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26 March 2011 @ 07:15 pm
Pole Follies: California  

1. (42) Juan Pablo Montoya, Chevrolet, Target

Oh, goodie. Larry Mac will have plenty of opportunity to mangle his name during the pre-race.

2. (11) Denny Hamlin, Toyota, FedEx Office

I'm both bitter about the last FedEx delivery, and traumatized over the Damnlin Sponsifier commercial. So, yeah, I got nothing nice to say about the man this week.

3. (20) Joey Logano, Toyota, The Home Depot

I hate you, and your little moppet too.

4. (78) Regan Smith, Chevrolet, Furniture Row Companies

Damn, Regan. You get a little confidence and bam, you turn into a driver.

5. (14) Tony Stewart, Chevrolet, Office Depot/Mobil 1

Bluto has been annoyingly well-behaved lately. Somebody go steal his doughnuts.

6. (6) David Ragan, Ford, UPS "We Love Logistics"

RCSOQ for Ragan and the Fainting Goats (the next rock sensation)!

7. (31) Jeff Burton, Chevrolet, Caterpillar

Is it just me, or has Jeffybuhton turned into the Childress whipping boy?

8. (18) Kyle Busch, Toyota, Interstate Batteries

May you have all the luck a green car deserves.

9. (39) Ryan Newman, Chevrolet, U.S. Army

Well, at least you're not in a Tornado this week.

10. (5) Mark Martin, Chevrolet, GoDaddy.com

GoAwayGranddaddy gets the Dumbo SOQ.

11. (17) Matt Kenseth, Ford, Crown Royal

I have nothing to say about the Evil One, so allow me to announce: WISTERIA!

12. (1) Jamie McMurray, Chevrolet, Bass Pro Shops/Tracker

No Bass Boat Song. I guess he's depressed due to lack of Sadler.

13. (9) Marcos Ambrose, Ford, Dewalt

Nobody called him Kenseth last week. I am so disappointed.

14. (00) David Reutimann, Toyota, Aaron's/HP Partner of the Year

So is the partner David, Aaron's, Toyota, or something else altogether?

15. (27) Paul Menard, Chevrolet, Serta/Menards

Sideburns always brings the most appropriate sponsors.

16. (48) Jimmie Johnson, Chevrolet, Lowe's

1648: The last time any of us liked Jimmie Johnson.

17. (33) Clint Bowyer, Chevrolet, Reagan Presidential Foundation's Centennial Celebration/Childress Inst. for Pediatric Trauma

I can't say much about this. The Childress Institute for Pediatric Trauma, although severely lacking in a working web page, is associated with Brenner's Children Hospital, without which you people would not be getting Pole Follies.

18. (99) Carl Edwards, Ford, Aflac

Gas prices ain't got nothing on Flipper prices.

19. (83) Brian Vickers, Toyota, Red Bull

AGAIN? Holy fuck, Brian.

20. (43) A.J. Allmendinger, Ford, Best Buy
21. (2) Brad Keselowski, Dodge, Miller Lite
22. (4) Kasey Kahne, Toyota, Red Bull

You have been warned: Provide me with material or else.

23. (22) Kurt Busch, Dodge, Auto Club

So close, yet no RCSOQ.

24. (29) Kevin Harvick, Chevrolet, Jimmy John's Gourmet Sandwiches

What, they don't drink Bud in California? The Junior fans never had any issue with it.

25. (13) Casey Mears, Toyota, GEICO


26. (56) Martin Truex Jr., Toyota, NAPA Auto Parts

NAPA: The only company on earth that would try to sell things via footage of Mikey shaking his ass.

27. (21) Trevor Bayne, Ford, Motorcraft/Quick Lane Tire & Auto Center

Oh, no. I started to say something, and then I had a Harry Potter flash, and now...well...y'all remember Neville's toad, right?

28. (09) Landon Cassill, Chevrolet, Thank A Teacher Today/Security Benefit

Okay, I know I wasn't able to post on Twitter last week because of technical difficulties, but I thought at least one of the Star Wars freaks in the readership would comment on the Lando Cassillrian bit.

29. (24) Jeff Gordon, Chevrolet, Drive to End Hunger

From Daytona to California. You'd think he'd've gotten some donations already.

30. (88) Dale Earnhardt Jr., Chevrolet, Amp Energy/National Guard

Now this is where we expect you to qualify.

31. (36) Dave Blaney, Chevrolet, Accell Construction

I think this is the longest Dave's had a Real Sponsor(tm) since he was driving for Childress.

32. (16) Greg Biffle, Ford, 3M

Hm. Another DSOQ.

33. (66) Michael McDowell, Toyota, HP Racing LLC

And a JPMSOQ. Well, if we can't have RCSOQs, at least somebody's working at it.

34. (47) Bobby Labonte, Toyota, Little Debbie

I had Swiss Rolls yesterday. Yum.

35. (7) Robby Gordon, Dodge, Speed Energy/Food 4 Less

Okay, this Gordon has cheap food, and the other Gordon wants to end hunger. I think it's a match made in heaven.

36. (38) Travis Kvapil, Ford, Long John Silver's
37. (34) David Gilliland, Ford, Taco Bell

Now, we just need to get Waffle and Gillyweed on the anti-hunger thing, and we'll be all set. Old people like tacos, right?

38. (71) Andy Lally, Chevrolet, Super Eco-Fuel Saver

Shall we just call him LOLly and be done with it? What say ye, readers?

39. (32) Ken Schrader, Ford, VA Mortgage Center


Oh, come on. It's KEN BLOODY SCHRADER. What's not to love?

40. (87) Joe Nemechek, Toyota, NEMCO Motorsports

Boy, did you ever take a wrong turn.

41. (60) Todd Bodine, Toyota, Big Red

*sings* Bliiiiiiiiiiinded by the liiiiiiiiiiiiight......

42. (37) Tony Raines, Ford, Race Fuel Energy Drink

Yay! Good Tony!

43. (46) J.J. Yeley, Chevrolet, Red Line Oil

No, you cannot has RCSOQ. Quit trying.

Wait, where's my did not qualify list? Nobody didn't qualify? Well. I guess the drivers have figured out how boring California is too.
I am: amusedamused
listening to: NW California