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08 April 2011 @ 10:38 pm
Pole Follies: Texas  

...'cause really, the only reason to have a night race at Texas is because NASCAR knows everybody's already cuddled up with their pillows in anticipation of the snoozefest.

1. (6) David Ragan, Ford, UPS Freight

Well, I don't know about the goats, but I damned near fainted.

2. (99) Carl Edwards, Ford, Scotts

Flipper must be doing double-takes. He's behind Ragan.

3. (33) Clint Bowyer, Chevrolet, Cheerios/Hamburger Helper

Triple Threat for Clint!

4. (17) Matt Kenseth, Ford, Crown Royal Black

Well, this can't be good.

Oh, wait, this is Texas. Ahem.

This just ain't no good.

5. (78) Regan Smith, Chevrolet, Farm American/Furniture Row/Agro-Culture Liquid Fertilizers

Regan, hon, got enough sponsors there? Should we borrow one from Nationwide?

6. (48) Jimmie Johnson, Chevrolet, Lowe's/Kobalt Tools
7. (9) Marcos Ambrose, Ford, Stanley
8. (20) Joey Logano, Toyota, The Home Depot

Speaking of home improvement and power tools, the executives at Echo Chainsaws must never plan to fly again, considering that they just ran an ad where the security guy was too busy grabbing the spokesactor's crotch to notice the carry-on chainsaw.

And no, neither one of those was a euphemism. There was a crotch-grab on my teevee, the likes of which has not been seen since Michael Jackson's last TV appearance.

9. (16) Greg Biffle, Ford, 3M

Alas, poor Biffle. I have no material on him.

10. (22) Kurt Busch, Dodge, Shell/Pennzoil
11. (18) Kyle Busch, Toyota, Interstate Batteries

Who ordered the family feud?

12. (31) Jeff Burton, Chevrolet, Caterpillar

In my dreams, I buy Caterpillar and order the removal of the back-up beepers from the entire fleet. Then I sleep past 7 without having dreams about the damned things.

13. (4) Kasey Kahne, Toyota, Red Bull

Did I hear that it's his birthday this week? What's he gonna be, 15? 16?

14. (42) Juan Paolo Montoya, Chevrolet, Target

*looks at what she typed*

*giggles*

LARRY MAC! LOOK WHAT YOU MADE ME DO! THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE PABLO, YOU--YOU--YOU ALABAMIAN WEATHER CHANNEL ADDICT YOU!

15. (43) A.J. Allmendinger, Ford, Valvoline

This is what, Ayjay's 7th sponsor this year?

16. (39) Ryan Newman, Chevrolet, U.S. Army Reserve

I had to try to explain the Newmanbaby's name to my mother last weekend. Three times. I don't know if she didn't know what Brooklyn was, didn't know what sage is, or just didn't believe me.

17. (1) Jamie McMurray, Chevrolet, Bass Pro Shops/Tracker

I haven't been to Bass Pro Shops in forever. I think I need a fix.

18. (21) Trevor Bayne, Ford, Motorcraft/Quick Lane Tire & Auto Center

1821: Remember the funky Icelandic volcano that nobody could pronounce last year? It also erupted in 1821.

19. (27) Paul Menard, Chevrolet, Quaker State/Menards

1927: Heisenberg formulates the Uncertainty Principle, but fails to discover a principle to explain either Menard's sideburns or his career.

20. (66) Michael McDowell, Toyota, HP Racing LLC

According to Wiki, not even fictional events are scheduled for 2066.

21. (5) Mark Martin, Chevrolet, GoDaddy.com

THIS JUST IN: Mike Helton worse actor than Mark Martin.

If you don't believe me, well, just wait till you see the new commercial for the All-Star Race.

22. (13) Casey Mears, Toyota, GEICO

TEH SNRCH!

23. (11) Denny Hamlin, Toyota, FedEx Office/March of Dimes

Just don't FedEx them the donation, or it will get left on a porch in the pouring rain and disintegrate.

Bitter? Moi?

24. (09) Landon Cassill, Chevrolet, Thank A Teacher Today/Security Benefit

Not bad, Lando. Of course, vast numbers of Star Wars fans will hate you just because.

25. (00) David Reutimann, Toyota, Aaron's Dream Machine

I have only one dream. Please hit the 48 and continue to make it come true.

26. (14) Tony Stewart, Chevrolet, Mobil 1/Office Depot

So, my mother mentioned that he has a girlfriend now? Has the Pole Follies readership failed me so very badly?

27. (2) Brad Keselowski, Dodge, Miller Lite

Kezzy's luck this year is so bad he thinks I'm pulling for him.

28. (88) Dale Earnhardt Jr., Chevrolet, Amp Energy/National Guard

Thanks a lot, Junior. I had a pretty good nap going when you took the lead and my mother yelled and woke me up.

29. (29) Kevin Harvick, Chevrolet, Budweiser

RCSOQ for Harvick, who broke the hearts of Junior Nation last week--but chances are, like my family, they'll forgive him since he a: worked for it and b: kept Johnson and Busch out of Victory Lane.

30. (83) Brian Vickers, Toyota, Red Bull

Um. It's not 19th?

31. (56) Martin Truex Jr., Toyota, NAPA Auto Parts

I think the best part of the Scrubby Sponsifier commercial is the Truex cameo.

32. (24) Jeff Gordon, Chevrolet, DuPont

Who are you and what have you done with Jeffypoo?

33. (95) David Starr, Ford, WRL General Contractors

With this many Davids in the field, it looks like one of my family reunions. You yell "David" and 47 people yell back "What?"

34. (47) Bobby Labonte, Toyota, Bush's Baked Beans

There's a joke to be made here about manufacturing one's own gas, but I'm classier than that.

35. (46) J.J. Yeley, Chevrolet, Red Line Oil

Is this the sponsor that keeps adding adjectives every week it's on the same car?

36. (60) Mike Skinner, Toyota, Big Red

Like chewing gum is going to keep him from spinning someone.

37. (87) Joe Nemechek, Toyota, NEMCO Motorsports

Pity this can't be the only Joe in the field.

38. (36) Dave Blaney, Chevrolet, Accell Construction

No RCSOQ, but good work on keeping a Real Sponsor (tm).

39. (7) Robby Gordon, Dodge, Fast Five/Speed Energy

Any movie that can only afford to sponsor Crash cannot be all that great.

40. (34) David Gilliland, Ford, Gander Mountain

Dammit, yo still quiero! They sell tackleboxes!

41. (32) Ken Schrader, Ford, Big Red

Schrader, on the other hand, can probably turn a wad of chewing gum into a semi-working engine.

42. (37) Tony Raines, Ford, Front Row Motorsports

Is not, Good Tony.

43. (71) Andy Lally, Ford, Interstate Moving Services

I read that as "Internet Moving Services" and had quite the moment of cognitive dissonance.

Did Not Qualify

(38) Travis Kvapil, Ford, Long John Silver's/TMone

This is not a good week for Waffles. (The other one is currently scared shitless of a cat half his size who has recently been rechristened "Mittens.")
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I am: chipperchipper
listening to: NW Texas
 
 
 
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