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15 May 2011 @ 04:37 am
Pole Follies: Dover  

Apologies for the last couple of weeks. Someone issued me a life, and I didn't even ask for one. Hopefully now I can do better. If NASCAR will decide to go back to giving me enough time between qualifying and racing.

Just don't think it helps the quality or anything.

1. (48) Jimmie Johnson, Chevrolet, Lowe's

Dear Miles: Please to be reaching out and smashing the 48. Sincerely, Bubbles.

2. (43) A.J. Allmendinger, Ford, Best Buy

Ayjay is second in owner points? Then why don't they ever talk about him?

3. (88) Dale Earnhardt Jr., Chevrolet, Amp Energy Sugar Free/National Guard

Junior's third in owner points? No wonder I keep dreaming that it's Armageddon.

4. (4) Kasey Kahne, Toyota, Red Bull

RCSOQ for Kandy!

5. (20) Joey Logano, Toyota, The Home Depot

I don't like you, Mr. Ed.

6. (22) Kurt Busch, Dodge, Shell/Pennzoil

Report: Dumbo sends Shrub card saying "Thank you for making the blue streak I cussed at Richmond look polite and genteel"

7. (18) Kyle Busch, Toyota, M&M's

I'll see if I can use little words. Fans are capable of admitting when their driver does something stupid, no matter how much they like him. Idiots think their drivers shit rainbows.

Punting a car on pit road is such a dumbass move that, as far as I'm concerned, Shrub should have been suspended. Doing it post-race, when people have their guard down and aren't expecting it, is somehow even stupider. Intentionally hitting a car that has no one in it to control it is so far past stupid that it makes my pet rocks look like mini-Einsteins.

The boy may be talented, but he's also an ass. If you like that in a driver, fine, but at least admit it.

8. (56) Martin Truex Jr., Toyota, NAPA Auto Parts
9. (2) Brad Keselowski, Dodge, Miller Lite

Wow. Imagine where these guys would be if they were having good luck.

10. (29) Kevin Harvick, Chevrolet, Budweiser

You know, Kevin, if there's one thing the Busch boys have learned over the years, it's to not take off their helmets when somebody is coming after them. You could have seriously hurt your hand. Just ask Jimmy Spencer.

11. (78) Regan Smith, Chevrolet, Furniture Row Companies

I guess this means you are a real driver now, huh? *confetti*

12. (16) Greg Biffle, Ford, 3M

3/4(RCSOQ). Nobody does the fractions like zi Biff.

13. (99) Carl Edwards, Ford, Aflac

Hm. Points = Flipper inflation.

14. (6) David Ragan, Ford, UPS "We Love Logistics"

Regan wins. Mass confusion by lower-quality media groups cannot be far behind.

15. (83) Brian Vickers, Toyota, Red Bull

Dear Squishy: While we all appreciate your loyalty to your sponsor-owner, perhaps next time, you could not take "it gives you wings" quite so literally? Sincerely, Bubbles

16. (31) Jeff Burton, Chevrolet, Caterpillar

2031, dude. Toss the poor starving Warrant fan a bone.

17. (00) David Reutimann, Toyota, Aaron's Dream Machine

My dream machine is broken. No, seriously. I have had nothing but nightmares for the last week and a half, including a doozy that crossed my high school English class with Quantum Leap in a completely terrible way. I want a new dream machine.

18. (9) Marcos Ambrose, Ford, Dewalt

He got the KKSOQ last week, and I wasn't even able to capitalize. Dammit.

19. (42) Juan Pablo Montoya, Chevrolet, Target

And we thought the Newman/Montoya fight was going to keep us entertained for a few weeks.

20. (27) Paul Menard, Chevrolet, CertainTeed/Menards

You'd think after two weeks of failing to do Pole Follies, I'd have more on Menard than the usual sideburns joke.

21. (24) Jeff Gordon, Chevrolet, DuPont

According to an NOL article, if you fuck with Jeffypoo, don't bother calling to apologize. Unless, of course, you really mean it.

And if you really piss him off, you will have to deal with Her Royal Highness.

22. (33) Clint Bowyer, Chevrolet, BB&T

I'm beginning to think that ol' Clint has a think for finishing races upside down.

23. (47) Bobby Labonte, Toyota, Kingsford/Bush's Beans

Must be barbecue season.

24. (17) Matt Kenseth, Ford, Wiley X Sunglasses

Are those his actual sunglasses, or does he just get paid by them?

25. (5) Mark Martin, Chevrolet, GoDaddy.com

I'm torn. I dislike him to the point that I don't care if someone steals his Nationwide win record....but I really don't want that to be Scrubby.

26. (11) Denny Hamlin, Toyota, FedEx Ground/AutismSpeaks.org

Autism couldn't find a better spokesperson?

27. (14) Tony Stewart, Chevrolet, Mobil 1/Office Depot
28. (39) Ryan Newman, Chevrolet, Haas Automation

My, what teamwork.

29. (34) David Gilliland, Ford, Taco Bell

Yo quiero. Actually, yo quiero anything that's real food at the moment. I could've sworn I had some soup left.

30. (13) Casey Mears, Toyota, GEICO

Snrch has a commercial! A GEICO commercial! And while there's no gecko, it is moderately amusing. Especially his Nadeau-esque sheepish look when the window breaks.

31. (1) Jamie McMurray, Chevrolet, Bass Pro Shops/Tracker

Things learned recently: Larry Mac can't say "McMurray", but he can pronounce "meniscus."

32. (09) Landon Cassill, Chevrolet, Thank A Teacher Today/Security Benefit

We haven't thanked the teachers yet?

33. (32) Mike Bliss, Ford, U.S. Chrome

The field is Blissful.

34. (7) Scott Wimmer, Dodge, Fast Five/Speed Energy

Oh dear. No Crash, but we have Sot. No beer can is safe.

35. (36) Dave Blaney, Chevrolet, Golden Corral

Aw. Blaney got a real sponsor. And almost got a RCSOQ. *pets the Blaney*

36. (66) Michael McDowell, Toyota, HP Racing LLC


37. (71) Andy Lally, Ford, Interstate Moving Services

3771. Meh.

38. (46) J.J. Yeley, Chevrolet, Red Line Oil

Call me paranoid, but I think Squash, oil, and Dover are a bad combo.

39. (60) Mike Skinner, Toyota, Big Red

Spinner and spice, it's all not so nice.

What? It's 0430. You come up with something better.

40. (30) David Stremme, Chevrolet, Inception Motorsports

So this team is a dweam wiffin a dweam?

41. (38) Travis Kvapil, Ford, A&W All American Food

Waffle's namesake does not approve. Or he may be antsy about the presence of Myttyns in the same room. Or still pissed about the haircut.

42. (87) Joe Nemechek, Toyota, NEMCO Motorsports

Dude, you missed the front row. Again.

43. (37) Tony Raines, Ford, Front Row Motorsports

Lovely to see Rule 34 strike again, even when they've gotten rid of their #34.

Did Not Qualify

(81) Scott Riggs, Chevrolet, Whitney Motorsports

I keep reading that as "whiney" Motorsports, and wondering what the hell Jimmie Johnson is doing back here.
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I am: awakeawake
listening to: Homicide: Life on the Streets