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17 April 2011 @ 02:44 am
Pole Follies: Dega  

1. (24) Jeff Gordon, Chevrolet, Drive to End Hunger

And in terms of wacky milestones, we have this: This is the slowest Dega pole speed ever.

2. (48) Jimmie Johnson, Chevrolet, Lowe's

*gapes at the pre-race* What in the name of all that is holy is that perched on K-naus' head? I know he didn't use to have that much hair. Or that color.

3. (5) Mark Martin, Chevrolet, Carquest/GoDaddy.com

I am noticing a distinct lack of non-Hendrick cars in the top 4.

4. (88) Dale Earnhardt Jr., Chevrolet, National Guard/Amp Energy

Junior Junior must make Junior fairly vengeance-proof. Employer or not, if he pulled that snake-in-the-cooler prank and then put it on YouTube, most people I know would hurt him. I would certainly consider introducing Junior Junior to a pair of tweezers.

A small pair.

5. (27) Paul Menard, Chevrolet, Schrock Cabinetry/Menards

Shrock the Sideburn is making cabinets now? Paul really needs a razor.

6. (09) Landon Cassill, Chevrolet, Thank A Teacher Today/Security Benefit

Ah, Dega. Where anybody can qualify anywhere and finish anywhere.

7. (6) David Ragan, Ford, UPS "We Love Logistics"

Obviously the RCSOQ is not to be swayed by Logistics.

8. (22) Kurt Busch, Dodge, Shell/Pennzoil-AAA

Dumbo apparently ran out of slashes. *insert your own fanfic joke*

9. (83) Brian Vickers, Toyota, Red Bull

Much better.

10. (33) Clint Bowyer, Chevrolet, BB&T

I have nothing on Clint. So I'll entertain y'all with the latest installment of the Mayfield Saga: Germy is now accusing NASCAR of forcing Speed to edit his interview with Steve Byrnes.

Is it just me, or does Germy seem more like a temper-tantrum-throwing toddler with every new installment?

11. (21) Trevor Bayne, Ford, Good Sam Club/Camping World

Bayne is apparently better after being bitten by a Mystery Insect last week. No word on whether or not his mutant superpowers are developing on schedule.

12. (15) Michael Waltrip, Toyota, Aaron's/Auburn National Champions

Mikey is apparently going to race Le Mans. In France. I would pay money for film of Mikey vs. Le Frenchypeople.

13. (42) Juan Pablo Montoya, Chevrolet, Target

The Glades will be featuring a NASCAR-themed episode filmed at Homestead. No word on what drivers, if any, will be making an appearance.

14. (00) David Reutimann, Toyota, Aaron's Dream Machine

From the echoing "Awwwwwwwwws" across the country, I'm guessing everybody else just saw the new daddy-and-daughter Aaron's commercial too.

15. (47) Bobby Labonte, Toyota, Bush's Baked Beans

Local radio station is offering a contest to win lunch with a "2-time Cup Champion." Does anybody besides Bobby, Terry, and Tony qualify?

16. (43) A.J. Allmendinger, Ford, Best Buy

Ayjay, you're getting as attached to 16th as Teh Squish is to 19th. Was this part of the original Red Bull Indoctrination Seminar?

17. (16) Greg Biffle, Ford, 3M Scotch-Blue Painter's Tape

Biffle finally got around to re-signing with Roush. Like Harvick re-signing with Childress, this wasn't really a surprise, despite the protestations of Chris Meyers.

18. (78) Regan Smith, Chevrolet, Furniture Row Companies

1878: The Lincoln County War begins, an event later filtered to most of my generation via the movie Young Guns.

19. (2) Brad Keselowski, Dodge, Miller Lite

Now how am I supposed to make a factoid out of that? 1920? 1902? That's just cheating, Kezzy.

20. (99) Carl Edwards, Ford, Aflac

Flipper prices are staying high.

21. (1) Jamie McMurray, Chevrolet, Bass Pro Shops/Tracker

I understand that Jamie and Ellyut spent most of today's race making up for lost time.

22. (87) Joe Nemechek, Toyota, NEMCO Motorsports

Joe almost finished on the front row in the Nationwide race. Weird.

23. (39) Ryan Newman, Chevrolet, Haas Automation

Good. This would be a bad weekend for the Tornados sponsor. Although I understand that the twister that went through Sanford was not a Jimmie Johnson fan, as it flattened a Lowe's. (No one was hurt.)

24. (9) Marcos Ambrose, Ford, Dewalt

Meanwhile, can you imagine being at the track when that system came through? Or being the poor fireman who had to evacuate several thousand highly drunken members of Junior Nation?

25. (17) Matt Kenseth, Ford, Crown Royal Black

I remember waking up to hear maveness saying that he won. Then I conked out and woke up post post-race.

26. (56) Martin Truex Jr., Toyota, NAPA Auto Parts

Truex needs to be careful. I think Root is beating him in the commercial-appearance race.

27. (31) Jeff Burton, Chevrolet, Cat Financial

2031. Is it so very hard? Is Waterworks anti-Warrant fangirls?

28. (38) Travis Kvapil, Ford, Long John Silver's/TMone

Welcome back, Waffle! Now, would you loan some courage to your namesake? He's turning into a scaredy-cat.

29. (11) Denny Hamlin, Toyota, FedEx Office

*checks watch* Still bitter.

30. (14) Tony Stewart, Chevrolet, Office Depot/Mobil 1

My mother is telling me that Stewart has a girlfriend. Can I get verification from other people?

31. (4) Kasey Kahne, Toyota, Red Bull

Red Bull is putting fan pictures on the car at Charlotte. I don't know why.

32. (97) Kevin Conway, Toyota, Extenze

Yeah, I got nothing.

33. (35) Steve Park, Chevrolet, Tommy Baldwin Racing





34. (18) Kyle Busch, Toyota, M&M's Pretzel

Pretzel: An all-purpose term for what the cars will look like post-Big One.

35. (36) Dave Blaney, Chevrolet, Golden Corral

Wow, Dave. I recognize that sponsor.

36. (20) Joey Logano, Toyota, The Home Depot

Aw. Did poor widdle Stale Roll let somebody else wear the firesuit?

37. (71) Andy Lally, Ford, Interstate Moving Services

3771 is an excellent color, though not as useful as 3371.

38. (29) Kevin Harvick, Chevrolet, Budweiser

Apropos of nothing, the TV show I'm currently watching, in one of those funny brand-name coverups they used to do, labeled an obvious Bud as a Bewd.

39. (34) David Gilliland, Ford, Taco Bell

Yo quiero carne.

No, seriously, I am craving meat something fierce. I had my B12 shot. And tuna for breakfast. Why do I still want meat?

40. (13) Casey Mears, Toyota, GEICO

I suspect the Gecko will get smashed.

41. (32) Terry Labonte, Ford, C&J Energy

Why is it that it doesn't bother me when Terry randomly appears out of retirement? Oh, wait, he's personable. And, like a certain sorely-missed Virginian wookiee, he's trypanophobic.

42. (7) Sam Hornish Jr., Dodge, Fast Five/Speed Energy

For Dega, we have replaced Crash with Smash. Let's see if the caution count notices.

43. (46) Bill Elliott, Chevrolet, Red Line Oil

Someday, they're gonna make you retire.

Did Not Qualify

(37) Tony Raines, Ford, Front Row Motorsports


(60) Mike Skinner, Toyota, Big Red

No Big Red spins?

(66) Michael McDowell, Toyota, HP Racing LLC

It's okay. Everybody knows you only make the highlight reel at Texas.
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