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10 July 2010 @ 10:01 am
Pole Follies: Chicago  

Sorry about last week. Couldn't stay awake long enough to put anything together. You may blame maveness and eliz. And Build-A-Bear.

1. (1) Jamie McMurray, Chevrolet, McDonald's

RCSOQ for McMerry!

Also, there's a rumor that he's working drive-thru somewhere? Is this to pay for building a nursery?

2. (48) Jimmie Johnson, Chevrolet, Lowe's

The Johnsonbaby has arrived, with abysmally poor timing for those of us who were wanting to watch the crew yank Jimbo out of the car pre-race. Name has not yet been announced, although I keep waking up and thinking the tyke's been named Amelia.

Now, I know I'm not a parent and never will be, but isn't 9 months enough to figure out at least a nickname? I think we were calling eliz's kid "Boo" before the first sonogram.

("Baby J" is not a nickname, it's something you put on a hospital bracelet.)

3. (14) Tony Stewart, Chevrolet, Office Depot/Old Spice "Back to School"

Back to school. From a driver voted "Most Likely Never To Breed." Oy.

4. (16) Greg Biffle, Ford, 3M Filtrete


5. (77) Sam Hornish Jr., Dodge, Mobil 1

Okay, who let Smash up here? Didn't we learn our lesson about putting Smash up front last week?

6. (24) Jeff Gordon, Chevrolet, DuPont

The next person that says anything about the forthcoming Gordonbaby automatically being the next great racer just because it'll have XY chromosomes gets the shit smacked out of them. And when Ella's done, I'll hit you.

7. (00) David Reutimann, Toyota, Tums

Might want to send some of those over to Juan Paolo Mantoy.

8. (98) Paul Menard, Ford, Moen/Menards

Who keeps telling Sideburns he can drive?

9. (56) Martin Truex Jr., Toyota, NAPA Auto Parts

NAPA, in a desperate attempt to prove that Trufax has a personality, is offering free in-car audio to people who register at NAPAonline.com.

If 1,000 people sign up, Truex has promised to sing that extremely annoying jingle on the pace lap, a rendition that will probably be questionable enough to get his future offspring banned from the pre-race ceremonies at the August Bristol race.

10. (42) Juan Pablo Montoya, Chevrolet, Target

I was rather impressed. Mantoy's head did not explode live on national teevee.

11. (99) Carl Edwards, Ford, Aflac Silver

Lemme guess. After failing to find success with the pre-K set during the Toy Story 3 marketing blitz, the duck is now going after senior citizens.

12. (9) Kasey Kahne, Ford, Budweiser

Kandy, Kandy.... *shuffles notes* *gets distracted by shiny picture of somebody else* *wanders back a couple of hours later* Nope, nothing on Kandy.

13. (43) A.J. Allmendinger, Ford, Best Buy's Geek Squad

Best known as "the incompetents who inspired the 'Nerd Herd' on Chuck."

14. (31) Jeff Burton, Chevrolet, Caterpillar

There's a quote from Jeffybuhton in the NOL story about the Johnsonbaby's arrival. Print does not do that man justice when he goes sarcastic.

15. (33) Clint Bowyer, Chevrolet, Cheerios/Hamburger Helper

I was sorta pulling for Clint last week, which undoubtedly explains his little side trip through the grass.

16. (19) Elliott Sadler, Ford, Stanley/Ace/Children's Miracle Network

Ellyut will not be returning to this ride next year, to which anybody who's been paying any attention says "duh."

Meanwhile, Stanley will give $1 million to sick kidlets via CMN if Ellyut wins. After reading about Wyatt's health problems, I am trying very hard to not pull for Ellyut (since that is the kiss of death). We intestinal-surgery peoples have to stick together.

17. (11) Denny Hamlin, Toyota, FedEx Ground

Damn you, Damnlin.

Why? Well, as they say near Erect, Whynot? /local geographical joke

18. (20) Joey Logano, Toyota, The Home Depot

I didn't make it through the Nationwide race last night. Damn Gibbs cars.

19. (39) Ryan Newman, Chevrolet, Haas Automation

Speaking of people named Amelia, in 1939 Amelia Earhart was declared officially dead.

20. (09) Bobby Labonte, Chevrolet, Coke Zero

Um, Bobby, not that I have any objections whatsoever to you being this high in the field, but isn't that the wrong car? Or have you taken up Musical Vehicles in your old age?

21. (5) Mark Martin, Chevrolet, GoDaddy.com

Report: Cryptkeeper threatens to glare viciously at next person to ask him where he'll be driving after Kandy takes over

22. (2) Kurt Busch, Dodge, Miller Lite/Vortex

Dumbo is getting very good at driving falling-apart cars. Perhaps when he retires from NASCAR, he can take up Demolition Derby.

23. (47) Marcos Ambrose, Toyota, Clorox/Kleenex

Pass me some of that Clorox. My supplies are running low. My mother visited the other week.

24. (83) Reed Sorenson, Toyota, Red Bull

Reed exists. Which is nice and all, but I'd rather have Teh Squish.

25. (88) Dale Earnhardt Jr., Chevrolet, Amp Energy/National Guard

I'm still deaf from the screaming of Junior Nation last week.

26. (6) David Ragan, Ford, UPS Freight

We have not heard news of the goats in some time. We are not pleased.

27. (29) Kevin Harvick, Chevrolet, Shell/Pennzoil

I wonder if Harvick now feels pressure to win a championship to defend the honor of She Who Wears The Firesuit (And Don't You Forget It Either, Bud).

28. (87) Joe Nemechek, Toyota, FrontRowJoe.com

'Tain't the front row, ol' Joe.

29. (21) Bill Elliott, Ford, Motorcraft/Quick Lane Tire & Auto Center

Yeah, it was about time for this bad penny to show up.

30. (12) Brad Keselowski, Dodge, Penske Racing

I got nothing on Kezzy. I really do try to ignore him.

31. (13) Max Papis, Toyota, GEICO

CMPSOQ for Il Gecko Italiano!

32. (71) Landon Cassill, Chevrolet, TRG Motorsports

Hm. Nationwide driver? Sounds familiar, but I can't place it.

33. (18) Kyle Busch, Toyota, Snickers

Snicker? Moi?

Oh, okay. *snicker*

34. (17) Matt Kenseth, Ford, Crown Royal Black

The Kenseths have learned what the Flippers have not: There ain't no baby 'til she shows up at a race.

35. (36) Casey Mears, Chevrolet, Tommy Baldwin Racing


Did we mention that this car, with Steve Park in it, finished 13th last week? 13TH, BITCHES.

Um. Sorry. Sometimes my loyalty to the Head Injury Brigade just runs away with me. And since Snrch is right on schedule to join them....

36. (26) David Stremme, Ford, Air National Guard/GTWGPS.com

Don't be blaming Stremme.

37. (32) Mike Bliss, Toyota, Braun Racing

The field is Blissful.

38. (7) Robby Gordon, Toyota, Mapei/Menards

At least when this 7 crashes, we won't have to listen to lap-by-lap updates for the rest of the race.

39. (82) Scott Speed, Toyota, Red Bull

Rumor has Mark Martin going to Red Bull sometime in the future. Honestly, who would want the Cryptkeeper rather than Speed?

40. (37) David Gilliland, Ford, Taco Bell

Mm. Yo quiero. When do they open again?

41. (78) Regan Smith, Chevrolet, Furniture Row Companies

Hm. Nothing on Regan, except mild surprise that the car is still running, considering all the other sponsors that keep vanishing.

42. (34) Kevin Conway, Ford, Extenze

14th. You gotta love Daytona some days.

Of course, the rest of the time, it's okay to hate it.

43. (38) Travis Kvapil, Ford, Long John Silver's

Woohoo! The Dread Pyrate Waffle returns!

Meanwhile, the Dread Kitty Waffle has a bit of an eye infection and is suddenly scared of his kitty door. I don't know what to do with him some days.

Did Not Qualify

(46) J.J. Yeley, Dodge, Whitney Motorsports

No fair. If we can't have Teh Squish, we should at least get Teh Squash.

(55) Michael McDowell, Toyota, Prism Motorsports
(66) Dave Blaney, Toyota, Prism Motorsports

Teamwork: You're doing it wrong.

(64) Todd Bodine, Toyota, Gunselman Motorsports

*refrains from singing Corey Hart song about sunglasses*
Tags: ,
I am: awakeawake, dammitall
listening to: The Nitty Gritty Dirt Band - Two Out Of Three Ain't Bad
maveness on July 10th, 2010 11:54 pm (UTC)
6. (24) Jeff Gordon, Chevrolet, DuPont

The next person that says anything about the forthcoming Gordonbaby automatically being the next great racer just because it'll have XY chromosomes gets the shit smacked out of them. And when Ella's done, I'll hit you.

FTW and AMEN!!!