Pole Follies

Pole Follies: Homestead

2009-11-22T00:02:17Z

1. (48) Jimmie Johnson, Chevrolet, Lowe's

Okay, here's what we do. You, kidnap K-naus. Hide him well. You, steal Chandra's contraceptives. You, spike the water supply with fertility drugs. You and you, eliminate Martin and Scrub so we don't have to risk them winning next year.

2. (82) Scott Speed, Toyota, Red Bull

Taking that surname to heart?

3. (47) Marcos Ambrose, Toyota, Little Debbie Cupcakes/Kingsford/Clorox

Must buy Swiss Rolls. No, really, I need to do that in the morning to break a $20 so that I'll have change for church.

4. (5) Mark Martin, Chevrolet, Kellogg's/Carquest

I wonder why they're playing the Doctor Who theme.

5. (14) Tony Stewart, Chevrolet, Office Depot/Old Spice
6. (29) Kevin Harvick, Chevrolet, Shell/Pennzoil

There's trouble waiting to happen.

7. (39) Ryan Newman, Chevrolet, U.S. Army/All-American Bowl

All-American bowl of what?

8. (16) Greg Biffle, Ford, 3M

JPMSOQ!

9. (21) Bill Elliott, Ford, Motorcraft

Oh, and while we're getting rid of Martin, somebody take this one off too.

10. (33) Clint Bowyer, Chevrolet, Cheerios/Hamburger Helper

I would really like some HH Stroganoff. I don't have any sour cream, though. *sadface*

11. (26) Jamie McMurray, Ford, Crown Royal

I'm with maveness. Bass Pro Shops' ad people are exceedingly stupid if they can't make an ad campaign out of McMerry's Wilderness Makeover.

12. (2) Kurt Busch, Dodge, Miller Lite

Well, it's not having your tire beat you off pit road, but some guy has already lost his window. Apparently it shattered.

Is Homestead part of the Bermuda Triangle?

13. (44) A.J. Allmendinger, Ford, Ford. Drive one.

No.

14. (1) Martin Truex Jr., Chevrolet, Bass Pro Shops/Tracker

All season, and not one Bass Boat Song. *sniffle*

15. (07) Casey Mears, Chevrolet, Jack Daniel's

Snrch. Sigh.

16. (78) Regan Smith, Chevrolet, Furniture Row Companies

1678: The first fire engine company in the future US begins service.

17. (02) David Gilliland, Toyota, Farm Bureau Insurance

1702: Queen Anne inherits the British throne. Poor woman has 17 kids and not one of them survives to inherit.

18. (36) Michael McDowell, Toyota, Wave Energy Drink

1836: A whole bunch of uninteresting but bloody stuff happens in Texas.

19. (71) Bobby Labonte, Chevrolet, TaxSlayer.com
20. (24) Jeff Gordon, Chevrolet, DuPont
21. (19) Elliott Sadler, Dodge, Best Buy

Nothing against Bobby, and you all know how I am about Ellyut, but Jeffypoo, you better get the hell out of there quick or you're gonna be the first caution.

22. (00) David Reutimann, Toyota, Aaron's Dream Machine

Apropos of nothing, I am very tired of seeing Darius Rucker, he who made college miserable by polluting the airwaves with his so-called musical group, on my TV screen.

23. (42) Juan Pablo Montoya, Chevrolet, Target

So close to a CMPSOQ, and yet so far.

24. (99) Carl Edwards, Ford, Aflac

Flipper prices wind up in the middle.

25. (9) Kasey Kahne, Dodge, Budweiser

Apropos of nothing, I am working on Pole Follies mainly because my Farmville farm is out of coins and I don't want to work on my articles for Ethics.

26. (31) Jeff Burton, Chevrolet, Caterpillar

Jeffybuhton is doing suspiciously well in the Nationwide race.

27. (12) Brad Keselowski, Dodge, Penske Racing

Best. Retort. Ever.

(After being intentionally spun out by Damnlin: "Woohoo! That was fun!")

28. (37) Travis Kvapil, Chevrolet, Long John Silver's

It's a DREAD PIRATE WAFFLE!

Not to be confused with the Dread Orange Cat Waffle, who is currently curled up on his back on top of three books and a can of chicken.

29. (77) Sam Hornish Jr., Dodge, Mobil 1

Poor Smash. All the wrecking responsibility will be solely on him tomorrow.

30. (18) Kyle Busch, Toyota, M&M's

Scrub is now bitching that Roush cars are doing suspiciously well. In other words, "JAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON! THEY'RE PASSING ME! JAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON!"

31. (96) Erik Darnell, Ford, Hall of Fame Racing

*glares suspiciously*

32. (88) Dale Earnhardt Jr., Chevrolet, National Guard/Amp Energy

*stuffs cotton in ears in anticipation of wails of Junior Nation*

33. (83) Brian Vickers, Toyota, Red Bull

Squish. Dude.

34. (17) Matt Kenseth, Ford, Dewalt

My mother called and asked if that "fat little baby" was Kenseth's. Like I pay attention to the prerace crap.

35. (20) Joey Logano, Toyota, Home Depot

Since no one has mentioned it, I'm guessing the celebration food for ROTY is Rolled Oatmeal Cookies?

36. (98) Paul Menard, Ford, Johns Manville/Menards

The only other person with sideburns like that is a future vessel of Lucifer. /SPN joke

37. (7) Matt Crafton, Toyota, Mapei/Menards

Wait, where's Crash? *eyes suspiciously* Are you our savior or just one of his employees?

38. (11) Denny Hamlin, Toyota, FedEx Express

News flash: Damnlin a moron. Film at 11.

39. (55) Michael Waltrip, Toyota, NAPA Auto Parts

Mikey has a new commercial.

40. (34) John Andretti, Chevrolet, Taco Bell

Hm. Yo could go for some Taco Bell. But I've got Bambi thawing.

41. (6) David Ragan, Ford, UPS

Does Ragan have a ride for next year? The way his performance has gone, I'm not sure.

In unrelated news, Ragan and The Goats would make an excellent rock band.

42. (43) Reed Sorenson, Dodge, Siemens

Just had to try for that RCSOQ, didn't you?

43. (08) Terry Labonte, Toyota, FanCar

You don't have this fan's car. *sticks out tongue, because I am twelve*

Did Not Qualify

(09) David Stremme, Chevrolet, Miccosukee Resort & Gaming

Alas, poor Stremme.

(13) Max Papis, Toyota, GEICO

No! Not Il Gecko Italiano!

(66) Dave Blaney, Toyota, Prism Motorsports

The Denny Hamlin Foundation was unavailable?

(70) Mike Skinner, Chevrolet, Adobe Road Winery

I saw the best headline several years back: "Skinner learned about whine from Childress"

(87) Joe Nemechek, Toyota, NEMCO Motorsports

Joe, this ain't the front row.

And that's it for 2009, unless I do a points recap, which will largely depend on how much work I'm avoiding. See you at Speedweeks!

Pole Follies: Phoenix

2009-11-15T02:42:32Z

1. (1) Martin Truex Jr., Chevrolet, Rain-X
2. (2) Kurt Busch, Dodge, Miller Lite

Double the RCSOQ, double the...well, I wouldn't call it fun, precisely....

3. (48) Jimmie Johnson, Chevrolet, Lowe's

News flash: Nobody wants you to win.

4. (9) Kasey Kahne, Dodge, Budweiser

Don't worry, Kandy. I'm sure some day you'll outgrow being carded at movies.

5. (11) Denny Hamlin, Toyota, FedEx Ground

Denny, being the genius little Pied Whiner that he is, just threatened Kezzy on national teevee. Brilliant, dude.

6. (16) Greg Biffle, Ford, 3M

It must be the end of the season. I'm running out of material and nobody wants to do anything wacky enough to give me any.

7. (18) Kyle Busch, Toyota, Pedigree

Report: Scrub still a whiny little ass. In related news: sun rises in east.

8. (14) Tony Stewart, Chevrolet, Old Spice/Office Depot

Haven't heard much out of him lately.

9. (07) Casey Mears, Chevrolet, Jack Daniel's

He's so cute when he acts like a driver.

10. (5) Mark Martin, Chevrolet, Kellogg's/Carquest

You know, just because the announcers think you're the best invention since the wheel (which as we all know was invented the day before you were born) doesn't mean the rest of us do.

11. (55) Michael Waltrip, Toyota, NAPA Auto Parts

And what did you smoke to make you think you were a driver again?

12. (77) Sam Hornish Jr., Dodge, Mobil 1

Caution, lap 1.

13. (33) Clint Bowyer, Chevrolet, Cheerios/Hamburger Helper

I got nothing on Clint.

Then again, who cares, because Naydoo is at the track looking for funding for Grand Am racing next year. RACING NAYDOO FTW!

Um. I've mentioned the Nadeau fangirlishness, yes?

14. (24) Jeff Gordon, Chevrolet, DuPont

Hm. Maybe we're going at this wrong. Maybe the way to derail Johnson--next year, if nothing else--is to see about introducing a Johnsonbaby to the equation. It's sure worked for everybody else.

15. (00) David Reutimann, Toyota, Aaron's Dream Machine

Root prices continue to fluctuate.

16. (44) A.J. Allmendinger, Ford, Ford. Drive one.

No. And you can't make me.

17. (42) Juan Pablo Montoya, Chevrolet, Target

I'm running out of 1742 factoids, Juan.

18. (88) Dale Earnhardt Jr., Chevrolet, Amp Energy/National Guard

I'm torn. Do I use the Great Blizzard factoid or the Jack the Ripper factoid?

19. (83) Brian Vickers, Toyota, Red Bull

Teh Squish did another birth-year qualifying run.

20. (71) Bobby Labonte, Chevrolet, TRG Motorsports

It's a good thing we're getting close to the end of the season. The Pole Follies center of my brain has shut down completely.

21. (47) Marcos Ambrose, Toyota, Little Debbie/Kingsford/Clorox

Mmm. Swiss Rolls. I may have to purchase some before the race.

22. (7) Robby Gordon, Toyota, Jim Beam

Caution, lap 2.

23. (13) Max Papis, Toyota, GEICO

Not bad for an Italian Gecko.

24. (39) Ryan Newman, Chevrolet, U.S. Army

Report: Newman negotiating with Dega and Daytona for frequent flyer miles.

25. (99) Carl Edwards, Ford, Aflac

Told not to do flips, Flipper did a somersault.

26. (12) Brad Keselowski, Dodge, Penske Racing

The more Damnlin and Scrubby whine, the more I like him.

27. (20) Joey Logano, Toyota, Home Depot

I got nothing, except overwhelming disgust.

28. (17) Matt Kenseth, Ford, USG Sheetrock

You know, if Carhartt can continue to sponsor such a manly outdoorsman as Tofu, I really don't see what problem Bass Pro Shops has with McMerry.

Besides, I love shopping there, and I never buy anything for hunting and fishing. I buy cross-stitch supplies.

29. (09) David Gilliland, Chevrolet, Miccosukee Resort & Gaming

Gillyweed!

30. (26) Jamie McMurray, Ford, Irwin Marathon Saw Blades

This week, one of my textbooks covered something called the McMurray sign. I thought of my McMerry-obsessed readers.

31. (29) Kevin Harvick, Chevrolet, Shell/Pennzoil

Well, at least the company is winning with the trucks.

32. (66) Dave Blaney, Toyota, Prism Motorsports

See? You don't get sponsored by the Damnlin Foundation, you make the race. It's very simple logic.

33. (6) David Ragan, Ford, UPS

I think I hear a goat fainting.

34. (87) Joe Nemechek, Toyota, NEMCO Motorsports

Nimma.

No, I don't know. I'm just tired of start'n'park comments.

35. (19) Elliott Sadler, Dodge, Insignia

DUDE. The Start'n'Parks qualified better than you.

36. (31) Jeff Burton, Chevrolet, Cat Financial

When you absolutely, positively must lease that kitten in the window.

37. (82) Scott Speed, Toyota, Red Bull

Blue Duck.

I may be slightly sleep-deprived. Or possibly silly from hunger.

38. (36) Michael McDowell, Toyota, Wave Energy Drink

You haven't crashed spectacularly lately. We'll be needing a wake-up call about lap 200.

39. (96) Erik Darnell, Ford, Valvoline

I'm still not sure I know who he is. Who owns his ass--I mean, his contract?

40. (43) Reed Sorenson, Dodge, Paralyzed Veterans of America

I don't see this ending well.

41. (98) Paul Menard, Ford, Johns Manville/Menards

I'm even running out of sideburns jokes.

42. (34) John Andretti, Chevrolet, Taco Bell

Yo actually no quiero. At least, not this moment. Which is going to make supper rather difficult.

43. (37) Tony Raines, Chevrolet, Long John Silver's

Arrrrrrrrr, it be a Dread Pirate Raines, arrr.

Did Not Qualify

(02) Brandon Ash, Dodge, Efusjon Energy Club

That sponsor is going to the special hell for massacring normal spelling like that.

(70) Kevin Conway, Chevrolet, Extenze

It wasn't bad enough that you were humiliating him in Nationwide? You had to try to move to Cup?

(78) Regan Smith, Chevrolet, Furniture Row Companies

But that sponsor isn't humiliating or humiliatingly misspelled!

Pole Follies: Texas

2009-11-07T15:53:38Z

1. (24) Jeff Gordon, Chevrolet, DuPont

Ella, please.

2. (9) Kasey Kahne, Dodge, Budweiser

I see somebody got into the Halloween sugar stash.

3. (2) Kurt Busch, Dodge, Miller Lite
4. (14) Tony Stewart, Chevrolet, Office Depot/Old Spice
5. (18) Kyle Busch, Toyota, M&M's

*winces* Poor Bluto.

6. (99) Carl Edwards, Ford, Aflac

There was some confusion last week. Was the woman with him pre-race Mama Edwards or the Wife?

7. (5) Mark Martin, Chevrolet, Carquest/Kellogg's

It's a sad thing when your father threatens to disown you for not supporting Wrinkly. Especially when said father isn't so much a Mark Martin fan as an anti-Hendrick guy.

8. (16) Greg Biffle, Ford, 3M Scotch Super 33 Tape

I keep having images of MacGyver as Biffle's co-pilot.

9. (88) Dale Earnhardt Jr., Chevrolet, National Guard/Amp Energy

Danica Patrick is apparently signing with JR Motorsports, which is going to put Junior on my shitlist for awhile.

10. (33) Clint Bowyer, Chevrolet, Cheerios/Hamburger Helper

Mm. Hamburger Helper.

11. (77) Sam Hornish Jr., Dodge, AAA

AAA? Well, he does routinely need a tow.

12. (48) Jimmie Johnson, Chevrolet, Lowe's/Kobalt Tools

Okay, during the off-season, we kidnap K-naus and hide him someplace. I've got a cousin in Switzerland.

13. (00) David Reutimann, Toyota, Aaron's Dream Machine

Tums will sponsor Root next year.

Well, I guess if you're gonna be using a lot of the product, you might as well get some money from them too.

14. (20) Joey Logano, Toyota, Home Depot

In house-related news, my moron cat has managed to make a kitty door in the storm door by the simple expedient of headbutting the screen until he made a hole big enough to squeeze through.

15. (83) Brian Vickers, Toyota, Red Bull

TEH SQUISH!

16. (44) A.J. Allmendinger, Ford, Ford. Drive one.

Make me.

17. (6) David Ragan, Ford, UPS/Boys & Girls Clubs

I see it now: UPS delivering massive deliveries of fainting goats to unsuspecting afterschool clubs.

18. (43) Reed Sorenson, Dodge, Valvoline

Reed and Snrch may apparently be fighting it out for the high-powered #09.

19. (47) Marcos Ambrose, Toyota, Kingsford/Clorox/Little Debbie

1947: The Dead Sea Scrolls are discovered. Reports that Mark Martin's high school diploma was one of the documents are unsubstantiated.

20. (42) Juan Pablo Montoya, Chevrolet, Target/Dream in Color

I do, incidentally. Which, on top of the crazed plotlines and gratuitous violence, makes for an interesting sleep life.

21. (02) David Gilliland, Toyota, Farm Bureau Insurance

Well, of course. Much cheaper to sponsor Gilly than Ayjay now.

22. (26) Jamie McMurray, Ford, Crown Royal

The end of the race last week was quite amusing. maveness forgot that it was a green-white-checker, and apparently my mother, in her continuing display of bad taste, doesn't like McMerry.

23. (70) Mike Skinner, Chevrolet, TRG Motorsports
24. (29) Kevin Harvick, Chevrolet, Shell/Pennzoil

*sigh* Remember the good old days, when those two could be counted on to introduce some action into the race?

25. (11) Denny Hamlin, Toyota, FedEx Office

Speaking of which, if I have to buy a new desktop, does anybody know where I can find a legal copy of Office 2003?

26. (39) Ryan Newman, Chevrolet, Haas Automation

Report: FFA fines No-Neck for flying without a pilot's license.

27. (1) Martin Truex Jr., Chevrolet, Bass Pro Shops/Tracker

I'm losing all hope of the Bass Boat Song.

I mean, really, can you imagine using the Bass Boat Song with McMerry?

28. (71) Bobby Labonte, Chevrolet, CBR Motorcars
29. (7) Robby Gordon, Toyota, Mapei/Menards
30. (17) Matt Kenseth, Ford, Dewalt

I feel like I'm staring at some sort of code in car numbers.

31. (82) Scott Speed, Toyota, Red Bull

Was he even at Dega?

32. (78) Regan Smith, Chevrolet, Furniture Row Companies

I got nothing.

33. (19) Elliott Sadler, Dodge, Stanley

If Trackside is any indication, Ellyut has some truly bizarre taste in Halloween costumes.

34. (87) Joe Nemechek, Toyota, NEMCO Motorsports

Typical 25-driver luck: the one race he plans to run, and he gets smacked by Sideburns.

35. (12) Brad Keselowski, Dodge, Penske Racing

Kezzy claims Penske didn't require him to shave; nobody believes him.

36. (07) Casey Mears, Chevrolet, Choctaw Casino Resort

Oh, fuck it. Have a cat.

37. (36) Michael McDowell, Toyota, Wave Energy Drink

Boom.

38. (96) Erik Darnell, Ford, Academy Sports + Outdoors

Who is this guy?

39. (98) Paul Menard, Ford, Vertis/Menards

Those sideburns made short work of the tires last week.

40. (55) Michael Waltrip, Toyota, NAPA Auto Parts

Yeah, nothing on Mikey.

41. (34) John Andretti, Chevrolet, Taco Bell

Yo quiero. *ponders*

42. (31) Jeff Burton, Chevrolet, Caterpillar

Jeffybuhton had a bad practice crash and will not be in the Nationwide race as scheduled. He will be replaced by Snrch, who will promptly crash.

43. (21) Bill Elliott, Ford, Motorcraft

Go. Away.

Did Not Qualify

(09) Mike Bliss, Dodge, Miccosukee Resort & Gaming
(13) Max Papis, Toyota, GEICO
(37) Tony Raines, Chevrolet, Long John Silver's

No Bliss? No Gecko Italiano? No Dread Pirate Tony? Ye gods, I hate Texas.

(66) Dave Blaney, Toyota, The Denny Hamlin Foundation

This is twice now, Dave. When are you guys going to learn that Damnlin is no good for you?

Pole Follies: Talladega

2009-11-01T02:49:14Z

The weather, at least, was scary. Qualifying was rained out, which means qualifying based on owner's points.

1. (48) Jimmie Johnson, Chevrolet, Lowe's

I don't like you and I don't want to write anything about you and I wish you and K-naus would just go ahead and run off to a tropical island already.

2. (5) Mark Martin, Chevrolet, Pop-Tarts/Carquest

Scary: Running into him in a dark alley.

3. (24) Jeff Gordon, Chevrolet, DuPont

Jeffy, please, I'm begging you--get your ass in gear and trample the other two. Please?

4. (14) Tony Stewart, Chevrolet, Office Depot/Old Spice

Bluto remains Bluto. Or so I hear.

5. (42) Juan Pablo Montoya, Chevrolet, Target

A very stupid sportscaster got suspended for making a taco-related comment about Juan Pablo.

I bet now he knows the difference between Mexico and Colombia.

6. (2) Kurt Busch, Dodge, Miller Lite

'Tis not only Halloween--it's Nevada Day. You may blame the Civil War.

7. (39) Ryan Newman, Chevrolet, U.S. Army

Newman remains no-necked.

8. (16) Greg Biffle, Ford, 3M Filtrete

Biffle gets the JPMSOQ.

9. (11) Denny Hamlin, Toyota, FedEx Express

Nothing on Damnlin, except my usual revulsion.

10. (99) Carl Edwards, Ford, Subway

10.99 is usually about my average bill at Subway. What? I like extras on my sandwiches.

11. (9) Kasey Kahne, Dodge, Budweiser

Report: Kandy dresses as adult male; nobody recognizes him

12. (83) Brian Vickers, Toyota, Red Bull

There was something about a chicken on the car...?

13. (18) Kyle Busch, Toyota, M&M's

Gibbs is replacing Scrub's crew chief. Yeah, because Scrubby has sucked so much, what with winning everything in sight. Whiny-ass crybaby.

14. (17) Matt Kenseth, Ford, Dewalt

Kenseth: More personality than any episode of Stargate Universe, even on his worst days.

15. (33) Clint Bowyer, Chevrolet, BB&T

I gots nothing on Clint. I gots nothing on nobody this week. Dega does that to me.

16. (00) David Reutimann, Toyota, Aaron's Dream Machine

I had disturbing dreams this afternoon, accented by the idiot neighbors who kept honking the horn for no apparent reason.

17. (47) Marcos Ambrose, Toyota, Clorox/Kingsford/Little Debbie

1747: Simon Fraser, Lord Lovat--familiar to those of you who read the Diana Gabaldon Outlander novels--was beheaded.

18. (31) Jeff Burton, Chevrolet, Caterpillar

Did you know that Joseph Hooker died on Halloween?

Why, yes, Pole Follies are kicking my ass. Why do you ask?

19. (07) Casey Mears, Chevrolet, Jack Daniel's

1907: Rudyard Kipling wins Nobel Prize in literature, the last time anything remotely readable won.

20. (20) Joey Logano, Toyota, Home Depot

I don't know if Stale Roll is old enough for an RCSOQ.

21. (29) Kevin Harvick, Chevrolet, Shell/Pennzoil

Well, at least it's not 1929. That was a depressing little October.

22. (26) Jamie McMurray, Ford, Irwin Marathon Saw Blades

What? No Saw XVIII tie-in?

23. (1) Martin Truex Jr., Chevrolet, Bass Pro Shops/Tracker

This.
Is.
Not.
A.
Bass.
Boat.
Eligible.
Spot.
Doofus.

24. (88) Dale Earnhardt Jr., Chevrolet, Amp Energy "Get on the 88"/National Guard

"Get on the 88"? This is the best ad campaign you could come up with? As many fangirls as Junior has?

25. (44) A.J. Allmendinger, Dodge, Best Buy

Ayjay got pulled over for drunk driving this week. Bad Ayjay.

On the other hand, at least he didn't run home and hide under his bed. Looking at you, Sot Wimmer.

26. (19) Elliott Sadler, Ford, Stanley

The upcoming Sadler is a boy. This will be the first male grandchild in a rather testosterone-happy family. I hope Mrs. Ellyut knows what she got into.

27. (77) Sam Hornish Jr., Dodge, Mobil 1

Smash renewed my faith last week, by smashing multiple times.

28. (6) David Ragan, Ford, UPS

I am still waiting for the terrible crash in which UPS takes out FedEx.

29. (43) Reed Sorenson, Dodge, Liberty Medical

Does that come with a guest appearance by Wilford Brimley?

30. (12) David Stremme, Dodge, Penske Racing

Apropos of nothing, especially Stremme, isn't it sad when you can be watching a movie and know where it's filmed just because you've seen that same tree and creek on Stargate, The X-Files, and Supernatural?

31. (96) Erik Darnell, Ford, Academy Sports + Outdoors

I hate pretentious plus signs.

32. (98) Paul Menard, Ford, Zecol/Menards

Better living through chemistry: the motto of Menard's sideburns.

33. (55) Michael Waltrip, Toyota, NAPA Auto Parts

Apparently this season is driving everybody to drink.

34. (7) Robby Gordon, Toyota, Jim Beam

Booze and Dega. That's just what we need.

35. (34) John Andretti, Chevrolet, Window World

You know, in the world of horror movies, I bet window repair is about as secure a career as funeral director. Think about it.

36. (09) Brad Keselowski, Chevrolet, Miccosukee Resort & Gaming

Scary: A repeat of the spring race.

37. (71) Bobby Labonte, Chevrolet, TaxSlayer.com

So, if Bobby is the Tax Slayer, who's his Watcher?

38. (82) Scott Speed, Toyota, Red Bull

I hope there are no chickens involved with Speedy. He's weird enough as it is.

39. (87) Joe Nemechek, Toyota, NEMCO Motorsports
40. (66) Dave Blaney, Toyota, Prism Motorsports

You know, if you guys can keep the cars running till after Da Big One, you might get enough money to actually race at later events.

41. (36) Robert Richardson Jr. , Toyota, Mahindra Tractors

Who?

42. (13) Max Papis, Toyota, GEICO

Il Gecko Italiano!

43. (78) Regan Smith, Chevrolet, Furniture Row Companies

Wow. Only 43 people trying for Dega? Did the Flying Flipper scare that many teams away?

Pole Follies: Martinsville

2009-10-25T03:44:47Z

1. (39) Ryan Newman, Chevrolet, U.S. Army

Wow, we haven't had a Newman Pole Factoid in ages!

Factoid: If a person loses small intestine, the body will adapt the remaining portion to increase absorption, including enlargement and lengthening of the villi, increase in the diameter, and slowdown in peristalsis. This is the factoid of the week because I had to explain this to a bloody MD this week.

2. (24) Jeff Gordon, Chevrolet, NationalGuard.com/DuPont

Last week, we had the all-important Ella sightings. More please.

3. (1) Martin Truex Jr., Chevrolet, Vaseline Men Body Lotion

What advertising genius thought this was a good idea? I'm a woman and I don't use body lotion; do they think that putting the stuff on a car will make men use it?

4. (5) Mark Martin, Chevrolet, Kellogg's/Carquest

I'm predicting a dull race tomorrow, considering the wreckfest that was the Nationwide race.

5. (00) David Reutimann, Toyota, Aaron's Dream Machine

I had wacky dreams this afternoon.

6. (07) Casey Mears, Chevrolet, Jack Daniel's

*blinks*

Who are you and what did you do with Snrch?

7. (20) Joey Logano, Toyota, Farm Bureau Insurance

He'll be needing a policy to cover his injuries when his mouth finally writes a check his body can't cash.

8. (96) Bobby Labonte, Ford, DLP

Dude! And in the 96!

9. (43) Reed Sorenson, Dodge, McDonald's Monopoly

Monoploy!

10. (29) Kevin Harvick, Chevrolet, Shell/Pennzoil

Maybe if we start a letter-writing campaign, he and Stewart will decide to kidnap K-naus for kicks?

11. (12) David Stremme, Dodge, Penske Racing

Is anybody else noticing that all the potentially unemployed drivers are qualifying up front?

12. (88) Dale Earnhardt Jr., Chevrolet, Amp Energy/National Guard

Junior and Snrch are at the front of the field? Who sold their soul?

13. (14) Tony Stewart, Chevrolet, Old Spice/Office Depot

Close but no RCSOQ. Again.

14. (6) David Ragan, Ford, UPS

Let's send the goats to trample Johnson.

15. (48) Jimmie Johnson, Chevrolet, Lowe's

Somebody took the wrong Qualifying Memo.

16. (44) A.J. Allmendinger, Dodge, Coleman Natural Foods

Careful. I hear McMerry is all about the natural these days.

17. (11) Denny Hamlin, Toyota, FedEx Freight

1711: In a busy year, the future state of North Carolina suffers from Cary's Rebellion and the Tuscarora War.

18. (82) Scott Speed, Toyota, Red Bull

1882: The Great Comet of, guess what, 1882

19. (33) Clint Bowyer, Chevrolet, BB&T

Somehow, I doubt BB&T wants to remember 1933.

20. (16) Greg Biffle, Ford, 3M Filtrete

Biffle the Bloodsucker recognizes the need for safety and filters his blood for pathogens.

21. (42) Juan Pablo Montoya, Chevrolet, Target

And JPM gets his namesake School of Qualifying.

22. (31) Jeff Burton, Chevrolet, Caterpillar

Jeffybuhton is stealing Snrch's crew chief. I am not happy.

23. (26) Jamie McMurray, Ford, Crown Royal
24. (83) Brian Vickers, Toyota, Red Bull

When these two hit each other, they will produce a popular drink.

25. (37) Travis Kvapil, Dodge, Long John Silver's

OMG IT'S THE DREAD PIRATE WAFFLE!!!!11!!!

26. (9) Kasey Kahne, Dodge, Budweiser

I noticed this week that somebody else has started calling him Kandy Kahne.

27. (34) John Andretti, Chevrolet, A&W All American Food

Pero, donde es Taco Bell?

28. (87) Joe Nemechek, Toyota, NEMCO Motorsports

I'd type something coherent, but Lorelei is doing that insanely cute kitty-curled-up-with-one-paw-over-her-nose thing, so I'm distracted.

29. (99) Carl Edwards, Ford, Aflac

I told a friend of mine that there was a Flipperette on the way, and she fell over laughing.

30. (98) Paul Menard, Ford, Schrock Cabinetry/Menards

Is anybody else worried that Sideburns and Crash seem to be sharing sponsors a lot lately?

31. (77) Sam Hornish Jr., Dodge, Mobil 1
32. (17) Matt Kenseth, Ford, Dewalt
33. (7) Robby Gordon, Toyota, Schrock Cabinetry/Menards

Pole Follies extends heartfelt condolences to the Matt Kenseth fan club for the extremely short race he will suffer tomorrow.

34. (47) Marcos Ambrose, Toyota, Little Debbie/Kingsford/Clorox

Apparently Marcos will be returning to Tasmania for part of the off-season.

35. (71) David Gilliland, Chevrolet, TRG Motorsports

Okay, Gilly, we know you can wreck people. Now wreck Johnson. Or Martin. Or both.

36. (55) Michael Waltrip, Toyota, NAPA Adaptive One

Mikey ran over a motorcyclist and passed his sobriety test.

I just repeat the news.

37. (2) Kurt Busch, Dodge, Miller Lite

Ouch.

38. (09) Sterling Marlin, Dodge, Miccosukee Resort & Gaming

Silverfishy!

39. (66) Dave Blaney, Toyota, Prism Motorsports

Much better. Let's not be sponsored by Denny Hamlin anymore.

40. (19) Elliott Sadler, Dodge, Best Buy
41. (18) Kyle Busch, Toyota, M&M's Halloween

When you wreck this week, Ellyut, can you make sure you take him out?

42. (36) Michael McDowell, Toyota, Wave Energy Drink

Martinsville fans really suck at the wave. I know this from experience. That backstretch is traditionally too steeped in Bud and Coppertone to move after about lap 10.

43. (64) Derrike Cope, Toyota, Gunselman Motorsports

It's a Cope!

Did Not Qualify

(73) Josh Wise, Dodge, Arnold Development Companies

Who?

Pole Follies: Charlotte

2009-10-17T04:28:15Z

Now, before we get into this, I'm going to do a little explanatory soapboxing. You'll be seeing a shitload of breast-cancer pink on your screen tomorrow night. I don't care for this. Not because I want people to get breast cancer or because I hate people who get breast cancer, but because of the way this particular campaign is run. From the patron saint of breast cancer--Agatha, who had her breasts cut off as part of her martyrdom--to the color chosen--pink, traditionally associated with girls--to the events that are held, this particular disease is reviled as a destroyer of women. Not because it kills them or maims them or makes them sick, even though it does, but because it takes away their boobs, which therefore makes them less than real women. The horror stories in this campaign are not about women who die, but about women who have to suffer double mastectomies.

Why? Because boobs are things loved and appreciated and used to define "real woman" by a particularly asinine species of men.

Have you ever wondered why there's not a month of pink cars for ovarian and cervical and uterine cancers? Gee, because nobody defines a woman's beauty by her ovaries, maybe?

As a woman, I find this offensive. As a woman who's missing ovaries and uterus--organs that say "woman" way more than breasts--I find this really offensive. So the pink cars will not be spared this week, or ever. You disagree? Fine. Skip this week.

I won't even go into the sheer impossibility of finding an all-embracing cure for a disease that doesn't have one single cause, but that's another rant.

Now, on with the Follies.

1. (48) Jimmie Johnson, Chevrolet, Lowe's
2. (5) Mark Martin, Chevrolet, Pop-Tarts/Carquest

If anyone would like to take care of these two, feel free. No, seriously. Really.

3. (9) Kasey Kahne, Dodge, Budweiser

RCSOQ/3

4. (17) Matt Kenseth, Ford, Carhartt

This does not bode well.

5. (14) Tony Stewart, Chevrolet, Old Spice/Office Depot

Bluto's face has been all over my Facebook lately. I wish they'd quit that.

6. (39) Ryan Newman, Chevrolet, Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen/U.S. Army

Optimus Prime. Did these people never watch the show?

7. (71) Mike Bliss, Chevrolet, TaxSlayer.com

I don't know about the field, but I bet he's more Blissful than usual.

8. (25) Brad Keselowski, Chevrolet, GoDaddy.com

Indeed, Daddy. Take Danica and go far, far away.

9. (24) Jeff Gordon, Chevrolet, Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen/DuPont

We haven't seen Ella in awhile.

Hey, maybe that's why they cast him as the bad guy.

10. (18) Kyle Busch, Toyota, M&M's/Susan G Komen for the Cure

Oh, look. It's a boob shilling for boobs.

11. (33) Clint Bowyer, Chevrolet, Scary Fast Count Chocula

Is that a race pun, or an actual cereal?

12. (20) Joey Logano, Toyota, The Home Depot

I got nothing on Mr. Horsey.

13. (47) Marcos Ambrose, Toyota, Clorox/Kingsford/Bush's Beans

I don't want to clean the house. I really need to clean the house. Sigh.

What, you got a better Clorox tie-in?

14. (02) David Gilliland, Toyota, Farm Bureau Insurance

Will somebody please take DJ aside and explain to him that it's Gil-li-land, not Gil-li-gan?

15. (2) Kurt Busch, Dodge, Miller Lite

There is a picture in my medical dictionary that looks suspiciously like Dumbo. Freaks me out every time I flip past it.

16. (82) Scott Speed, Toyota, Red Bull

Vroom.

17. (11) Denny Hamlin, Toyota, FedEx Office

Do the secretaries in FedEx offices have to use FedEx for deliveries, or do they occasionally get so fed up that they call the other guys?

18. (42) Juan Pablo Montoya, Chevrolet, Lysol

And here we are without a germ in the field.

19. (7) Robby Gordon, Toyota, Freightliner Trucks

Freightliner didn't want to be associated with Jim Beam? I can't imagine why.

20. (26) Jamie McMurray, Ford, Jeremiah Weed Southern Style Sweet Tea Vodka

Weed, sweet tea, and vodka. If there were any doubts, we're in the South.

21. (00) David Reutimann, Toyota, Aaron's Dream Machine

Speaking of nightmares, Root is driving for Lowe's Foods in the Nationwide race.

22. (77) Sam Hornish Jr., Dodge, Mobil 1

You haven't smashed lately. Did we say you could turn into a driver?

23. (16) Greg Biffle, Ford, 3M/Industrial Distribution Group

All hail zi Biff!

24. (96) Bobby Labonte, Ford, Ask.com/Search for the Cure

Grk.

25. (1) Martin Truex Jr., Chevrolet, DJ Hero

And I thought Guitar Hero was silly.

26. (44) A.J. Allmendinger, Dodge, Best Buy

Is not.

27. (12) David Stremme, Dodge, Penske Racing

Stremme is on the short list for the #1 at Chip'n'Dale racing.

Hey, wouldn't that put him and the Mantoy back on the same team?

28. (99) Carl Edwards, Ford, Aflac

There is a Flipperette in the oven. I didn't realize that Flipper and the Mystery Wife had spent that much time together.

29. (6) David Ragan, Ford, UPS

I saw a preview for something this last week that I'm reasonably sure involved fainting goats.

30. (83) Brian Vickers, Toyota, Red Bull

TEH SQUISH!

31. (98) Paul Menard, Ford, Johns Manville/Menards

Better sharpen those sideburns, ol' buddy.

32. (29) Kevin Harvick, Chevrolet, Shell/Pennzoil

The rumors are getting thicker. maveness thinks Harprick's just holding out till 2011 so he can join up with Bluto.

33. (55) Michael Waltrip, Toyota, NAPA/Susan G Komen for the Cure

Yeah, yeah.

34. (31) Jeff Burton, Chevrolet, Caterpillar

Jeffybuhton has done well at Charlotte.

35. (87) Joe Nemechek, Toyota, NEMCO Motorsports

I still don't want to clean.

36. (21) Bill Elliott, Ford, Warriors in Pink Powered by Ford

Noisome Bill is a warrior now? Since when?

37. (43) Reed Sorenson, Dodge, Super 8

Was NASCAR Days this week or next week? I never can remember.

38. (19) Elliott Sadler, Dodge, Stanley/Susan G Komen for the Cure

My God, I hate October.

39. (88) Dale Earnhardt Jr., Chevrolet, Amp Energy/National Guard

I'd say something about how your luck was bound to turn, but I'm a Nadeau fan and I know better.

40. (13) Max Papis, Toyota, GEICO

Il Gecko Italiano!

41. (34) John Andretti, Chevrolet, Taco Bell
42. (07) Casey Mears, Chevrolet, Jack Daniel's

I want some Taco Bell, and then give me some Jack so I can forget the way my driver drives.

43. (08) Terry Labonte, Toyota, Carter/Simo Racing

*consults watch* I thought it was about time for you to show up.

Did Not Qualify

(09) Sterling Marlin, Dodge, Miccosukee Resort & Gaming

No Silverfish? How unfair.

(36) Michael McDowell, Toyota, Wave Energy Drink

You're just not listening to me about this whole wave thing, are you?

(37) Travis Kvapil, Dodge, Long John Silver's

Not that I have any objections to a Dread Pirate Waffle, but where is Dread Pirate Tony?

(66) Dave Blaney, Toyota, The Denny Hamlin Foundation

DAMNLIN! Get your ass away from Blaney right the fuck now!

Pole Follies: California

2009-10-11T02:31:49Z

1. (11) Denny Hamlin, Toyota, FedEx Ground
2. (16) Greg Biffle, Ford, 3M Scotch-Blue Painter's Tape

Never fails.

3. (48) Jimmie Johnson, Chevrolet, Lowe's/Jimmie Johnson Foundation

The foundation of which, I believe, was Raoul.

4. (42) Juan Pablo Montoya, Chevrolet, Target

I kinda want the next champ to be a Mantoy. Just because.

5. (1) Martin Truex Jr., Chevrolet, Guitar Hero 5

5 for Guitar Hero 5? Now there's a nice bit of numerology.

6. (20) Joey Logano, Toyota, The Home Depot

According to the sagacious spotter o' zi Biff, Stale Roll "whines like a little girl."

The only problem I have with that characterization is that I was once a little girl and I refuse to be put in any category remotely near that arrogant ass.

7. (29) Kevin Harvick, Chevrolet, Shell/Pennzoil

ESPN/ABC is promising an interview with Harvick tomorrow in which he will apparently yet again threaten to leave Childress. This sort of thing is usually followed by him winning the race.

8. (33) Clint Bowyer, Chevrolet, Prilosec OTC/Wal-Mart

I see we finally gave Bowyer the sponsor befitting his season.

9. (5) Mark Martin, Chevrolet, Kellogg's/Carquest

Can we get back to talking about Junior as the Second Coming? At least Junior's got a slight dose of the pretty.

10. (24) Jeff Gordon, Chevrolet, Pepsi/DuPont

Day 43651: No Ella. Still not a Jeffy fan.

11. (99) Carl Edwards, Ford, Aflac

Flipper has gotten rid of the crutches.

In unrelated news, the duck is walking funny.

12. (44) A.J. Allmendinger, Dodge, Dassault Systemes

Pardon, Ayjay, but I think you've gotten your Montreal sponsor in your California race.

13. (87) Joe Nemechek, Toyota, NEMCO Motorsports

The sad part is, he'll still pull over after four laps.

14. (12) David Stremme, Dodge, Penske Racing

Alas, poor Stremme. The Mantoy went thataway.

15. (13) Max Papis, Toyota, GEICO

Il Gecko Italiano! *confetti*

16. (07) Casey Mears, Chevrolet, Jack Daniel's

Snrch, I told you, when you went to Childress, you couldn't keep on stealing Qualifying Memos.

17. (17) Matt Kenseth, Ford, R+L Carriers

RCSOQ + Naydoo Nostalgia. *sighs*

18. (31) Jeff Burton, Chevrolet, Caterpillar

1831: The Hunchback of Notre Dame was first published.

19. (18) Kyle Busch, Toyota, M&M's

What an appropriate qualifying juxtaposition.

(Scrub has the flu. In 1918, so did most of the world.)

20. (14) Tony Stewart, Chevrolet, Office Depot/Old Spice

Speaking of obnoxious shit, one of the neighbors is apparently having a being-displaced-by-an-interstate party that requires loud and obnoxious bass.

21. (82) Scott Speed, Toyota, Red Bull
22. (77) Sam Hornish Jr., Dodge, Mobil 1

Speed + Smash = ??

23. (09) Mike Bliss, Dodge, Miccosukee Resort & Gaming

The field is Blissful.

24. (2) Kurt Busch, Dodge, Miller Lite
25. (9) Kasey Kahne, Dodge, Budweiser

Beer beer beer, for old Agnes Scott....

26. (78) Regan Smith, Chevrolet, Furniture Row Companies

I got nothing on Regan.

27. (47) Marcos Ambrose, Toyota, Little Debbie/Kingsford/Clorox

I got nothing on Marcos, other than the fact that Little Debbie has been spending insane amounts of money on advertising on Facebook this week--and it wasn't even Marcos-related. *pout*

28. (43) Reed Sorenson, Dodge, Rosie Organic Chicken

I thought the point of organic chicken was that it wasn't rosy.

29. (26) Jamie McMurray, Ford, Crown Royal

Close but no RCSOQ. You're closer to Ellyut this week, though.

30. (71) David Gilliland, Chevrolet, Mahindra Tractors

Mahindra Tractors. Doesn't that sound like a company that should be making organic chicken curry?

31. (6) David Ragan, Ford, UPS

Baaa.

32. (83) Brian Vickers, Toyota, Red Bull

I'd say to finish better than you started, but it would be really hard to do worse. I have faith in you, though.

33. (66) Dave Blaney, Toyota, Prism Motorsports

JPMSOQ for Blaney!

34. (55) Michael Waltrip, Toyota, NAPA Auto Parts

Apropos of nothing, I do not get the point of flameless candles. They seem so pretentious.

35. (96) Bobby Labonte, Ford, DLP

Bobby. Woolly mammoth. Fic. Now.

36. (39) Ryan Newman, Chevrolet, Haas Automation

Take a wrong turn, No-Neck?

37. (88) Dale Earnhardt Jr., Chevrolet, Amp Energy/National Guard

If he had any worse luck, he'd be one of my drivers.

38. (7) Robby Gordon, Toyota, Jim Beam

I keep reading that as "Jim Beaver" and then being disappointed because I am not getting a dose of Bobby Awesomeness.

39. (19) Elliott Sadler, Dodge, Stanley

You just wanna be Matt Kenseth when you grow up, don't you?

40. (34) John Andretti, Chevrolet, Taco Bell

Okay, the yo quiero jokes are running thin, I know.

41. (98) Paul Menard, Ford, Energizer/Menards

I just saw a commercial for a place called Cupcake Vineyards.

42. (00) David Reutimann, Toyota, Aaron's Dream Machine

More like nightmare.

Which is appropriate, considering the incredibly tacky and low-budget Root commercial for a local grocery chain that just tormented my screen.

43. (36) Michael McDowell, Toyota, Wave Energy Drink

I told you, we're not good at the wave.

Did Not Qualify

(37) Tony Raines, Dodge, Long John Silver's

I want my Dread Pirate Raines, dammit.

(64) Mike Wallace, Toyota, Gunselman Motorsports

I'll do without the Misogyny Mike, though.

Pole Follies: Kansas

2009-10-04T00:48:50Z

1. (5) Mark Martin, Chevrolet, Carquest/Kellogg's

Will no one rid me of this walking wrinkle?

2. (88) Dale Earnhardt Jr., Chevrolet, National Guard/Amp Energy

I wonder if this will shut up my mother.

*considers*

Naaaaaaah.

3. (25) Brad Keselowski, Chevrolet, GoDaddy.com

More stuff for Junior Nation to rejoice over.

4. (26) Jamie McMurray, Ford, Crown Royal

Dude, Ellyut's at the other end of the field.

5. (14) Tony Stewart, Chevrolet, Office Depot/Old Spice

I'm noticing an engine theme here.

6. (9) Kasey Kahne, Dodge, Budweiser

KKSOQ strikes again.

7. (87) Joe Nemechek, Toyota, NEMCO Motorsports

That's an awful good qualifying run for somebody who's going to park after three laps.

8. (33) Clint Bowyer, Chevrolet, Cheerios/Hamburger Helper

I would love some Hamburger Helper. It's too damn hot to cook, though.

9. (24) Jeff Gordon, Chevrolet, DuPont

So Charlotte is doing some big Transformers tie-in and Jeffy is Megatron. Wasn't Megatron a bad guy?

10. (82) Scott Speed, Toyota, Red Bull
11. (48) Jimmie Johnson, Chevrolet, Lowe's/Kobalt Tools
12. (83) Brian Vickers, Toyota, Red Bull

Everybody, keep the vodka away from Johnson. Bad enough he has access to Red Bull.

13. (00) David Reutimann, Toyota, Aaron's Dream Machine

I took a nap and had a dream where I was a race driver writing an advice column for the media. I was the only one who could, since I had none of that annoying family stuff to tend to.

Then I wound up in the motorcoach that belonged to Rodney McKay.

14. (42) Juan Pablo Montoya, Chevrolet, Target

1442: Pierre Cauchon, best known as the bastard who arranged for Joan of Arc to become a crispy critter, died, ten years before the retrial.

15. (44) A.J. Allmendinger, Dodge, Valvoline

Ayjay!

16. (21) Bill Elliott, Ford, Motorcraft

You're back again? Didn't anybody ever tell you that Mark Martin is a bad example?

17. (99) Carl Edwards, Ford, Aflac

Quack.

18. (20) Joey Logano, Toyota, The Home Depot

Thanks to Pole Follies reader wickedheathen and others, those of us in the anti-Logano faction now christen him Stale Roll.

19. (09) Mike Bliss, Dodge, Miccosukee Resort & Gaming

1909: Karl Landsteiner develops a blood type grouping system. You may thank him for your transfusions.

20. (98) Paul Menard, Ford, Zecol/Menards

Zecol makes chemicals. Do the sideburns really need more chemicals?

21. (1) Martin Truex Jr., Chevrolet, Bass Pro Shops/Tracker

There are no bass boats to be sung about here.

22. (11) Denny Hamlin, Toyota, FedEx Freight

Damnlin gets the JPMSOQ.

23. (17) Matt Kenseth, Ford, Dewalt

Mediocre qualifying. The field could be in trouble.

24. (66) Dave Blaney, Toyota, Prism Motorsports

Yet another excellent qualifying run for somebody who'll park after three laps. Sigh.

25. (6) David Ragan, Ford, UPS Freight

The goats are happy, but would rather have a party.

26. (71) Bobby Labonte, Chevrolet, TRG Motorsports

This must be the Tax Slayer's alter ego.

27. (47) Marcos Ambrose, Toyota, Little Debbie/Kingsford/Clorox

Her Cuteness Boo the First, upon seeing a driver's card of Marcos, asked "Does he fit in his car?"

28. (43) Reed Sorenson, Dodge, McDonald's Monopoly

I prefer Jayski's spelling: Monoploy.

29. (55) Michael Waltrip, Toyota, NAPA Auto Parts

I got nothing on Mikey.

30. (39) Ryan Newman, Chevrolet, U.S. Army

Newman is supposed to be Optimus Prime. Did the people who arranged for this tie-in actually watch NASCAR at any point?

31. (16) Greg Biffle, Ford, Sherwin Williams/3M

That's red paint, right? Because he is Biffle the Bloodsucker and any other color would just be wrong.

32. (12) David Stremme, Dodge, Penske Racing

Did we give up trying to find a job already?

33. (77) Sam Hornish Jr., Dodge, Mobil 1

Smash has been fairly well behaved lately.

34. (18) Kyle Busch, Toyota, M&M's

Now, did everybody see Parker what's-his-face snooker Scrubby on that restart in the Nationwide race? I think we've discovered the next media sensation.

35. (31) Jeff Burton, Chevrolet, Caterpillar

*checks list* Yep, right where I expected you.

36. (07) Casey Mears, Chevrolet, Jack Daniel's
37. (7) Robby Gordon, Toyota, Mapei/Menards

This is a disaster waiting to happen. Sorry, Snrch.

38. (29) Kevin Harvick, Chevrolet, Reese's

Mmm. Reese's.

39. (2) Kurt Busch, Dodge, Miller Lite

Apparently all the Penske cars gave up this week.

40. (34) John Andretti, Chevrolet, Taco Bell

Yo no quiero. Yo already had.

41. (96) Erik Darnell, Ford, Northern Tool + Equipment

Who are you and what are you doing in Bobby's car?

42. (19) Elliott Sadler, Dodge, Best Buy

Okay, so apparently last week he blew an engine. What's the excuse for this week's shitty qualifying?

43. (13) Max Papis, Toyota, GEICO

Il Gecko Italiano!

Did Not Qualify

(04) David Gilliland, Toyota, Robby Gordon Motorsports

Gilly, Gilly, Gilly. You should know better than to drive for Crash.

(36) Michael McDowell, Toyota, Wave Energy Drink

*waves back*

(37) Kevin Hamlin, Dodge, Long John Silver's

The name is not Dread Pirate Kevin, it is Dread Pirate Tony. No wonder you failed to qualify, losers.

Pole Follies: Dover

2009-09-27T00:41:33Z

1. (48) Jimmie Johnson, Chevrolet, Lowe's

We, the undersigned, demand the return of Raoul and Francisco, or Ferdinand, or whoever-the-fuck he was.

2. (42) Juan Pablo Montoya, Chevrolet, Polaroid

They still make those?

3. (39) Ryan Newman, Chevrolet, U.S. Army

In case of zombie attack, we have decided that we want Newman on our team.

4. (16) Greg Biffle, Ford, 3M

Um... square root of RCSOQ?

5. (00) David Reutimann, Toyota, Aaron's Dream Machine

Root. Root. Root. I like Root. I like typing Root. Root. Root. Root.

6. (9) Kasey Kahne, Dodge, Budweiser

Hey, it's the KKSOQ!

7. (24) Jeff Gordon, Chevrolet, DuPont

In addition to Jimmie Johnson and Junior car-shaped USB drives, there are, in fact, Jeffy USB drives. They're just harder to find.

8. (33) Clint Bowyer, Chevrolet, BB&T

Clint won today. Will he tomorrow?

Okay, it's lame. I admit it. It's that time of the year.

9. (77) Sam Hornish Jr., Dodge, Mobil 1

I'm not sure I want Smash this far up in the field at Dover. Miles tends to kick.

10. (98) Paul Menard, Ford, Energizer/Menards

Menard hasn't been seen on track lately. He's been in Vancouver, giving grooming tips to Sam Winchester.

11. (20) Joey Logano, Toyota, The Home Depot

Stale Bread continues to leave a bad taste in the lives of racing fans, if only because we have to listen to ESPN kiss his ass.

12. (83) Brian Vickers, Toyota, Red Bull

TEH SQUISH!

13. (11) Denny Hamlin, Toyota, FedEx Ground

The Pied Whiner of Hamlin was living up to his name post-Nationwide race.

14. (5) Mark Martin, Chevrolet, Kellogg's/Carquest

Go away, before we apply wrinkle cream to you to see if you vanish.

15. (18) Kyle Busch, Toyota, Interstate Batteries
16. (2) Kurt Busch, Dodge, Miller Lite

Beware of paired Keebler Elves.

17. (12) David Stremme, Dodge, Penske Racing

Not only does Stremme not answer to David, maveness forgets to count him as a David.

18. (71) David Gilliland, Chevrolet, TRG Motorsports

1871: You gotta appreciate a year that holds something called "the Whaling Disaster of 1871."

19. (44) A.J. Allmendinger, Dodge, Super 8

1944. Bad year.

20. (29) Kevin Harvick, Chevrolet, Shell/Pennzoil

Am I the only one who wishes Harvick would lose his temper some more? With somebody other than his pit crew, anyway?

21. (6) David Ragan, Ford, UPS

Oh my. The goats must be so proud.

22. (14) Tony Stewart, Chevrolet, Burger King

I went to Burger King to get a drink because I was dehydrated and was scared to death by a giant glaring Tony Stewart on the cup they gave me.

23. (17) Matt Kenseth, Ford, Dewalt
24. (88) Dale Earnhardt Jr., Chevrolet, National Guard/Amp Energy

The Rookie Class of 2000, together again.

25. (26) Jamie McMurray, Ford, Crown Royal

Close but no RCSOQ.

26. (43) Reed Sorenson, Dodge, Valvoline

Reed's head must be whirling after all that screentime he got last week.

27. (47) Marcos Ambrose, Toyota, Little Debbie/Kingsford/Clorox

He named one kid Adelaide. I hope that wasn't a place-of-conception name.

28. (31) Jeff Burton, Chevrolet, Caterpillar

Is there such a thing as a Jeffybuhton cat toy?

29. (07) Casey Mears, Chevrolet, Jack Daniel's

Well...it's better than usual.

30. (99) Carl Edwards, Ford, Aflac

Obviously Aflac has raised Flipper's premiums.

31. (7) Robby Gordon, Toyota, Camping World

Ask koshka_the_cat what a Camping World is. :)

32. (1) Martin Truex Jr., Chevrolet, Vaseline Men Body Lotion

I...am so not going there. Not for Trufax.

33. (78) Regan Smith, Chevrolet, Furniture Row Companies

Whatever.

34. (19) Elliott Sadler, Dodge, Best Buy's Geek Squad

I don't know whether to berate him for poor qualifying or to request that Best Buy put him in a ~~Nerd Herd~~ Geek Squad uniform.

35. (66) Dave Blaney, Toyota, Prism Motorsports

BLANEY!

36. (09) Mike Bliss, Dodge, Miccosukee Resort & Gaming

The field is Blissful. This being Dover, however, I doubt that will last for long.

37. (34) John Andretti, Chevrolet, Taco Bell

Yo quiero. Y now I can afford.

38. (55) Michael Waltrip, Toyota, NAPA Auto Parts

Mikey got his dog back. No, I have no other news. I had to still that from maveness.

39. (82) Scott Speed, Toyota, Red Bull

Pardon me, I am being distracted from my usual Speed jokes by having to chase a cat away from my cheesecake.

40. (87) Joe Nemechek, Toyota, NEMCO Motorsports

I got nothing on Joe. Somebody highly inappropriate sponsor him already.

41. (96) Bobby Labonte, Ford, DLP

Oh, I see. They put him back in the 96 this week. No wonder the qualifying sucked.

42. (37) Tony Raines, Dodge, Long John Silver's

Yay! Dread Pirate Tony!

43. (36) Michael McDowell, Toyota, Wave Energy Drink

NASCAR fans aren't good with waves, you know.

Did Not Qualify

(4) Scott Wimmer, Chevrolet, Morgan McClure Motorsports

Wait. I thought Morgan McClure was dead.

FESS UP. WHO USED BLACK MAGIC TO RESURRECT MORGAN MCCLURE?

Pole Follies: New Hampshire

2009-09-19T21:19:19Z

1. (42) Juan Pablo Montoya, Chevrolet, Target

And who said you could be a race driver?

2. (14) Tony Stewart, Chevrolet, Office Depot/Old Spice

Dear Tony: I don't mind the random Erik Estrada, but Carrot Top is too much. Please to be telling Burger King to find better washed-up spokespeoples.

3. (2) Kurt Busch, Dodge, Miller Lite

Kurt's ears were looking particularly Dumbo-esque last week.

4. (11) Denny Hamlin, Toyota, FedEx Freight

Denny's car got stolen. Don't worry, a replacement is on the way.

Unfortunately, they sent it FedEx.

5. (99) Carl Edwards, Ford, Aflac

Damaged Flippers can't command high prices.

6. (12) David Stremme, Dodge, Penske Racing

Stremme gets the JPMSOQ, which is all ironic an' lovey-dovey and stuff.

7. (1) Martin Truex Jr., Chevrolet, Rain-X

Tru-X and Rain-X: a sponsor/driver combo made in heaven.

Trufax.

8. (71) Bobby Labonte, Chevrolet, TRG Motorsports

*blink*

9. (18) Kyle Busch, Toyota, M&M's

Another JPMSOQ?

10. (24) Jeff Gordon, Chevrolet, National Guard Yellow Ribbon/DuPont

We have not seen Ella lately. We demand that this situation be corrected immediately.

11. (9) Kasey Kahne, Dodge, Budweiser

Report: Lucky gloves have not yet been removed

12. (29) Kevin Harvick, Chevrolet, Shell/Pennzoil

I wish Harvick would go back to strangling people. He was so much more fun before they had his personality surgically removed.

13. (00) David Reutimann, Toyota, Aaron's Dream Machine

Lucky 13? Probably not, but hey.

14. (5) Mark Martin, Chevrolet, Carquest/Kellogg's

If they don't shut up about him, I may break down and scream.

15. (66) Dave Blaney, Toyota, Prism Motorsports

BLANEY!

A whole pit stop. Really. That's all I ask. You have to pay for the tires anyway.

16. (48) Jimmie Johnson, Chevrolet, Lowe's

There is an article on NOL about chinks in Superman's armor. Despite the title, it's about Jimmie.

Hm. If he loses the championship, there's a whole Samson-and-Delilah argument to be made about Raoul.

17. (33) Clint Bowyer, Chevrolet, Cheerios/Hamburger Helper

What have we told you about that?

18. (39) Ryan Newman, Chevrolet, U.S. Army

Factoid, reported by maveness: So, Kenny Wallace called Newman "No Neck Newman" to his face. In that joking Kenny manner. Ryan is still mildly put out that Kenny said he had no neck.

And apparently Krissy picked up on it and to this day calls her husband "No Neck".

Your Intrepid Pole Follies Reporter hereby moves that we form the Krissy Newman Fan Club immediately. Does anyone care to second the motion?

19. (07) Casey Mears, Chevrolet, Jack Daniel's

I'll hold him down, you get the razor.

20. (87) Joe Nemechek, Toyota, NEMCO Motorsports

*blink*

21. (55) Michael Waltrip, Toyota, NAPA Auto Parts

*blinkety blink*

22. (16) Greg Biffle, Ford, 3M Scotch Brand

I'm always losing my Scotch tape.

23. (88) Dale Earnhardt Jr., Chevrolet, Amp Energy/National Guard

Did you know they make USB drives shaped like little Junior cars? Neither did I, but they have them in the bookstore.

(she says, typing this as an annoying Time Warner Junior commercial comes on)

24. (77) Sam Hornish Jr., Dodge, Mobil 1

I borrow this week's comment from loldrivers:

25. (43) Reed Sorenson, Dodge, McDonald's McCafe

Reed doesn't know what hit him. In the last two weeks, he's existed more than he has in the last season and a half. Next thing you know, somebody'll try to interview him.

Bonus points if he displays the Jerry Nadeau Patented "Reporters? What Do You Mean There Are Reporters At Races?!?" Look o' Shock.

26. (83) Brian Vickers, Toyota, Red Bull
27. (82) Scott Speed, Toyota, Red Bull

This is a: no time for you to be acting like teammates and b: no time for Teh Squish to be qualifying in between Smash and Crash.

28. (7) Robby Gordon, Toyota, Sylvania

Crash has returned. God save us all.

29. (26) Jamie McMurray, Ford, Crown Royal

Ellyut called. He said, "Get to work."

30. (64) Mike Wallace, Toyota, Gunselman Motorsports

What, the Diversity Drive felt we needed to have misogynists represented all of a sudden?

31. (47) Marcos Ambrose, Toyota, Bush's Best Baked Beans/Market Basket

Well, if ever a sponsor called for the singing of "a tisket, a tasket..."

32. (31) Jeff Burton, Chevrolet, Caterpillar

Jeffybuhton can't even get a RCSOQ. Poor guy.

33. (20) Joey Logano, Toyota, The Home Depot

Wasn't it predicted that Mr. Ed would make the Chase?

34. (44) A.J. Allmendinger, Dodge, Berlin City Auto Group

In this economy, I'm not sure that sponsor is much better than the paralyzed vets.

35. (19) Elliott Sadler, Dodge, Stanley Tools

*opens mouth*

*rethinks dirty comment*

Never mind.

*looks prim*

36. (37) Tony Raines, Dodge, Long John Silver's

Arrr, it be the Dread Pirate Tony, an' on Talk Lahk a Pyrate Day too.

37. (96) Erik Darnell, Ford, Northern Tool + Equipment

Northern Tool? But Scrub is from Vegas!

38. (17) Matt Kenseth, Ford, Carhartt

They just aren't going to listen to me about the whole manly v. Matt argument, are they? Sigh.

39. (09) Aric Almirola, Dodge, Miccosukee Resort & Gaming

Aric! Hi Aric!

40. (98) Paul Menard, Ford, Sylvania Dot-it/Menards

Dot the i's, cross the t's, sharpen the sideburns.

41. (34) John Andretti, Chevrolet, Taco Bell

Yo quiero. I can has coupons?

42. (6) David Ragan, Ford, UPS

Dude, a couple of more spots and you'd be watching the race with the goats.

43. (36) Michael McDowell, Toyota, Wave Energy Drink

Long time no see! Wrecked spectacularly lately?

Well, if you should feel the need, at least try to take out Mark Martin, k?

Did Not Qualify

(75) Derrike Cope, Dodge, FlipnBags.com/EZPCBackup.com

I just can't see Cope with computer-related sponsors. Really. My brain breaks.

(51) Dexter Bean, Dodge, Juvenile Diabetes Research Foundation Int'l

If this is any indication, Beans are not good for diabetics.

Pole Follies: Richmond

2009-09-12T16:50:01Z

1. (5) Mark Martin, Chevrolet, Kellogg's/Carquest

I think I would be much happier if he would just commit to being a driver, instead of allowing all this shit about retirement bounce back and forth.

2. (1) Martin Truex Jr., Chevrolet, Bass Pro Shops/Tracker

That reminds me, I need some new tackleboxes.

3. (11) Denny Hamlin, Toyota, FedEx Express

Will "native Virginian" get more coverage than "Chase boy"? Only ABC knows for sure.

4. (48) Jimmie Johnson, Chevrolet, Lowe's

Did anybody else notice that when Jimmie had his problem last week and the camera went immediately to K-naus, K-naus had his uniform collar unzipped?

What, maveness and I are the only ones with dirty minds?

5. (9) Kasey Kahne, Dodge, Budweiser

I know at some point this week I had a perfectly snide remark about Kandy Kahne, but it seems to have escaped me.

6. (83) Brian Vickers, Toyota, Red Bull

TEH SQUISH!

7. (24) Jeff Gordon, Chevrolet, National Guard Wounded Warrior/DuPont

*looks at that sponsor*

*considers Jeffy's back problems*

*collapses in a fit of giggles*

8. (18) Kyle Busch, Toyota, M&M's

Poor widdle Kyle onwy finished second wast night. He was all torn up.

9. (09) Brad Keselowski, Chevrolet, Miccosukee Resort & Gaming

I still don't know if that counts as a RCSOQ or a CMPSOQ, and I made up the damn things.

10. (99) Carl Edwards, Ford, Aflac

Do the doctor's orders about not flipping come from Mrs. Edwards, or does "doctor" mean "Mama Edwards"?

11. (43) Reed Sorenson, Dodge, Reynolds Wrap

This has been a crazy week for Reed--he's existed at least three times!

12. (12) David Stremme, Dodge, Penske Racing

Stremme gets the RCSOQ!

13. (2) Kurt Busch, Dodge, Miller Lite

Dumbo is losing his crew chief at the end of the year. He seems to be taking it personally.

14. (42) Juan Pablo Montoya, Chevrolet, Target

In 1442, Columbus--oh, wait. Well, I'm sure somebody was on the ocean blue.

15. (88) Dale Earnhardt Jr., Chevrolet, Amp Energy/National Guard

1588: Boris Gudonov takes over regency of Russia. This should not be confused with Boris Badinov's pursuit of moose and sqvirrel.

16. (47) Marcos Ambrose, Toyota, Clorox/Kingsford/Bush's Beans

1647: Puritans, possessed by the ghost of the Grinch, ban Christmas.

17. (44) A.J. Allmendinger, Dodge, Paralyzed Veterans of America

I don't think the paralyzed vet car has ever qualified this well.

18. (33) Clint Bowyer, Chevrolet, Cheerios/Hamburger Helper

Dude, I keep telling you about putting Cheerios in your Hamburger Helper.

19. (29) Kevin Harvick, Chevrolet, Shell/Pennzoil

Harvick's Great Depression strikes again, although I think this time it was sparked by his Nationwide pit crew.

20. (82) Scott Speed, Toyota, Red Bull

I should find my Speed skullies shirt and put it on.

For that matter, I should get dressed.

21. (39) Ryan Newman, Chevrolet, U.S. Army Year of the NCO

Everybody's declaring years lately. What's the deal?

22. (31) Jeff Burton, Chevrolet, Caterpillar

Mikey Syndrome: We've been seeing him more in commercials than on track lately.

23. (00) David Reutimann, Toyota, Aaron's Dream Machine

I wish Aaron would come take away some of my dreams. I had one the other day where I'd stopped to be a waitress (wearing my Naydoo shirt, of course), and who walked in but Nadeau himself. He was driving trucks for Mikey and had gotten tasked with hazing that week's contest winner.

24. (16) Greg Biffle, Ford, 3M

Are we sure I can't call him Biffle the Bloodsucker?

25. (26) Jamie McMurray, Ford, Crown Royal

Close, but no RCSOQ.

26. (6) David Ragan, Ford, UPS

If UPS crashed as often as Ragan had this year, it'd be Microsoft.

27. (20) Joey Logano, Toyota, The Home Depot

Some moron actually called him "Sliced Bread" during the Nationwide race yesterday. He hasn't even done well enough to be Stale Bread.

28. (17) Matt Kenseth, Ford, Dewalt

The most amusing thing during qualifying: listening to the announcers bewail Tofu's poor qualifying run. Obviously they have not noticed, as we at Pole Follies have, that Tofu does better when he qualifies back here.

29. (14) Tony Stewart, Chevrolet, Office Depot/Old Spice

As long as they keep that plastic-faced atrocity out of the commercials, I'm all for Bluto shilling for Burger King. He's much more believable at promoting hamburgers than aftershave.

30. (7) David Gilliland, Toyota, Jim Beam

The wizarding world tired of Crash, waved their collective wands, and turned him into Gilly.

31. (71) Mike Bliss, Chevrolet, TRG Motorsports

The field is Blissful.

Look, I said it is, and dammit, you'll fucking be blissful and you'll be happy about it if it requires you fucking blissfully!

32. (66) Dave Blaney, Toyota, Prism Motorsports

You could at least do something spectacular so that I know you're in the field for those two and a half laps. *waves lonely little Blaney-fan flag*

33. (77) Sam Hornish Jr., Dodge, Mobil 1

Smash is smashing less lately. Percentage-wise, of course.

34. (19) Elliott Sadler, Dodge, Insignia

There is a baby Sadler on the way. If the paint job of Ellyut's car is any indication, he's hoping for a lime.

35. (78) Regan Smith, Chevrolet, World Vision/Furniture Row Companies

Furniture Row has Vision now? Wow. First they pluralized, now they can see.

36. (87) Joe Nemechek, Toyota, Chuck Levin's Washington Music Center

On the bright side, it's a sponsor. On the dark side, I'm not sure anybody's heard of it.

37. (96) Bobby Labonte, Ford, DLP

I give the Pole Follies readership carte blanche to try to figure out Bobby's car schedule for the rest of the season on their own, because I sure as hell ain't gonna.

38. (07) Casey Mears, Chevrolet, Jack Daniel's

It just wouldn't be the back of the field if we didn't have Snrch.

39. (34) John Andretti, Chevrolet, Taco Bell

Yo quiero Taco Bell. Seriously, yo really quiero.

40. (55) Michael Waltrip, Toyota, NAPA Auto Parts
41. (36) Michael McDowell, Toyota, Wave Energy Drink

First it was Dale, then Jeff, then David: Is Michael the next great name trend in racing? Discuss.

42. (98) Paul Menard, Ford, Turtle Wax/Menards

Turtle Wax: When your car must be shiny and your sideburns must be sharp.

43. (13) Max Papis, Toyota, GEICO

Il Gecko Italiano! Whee!

Did Not Qualify

(37) Tony Raines, Dodge, Long John Silver's

Rats. I really wanted a Dread Pirate in the field this week.

Pole Follies: Atlanta

2009-09-06T17:28:33Z

1. (1) Martin Truex Jr., Chevrolet, Guitar Hero

RCSOQ! Maybe we'll get the Bass Boat Song yet!

2. (9) Kasey Kahne, Dodge, Budweiser

Kandy Kahne is a bridesmaid once again.

3. (48) Jimmie Johnson, Chevrolet, Lowe's/Kobalt Tools

I seem to remember a new tool commercial. Or did I dream that?

4. (24) Jeff Gordon, Chevrolet, DuPont

Well, that's almost a CMPSOQ.

5. (18) Kyle Busch, Toyota, Pedigree

Genealogists have established that he doesn't have one.

6. (2) Kurt Busch, Dodge, Miller Lite

Dear Dumbo: Remember how mad you were when your parents brought home a brother instead of a puppy? This is an excellent time to take that resentment out on him.

7. (5) Mark Martin, Chevrolet, Carquest/Kellogg's

Johnson, Gordon, Martin....something's missing. Hmmm.

8. (83) Brian Vickers, Toyota, Red Bull

TEH SQUISH!

9. (12) David Stremme, Dodge, Penske Racing

It's amazing what upcoming unemployment does.

10. (11) Denny Hamlin, Toyota, Farm Bureau Insurance

I have nothing on Damnlin. This is what I get for waiting till the last minute.

11. (47) Marcos Ambrose, Toyota, Clorox/Kingsford/Bush's Beans

I can't believe that upside-down duckfucker passed Marcos on the last lap. Grk.

12. (14) Tony Stewart, Chevrolet, Office Depot/Old Spice

This has been the quietest I've seen Stewart in ages. Apparently owning his own team is doing wacky things to him.

13. (43) Reed Sorenson, Dodge, U.S. Air Force

Reed Sorenson. Air Force.

One of these things has been certified to exist. The other is questionable.

14. (99) Carl Edwards, Ford, Aflac Cancer Center

Next week, he'll be sponsored by the Aflac Center for Really Fucking Stupid Self-Inflicted Injuries.

15. (17) Matt Kenseth, Ford, R+L Carriers

The Jerryfan is nostalgic for Jerry's first Cup sponsor.

16. (6) David Ragan, Ford, UPS

I was almost run over by a UPS truck the other week.

17. (21) David Gilliland, Ford, Motorcraft

Wait a minute--what's Gilly doing in a real car with a real sponsor? Dammit, I'm not ready for Silly Season yet!

18. (29) Kevin Harvick, Chevrolet, Shell/Pennzoil

1829: New president, new Pope, first boat race, dead Supreme Court Justice, and something to do with a boat called the HMS Pickle. Busy year.

19. (55) Michael Waltrip, Toyota, NAPA Auto Parts

*hums* Wish it could always be '55.... Oh. Sorry. Bama fangirl moment.

20. (33) Clint Bowyer, Chevrolet, BB&T

Bowyer in burgundy. Which is not necessarily bad, but it steals all my Hamburger Helper jokes.

21. (19) Elliott Sadler, Dodge, Stanley Tools

Does Stanley make a cast-making attachment? Because if you spend a lot of time around Flipper, that might come in handy.

22. (42) Juan Pablo Montoya, Chevrolet, Target

I bet the Mantoy wouldn't break his foot playing Frisbee.

23. (39) Ryan Newman, Chevrolet, U.S. Army

I got nothing on Newman. Maybe he'll do something stupid and cut off a finger next week.

24. (31) Jeff Burton, Chevrolet, Caterpillar/Cat Financial

When you absolutely, positively must have that kitty in the window.

25. (71) Bobby Labonte, Chevrolet, TaxSlayer.com

Stupid fucking 96 team. *mutter bitch grumble*

That aside, Bobby the Tax Slayer? I completely buy.

26. (16) Greg Biffle, Ford, American Red Cross/3M

I'm one mass mailing away from dubbing him Biffle the Bloodsucker.

27. (26) Jamie McMurray, Ford, Crown Royal

Close but no RCSOQ.

28. (00) David Reutimann, Toyota, Aaron's Dream Machine

Speaking of dreams, last night I had a convoluted one in which I got pissed off at my parents for not properly trimming the steak and ran off and dyed my hair.

29. (7) Robby Gordon, Toyota, Polaris Off-Road Vehicles
30. (77) Sam Hornish Jr., Dodge, Mobil 1

I don't want off-road vehicles this close to Crash and Smash, ever. It might give them ideas.

31. (88) Dale Earnhardt Jr., Chevrolet, National Guard/Amp Energy

Oh, there's that missing Hendrick link. I knew it was around here somewhere.

Meanwhile, the sheer amount of Junior merchandise I'm seeing in the clearance bins is frightening.

32. (82) Scott Speed, Toyota, Red Bull

I'm wearing my Speedy Skulls shirt. Expect early cautions.

33. (07) Casey Mears, Chevrolet, Jack Daniel's

*headdesk*

34. (20) Joey Logano, Toyota, The Home Depot

Rather than justify his existence, let's talk about what a crappy student I've become.

35. (44) A.J. Allmendinger, Dodge, Hunt Brothers Pizza

Mm. Pizza. Donations accepted.

36. (87) Joe Nemechek, Toyota, NEMCO Motorsports
37. (66) Dave Blaney, Toyota, Prism Motorsports

You guys are failing me miserably. You could at least run long enough to justify being out there. Some of us are still pulling for you.

38. (09) Mike Bliss, Dodge, Miccosukee Resort & Gaming

The field is Blissful. Wish I was.

39. (13) Max Papis, Toyota, GEICO

Il Gecko Italiano!

40. (34) John Andretti, Chevrolet, Taco Bell

I could always go for some Taco Bell.

41. (98) Paul Menard, Ford, Johns Manville/Menards

You might want to sharpen those sideburns. Otherwise you're never gonna slice through this field.

42. (96) Erik Darnell, Ford, Academy Sports + Outdoors

Who?

43. (08) Terry Labonte, Toyota, Carter/Simo Racing

Not even a sponsor? Poor Terry.

Did Not Qualify

(36) Patrick Carpentier, Toyota, Wave Energy Drink

Noooo! Not Le Favorite Frenchyperson!

(37) Tony Raines, Dodge, Long John Silver's

No Dread Pirate Raines either? Waaaaaaaah.

(78) Regan Smith, Chevrolet, Furniture Row Companies

Back to Colorado with you.

Pole Follies: Bristol

2009-08-22T12:07:11Z

1. (5) Mark Martin, Chevrolet, Pop-Tarts/Carquest

The only thing worse than a retiree who won't go away is a retiree who won't go away and keeps winning.

2. (16) Greg Biffle, Ford, 3M

I got nothing on Biffle, besides the usual squeeing.

3. (82) Scott Speed, Toyota, Red Bull

Somebody's been drinking his sponsor product.

4. (66) Dave Blaney, Toyota, Prism Motorsports

Who are you and what did you do with Blaney? And does this mean you'll park after two laps, or are you going to try to keep going? It's Bristol, after all. You have half a chance.

5. (17) Matt Kenseth, Ford, Dewalt

Katie was sighted during the Nationwide pre-race. Zi baby was not.

6. (33) Clint Bowyer, Chevrolet, Hamburger Helper

Lasagna, por favor.

7. (07) Casey Mears, Chevrolet, Jack Daniel's/USO "Toast to the Troops"

*consults horoscope* Yeah, he's gonna get smacked around tonight.

8. (20) Joey Logano, Toyota, The Home Depot

After a brief explanation, my mother and sibling understood exactly why I refer to him as Mr. Ed. I think I may have started a trend.

9. (39) Ryan Newman, Chevrolet, U.S. Army

If I seem to have fewer snide remarks than usual, it's because I'm half sick.

10. (43) Reed Sorenson, Dodge, Valvoline

Reed existed during the Nationwide race. However, I was half-asleep, so I'm not sure why he was existing.

11. (42) Juan Pablo Montoya, Chevrolet, Target

I gots nothing on the Mantoy.

12. (71) David Gilliland, Chevrolet, TaxSlayer.com

Do not confuse Gilly the Tax Slayer with Buffy the Vampire Slayer. It may be hazardous to your health.

13. (2) Kurt Busch, Dodge, Miller Lite

Miller trucks are not very recognizable at a distance.

14. (83) Brian Vickers, Toyota, Red Bull
15. (18) Kyle Busch, Toyota, M&M's

*snerk* It never fails. Silly little racing gods.

16. (29) Kevin Harvick, Chevrolet, Shell/Pennzoil

*consults notes*

*can't read them*

*moves on*

17. (26) Jamie McMurray, Ford, Irwin Vise-Grip

You bet he's got a--

Ahem.

18. (00) David Reutimann, Toyota, Aaron's Dream Machine

Great. Now I have an Everly Brothers song stuck in my head. I hate being sick.

19. (44) A.J. Allmendinger, Dodge, Hunt Brothers Pizza

Mm. Pizza.

20. (96) Bobby Labonte, Ford, Ask.com

Dear Bobby: Why won't they cancel the Kyle Busch Show?

21. (48) Jimmie Johnson, Chevrolet, Lowe's

*meditates further on the hexing of K-naus*

22. (08) Terry Labonte, Toyota, Carter/Simo Racing

Two Labontes and no champion's provisional? This is turning out to be a weird weekend.

23. (6) David Ragan, Ford, UPS

Ragan and the Goats (the next great rock band) won the Nationwide race. I predict massive crashing.

24. (1) Martin Truex Jr., Chevrolet, Bass Pro Shops/Tracker

I have abandoned all hope of the Bass Boat Song.

25. (47) Marcos Ambrose, Toyota, Clorox/Kingsford/Bush's Beans

Now we're mixing bleach with beans. This menu just gets worse and worse.

26. (4) Scott Wimmer, Chevrolet, Alpha Natural Resources

As opposed to Omega Natural Resources? Beta? Gamma? Iota?

27. (88) Dale Earnhardt Jr., Chevrolet, Amp Energy Sugar Free/National Guard

Amp with no sugar? Doesn't that sort of defeat the purpose?

28. (78) Regan Smith, Chevrolet, Furniture Row Companies

There's a rumor that Regan might have a ride next year. Or possibly I was delirious when I heard that.

29. (9) Kasey Kahne, Dodge, Budweiser

Well, at least we got Kandy's ass out of the top 10 for a week.

30. (14) Tony Stewart, Chevrolet, Office Depot/Old Spice

Stinking up the back of the field, are we?

31. (7) Robby Gordon, Toyota, Hard Rock Hotel & Casino Las Vegas/The Rogue Joint

Between a Hard Rock and a Crash.

32. (99) Carl Edwards, Ford, Aflac

Quack.

33. (24) Jeff Gordon, Chevrolet, DuPont

Last week: Jeffy tells everybody he's done talking about his back.

This week: Announcers start chit-chatting about him leaving the 24. WTF?

34. (12) David Stremme, Dodge, Penske Racing

If they put Keselowski in this car, I'm gonna blame the hell out of him.

35. (37) Tony Raines, Dodge, Long John Silver's

Arrr! It's the Dread Pirate Raines!

36. (55) Michael Waltrip, Toyota, NAPA Auto Parts
37. (31) Jeff Burton, Chevrolet, Caterpillar

Nothing on either. Did I mention I was sick?

38. (77) Sam Hornish Jr., Dodge, Mobil 1

I have yet to have to explain the nickname "Smash" to anyone remotely familiar with Cup.

39. (98) Paul Menard, Ford, Peak/Menards

I'm not sure if it was Sideburns in that Menards get-up at the Nationwide race, but his girlfriend, whoever she was, was about to choke herself. "Hand on heart" does not mean "hand around throat," silly woman.

40. (34) John Andretti, Chevrolet, Taco Bell

I have no appetite, so yo no quiero.

41. (11) Denny Hamlin, Toyota, FedEx Ground

Nope. Nothing on Damnlin.

42. (19) Elliott Sadler, Dodge, Stanley Tools

*facepalm* Ellyut. Dude.

43. (87) Joe Nemechek, Toyota, NEMCO Motorsports

Do something, Nemechek. Anything.

Did Not Qualify

(09) Aric Almirola, Dodge, Miccosukee Resort & Gaming

The possible etymology of the name "Miccosukee" is the Spanish "micos sucios," which apparently means "dirty monkeys." Those conquistadores.

(13) Max Papis, Toyota, GEICO

Nooo! Bring back Il Gecko Italiano!

(36) Mike Skinner, Toyota, Guy Fieri Knuckle Sandwich

We can only handle so much Mike Spinner in a season.

(64) Mike Wallace, Toyota, Fred's Hometown Discount Store

See, if you were named David, you would have made the field.

Pole Follies: Michigan

2009-08-15T17:33:01Z

1. (83) Brian Vickers, Toyota, Red Bull

Newman gets six poles in a season, he's the Rocket Man. Where is Teh Squish's cute nickname?

Oh, well, he is TEH SQUISH!

2. (5) Mark Martin, Chevrolet, Kellogg's/Carquest

To paraphrase Motley Crue, don't go away mad. Just go away.

3. (42) Juan Pablo Montoya, Chevrolet, Target

Jayski says this is the tenth time all season that the Mantoy has qualified in the top 10.

Jayski has nothing on who lit the fire under the Mantoy's butt.

4. (48) Jimmie Johnson, Chevrolet, Lowe's

A hex on thee and thy crew chief. Here, have this one. I stole it from Snrch.

5. (1) Martin Truex Jr., Chevrolet, Bass Pro Shops/Tracker

Who are you and what have you done with Trufax?

6. (2) Kurt Busch, Dodge, Miller Lite

The top headline on the #2 page on Jayski: Busch, Johnson make up

We need to get together and donate some innuendo filters to that poor guy.

7. (39) Ryan Newman, Chevrolet, Haas Automation

Newman will apparently remain an only child, as his boss is saying there won't be a third car next year.

8. (20) Joey Logano, Toyota, The Home Depot

Kentucky called. They're missing a horse.

9. (21) Bill Elliott, Ford, Quick Lane Tire & Auto Center

Never heard of it.

10. (9) Kasey Kahne, Dodge, Budweiser

His consistency in qualifying is annoying me, and I don't know why.

11. (82) Scott Speed, Toyota, Red Bull

If I wear my new Speed shirt with the cute little skellies on it to Mass, will I get kicked out of the church?

12. (25) Brad Keselowski, Chevrolet, GoDaddy.com

If Danica Patrick does come to NASCAR, I am going to pull against her, based solely on those stupid GoDaddy.com commercials.

13. (44) A.J. Allmendinger, Dodge, Super 8
14. (77) Sam Hornish Jr., Dodge, Mobil 1

Super 8, Mobil 1, duck before Smash hits you.... I smell a new generation of nursery rhymes. Have we any budding Theodore Geisels in the readership?

15. (88) Dale Earnhardt Jr., Chevrolet, National Guard/Amp Energy

You know, if we could transfer the hex from Junior to K-naus, we could make millions of people happy.

16. (11) Denny Hamlin, Toyota, FedEx Office

The local Hobby Lobby has a Damnlin model car on the clearance rack.

17. (16) Greg Biffle, Ford, 3M Scotch Tough Duct Tape

MacGyver: Now Biffle's biggest fan.

18. (14) Tony Stewart, Chevrolet, Office Depot/Old Spice

1814: Samuel Colt was born.

19. (26) Jamie McMurray, Ford, Crown Royal

NASCAR drivers: Proving for 60 years that marriage has detrimental effects on one's hair.

20. (12) David Stremme, Dodge, Penske Racing

This is a #blamestremme-free zone.

21. (24) Jeff Gordon, Chevrolet, DuPont

Jeffy has decided to quit discussing his back injury. I suspect this was prompted by some silly reporter asking him how he can keep picking up Ella.

22. (29) Kevin Harvick, Chevrolet, Shell/Pennzoil

I haven't been keeping up with Twitter. Has Harvick learned how to type yet?

23. (33) Clint Bowyer, Chevrolet, Cheerios/Hamburger Helper

I told you last week that that was a bad food combo. Why aren't you listening to me?

24. (7) Robby Gordon, Toyota, Moen

Plumbing? Plumbing?

25. (17) Matt Kenseth, Ford, Dewalt

The Evil One has been suspiciously absent lately. I suppose even Evil Ones can become sleep-deprived with a new baby around, though.

26. (47) Marcos Ambrose, Toyota, Little Debbie/Kingsford/Clorox

I needs me some Swiss Rolls.

27. (31) Jeff Burton, Chevrolet, Caterpillar

Speaking of hex removal, I think we need to clear the one on this car too. K-naus can take it.

28. (09) Mike Bliss, Dodge, Miccosukee Resort & Gaming

The field is Blissful.

Of course, after 20 laps at Messygan, the field will be blissfully asleep.

29. (34) John Andretti, Chevrolet, Carfax

No Taco Bell? But yo quiero.

30. (55) Michael Waltrip, Toyota, NAPA Auto Parts
31. (00) David Reutimann, Toyota, Aaron's Dream Machine

And here's the rest of MWR.

32. (99) Carl Edwards, Ford, Aflac

Aflac duck v. duct tape: Flipper loses.

33. (96) Bobby Labonte, Ford, DLP

Oh, come on. I need gimmicks like Ask Bobby to keep from having to produce original material.

34. (19) Elliott Sadler, Dodge, Stanley Tools

I don't know how it's possible, considering that the only driver more extroverted than Ellyut is Mikey, but neither I nor Jayski have anything on him.

Hmph.

35. (98) Paul Menard, Ford, Moen/Menards

Is there something going on with you and Crash that we should know about?

36. (71) David Gilliland, Chevrolet, TaxSlayer.com

Gilly the Tax Slayer. Frankly, I think he'd be better off slaying dragons.

37. (6) David Ragan, Ford, UPS

I choose to like UPS this week, because they got me my schoolbooks in time. Now, I just have to keep Waffle out of the box.

38. (87) Joe Nemechek, Toyota, NEMCO Motorsports

Nothing on Joe. He just takes too much care of his cars.

39. (18) Kyle Busch, Toyota, Interstate Batteries

Aw, did the poor widdle Second Coming have quawifying twubble?

40. (43) Reed Sorenson, Dodge, Auto Value/Bumper to Bumper

Reed: Not existing since 2000...um...sometime. We didn't notice.

41. (66) Dave Blaney, Toyota, Prism Motorsports

You guys must be at least breaking even on this start'n'park thing, seeing as how you keep doing it.

42. (07) Casey Mears, Chevrolet, Jack Daniel's

Bubbles Advises: Lose the facial hair; provide more Samantha Mae sightings.

43. (36) Mike Skinner, Toyota, Guy Fieri Knuckle Sandwich

Yep. That's a Spinner-type sponsor, all right.

Did Not Qualify

(37) Tony Raines, Dodge, Long John Silver's

No Dread Pirate Raines? Rats.

Pole Follies: Watkins Glen

2009-08-08T23:15:41Z

1. (48) Jimmie Johnson, Chevrolet, Lowe's

After much discussion, I have come to the conclusion that we are all hexing the wrong guy. It's not Jimbo we need to worry about. We need to hex the heck out of K-naus.

I don't care if the boy wins four championships, I just don't want him winning four in a row.

2. (2) Kurt Busch, Dodge, Miller Lite

RCSOQ!

3. (11) Denny Hamlin, Toyota, FedEx Freight

You know you're an obsessed NASCAR fan when you rewind the police show you're watching to see if you can recognize the cars on the blurry screen in the background behind one of the cops.

4. (47) Marcos Ambrose, Toyota, Little Debbie/Kingsford/Clorox

Report: Ambrose refers to Kyle Busch as "nice"; taken immediately after race for drug testing

5. (12) David Stremme, Dodge, Penske Racing

There will be no blaming of Stremme here. *stern look* This is a blame Logano zone.

6. (39) Ryan Newman, Chevrolet, U.S. Army

Since I have nothing to say on Newman, allow me to take this opportunity to wish The Boo, beloved offspring of Newman fan eliz, a very happy birthday!

7. (16) Greg Biffle, Ford, 3M

Roush has the prettiest burgundy Biffle backpacks.

And if it's not strong enough for my schoolbooks, I'll use it for my needlepoint.

8. (18) Kyle Busch, Toyota, M&M's

Report: Scrub whines about aggressive driving; world responds with collective eyeroll

9. (08) Boris Said, Ford, U.S. Chrome

Saidheads! Do the Dance of Boris!

10. (42) Juan Pablo Montoya, Chevrolet, Target

McMerry and the Mantoy. That sounds like the title of--well.

11. (07) Casey Mears, Chevrolet, Jack Daniel's

*blink*

Um, maveness? We'll be going to Roush every Friday so I can make snide comments about Snrch from now on.

12. (9) Kasey Kahne, Dodge, Budweiser

I gots nothing on Kandy Kahne, except to say that if he gets any scrawnier we'll be able to stuff him into a box and call him Christmas Kandy.

13. (14) Tony Stewart, Chevrolet, Old Spice/Office Depot

We didn't make it to the Stewart-Haas shop yesterday. Probably a good thing.

14. (98) Paul Menard, Ford, Sylvania/Menards

I hope he sharpens the sideburns before tomorrow. He'll be needing them to get out of the kitty litter.

15. (71) Andy Lally, Chevrolet, Adobe Road Winery

Wait--I thought we did winery sponsors at Sears Point.

16. (13) Max Papis, Toyota, GEICO

Il Gecko Italiano! *confetti*

17. (55) Patrick Carpentier, Toyota, NAPA Auto Parts

Le Favorite Frenchyperson! And he's next to Il Gecko Italiano! *more confetti*

18. (44) A.J. Allmendinger, Dodge, Stanley Tools

1844: The last pair of Great Auks were killed.

19. (19) Elliott Sadler, Dodge, Best Buy

Double RCSOQ!

20. (83) Brian Vickers, Toyota, Red Bull

I now own a pretty, plain, blue Vickers shirt. Can I tell you just how much I love Red Bull's merchandising?

(A scrunchy would've killed you?)

21. (29) Kevin Harvick, Chevrolet, Shell/Pennzoil

Reading Harvick's Tweets will make a Grammar Nazi weep. He types worse than Nadeau, and I never thought I'd ever be able to say that.

22. (7) Robby Gordon, Toyota, Jim Beam

Report: Crash lives up to name, crashes; shocking lack of surprise from race fans

23. (1) Martin Truex Jr., Chevrolet, Bass Pro Shops/Tracker

Well, at least we'll be able to recognize your car this week.

24. (26) Jamie McMurray, Ford, Crown Royal

Roush hasn't committed to an official sale on Jamie merchandise. The shop is, however, offering a bundle deal on shirts and caps.

25. (00) David Reutimann, Toyota, Aaron's Dream Machine

Most amusing sight of the tour: The wrecked and repaired front end of Root's Pocono car, with a label referring to it as "the Denny Hamlin special."

26. (82) Scott Speed, Toyota, Red Bull

I now own a Scott Speed shirt. In my defense, it was my size and had the cutest little skulls all over it.

(What? Some women gush over unicorns and puppies. I don't judge them.)

27. (96) Bobby Labonte, Ford, DLP

Speaking of TVs, I think mine is trying to die. I hope not.

28. (43) Reed Sorenson, Dodge, McDonald's

Rumors had Villanoovy replacing Reed this week, but apparently Reed recovered from inhaling.

Inhaling carbon monoxide, geez. I'm guessing that, in the immortal words of Kenny Schrader, they broke "something important."

29. (5) Mark Martin, Chevrolet, Carquest/Kellogg's

Roush has bronze plaques of all the drivers that ever won a Cup race for him. That's the scariest damn picture of Mark Martin you'll ever see. It's got more teeth than Edwards and Logano combined.

30. (31) Jeff Burton, Chevrolet, Caterpillar

*consults notes*

*can't find notes*

Jeffy, do you think you might, I dunno, do something?

31. (24) Jeff Gordon, Chevrolet, DuPont

Somebody took a wrong turn on the way to qualifying.

32. (88) Dale Earnhardt Jr., Chevrolet, National Guard/Amp Energy

Hendrick has a massive amount of Junior stuff on sale. Draw your own conclusions.

33. (99) Carl Edwards, Ford, Aflac

1/3(RCSOQ)

34. (34) John Andretti, Chevrolet, Taco Bell

Triple RCSOQ!

35. (20) Joey Logano, Toyota, The Home Depot

I don't think Mr. Ed is the correct name. Perhaps we shall start calling him Tom Turkey. A horse would be smart enough to realize his ass was on fire.

36. (77) Sam Hornish Jr., Dodge, Mobil 1

I hope you all made a note last week. Smash didn't hit anything hard enough to cause problems.

37. (09) Ron Fellows, Chevrolet, Miccosukee Resort & Gaming

We've got a Canadian running a road race in New York for a tribal casino in Florida. Man, I love this sport.

38. (33) Clint Bowyer, Chevrolet, Cheerios/Hamburger Helper

I've told you time and again, Cheerios and Hamburger Helper do not mix well.

39. (04) P.J. Jones, Toyota, Jim Beam/Menards

tenel will be thrilled.

40. (6) David Ragan, Ford, UPS

Ragan is either very polite, very paranoid, or very forgetful. According to the stand-ups for sale at Roush, he has an "O +" on his uniform belt.

We can't figure out what it would be other than his blood type, but really, on the belt?

(Incidentally, that's also my blood type.)

41. (66) Dave Blaney, Toyota, Prism Motorsports

Dear Blaney: I know you guys don't have any money or anything, but can't you at least run through the first fuel run? It's not like you haven't already paid for the gas and tires.

42. (17) Matt Kenseth, Ford, Dewalt

This can't be good. For everybody else, I mean.

43. (37) Tony Ave, Dodge, Long John Silver's

Arrr--HEY! That's not Tony the Good Pirate! Who are you?

Did Not Qualify

(87) Joe Nemechek, Toyota, NEMCO Motorsports

Pictures of Nadeau at the Hendrick Shop: 2

Pictures of Nemechek: 1

Pictures of Scrub: 0

Pictures of Mears: 0

(36) Brian Simo, Toyota, Tommy Baldwin Racing

*checks watch* Ah, yes, I thought it was about time for you to exist.

(70) David Gilliland, Chevrolet, TaxSlayer.com

Gilly, I love you as much as the next insane person, but I can't picture you as a slayer of anything.

Pole Follies: Pocono

2009-08-01T21:23:58Z

1. (14) Tony Stewart, Chevrolet, Old Spice Swagger

Bluto swaggered a bit too much, wrecked the car, and will be sashaying to the back of the field.

*blinks* Did I just put "Bluto" and "sashay" into the same sentence? Oy.

2. (48) Jimmie Johnson, Chevrolet, Lowe's

Somebody slash his tires. I don't want him breaking Cale's record.

3. (24) Jeff Gordon, Chevrolet, DuPont

Well, there was one good thing about Indy: Ella sightings pre-race increased.

4. (2) Kurt Busch, Dodge, Miller Lite

Obviously Dumbo likes his namesake School of Qualifying. Ever since we established it, his ass has been shellacked in the appropriate points position.

5. (99) Carl Edwards, Ford, Aflac

These wild fluctuations in Flipper prices just can't be good for the economy.

6. (11) Denny Hamlin, Toyota, FedEx Express

We've reached a point where Damnlin is the smart, respectable driver at Gibbs. God help us all.

7. (39) Ryan Newman, Chevrolet, Haas Automation

Dammit, I had a Newman joke someplace and I misplaced it.

8. (9) Kasey Kahne, Dodge, Budweiser

Please to be giving the good car to Ellyut this week kthxbai.

9. (5) Mark Martin, Chevrolet, Cheez-It/Carquest

I've got an idea. Let's schedule an appearance for him at a senior center and tell the residents that he's against Social Security.

10. (42) Juan Pablo Montoya, Chevrolet, Target

Mantoy, I feel your pain, but the time has come to kwityerbitchin and move on. You sped.

11. (16) Greg Biffle, Ford, 3M

Since Biffle is on all my blood drive reminders, why isn't he running a Red Cross scheme at a Red Cross race?

12. (17) Matt Kenseth, Ford, Dewalt

I have problems envisioning Kenseth in purple. Purple's just not evil. Unless it's Barney.

13. (00) David Reutimann, Toyota, Aaron's Dream Machine

I'd be careful of my dreams in the Pocono Triangle. Weird things happen there. Why, I heard that one time, Kyle Busch turned into a gentleman.

14. (18) Kyle Busch, Toyota, M&M's

Report: Scrub still obnoxious twit. Film at 11.

15. (83) Brian Vickers, Toyota, Red Bull

TEH SQUISH!

16. (33) Clint Bowyer, Chevrolet, The Hartford

I bet the Hartford is just thrilled that their car is driven by a square-jawed guy from Kansas.

17. (31) Jeff Burton, Chevrolet, Caterpillar

1731: The Treaty of Vienna was signed. Of course, if you know anything about European history, you know that's kinda like saying "the Treaty of Versailles" was signed. Really, they should have hired at least one person with an imagination.

18. (47) Marcos Ambrose, Toyota, iRacing.com/Kingsford/Clorox

THEY STOLE MY SWISS ROLLS!

19. (20) Joey Logano, Toyota, The Home Depot

1920: The last time anybody but the announcers gave a flying fuck about Mr. Ed.

20. (26) Jamie McMurray, Ford, Crown Royal

It's official: McMerry is now McMarried. rivensky saw the new Mrs. at the DMV, changing her name on her driver's license.

He got married, then he lost his sponsor. Hm. This may not bode well.

21. (07) Casey Mears, Chevrolet, Jack Daniel's

Snrch's grandmother died this week.

22. (88) Dale Earnhardt Jr., Chevrolet, Amp Energy/National Guard

1/4(RCSOQ)

23. (29) Kevin Harvick, Chevrolet, Shell/Pennzoil

Tsk tsk. This used to be a guaranteed Great Depression qualifying spot.

24. (1) Martin Truex Jr., Chevrolet, Bass Pro Shops/Tracker

I give up.

25. (19) Elliott Sadler, Dodge, Stanley Tools

So, if you're married and McMerry is married, does that mean your season is going to improve or that his is going to go even farther downhill?

26. (43) Reed Sorenson, Dodge, U.S. Air Force

If Happy Hour is any indication, Reed is in a black car this week. Because, you know, we didn't have enough of those on track.

27. (44) A.J. Allmendinger, Dodge, Valvoline

Call me petty (see what I did there?), but I really do wish RPM would stick one sponsor on one driver and leave it alone.

28. (96) Bobby Labonte, Ford, DLP

That's okay, I didn't have any questions anyway. Hmph.

29. (77) Sam Hornish Jr., Dodge, PPG

I'm guessing that's not the Powerpuff Girls.

It'd better not be, because the only driver I trust to carry a bright-pink Powerpuff scheme is Jerry Nadeau.

30. (6) David Ragan, Ford, UPS

Report: Ragan believes babies brought by UPS. Or possibly a stork. Or possibly a stork using UPS.

(Sorry, loldrivers. Couldn't help it.)

31. (55) Michael Waltrip, Toyota, NAPA Auto Parts

I gots nothing on Mikey.

32. (12) David Stremme, Dodge, Penske Racing

I don't #blamestremme. I #blameloganothetoothy.

33. (98) Paul Menard, Ford, Moen/Menards

Menard hasn't been slicing through the field lately. Obviously we need to sharpen the sideburns.

34. (7) Robby Gordon, Toyota, Robby Gordon Motorsports

Well, he was bound to alienate all of his potential sponsors at some point.

35. (34) John Andretti, Chevrolet, Taco Bell

Hm. I could go for some Taco Bell.

36. (09) Sterling Marlin, Dodge, Miccosukee Resort & Gaming

It's the good kind of silverfish.

37. (82) Scott Speed, Toyota, Red Bull

Yeah, you're gonna have to speed to catch up with the rest of the field.

38. (71) David Gilliland, Chevrolet, National Leiomyosarcoma Foundation

Oh, great. Krusty's gonna be mangling that one so bad it'll make Larry Mac sound intelligent.

39. (87) Joe Nemechek, Toyota, NEMCO Motorsports

No notes on NEMCO.

40. (66) Dave Blaney, Toyota, Prism Motorsports

BLANEY!

41. (36) Patrick Carpentier, Toyota, Guy Fieri Knuckle Sandwich

Why is Le Favorite Frenchyperson stuck with a sponsor that was way more appropriate to Mike Skinner?

42. (64) Mike Wallace, Toyota, Air Combat USA/Fred's Hometown Discount Store

Why is Misogyny Mike attacking Fred's with airplanes? Do they only hire women?

43. (37) Tony Raines, Dodge, Long John Silver's

Arrrrr, Pole Follies will be givin' a prize to the first reader that can convince Tony the Good to dress up as a pirate for Halloween.

Pole Follies: Indianapolis

2009-07-25T22:09:23Z

1. (5) Mark Martin, Chevrolet, Carquest/Kellogg's

Have I told you lately that I don't like you?

2. (42) Juan Pablo Montoya, Chevrolet, Target

You go, Juan Paolo.

3. (88) Dale Earnhardt Jr., Chevrolet, Amp Energy/National Guard

Damn. We should've given you swine flu three months ago.

4. (21) Bill Elliott, Ford, Motorcraft

Go.
The.
Fuck.
A.
Way.

5. (00) David Reutimann, Toyota, Aaron's Dream Machine

Cheap Roots!

Wait a minute. That sounds like a bad hair salon.

6. (83) Brian Vickers, Toyota, Red Bull

TEH SQUISH! will kick Old Man Martin's butt.

7. (14) Tony Stewart, Chevrolet, Old Spice/Office Depot

JPMSOQ!

8. (9) Kasey Kahne, Dodge, Budweiser

Close but no RCSOQ.

9. (43) Reed Sorenson, Dodge, Valvoline

Reed. He tries so hard, yet never manages to exist.

10. (33) Clint Bowyer, Chevrolet, Cheerios/Hamburger Helper

Cheerios and Hamburger Helper? Why not just stir some Jack Daniel's into the mix?

11. (47) Marcos Ambrose, Toyota, Little Debbie/Kingsford/Clorox

I have Swiss Rolls. Whee!

12. (16) Greg Biffle, Ford, 3M Pistonz Ear Plugs

Earplugs are an acceptable sponsor. That, however, is not an acceptable spelling. Please correct it.

13. (1) Martin Truex Jr., Chevrolet, Guitar Hero
14. (11) Denny Hamlin, Toyota, FedEx Office

Did you two plan that?

15. (77) Sam Hornish Jr., Dodge, Mobil 1

Bubbles the Amazing predicts that Smash will go smash. Also that the sun will rise in the east, that the media will continue to inflate Logano's ego, and that Kyle Busch will be an ass.

16. (48) Jimmie Johnson, Chevrolet, Lowe's/Kobalt Tools

Dear Ray Evernham:

At no point has Jimmie Johnson ever been considered "California Flash." Especially not since the onset of Raoul and Francisco.

FAIL.

17. (39) Ryan Newman, Chevrolet, Haas Automation

Ryan's daddy, not knowing how much damage could be done to the psyche by parental expectations, apparently decreed his baby boy's career choice in the delivery room.

Dude. No wonder Ryan has dogs and not kids.

18. (20) Joey Logano, Toyota, The Home Depot

Report: Giant "balloon" sighted over Indianapolis proves to be Logano's ego

19. (29) Kevin Harvick, Chevrolet, Shell/Pennzoil

The Kevin Harvick Great Depression School of Qualifying.

20. (18) Kyle Busch, Toyota, Snickers

I snicker with the best of them. Especially at Scrub.

21. (12) David Stremme, Dodge, Penske Racing

CMPSOQ!

22. (24) Jeff Gordon, Chevrolet, DuPont
23. (55) Michael Waltrip, Toyota, NAPA Auto Parts

I'm not sure if that's really good for Mikey or really bad for Jeffy.

24. (26) Jamie McMurray, Ford, Crown Royal

I'm not even going to tell you where Ellyut is. You just pretend he's at the front of the field.

25. (17) Matt Kenseth, Ford, Dewalt

Dewalt will not be back next year.

I hope Carhartt doesn't step up to the plate. I can only do so many Kenseth-the-outdoorsman jokes per year.

26. (82) Scott Speed, Toyota, Red Bull

Vroom.

27. (07) Casey Mears, Chevrolet, Jack Daniel's

Alas, Snrch. I knew him, Horatio.

28. (98) Paul Menard, Ford, Johns Manville/Menards

Report: Gibbs landed Logano ego-balloon by using sharpened sideburns

29. (6) David Ragan, Ford, UPS

You know, David, the goats are highly disappointed in you. So are the other Davids. You're tarnishing their name.

30. (87) Joe Nemechek, Toyota, NEMCO Motorsports

I got nothing on Joe, so I will simply point you to Blogathon 2009.

31. (96) Bobby Labonte, Ford, Ask.com

Dear Bobby: Why is Rusty Wallace so bloody annoying?

32. (7) Robby Gordon, Toyota, Johns Manville/Menards

maveness and I were having a conversation about the now-defunct NASCAR Cafe in Greensboro, NC, and we came to the conclusion that they could have survived if their menu had consisted of a basic hamburger with assorted driver variations. The Kevin Harvick burger would be spicy enough to strangle you; the Junior burger would be your basic NC burger; and, of course, the Juan Pablo burger would be an enchilada.

The Robby Gordon burger would be something stereotypically Californian, but that wouldn't matter, since it would skid off your plate and into the wall.

33. (44) A.J. Allmendinger, Dodge, Hunt Brothers Pizza

Mm. Pizza.

34. (66) Dave Blaney, Toyota, Prism Motorsports

I don't suppose you're going to try to, I dunno, survive to at least the first round of pit stops?

35. (34) John Andretti, Chevrolet, Taco Bell

Pole Follies observes a moment of silence for Gidget, the chihuahua who brought us the famous "Yo quiero Taco Bell."

36. (78) Regan Smith, Chevrolet, Furniture Row Companies

You have my permission to beat Tony Stewart again, if only because it's so amusing to watch him whine when he loses.

37. (71) David Gilliland, Chevrolet, TRG Motorsports

GILLY!

38. (31) Jeff Burton, Chevrolet, Prilosec OTC/Wal-Mart

I always wondered when Wal-Mart would get around to sponsoring a driver. But Jeffybuhton?

39. (36) Mike Skinner, Toyota, Guy Fieri Knuckle Sandwich

Spinner was practically adorable in qualifying. He was so convinced he wasn't going to make the race.

And on another note, how does he keep landing these scarily appropriate sponsors? Shouldn't Kyle Busch at least once land an Assholes R Us sponsorship?

40. (2) Kurt Busch, Dodge, Miller Lite

Take a wrong turn, Dumbo?

41. (99) Carl Edwards, Ford, Aflac

Massive Flipper inflation! He's believing his own hype!

No, wait, that would be Locarno.

42. (19) Elliott Sadler, Dodge, Best Buy

Not at that price, you ain't.

43. (08) Terry Labonte, Toyota, Carter/Simo Racing

To no one's surprise, Terry got in on the champion's provisional.

Did Not Qualify

(09) Sterling Marlin, Dodge, Miccosukee Resort & Gaming

It's okay. The media wouldn't have noticed you anyway.

(13) Max Papis, Toyota, GEICO

What? Il Gecko Italiano is not in the race? I protest vociferously!

(75) Derrike Cope, Dodge, FlipnBags.com

Are those the trash bags that Carl Edwards uses?

Pole Follies: Chicago

2009-07-11T07:31:09Z

1. (83) Brian Vickers, Toyota, Red Bull

Teh Squish is on a roll. A pole roll. Which sounds weird and vaguely squishy, now that I type it.

2. (82) Scott Speed, Toyota, Red Bull

Well, well. Look who finally found the lucky nail polish.

3. (48) Jimmie Johnson, Chevrolet, Lowe's

I have nothing on Jimmie. What a dark day this is.

4. (11) Denny Hamlin, Toyota, FedEx Freight

Dear FedEx: How is it that if something is shipped via FedEx, it shows up in my regular post office mailbox? Do you have any idea how incompetent my mailperson is?

5. (33) Clint Bowyer, Chevrolet, Cheerios

Damn, and I made Hamburger Helper and everything.

6. (18) Kyle Busch, Toyota, M&M's

I'm considering a new feature, akin to the Newman Pole Factoids: the Scrub Stupidity of the Week, which would feature whatever asinine policy that Kyle Busch currently promotes.

This week: If the driver in the lead gets punted on the last lap, NASCAR should take the win away and give it to the second place car.

This is truly phenomenal stupidity. And I say that as a resident of Randolph County, where one can overhear in Wal-Mart that "this weather is all El Camino's fault."

It's also stupidity that hasn't been thought through, since, unless I count my fingers in a different manner than Scrub, Scrub wouldn't win either.

7. (24) Jeff Gordon, Chevrolet, National Guard Patriot Academy/DuPont

DuPont supplies the properly patriotic paint.

8. (21) Bill Elliott, Ford, Motorcraft

Jesus. Every time I think you've gone away, you show up again. I'm going to start calling you Bad Penny.

9. (00) David Reutimann, Toyota, Aaron's Dream Machine

According to Mikey's Twitter, Root enjoys taunting former New York cops in his off-hours.

10. (47) Marcos Ambrose, Toyota, Kingsford/Clorox/Bush's Beans

Ambrose also has a Twitter. Someone with energy and motivation should compile a list of driver/team Twitter accounts.

11. (43) Reed Sorenson, Dodge, McDonald's McCafe

It's going to take more than McCafe to give Reed a personality.

12. (39) Ryan Newman, Chevrolet, U.S. Army

Newman is looking rather chipper lately. Did Chrissy bring home another stray?

13. (88) Dale Earnhardt Jr., Chevrolet, Amp Energy/National Guard

If my mother goes on about his bad season one more time....

14. (5) Mark Martin, Chevrolet, Carquest/Kellogg's

Please retire. You're setting a terrible example for Noisome Bill.

15. (9) Kasey Kahne, Dodge, Budweiser

Kandy was in the worst position possible at the end of that race.

Really. Who wants to be under Kyle Busch?

16. (77) Sam Hornish Jr., Dodge, Mobil 1 Advanced Fuel Economy

The Smash School of Fuel Economy: Wreck early, wreck often; slow cars use less fuel.

17. (6) David Ragan, Ford, UPS

The goats have withdrawn their blessing on the 6, obviously. Perhaps you should sacrifice Jack's hat to the racing gods.

18. (66) Dave Blaney, Toyota, Prism Motorsports

BLANEY! And in the top 20!

19. (42) Juan Pablo Montoya, Chevrolet, Target

1942--was that a bad year or a video game?

20. (44) A.J. Allmendinger, Dodge, Hunt Brothers Pizza

You know, except for NASCAR sponsorship, I've never heard of these people.

21. (1) Martin Truex Jr., Chevrolet, Bass Pro Shops/Tracker

All right, who told Trufax about the Bass Boat Song? At this point, it has to be a conspiracy.

22. (2) Kurt Busch, Dodge, Miller Lite

If you can't get the RCSOQ, at least snag the Triple Threat.

23. (31) Jeff Burton, Chevrolet, Caterpillar

Nothing on any caterpillars. I do have a creepy story about a firefly and a spider outside my kitchen window, though.

24. (20) Joey Logano, Toyota, The Home Depot

Wilbur called. He misses you.

25. (99) Carl Edwards, Ford, Aflac

At least we know Flipper can hide those blindingly white teeth.

26. (09) Mike Bliss, Dodge, Miccosukee Resort & Gaming

The field is Blissful.

27. (98) Paul Menard, Ford, Sylvania/Menards

Sylvania provides the best lighting for razor-sharp sideburns.

28. (29) Kevin Harvick, Chevrolet, Shell/Pennzoil

Man, just one number off!

29. (25) Brad Keselowski, Chevrolet, GoDaddy.com

The GoDaddy commercials are becoming offensive. Where are their commercials for the women looking for webhosts?

30. (26) Jamie McMurray, Ford, Sears Auto Center/Valvoline

McMerry has been reduced to shopping at Sears?

31. (87) Joe Nemechek, Toyota, New York City Bagel Deli

*checks calendar* Maybe we should have saved that sponsor for Watkins Glen.

32. (14) Tony Stewart, Chevrolet, Office Depot "Back to School"

Which reminds me: Your intrepid Pole Follies reporter has acquired the proper funding for continuing her edumacation! Rejoice!

33. (17) Matt Kenseth, Ford, USG Sheetrock

Kaylin Nicola Kenseth, also known as "The End of The Late Night Ice Cream Runs," arrived on Monday.

Now, when do we get pictures?

34. (19) Elliott Sadler, Dodge, Insignia

Air Force? Army? Navy? Marines? Coast Guard? Boy Scouts? Girl Scouts? Give us a hint, here.

35. (16) Greg Biffle, Ford, 3M

Does 3M make insignia? Ellyut needs some.

36. (12) David Stremme, Dodge, Penske Racing

There seems to be a Twitter thing about blaming Stremme. I thought that was only Kandy Kahne.

37. (55) Michael Waltrip, Toyota, NAPA Auto Parts

A gem from Mikey's Twitter, completely unedited: i wish i was bi like juan

Ponder.

I'll wait for the giggles to die down.

Incidentally, the next tweet: lingual. bilingual i meant. i skippped one word and it changed the whole meaning of my message. darnit

Everyone who thinks that was unintentional, please register for your week-long solitary confinement with This Week in NASCAR reruns.

38. (07) Casey Mears, Chevrolet, Jack Daniel's

If I weren't on medication, I swear, I'd beg for some sponsor product to ease my misery.

39. (36) Mike Skinner, Toyota, Palermo's Pizza

There seems to be a shitload of pizza in this week's field. Does Chicago have some kind of specialty this Southern girl doesn't know about?

40. (34) John Andretti, Chevrolet, Long John Silver's Baja Fish Tacos

Fish tacos? Ew.

41. (7) Robby Gordon, Toyota, Red Stag by Jim Beam/Kid Rock

Red Stag? That sounds like part of a "blew a tranny" joke.

42. (96) Bobby Labonte, Ford, DLP HDTV

Whoa, long time no see! Will there be a commercial involving Bobby, a creepy girl, and a small mammoth?

43. (71) David Gilliland, Chevrolet, TRG Motorsports

GILLY!

Did Not Qualify

(37) Tony Raines, Dodge, Long John Silver's Baja Fish Tacos

I reiterate: Ew.

And also waaaaah. No Good Tony.

(51) Dexter Bean, Dodge, LiveWire Energy

Has Bean.

Possibly even Has A. Bean.

(64) Mike Wallace, Toyota, Dunham Cellars

Stuff Misogyny Mike into a cellar? Sounds like fun to me.

Pole Follies: Daytona

2009-07-03T23:57:26Z

We continue to prove that the quickest way to cause a rainstorm is to schedule a Cup race.

1. (14) Tony Stewart, Chevrolet, Burger King

Okay, if I see so much as one commercial featuring Bluto and that godawful plastic mascot, I am never ever pulling for Bluto again.

2. (24) Jeff Gordon, Chevrolet, DuPont

It's a holiday weekend. Does that mean more Ella?

3. (48) Jimmie Johnson, Chevrolet, Lowe's

Seven minutes into the Nationwide coverage and they're explaining the draft. I'm waiting for the day when they just skip the race and spend the whole time explaining the basics for those two new people who accidentally landed on the wrong station.

4. (2) Kurt Busch, Dodge, Miller Lite

DSOQ.

5. (99) Carl Edwards, Ford, Subway

Be prepared for there to be much ass-kissing toward Roush this week, as the Cat In The Hat Who Cannot Let Go Of Pearl Harbor was apparently "snubbed" by the nominating committee of the NASCAR Hall of Fame.

Since Ricky Craven was the one delivering that news on NASCAR Now, I would like to add that the Clorox Vamp startled me, as I spent a very long heartbeat trying to figure out why Jani Lane was on a sports show. (Obviously he looks like Jani's better days, but my brain sort of froze Warrant in the mid 90s.)

6. (11) Denny Hamlin, Toyota, FedEx Office

Dear FedEx: Where is my Frontline? I ordered it a week ago. I would like to eliminate the ticks, kthxbai.

7. (39) Ryan Newman, Chevrolet, U.S. Army

Well, this is appropriate. I still wonder what happened on Flag Day, though.

8. (18) Kyle Busch, Toyota, Interstate Batteries

Thank you for verifying your assholishness last week by causing Da Big One at New Hampshire--which, by Pole Follies definition, is fucking impossible. Nothing like having half the field taken out by one dumb move.

9. (16) Greg Biffle, Ford, 3M Scotch-Brite

I don't know if this happens in the rest of the country, but around here, the Red Cross puts the Biff on blood drive reminder cards.

10. (17) Matt Kenseth, Ford, R+L Global Services

Not having Katie with him is adversely affecting the Evil One. I just saw an interview in which he was not only stammering, but talking slowly.

11. (5) Mark Martin, Chevrolet, Carquest/Kellogg's

Stand still. We're going to see if you fit in a cereal box.

12. (42) Juan Montoya, Chevrolet, Target

Why do they leave out his other name? Everybody calls him Juan Pablo, not just Juan. Well, unless you're Larry Mac, in which case this is Juan Paolo Mantoy, but Larry Mac is a special case.

13. (9) Kasey Kahne, Dodge, Budweiser

I feel pretty, oh so pretty....

14. (00) David Reutimann, Toyota, Aaron's Dream Machine

You just had to tell Logano to stay near the car, didn't you? That's a week on the shitlist for you, Davey-boy.

15. (33) Clint Bowyer, Chevrolet, Cheerios/Hamburger Helper

I like Hamburger Helper as much as the next inept cook, but trust me, it does not do well with Cheerios.

16. (31) Jeff Burton, Chevrolet, Caterpillar

Speaking of cat toys, you do not want to know how many I've found in rearranging the living room. It's rather scary.

17. (83) Brian Vickers, Toyota, Red Bull

Last week, he picked a fight with his teammate. Obviously Vickers does not want to be seen as squishable any more.

18. (47) Marcos Ambrose, Toyota, Kingsford/Clorox/Bush's Beans

I looked for Australian events in 1847, but apparently nothing happened there the whole year.

19. (88) Dale Earnhardt Jr., Chevrolet, National Guard "Serving America"/Amp Energy

1988: Very big year for your intrepid Pole Follies reporter.

In other news, why is the National Guard serving America Amp Energy? Because I really wanted a Pepsi.

20. (07) Casey Mears, Chevrolet, Jack Daniel's

2007: The last decent year for either Snrch or your intrepid Pole Follies reporter.

21. (20) Joey Logano, Toyota, The Home Depot

Oh, go chip a tooth.

22. (26) Jamie McMurray, Ford, Irwin Marathon Saw Blades
23. (19) Elliott Sadler, Dodge, Stanley Tools

Awwwwwwwwww. And look, they have competing sponsors, too.

24. (1) Martin Truex Jr., Chevrolet, Bass Pro Shops/Tracker

Tonight would be an excellent time to retaliate. Just sayin'.

25. (77) Sam Hornish Jr., Dodge, Mobil 1

Smash, in a desperate attempt to make up for the other week when he hit nothing at all, careened into the wall during practice, taking Biffle with him.

26. (43) Reed Sorenson, Dodge, U.S. Air Force

Reed needs a personality. Or something. I'm running out of Air Force jokes.

27. (29) Kevin Harvick, Chevrolet, Pennzoil Platinum

Harvick, Harvick, Harvick. You used to be so interesting.

28. (96) Bobby Labonte, Ford, Academy Sports + Outdoors

I can't ask a question this week? Waaah.

29. (55) Michael Waltrip, Toyota, NAPA Auto Parts

I got nothing on Mikey.

30. (44) A.J. Allmendinger, Dodge, Paralyzed Veterans of America

Oy.

31. (6) David Ragan, Ford, UPS

UPS knows where to bring my packages. *grumble mumble*

32. (12) David Stremme, Dodge, Penske Racing

I have been informed that Stremme does, indeed, have a sponsor, but the ridiculous pettiness of Sprint forbids its mention on-air or in the lineup.

Dear Sprint: *sticks tongue out*

33. (98) Paul Menard, Ford, Johns Manville/Menards
34. (7) Robby Gordon, Toyota, Mapei/Menards

If Crash develops a sudden onset case of sharpened sideburns, I'm going to consider finding a different sport.

35. (34) John Andretti, Chevrolet, Taco Bell

Yes, I still quiero.

36. (09) Brad Keselowski, Chevrolet, Miccosukee Resort & Gaming

Look out, Flipper.

37. (82) Scott Speed, Toyota, Red Bull

Do try not to run into Vickers in the Nationwide race this week, okay?

38. (71) David Gilliland, Chevrolet, TRG Motorsports

GILLY!

39. (87) Joe Nemechek, Toyota, NEMCO Motorsports

Nope. Gots nothing.

40. (66) Dave Blaney, Toyota, Prism Motorsports

BLANEY!

41. (36) Patrick Carpentier, Toyota, Tommy Baldwin Racing

Le Favorite Frenchyperson!

Yes, I know, he's pulling a start'n'park, which is phenomenally stupid at a plate track, since God only knows when ~~Kyle Busch~~ some idiot will take out half the field and give them a surprise top-20, but hey, it's Le Favorite Frenchyperson!

42. (37) Tony Raines, Dodge, Gander Mountain/Remington

Ooh! I know those! Those are real sponsors!

Also, apropos of nothing, last night I watched a Garfield cartoon in which he was driving a car in a dream sequence. Car number? #37.

43. (78) Regan Smith, Chevrolet, Furniture Row Companies

Not to be confused with the Furniture Row Battalions.

Did Not Qualify

(13) Max Papis, Toyota, GEICO

Noooo! We need Il Gecko Italiano!

(64) Mike Wallace, Toyota, Fred's Hometown Discount Store

Fred?

My father does not have a discount store, thankyouverymuch. /insidejoke

Pole Follies: New Hampshire

2009-06-27T20:38:29Z

It rained in Loudon, so we resort to owner points.

1. (14) Tony Stewart, Chevrolet, Old Spice/Office Depot

We've all seen the ArmorAll commercial where he stares at his car all afternoon, right?

maveness finds it amazing that he doesn't move while there's a girl all over him. I find it more amazing that the Slurpee never melts.

2. (24) Jeff Gordon, Chevrolet, DuPont

ELLA! ELLA! ELLA!

3. (48) Jimmie Johnson, Chevrolet, Lowe's/Kobalt Tools

Chad: Jimmie, I take it back. Please wear this hat until your hair grows back and you look less like a famine victim.

4. (2) Kurt Busch, Dodge, Miller Lite

This is now officially the Dumbo School of Qualifying. Double your car number, double the square footage of your ears.

5. (99) Carl Edwards, Ford, Aflac

Price cut on Flippers this week! Stock up while you can!

6. (39) Ryan Newman, Chevrolet, Haas Automation

This is not bad for a guy who started out the season destroying more cars than the last Demolition Derby.

7. (11) Denny Hamlin, Toyota, FedEx Ground

The Slurpee School of Qualifying?

8. (16) Greg Biffle, Ford, 3M
9. (18) Kyle Busch, Toyota, Interstate Batteries

Two JPMSOQs in a row. Weirdness.

10. (17) Matt Kenseth, Ford, Dewalt

Apparently Tofu does not care if the upcoming Tofubaby is male or female. I do wonder, however, what excuse he'll use for late-night ice cream runs once the kid's here.

11. (5) Mark Martin, Chevrolet, Carquest/Kellogg's

Go thou awayest.

12. (42) Juan Pablo Montoya, Chevrolet, Target

No, 1613. Fix your watch, man.

13. (9) Kasey Kahne, Dodge, Budweiser

There's only so many "I feel pretty" jokes one can make.

14. (00) David Reutimann, Toyota, Aaron's Dream Machine

I thought the car was the Dream Machine, and Aaron's was the sponsor. Doesn't this phrasing mean the car is sponsoring itself?

15. (31) Jeff Burton, Chevrolet, Lenox Industrial Tools

I guess you can't be a Cat Toy every week.

16. (33) Clint Bowyer, Chevrolet, The Hartford

That'd be an appropriate sponsor if we were racing in Connecticut.

17. (83) Brian Vickers, Toyota, Red Bull

TEH SQUISH!

18. (47) Marcos Ambrose, Toyota, Little Debbie/Kingsford/Clorox

I'm looking through old issues because I think I missed a rule naming, and I still can't get over the trailer selling "koloa" bears at Darlington.
19. (26) Jamie McMurray, Ford, Irwin Vise-Grip

Aw. McMerry's just not going to let go. Isn't it cute?

20. (88) Dale Earnhardt Jr., Chevrolet, National Guard/Amp Energy

I have nothing against Junior, but the next Junior fan that comes up to me and whines about how badly he's doing is going to get hit in the head with my Nadeau street sign.

21. (07) Casey Mears, Chevrolet, Jack Daniel's

On the other hand, I'm surprised Snrch is doing this well.

22. (1) Martin Truex Jr., Chevrolet, TomTom

I thought Junior was the drummer of the group.

23. (19) Elliott Sadler, Dodge, Best Buy

Ellyut apparently wishes Kenseth would bring him ice cream too.

I'm just going to stand over here and let the hordes of dirty-minded fanfic writers play with that.

24. (20) Joey Logano, Toyota, The Home Depot

Those teeth cannot be compared to Flipper's. For one thing, Flipper doesn't manage to show his teeth all the time. Flipper knows how to shut his mouth occasionally.

Locarno, however, talks through his teeth, hence last week's comparison to Mr. Ed.

25. (29) Kevin Harvick, Chevrolet, Shell/Pennzoil

At this rate, he'll get the RCSOQ next week.

26. (77) Sam Hornish Jr., Dodge, Penske Truck Rental/AAA

I bet AAA loves him. By the time he's done, the whole field needs them.

27. (43) Reed Sorenson, Dodge, McDonald's McCafe

Maybe you should put some of that coffee in the car.

28. (96) Bobby Labonte, Ford, Ask.com

Dear Bobby: What in the names of all the unknown racing gods makes a Nationwide team think that NASCAR won't notice if they try to race without a crew chief? At least a few years back, when that team tried without a pit crew, there wasn't a rule against it.

29. (55) Michael Waltrip, Toyota, NAPA Auto Parts

Mikey's back this week. Did we ever figure out why he was gone last week, other than we all assumed Le Favorite Frenchyperson would be better at right turns?

30. (44) A.J. Allmendinger, Dodge, Berlin City Auto Group

I'm guessing Berlin City is not the same as Berlin, because if it is, that's a serious case of geographical misalignment.

31. (6) David Ragan, Ford, UPS

The Father's Day blurb on him last week was actually cute. Needed more goats, though.

32. (12) David Stremme, Dodge, Penske Racing

ABC is playing some extremely wacky music today.

No, not necessarily to do with Stremme, but until he gets a sponsor or gets closer to Juan Paolo (as Larry Mac calls him)....

33. (98) Paul Menard, Ford, Moen/Menards

Coming soon to a hardware store near you: Faucets shaped like sideburns.

34. (7) Robby Gordon, Toyota, Robby Gordon Motorsports

RGM: We wreck everybody.

35. (34) John Andretti, Chevrolet, Taco Bell

Yo quiero.

No, seriously, I do. Wonder if I have time to run get some.

36. (09) Brad Keselowski, Chevrolet, Miccosukee Resort & Gaming

Be gentle, dear. Another upset this year might just kill Weber and Wally--

Wait a minute.

GO KESELOWSKI!

37. (82) Scott Speed, Toyota, Red Bull

Looks like I'm going to have to lecture you on how impossible it is for you to get an RCSOQ.

38. (71) David Gilliland, Chevrolet, TRG Motorsports

Trg. I like that. Trg trg trg trg. Not to be confused with trig, but then, the only driver likely to recognize trig is Newman.

39. (87) Joe Nemechek, Toyota, NEMCO Motorsports

This is definitely not the front row, Joe.

40. (66) Dave Blaney, Toyota, Prism Motorsports

BLANEY!

41. (36) Patrick Carpentier, Toyota, Tommy Baldwin Racing

Le Favorite Frenchyperson! And without stealing Mikey's car!

42. (37) Tony Raines, Dodge, Long John Silver's

Arrr, it be Tony the Good, scourge of the seven field fillers, arr.

(No. I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm sure it's unpronounceable, though.)

43. (78) Regan Smith, Chevrolet, Furniture Row Companies

Well, at least it's somebody we've heard of.

Did Not Qualify

(27) Ted Christopher, Toyota, Kirk Shelmerdine Racing

Who?

(51) Dexter Bean, Dodge, LiveWire Energy

Does that sponsor make you a refried bean?

(64) Mike Wallace, Toyota, Gunselman Motorsports

Gunselman has some bizarre hiring requirements. Billiard Ball the Younger, Mike Spinner, and now Misogyny Mike?

Pole Follies: Sears Point

2009-06-20T22:45:50Z

Pole Follies observes a moment of silence for Carlos Pardo.

And now, the Follies.

1. (83) Brian Vickers, Toyota, Red Bull

Pardon. I need to check to make sure I've got the right week, 'cause I could swear I saw this last week.

2. (18) Kyle Busch, Toyota, M&M's/Transformers

No matter how they tried, nobody could convincingly transform Scrub into a human.

3. (47) Marcos Ambrose, Toyota, Little Debbie/Kingsford/Clorox

I've got nothing on Marcos, but I do have a cat glaring at me like an angry kangaroo.

4. (14) Tony Stewart, Chevrolet, Office Depot/Old Spice

Not quite a CMPSOQ.

5. (9) Kasey Kahne, Dodge, Budweiser

Kandy has been looking particularly pretty lately. Does he have a new makeup sponsorship that we don't know about?

6. (1) Martin Truex Jr., Chevrolet, GE Reveal

Oh, Bass Pro Shops, why has thou forsaken us?

7. (39) Ryan Newman, Chevrolet, Haas Automation

The Army doesn't defend wine country?

8. (19) Elliott Sadler, Dodge, Stanley Tools

Well. This is a name one does not normally associate with road racing.

9. (08) Boris Said, Ford, Carter/Simo Racing

BORIS! Rejoice, all ye SaidHeads!

10. (17) Matt Kenseth, Ford, Dewalt

Warning: You have now left the Kenseth Zone. Please return to the back of the field for maximum racing advantage.

11. (48) Jimmie Johnson, Chevrolet, Lowe's

Call me when Raoul comes back.

12. (20) Joey Logano, Toyota, The Home Depot

The arrogance of Kyle Busch, and the teeth of Mr. Ed.

13. (24) Jeff Gordon, Chevrolet, DuPont

There are Gordon fans, Gordon haters...and then there's the Ella Fan Club.

14. (5) Mark Martin, Chevrolet, Carquest/Kellogg's

I don't know what was worse. Him winning last week, or the little pirouette he did as he climbed out of the car.

15. (16) Greg Biffle, Ford, 3M Post-it

Um, Biffle? You've got to get past this close-but-no-cigar thing.

16. (29) Kevin Harvick, Chevrolet, Shell/Pennzoil

1629: Massachusetts got a Royal Charter.

17. (42) Juan Pablo Montoya, Chevrolet, Target

Has anyone else noticed that the announcers, who weren't that bright in the first place, are now calling him Juan Paolo? He's Colombian, not Portuguese.

18. (77) Sam Hornish Jr., Dodge, Mobil 1

Smash apparently has to go to the back of the field. I guess they thought it would be easier for him to hit things there.

19. (66) Dave Blaney, Toyota, Prism Motorsports

I wanted to say that he was born in 1966, but it seems that he was too early by four years.

20. (44) A.J. Allmendinger, Dodge, Best Buy

Is it so much to ask that they pick one sponsor for Ayjay and one sponsor for Ellyut and leave it alone? I'm getting sponsor whiplash here.

21. (07) Casey Mears, Chevrolet, Jack Daniel's
22. (7) Robby Gordon, Toyota, Menards/Jim Beam

Snrch, this would be an excellent time to put that thrill-seeking gene of yours to use. You know, for things other than putting your infant daughter in go-karts and roller coasters.

On the bright side, at least we know which great racing dynasty will be next to have the traditions carried on by a girl.

23. (26) Jamie McMurray, Ford, Irwin Vise-Grip

Damn, there's that wide-open door again.

24. (11) Denny Hamlin, Toyota, FedEx Office

Damnlin had a chance last week, which is more than he's had in ages and ages.

25. (96) Bobby Labonte, Ford, Ask.com

Dear Bobby: How do we get Wally to shut the fuck up? I stabbed the voodoo doll until it fell apart, and nothing happened.

26. (33) Clint Bowyer, Chevrolet, Cheerios/Hamburger Helper

There is Hamburger Helper in my fridge. I know you wanted to know that.

27. (2) Kurt Busch, Dodge, Miller Lite

Did anyone else have flashbacks to Kurt's Phoenix arrest when Kyle started going on about how "everyone with issues" had an "88 tattooed on their arm"? Definite shades of "You only pulled me over because you're a Gordon fan!"

28. (43) Reed Sorenson, Dodge, Valvoline

Reed's normally quiet, but lately he's been nowhere in sight. He's gotten less screen time than Snrch, which is a bloody miracle.

29. (09) Ron Fellows, Chevrolet, Miccosukee Resort & Gaming

We need a nickname for the Canadian.

30. (98) Paul Menard, Ford, Johns Manville/Menards

I am having to seriously resist the urge to make nonsense noises for half these entries. I don't know what's wrong with me.

31. (87) Joe Nemechek, Toyota, NEMCO Motorsports

According to the venerable and wise maveness, this will magically turn into Scott Speed before racetime. It is unknown if J.K. Rowling is writing the spell, or if we're stealing it from someone else.

32. (71) David Gilliland, Chevrolet, Adobe Road Winery

I'm going to go out on a limb here and guess that that's a local sponsor.

33. (13) Max Papis, Toyota, GEICO

We have Il Gecko Italiano and Le Favorite Frenchyperson! In the same race!

34. (99) Carl Edwards, Ford, Aflac

Edwards actually finished a race decently last week.

35. (88) Dale Earnhardt Jr., Chevrolet, Amp Energy/National Guard

I thought I heard wailing and gnashing of teeth.

36. (31) Jeff Burton, Chevrolet, Caterpillar

Jeffybuhton often does decently when he starts back here.

37. (04) P.J. Jones, Toyota, Jim Beam/Menards

For more information on the P.J. Jones fan club, please contact tenel.

38. (55) Patrick Carpentier, Toyota, NAPA Auto Parts

Oh noes! Le Favorite Frenchyperson stole Mikey's car!

In his defense, however, Mikey made him do it.

39. (12) David Stremme, Dodge, Penske Racing
40. (6) David Ragan, Ford, UPS
41. (34) John Andretti, Chevrolet, Taco Bell
42. (00) David Reutimann, Toyota, Aaron's Dream Machine

This was not a good qualifying run for guys named David.

43. (02) Brandon Ash, Dodge, Efusjon Energy Club

Whoa. You not only exist, but you made the race? Wow.

Now, what the fuck is that sponsor and how in bloody hell do you pronounce it?

Did Not Qualify

(27) Tom Hubert, Toyota, Lilly Trucking of Virginia

As opposed to Magnolia Trucking of Mississippi.

(36) Brian Simo, Toyota, California Outdoor Heritage Alliance

Simo, Simo, Simo.... Nope, no Simo in the notebook. Sure you're supposed to be here?

(37) Chris Cook, Dodge, Long John Silver's

Who are you and what are you doing in Good Tony's car?

(82) Scott Speed, Toyota, Red Bull

This will apparently be Joe Nemechek. Those two have got to be confused at this point. I know I am.

Pole Follies: Michigan

2009-06-13T14:50:52Z

1. (83) Brian Vickers, Toyota, Red Bull

TEH SQUISH! ruins Scrubby's day again! All hail Teh Squish!

2. (18) Kyle Busch, Toyota, M&M's

I have here a memo saying that the SAFER barriers need testing. Get to it, Scrub.

3. (48) Jimmie Johnson, Chevrolet, Lowe's

The multitude of commercials produced near the beginning of the season only cement it: Come back, Raoul.

4. (00) David Reutimann, Toyota, Aaron's Dream Machine

I was going to say something like "Cheap Root" or "Root's cheap this week," but there's just no way to make that sound innocent.

5. (2) Kurt Busch, Dodge, Miller Lite

Waffle disapproves of this driver. I can tell by the way he just jumped off the couch.

6. (44) A.J. Allmendinger, Dodge, Stanley Tools

I'm starting to think that Team Whatever-The-Fuck-Their-Name-Is is giving Ayjay Ellyut's crappy paint scheme in hopes that Ayjay will quit showing up the vets on the team.

7. (42) Juan Pablo Montoya, Chevrolet, Target

Is it just me, or does he do better when they show fewer commercials with him?

8. (9) Kasey Kahne, Dodge, Budweiser

You're just too pretty for a RCSOQ.

9. (33) Clint Bowyer, Chevrolet, Cheerios

I prefer Frosted Flakes.

Mm. I wonder if I have some.

10. (34) John Andretti, Chevrolet, Taco Bell

Well. Obviously I need to go to Taco Bell on qualifying days more often.

11. (14) Tony Stewart, Chevrolet, Office Depot/Old Spice

Now the press can go back to their endless yammering about when Junior will win again.

12. (29) Kevin Harvick, Chevrolet, Shell/Pennzoil

I got nothing on Harvick. But I have learned the difference between "satin" and "sateen." Viva la Wiki!

13. (7) Robby Gordon, Toyota, Red Stag by Jim Beam/Kid Rock

I dunno. Considering Crash's record, I'd think Bret Michaels would be more appropriate. I don't know of Kid Rock running facefirst into any scenery.

14. (11) Denny Hamlin, Toyota, FedEx Express

Did you and Bluto plan that?

15. (21) Bill Elliott, Ford, Motorcraft

I see in your future....a retirement home.... No, wait. If it was a retirement home, Mark Martin wouldn't be on the porch with you.

16. (17) Matt Kenseth, Ford, Carhartt

Because nothing says "manly outdoorsman" like Evil Tofu.

17. (96) Bobby Labonte, Ford, Ask.com

Dear Bobby: How do we get Weber and Dallenbach to shut the fuck up already?

18. (39) Ryan Newman, Chevrolet, U.S. Army

We'll be racing on Flag Day. I'll refrain from insulting Newman. It'll be the least obnoxious show of patriotism we'll see this weekend.

19. (1) Martin Truex Jr., Chevrolet, GE Reveal

Yes. GE will reveal the identity of the Mystery Baby spotted with Trufax at Dover.

20. (16) Greg Biffle, Ford, 3M

Biffle is providing pitifully little in the way of Pole Follies material lately. We may have to resort to drastic measures.

21. (82) Scott Speed, Toyota, Red Bull

My pal Angela doesn't get the appeal of Speed. I say any guy that comes into NASCAR and admits he paints his nails is worth keeping, if only for the shock value.

22. (31) Jeff Burton, Chevrolet, Caterpillar

*ponders*

Yeah, I got nothing.

23. (6) David Ragan, Ford, UPS

Obviously I have been pulling for Ragan too much. He's almost out of the top 35.

24. (20) Joey Logano, Toyota, The Home Depot

A-ha. This memo says the SAFER barriers need two testers. Go help Scrub. You know he loves you.

25. (19) Elliott Sadler, Dodge, Best Buy

Dude, I think the ginormous wedding band is costing you speed.

For the love of God, don't try any stage-jumping while you're wearing it.

26. (12) David Stremme, Dodge, Penske Racing

Stremme: Existing or not existing. Discuss.

27. (24) Jeff Gordon, Chevrolet, National Guard "Year of the NCO"/DuPont

Ella sightings are becoming fewer. Do you have any idea what that will do to your fanbase, Jeffypoo?

28. (43) Reed Sorenson, Dodge, Reynolds Wrap

*blink*

Aw, hell. I can't top the image of Reed wrapped in tinfoil, no matter what I say.

29. (99) Carl Edwards, Ford, Aflac

Gee. You wouldn't think an announcement by GM would affect a Ford driver so much.

30. (88) Dale Earnhardt Jr., Chevrolet, Amp Energy/National Guard

*scratches head* Now, tell me, if the National Guard is his sponsor, and he's the Second Coming, why do they keep showing up on Jeffy's car?

31. (26) Jamie McMurray, Ford, Crown Royal

Lemme guess. The guy that Roush fired over a suicide attempt worked for your team.

32. (5) Mark Martin, Chevrolet, Carquest/Kellogg's

Re-retire already.

33. (77) Sam Hornish Jr., Dodge, Mobil 1

This week on Ripley's Believe It Or Not: Smash did not hit anything last week.

34. (47) Marcos Ambrose, Toyota, RaceSavers.com

It's Messygan. Ain't nothing gonna save this race, hon.

Bring me some Swiss Rolls.

35. (71) David Gilliland, Chevrolet, Charter Air Transport.com

Where are we transporting the air today?

36. (55) Michael Waltrip, Toyota, NAPA Auto Parts

Mikey keeps doing Lowes Foods commercials. Which are so cheap and awkward that not even a sponsor whore like Mikey can make them amusing.

And I say this as a person with half her family employed at Lowes Foods.

37. (07) Casey Mears, Chevrolet, Jack Daniel's

What, you thought you needed a challenge? Bad Snrch. No likker.

38. (98) Paul Menard, Ford, Pittsburgh Paints/Menards

Paint-on sideburns! That's what you need!

39. (66) Dave Blaney, Toyota, Prism Motorsports

BLANEY!

40. (87) Joe Nemechek, Toyota, NEMCO Motorsports

I still think "mattress" whenever I see "NEMCO."

Which I think means Nemechek makes me think of bed. Which is disturbing on so many levels.

41. (37) Tony Raines, Dodge, Long John Silver's

Arrrr, matey.

42. (09) Sterling Marlin, Dodge, Miccosukee Resort & Gaming

*checks calendar* Isn't it about time for Mule Days?

43. (13) Max Papis, Toyota, GEICO

*ponders* We need Il Gecko Italiano and Le Favorite Frenchyperson in the same race.

Did Not Qualify

(36) Mike Skinner, Toyota, Tommy Baldwin Racing

Dear Tommy: Riggsy may not have been willing to start'n'park, but you know what Riggsy did do? He made races. So what's the money for not qualifying, again?

Pole Follies: Pocono

2009-06-06T18:39:06Z

1. (14) Tony Stewart, Chevrolet, Office Depot/Old Spice

Too bad he's become all respectable now that he's a team owner. I'm running out of material.

Maybe the tires will suck this week.

2. (24) Jeff Gordon, Chevrolet, DuPont

My mother does not get the appeal of Ella. She is also against sugar, spice, and everything nice.

3. (48) Jimmie Johnson, Chevrolet, Lowe's

Pole Follies would like to observe a moment of silence in memory of Raoul, who met an unfortunate fate at the hands of a weed whacker.

4. (2) Kurt Busch, Dodge, Miller Lite

I hereby christen this the Dumbo School of Qualifying, for days when you double your car number.

5. (39) Ryan Newman, Chevrolet, Haas Automation Demo Day/U.S. Army

I wonder if that "demo" is for "demonstration" or "demolition". I have to admit that the presence of the US Army leads me to the latter.

6. (18) Kyle Busch, Toyota, M&M's

If we focus our intent properly, we can ensure that he doesn't make it through another race with all four tires intact. Ever.

7. (11) Denny Hamlin, Toyota, FedEx Ground

The way he's been driving lately, he'd have better luck running a 7-11.

8. (17) Matt Kenseth, Ford, Dewalt

The Kenseths have gone to great lengths to avoid knowing the sex of their unborn child, to the point of having a friend decorate the nursery and hide it.

Wouldn't it have just been easier to not color-stereotype the kid?

9. (16) Greg Biffle, Ford, 3M

So close last week.

10. (31) Jeff Burton, Chevrolet, Caterpillar

Oops. I thought Bowyer was the only RCR car in the top 10.

11. (99) Carl Edwards, Ford, Aflac

I think they need to work on the duck. He's making Flipper drive erratically.

12. (5) Mark Martin, Chevrolet, Kellogg's/Carquest

Oh, go away. Away. Far away.

13. (00) David Reutimann, Toyota, Aaron's Dream Machine

The last time we raced on a full moon, the guy who qualified 13th wrecked early.

But don't let that discourage you.

14. (9) Kasey Kahne, Dodge, Budweiser

I think Kandy has permanently ruined me on the Scorpions, and for that, I think I strongly dislike him.

15. (42) Juan Pablo Montoya, Chevrolet, Target

In 1542, Juan Pablo sailed--dammit, wrong poem.

16. (33) Clint Bowyer, Chevrolet, Cheerios/Hamburger Helper

Hm. Hamburger Helper sounds good. Bacon Cheeseburger--wait, I don't have any milk. Drat. Guess it's lasagne.

17. (83) Brian Vickers, Toyota, Red Bull

And for the next big NASCAR scandal, they found cocaine in Red Bull in Germany

18. (88) Dale Earnhardt Jr., Chevrolet, National Guard/Amp Energy

1888: Number of mentions per hour of the crew chief swap during the Dover broadcast.

19. (1) Martin Truex Jr., Chevrolet, TomTom

Do we get to see him playing tomtoms? This is the real question.

20. (47) Marcos Ambrose, Toyota, Little Debbie/Kingsford/Clorox

Swiss Rolls, por favor. I feel the need for a chocolate fix.

21. (07) Casey Mears, Chevrolet, Jack Daniel's

I went to my parents' last night, and Ellyut was back on Trackside, and then they talked to Snrch. Talk about being well-paid for being an overworked IT person.

22. (26) Jamie McMurray, Ford, Irwin Vise-Grip

I bet he has a vise-grip on--

Ahem.

23. (20) Joey Logano, Toyota, The Home Depot

As maveness points out, his most annoying habit is that he insists on talking and smiling at the same time, and as a result talks rather like Skeletor.

24. (29) Kevin Harvick, Chevrolet, Shell/Pennzoil

Harvick has been seen in more commercials than on track this year.

25. (43) Reed Sorenson, Dodge, Valvoline Engine Guarantee

Oh, that sponsor's just begging for the engine to die at lap 5.

26. (77) Sam Hornish Jr., Dodge, Mobil 1

The sad part is, for a guy who causes 15 cautions per race, he's doing very well.

27. (19) Elliott Sadler, Dodge, Best Buy

Ellyut has the biggest damn wedding ring I've ever seen. It looks like the class ring from a military academy.

28. (96) Bobby Labonte, Ford, Ask.com

Dear Bobby: Did someone hypnotize you into thinking you were Smash?

29. (12) David Stremme, Dodge, Penske Racing

Come on, somebody get Stremme a sponsor. How 'bout one for hearing aids?

30. (44) A.J. Allmendinger, Dodge, Stanley Tools

Now Ayjay is stealing Ellyut's backup paint schemes?

31. (6) David Ragan, Ford, UPS

Um, David, hon? You're not going to be able to keep the goats fed like this.

32. (55) Michael Waltrip, Toyota, NAPA

How to kill an hour on a Friday night: Attempt to explain to my mother the difference between a really persistent rumor and an official announcement.

33. (98) Paul Menard, Ford, Pittsburgh Paints/Menards
34. (7) Robby Gordon, Toyota, Pittsburgh Paints

So Menard is not only bringing his own sponsors to the party, he's sharing them with Crash? Does Menard not have any friends?

35. (34) John Andretti, Chevrolet, Taco Bell

Mm. Yo quiero.

36. (09) Sterling Marlin, Dodge, Miccosukee Resort & Gaming

*confetti*

37. (82) Scott Speed, Toyota, Red Bull

First cocaine, now speed. Little bit of everything in that stuff, huh?

38. (71) David Gilliland, Chevrolet, Charter Air Transport.com

Well, at least he has a ride home.

39. (87) Joe Nemechek, Toyota, NEMCO Motorsports

I gots nothing on Nemechek.

40. (36) Patrick Carpentier, Toyota, Tommy Baldwin Racing

WAHOO! Le Favorite Frenchyperson is back!

41. (66) Dave Blaney, Toyota, Prism Motorsports

Cat Toy! *does the wave*

42. (78) Regan Smith, Chevrolet, Furniture Row Companies

Now they're plural companies. How interesting.

43. (51) Dexter Bean, Dodge, LiveWire Energy

I lost count. How many energy drinks do we have in the field now?

Did Not Qualify

(37) Tony Raines, Chevrolet, Long John Silver's

Raines didn't get in because the entry form was late. *pout*

(64) Mike Wallace, Toyota, Gunselman Motorsports

We've gone from being blinded by light to being appalled by misogyny. I wonder what uncomfortableness Gunselman will hire next week.

(75) Derrike Cope, Dodge, FlipnBags.com

Leave the flipping to Flipper, man. He's a pro.

Pole Follies: Dover

2009-05-30T11:09:50Z

1. (00) David Reutimann, Toyota, Aaron's Dream Machine

All hail Root, the winner of the 24 Hours of Concord!

2. (9) Kasey Kahne, Dodge, Budweiser

Kandy was looking particularly pretty last week, don't you think?

3. (42) Juan Pablo Montoya, Chevrolet, Target

I can hear McMerry cussing from here.

4. (43) Reed Sorenson, Dodge, U.S. Air Force

The Air Force had better beat the Army, Reed. There's a base next door.

5. (16) Greg Biffle, Ford, 3M Nexcare

Biffle and band-aids. Well, that should make repairs easier.

6. (18) Kyle Busch, Toyota, M&M's

Scrubby, unhappy with getting booed only by half of Junior Nation, has decided to go for broke by insulting Junior.

Seriously, Scrub? There are stalkers out there who think you should just let it go. It's not like you haven't done twice as well with Gibbs as you ever did with Hendrick, and Preacher Gibbs doesn't make you play second fiddle to anybody.

7. (44) A.J. Allmendinger, Dodge, Auto Value/Bumper to Bumper

"Bumper to Bumper" would be a much more appropriate sponsor for Crash or Smash.

8. (48) Jimmie Johnson, Chevrolet, Lowe's/Kobalt Tools

"CHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD! I can't find Jeff! Where did Jeffy go?"

9. (83) Brian Vickers, Toyota, Red Bull

TEH SQUISH!

10. (19) Elliott Sadler, Dodge, Stanley Tools

I hate that car. You can't see it on the track. Especially at night.

11. (39) Ryan Newman, Chevrolet, U.S. Army

Careful, now. You're in the Air Force's territory.

12. (77) Sam Hornish Jr., Dodge, Mobil 1

Redefining "wham bam" in every race.

13. (99) Carl Edwards, Ford, Aflac

I used to think the duck was holding him back. Now I'm wondering if he's holding the duck back.

14. (17) Matt Kenseth, Ford, Dewalt

This is an unusually good qualifying run for the Evil One. That's not necessarily good for the rest of the field.

15. (1) Martin Truex Jr., Chevrolet, Bass Pro Shops/Tracker

I still haven't been able to sing. Doofus.

16. (11) Denny Hamlin, Toyota, FedEx Office

Damnlin is providing pathetically little in the way of Pole Follies material of late.

17. (07) Casey Mears, Chevrolet, Jack Daniel's

1707: The last time Snrch had a decent race.

18. (26) Jamie McMurray, Ford, Crown Royal

Ellyut went thataway. Sic 'im.

19. (2) Kurt Busch, Dodge, Miller Lite

It's a pity you don't like your brother any more than the rest of us. You're the only person who could probably get away with beating some sense into his scrawny ass.

20. (47) Marcos Ambrose, Toyota, RaceSavers.com

Where was that sponsor last week, when we could've used it?

21. (20) Joey Logano, Toyota, The Home Depot

His arrogance is starting to reform. Somebody please dent it. Severely.

22. (88) Dale Earnhardt Jr., Chevrolet, Amp Energy/National Guard

For all those under a rock this week, Junior has a new crew chief. Because that worked so well when he was over at DEI.

NASCAR: We don't just worship history, we repeat it. And repeat it. And repeat it.

23. (82) Scott Speed, Toyota, Red Bull

I have the sudden urge to yell "WHEEEE!" And I don't know why.

24. (71) David Gilliland, Chevrolet, CompUSA

CompUSA is still in business?

25. (33) Clint Bowyer, Chevrolet, The Hartford

That's a little high-class for us NASCAR types, ain't it?

26. (6) David Ragan, Ford, UPS

All those wondering how long it will be before UPS makes him actually skydive into the infield, raise your hand.

27. (96) Bobby Labonte, Ford, Ask.com/AutismSpeaks.com

Dear Bobby: Where have all the informational tidbits gone?

28. (5) Mark Martin, Chevrolet, Kellogg's/Carquest

There is now a Carquest in Asheboro.

Where was that when Casey was in the damn car?

29. (55) Michael Waltrip, Toyota, NAPA

Mikey sorta won.

30. (12) David Stremme, Dodge, Penske Racing

Stremme needs a sponsor. A real one.

31. (14) Tony Stewart, Chevrolet, Office Depot/Old Spice

I'm running out of material. I hate it when Junior sucks up the entire news cycle.

32. (31) Jeff Burton, Chevrolet, Caterpillar

Close, but no RCSOQ.

33. (78) Regan Smith, Chevrolet, Furniture Row Companies

Oh, look who's back.

34. (36) Mike Skinner, Toyota, Tommy Baldwin Racing

This is just what we need at Dover: Mr. I'd Wreck My Own Crippled Grandma And Her Walker For A Win.

35. (29) Kevin Harvick, Chevrolet, Shell/Pennzoil

Harvick, we wouldn't mind you qualifying back here so much if you could pull an occasional Kenseth and win.

36. (98) Paul Menard, Ford, Pittsburgh Paints/Menards

I got nothing on Menard. I can't even make a sideburns joke, since there seem to be conflicting reports about their existence.

37. (09) Mike Bliss, Dodge, Phoenix Racing

The field is Blissful. Well, except for Scrub.

38. (87) Joe Nemechek, Toyota, G.P.'s Enterprises/Huckleberry's BBQ/LubePro's

Got enough sponsors there, Joe?

PS: LubePro's what?

39. (66) Dave Blaney, Toyota, Prism Motorsports

BLANEY!

40. (7) Robby Gordon, Toyota, Richmond Water Heaters

I hope this isn't the same water-heater sponsor that kept setting Riggsy's car on fire.

41. (34) John Andretti, Chevrolet, Taco Bell

Yo quiero Taco Bell.

42. (24) Jeff Gordon, Chevrolet, DuPont

Due to a rare qualifying crash, Jeffypoo gets the CMPSOQ.

43. (37) Tony Raines, Chevrolet, Long John Silver's

Pirates would be so much more appropriate for BadTony, wouldn't they?

Did Not Qualify

(06) David Starr , Dodge, Boys Will Be Boys Racing Co.

That team name is much cuter when it's driven by a guy named Boys.

(13) Max Papis, Toyota, GEICO

No fair! We need Il Gecko Italiano!

(25) Brad Keselowski, Chevrolet, GoDaddy.com

Junior's protege didn't make it? Don't tell Kyle Busch, he'll never shut up.

(75) Derrike Cope, Dodge, Cope/Keller Racing

It's sad that all I want to know is whether or not that's Jason Keller, isn't it?

Pole Follies: Charlotte

2009-05-23T15:14:25Z

You could not pay me enough to go to this race this year. Not after the last two race weeks.

Well, not in specie of the realm, anyhow.

1. (39) Ryan Newman, Chevrolet, U.S. Army

The crowd cheered wildly when he took the lead from Scrub.

The crowd was wildly confused when he was not in the lead after that caution.

2. (18) Kyle Busch, Toyota, M&M's

Still hated.

3. (24) Jeff Gordon, Chevrolet, DuPont

Not hated as much.

4. (5) Mark Martin, Chevrolet, Carquest/Kellogg's

In keeping with my family's tradition of utter inanity, my father has declared that he will now pull for The Wrinkled One, as Martin is no longer driving a Ford.

In keeping with my family's other traditions, he drove me crazy announcing this.

5. (48) Jimmie Johnson, Chevrolet, Lowe's

Never take bets from children. You end up losing your pet Raoul and looking like a famine victim.

6. (9) Kasey Kahne, Dodge, Budweiser

And His Prettiness receives the eponymous KKSOQ.

7. (09) Mike Bliss, Dodge, Phoenix Racing

Note the back-to-backness of the 9 and the 09. This is just the beginning of tonight's wacky numerology.

8. (83) Brian Vickers, Toyota, Red Bull

TEH SQUISH!

9. (42) Juan Pablo Montoya, Chevrolet, Target

That reminds me, I need to go to Wal-Mart.

10. (21) Bill Elliott, Ford, Motorcraft

I would have been done with Pole Follies six hours ago, but I got sidetracked looking for factoids, wound up finding the artists of some pictures I'd saved, and now I'm back to using the age of said paintings in a weak connection to another non-retirement joke for Noisome Bill.

(Seriously. I went to find a factoid at 0200. It is now 1112 and I have bought spices, a 75%-off National Geographic subscription, bits for a hobby, and assorted other shit. And still no factoid.)

11. (87) Joe Nemechek, Toyota, Huckleberry's BBQ

We get Huckleberry Pie with that, right? Classic Huckleberry Pie, too. None of this re-imagined shit.

12. (1) Martin Truex Jr., Chevrolet, Bass Pro Shops/NWTF
13. (11) Denny Hamlin, Toyota, FedEx Express

See what I mean about the numerology?

14. (20) Joey Logano, Toyota, The Home Depot

Somebody needs to take him aside and tell him that his habit of simultaneously talking and smiling makes him look exceedingly creepy, not endearing.

Lacking that, somebody needs to take him aside and hit him over the head. Hard.

15. (19) Elliott Sadler, Dodge, Best Buy

I have finally hung up the new Ellyut window flag. Well, actually, it's just a flag, but I put it over my back door window because I have no other place to put it. Also, I didn't need it, but I felt ridiculously guilty over the souvenir lady who shared her fan.

16. (16) Greg Biffle, Ford, American Red Cross/3M

Biffle with the RCSOQ!

17. (2) Kurt Busch, Dodge, Miller Lite "Taste Protector"

What are we protecting the taste from, exactly?

18. (82) Scott Speed, Toyota, Red Bull

I'd put in a factoid, but considering what happened the last time I sashayed over to Wiki, we'll be better off if I don't.

19. (99) Carl Edwards, Ford, Aflac

I can't decide between our habitual sale joke or a random Prince song.

20. (96) Bobby Labonte, Ford, Ask.com

Dear Bobby: Why did our lawnmower man decide that "mow the back yard" meant "don't mow the back yard"?

21. (00) David Reutimann, Toyota, Aaron's Dream Machine

This is the most competitive that Flipper and Root prices have been all year.

22. (29) Kevin Harvick, Chevrolet, Shell/Pennzoil

Well, at least it's not 1929. This is unexplored territory for you.

23. (47) Marcos Ambrose, Toyota, Kingsford/Clorox

Well, now, those two I can do something with, without worrying about contaminating the world's Little Debbie stockpiles.

24. (33) Clint Bowyer, Chevrolet, Cheerios/Hamburger Helper

There was the most adorable drunken Bowyer fan at the All-Star Race. She kept cheering wildly for the 07. I had to break the news to her that he wasn't in the 07 anymore.

25. (66) Dave Blaney, Toyota, Aaron's Dream Machine
26. (77) Sam Hornish Jr., Dodge, Mobil 1
27. (88) Dale Earnhardt Jr., Chevrolet, National Guard/Amp Energy

I see what y'all did there.

28. (14) Tony Stewart, Chevrolet, Office Depot/Old Spice

I have reached a point where I do not begrudge Bluto his All-Star win. Of course, by the time the race was over, all I wanted was to see the fireworks and get the fuck out of there.

29. (71) David Gilliland, Chevrolet, Hyde Park Storage Suites
30. (17) Matt Kenseth, Ford, R+L Carriers

At least the wacky numbers are making my weekend easier.

(Also: Gratuitous Former Nadeau Sponsor Mention! *confetti*)

31. (98) Paul Menard, Ford, Johns Manville/Menards

I understand that Shrock seems to be missing? Was Menard involved in Johnson's bet?

32. (13) Max Papis, Toyota, GEICO

Oh, come on. If anybody deserved the CMPSOQ it was Il Gecko Italiano.

33. (26) Jamie McMurray, Ford, Irwin Vise-Grip

Vise. Grip.

Oh, there's a zillion innuendos I could make, but I'll let you guys exercise your imaginations.

34. (6) David Ragan, Ford, UPS
35. (12) David Stremme, Dodge, Penske Racing

Not enough that we have all these Davids, noooooo. We gotta stick them all in the same place.

36. (07) Casey Mears, Chevrolet, Jack Daniel's
37. (7) Robby Gordon, Toyota, Jim Beam/Operation Homefront

This bit of wacky numerology, combined with competitive likker, is going to smack the shit out of Snrch.

38. (44) A.J. Allmendinger, Dodge, Hunt Brothers Pizza
39. (55) Michael Waltrip, Toyota, NAPA

Even more wacky numerology. Honestly, how did they do this?

40. (31) Jeff Burton, Chevrolet, Caterpillar

My God. Snrch isn't the last RCR car?

41. (34) Tony Raines, Chevrolet, Taco Bell

Yo quiero Good Tony to do well.

42. (43) Reed Sorenson, Dodge, U.S. Air Force

Oh, so close!

43. (36) Scott Riggs, Toyota, Tommy Baldwin Racing

Is it sad that I want to pull for Riggsy just because it's so much fun to talk about his hometown?

Bahama. Buh-hay-ma. Sounds like an exotic ingredient in an ice cream sundae.

Did Not Qualify

(06) David Starr, Dodge, Roni Deutch Tax Center

I'm sorry to inform you that we are currently well past our David Quota. Please try again when you have a less common name, like Jeff or Tony. We suggest Gazornenplatz.

(41) J.J. Yeley, Toyota, SmallSponsor.com

No Squash? *pouts*

(64) Todd Bodine, Toyota, Gunselman Motorsports

I guess he was blinded by his own light this week. Gotta watch where you put those mirrors.

(73) Mike Garvey, Dodge, Quality Concrete

Marcus, dude, did you build the car out of concrete?