.S. Army

Signs you should be in bed and not in the grocery store: You mistake a life-size Thor cutout for Ryan Newman.

13. (5) Mark Martin, Chevrolet, Carquest/GoDaddy.com

Apparently, only the fans have noticed that the 25, such as GoAwayGranddaddy drove in the All-Star Race, is a cursed number. Kyle Petty actually gushed about the great history of the number.

King Tut had a great history too, you know.

14. (56) Martin Truex Jr., Toyota, NAPA Auto Parts

Hmph. Now I want apple pies.

15. (16) Greg Biffle, Ford, 3M

Why does my mother think I keep up with the due dates of every driver's wife in the series?

16. (27) Paul Menard, Chevrolet, Moen/Menards

Menard sliced his foot open this week and will be driving slightly injured.

No, he did not slice his foot on his sideburns. It was on a boat ramp.

Wait a second. Didn't Scott Riggs do the same thing a few years back? Do these guys not talk to each other?

17. (4) Kasey Kahne, Toyota, Red Bull

Discovered recently: A pal of mine has a relative who actually is named Candy Kane (spelling unknown). Believe it or not, she isn't a stripper or a porn star.

18. (83) Brian Vickers, Toyota, Red Bull

Um... It's not 1983?

19. (17) Matt Kenseth, Ford, Jeremiah Weed Southern Style

Baby Kensethbots are cute, but obviously too young to master their father's complicated emotion programming. Where's Dr. Soong when you need him?

20. (78) Regan Smith, Chevrolet, Furniture Row Companies

Poor Regan. He wins, and Scrubby and Harprick steal all his thunder.

21. (18) Kyle Busch, Toyota, M&M's

120+ in a 45. Do I need to explain why this is fucking stupid? And why he deserves to have his license revoked?

22. (14) Tony Stewart, Chevrolet, Office Depot/Mobil 1

I understand we now have a 40-year-old Smoke.

23. (20) Joey Logano, Toyota, The Home Depot

And you thought he was jealous of Scrubby before.

24. (9) Marcos Ambrose, Ford, Dewalt

I am woefully short of info on Marcos. See what happens when you take away my Swiss Rolls?

25. (88) Dale Earnhardt Jr., Chevrolet, National Guard/Amp Energy

I understand that there was one lone Junior hater in the stands last week who was genuinely shocked that Junior won the fan vote. The other 6 billion people on the planet want to know what rock he was living under.

26. (22) Kurt Busch, Dodge, Shell/Pennzoil

Dumbo is actually kinda adorable in that new Shell commercial. In a sly, devious, Busch kinda way.

27. (47) Bobby Labonte, Toyota, Kingsford/Bush's Beans

Charcoal and baked beans. Must be Memorial Day.

28. (29) Kevin Harvick, Chevrolet, Budweiser Armed Forces Tribute

Close, but no RCSOQ.

On the other hand, nobody pulled him over for speeding.

29. (42) Juan Pablo Montoya, Chevrolet, Target

It's a pity the cars never wreck anymore. I'd love another 25-caution 600 like we had a few years back.

30. (34) David Gilliland, Ford, Taco Bell

Yo quiero. They really should serve breakfast. *tries to remember if they open at 0900 or 1000*

31. (38) Travis Kvapil, Ford, Long John Silver's

It be the Dread Pyrate Waffle!

32. (95) David Starr, Ford, Jordan Truck Sales

I'm sorry. Are you under the impression that we need another David?

33. (66) Michael McDowell, Toyota, Keyper Systems

That would be the system that ensures that you're permanently on the highlight roll?

34. (46) J.J. Yeley, Chevrolet, Red Line Oil

So it'll be doubly messy when Squash goes Squash.

35. (1) Jamie McMurray, Chevrolet, Bass Pro Shops/Tracker

Pole Follies observes a moment of silence for the people of Joplin.

36. (87) Joe Nemechek, Toyota, NEMCO Motorsports

My brain associates "NEMCO" with mattresses. I have no idea why.

37. (13) Casey Mears, Toyota, GEICO


38. (30) David Stremme, Chevrolet, Inception Motorsports

Two weeks, and nobody has made a single comment about my "dweam wiffin a dweam" remark? I am severely disappointed. *pokes audience*

39. (32) Mike Bliss, Ford, Donnie Myers RV Service

The field is Blissful.

40. (09) Landon Cassill, Chevrolet, Thank A Teacher Today/Security Benefit

Did Lando thank Cope for teaching him how to go boom?

41. (7) Robby Gordon, Dodge, Speed Energy

Oh, look. Crash is back. And on speed. Just what we need.

42. (36) Dave Blaney, Chevrolet, Disabled American Veterans/Golden Corral

I don't know about your towns, but around here, Golden Corral is actually a pretty good place to find veterans.

43. (60) Mike Skinner, Toyota, Big Red

Apropos of nothing concerning Mr. Spinner, I am very bloody tired of this stupid car with giant lips saying "chas-say".

Did Not Qualify

(37) Tony Raines, Ford, Black Cat Fireworks

I know them! They own South Carolina!

(50) T.J. Bell, Toyota, Green Smoke

Who are you and how did you get away with painting Tony Stewart green?

(71) Andy Lally, Ford, TRG Motorsports

The field is LOLless.

(77) Scott Wimmer, Dodge, Speed Energy

Sot and Speed? Probably a worse combination than Scrubby and sportscars.

(81) Scott Riggs, Chevrolet, Whitney's Collision Centers

It's okay. Everybody in your neck of the woods is more concerned with Garner this week anyway.

I am: accomplishedaccomplished
listening to: NW Charlotte