Current mood:	creative
Current music:	Food City 250
Entry tags:	2008, bristol

Pole Follies: Bristol

Well, it used to be. The COT is taking the FUN out of things.

1. (99) Carl Edwards, Ford, Office Depot

Cheapest Flippers of the year! Grab 'em while you can!

Also, you may want to get out of mainelorelei's way.

2. (44) David Reutimann, Toyota, UPS

Well, damn! Good boy!

3. (24) Jeff Gordon, Chevrolet, DuPont

Gentle reader eliz ponders: I wonder if Jeff Gordon ever wakes up from nightmares where Tom Cruise decides to do a biopic of him?

4. (01) Regan Smith, Chevrolet, DEI/Principal Financial Group

Report: Possible proof of Regan's existence discovered; story at 11

5. (21) Bill Elliott, Ford, Motorcraft

So, if Needs Ironing is going back to full-time racing and Snrch is going to Childress, does that mean Petty is going to hire Noisome Bill and bring him out of his so-called retirement?

6. (29) Kevin Harvick, Chevrolet, Pennzoil Platinum

Dear Kevin Harvick:

If you should, you know, accidentally punt the hell out of Kyle Busch early on, I will love you forever will totally forgive you for the snide remarks about my boy Nadeau at Chicago in 2001. Think of it as getting the engine gunk out of my brain.

Sincerely,

Bubbles
c/o pole_follies

PS: If you would like the rest of the Shitlist for wrecking purposes, I will be perfectly happy to send it to you.

7. (96) Ken Schrader, Toyota, DLP HDTV

Schrader will be our honorary Squash for the race. Which makes me hate Hall of Fame a little less for punting Yeley to the curb. *pouts*

8. (84) A.J. Allmendinger, Toyota, Red Bull

I begin to think you just like the challenge of qualifying on time.

9. (18) Kyle Busch, Toyota, M&M's

Preacher Gibbs is a big-time cheat
Doo dah, doo dah
Hope he has fun chewing on his feet
Oh doo dah day

Oh, come on. You knew I was going to say something.

10. (19) Elliott Sadler, Dodge, Stanley Tools

During Busch pre-race, Ellyut was seen running. Interestingly, he hung a sharp right at the Crown Royal pits.

11. (12) Ryan Newman, Dodge, Alltel

Because Tony Stewart is an entitlement monkey, he neglected to ask Morgan-McClure if he could have their sacred car number, and as a result Newman will be driving the 39 next year.

12. (1) Martin Truex Jr., Chevrolet, Bass Pro Shops/Tracker/"Driven to the Outdoors"

This effin' season's about to drive me to the outdoors.

13. (9) Kasey Kahne, Dodge, Budweiser

I am pleased to announce the presence of Budweiser in my hometown grocery store. We have officially joined the 20th century.

Now, to get into the 21st before the 22nd.

14. (16) Greg Biffle, Ford, DISH Network Turbo HD

I can't help it. I see that sponsor, and I see a high-powered gadget from Iron Chef. Something that juliennes and makes macaroons.

15. (38) David Gilliland, Ford, Ford. Drive one.

Last time, that didn't work so well.

16. (15) Paul Menard, Chevrolet, Quaker State/Menards/"Driven to the Outdoors"

We can't let them drive Menard to the outdoors! There's not enough electricity out there to run the razors that keep the Sideburns O' Doom sharpened!

17. (5) Casey Mears, Chevrolet, Pop-Tarts/CARQUEST

Pop-Tarts?

*stares*

*closes jaw*

*retrieves mind from gutter*

Will not make exceedingly dirty joke. Will not make exceedingly dirty joke. Will not make exceedingly dirty joke. Will not make....

18. (31) Jeff Burton, Chevrolet, AT&T Mobility

According to Alan "My Hair Is Made Of Plastic But Nobody Notices When I Stand Between Johnson And Mears" Bestwick, Richard Childress is an organization now. And here I thought he was just putting on a little weight.

19. (2) Kurt Busch, Dodge, Miller Lite

Well, last week, at least you weren't the first caution.

20. (70) Tony Raines, Chevrolet, Hunt Brothers Pizza

GOOD TONY! And he brought pizza!

Oh, like the other Tony would ever share his pizza. Or any other foodlike items.

21. (11) Denny Hamlin, Toyota, FedEx Freight

Report: Search continues for Hamlin's chin; authorities not hopeful

22. (07) Clint Bowyer, Chevrolet, Jack Daniel's/"Driven to the Outdoors"

Why are you sharing a special program with DEI? Is Childress taking y'all yak hunting or something?

23. (8) Aric Almirola, Chevrolet, U.S. Army

So why is it that Needs Ironing doesn't do Bristol? Is he afraid someone will iron him?

24. (09) Sterling Marlin, Chevrolet, Miccosukee Resort & Gaming

Hey, Sterling! Long time no see!

25. (17) Matt Kenseth, Ford, DEWALT

Plz to be getting into the Chase kthxbai.

26. (83) Brian Vickers, Toyota, Red Bull

*consults notes* I seem to have run out of material on Vickers. Waah.

27. (6) David Ragan, Ford, AAA Insurance

Ragan and the goats have to go to the back of the field after Bristol bit him in the ass.

28. (20) Tony Stewart, Toyota, The Home Depot

Continuing a spate of bad judgment calls, Gibbs is putting Joey Logano in as Bluto's replacement. I mean, Logano's got potential, sure, but this also has the potential to turn into another Casey Atwood situation. Really, is it gonna kill them to make him spend a full season in Nationwide?

29. (45) Kyle Petty, Dodge, Wells Fargo

KYLE! It's the good Kyle, everybody! He's back!

30. (41) Reed Sorenson, Dodge, TUMS Quik Pak

You always have the most apropos sponsors.

31. (7) Robby Gordon, Dodge, Planet Color/Barrett Jackson

Crash, is that sponsor even in bad English?

32. (28) Travis Kvapil, Ford, "Knight Rider"

KITT rules. So does Waffle.

*wafflewafflewaffle*

33. (00) Mike Skinner, Toyota, Champion Mortgage

Ah, Mike Spinner at Bristol. There will be blood tonight much work for the fab shop Monday!

34. (48) Jimmie Johnson, Chevrolet, Lowe's

"CHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD! I'm behind Kahvaypil! Fix it! CHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD!"

35. (77) Sam Hornish Jr., Dodge, Mobil 1

Sammy, I have for thee a challenge: Get through a race without hitting anything. Seriously. Just one. Don't hit the wall, don't hit your competitors, don't hit the cone on pit road. Don't even hit yourself in the head with a hammer, which I suspect you're doing just for kicks if the way you drive is any indication.

36. (22) Dave Blaney, Toyota, Caterpillar

Poor Blaney got walloped last week. *sniffle* *evil mutters about Newman*

37. (43) Bobby Labonte, Dodge, Cheerios "Box Tops for Education"

Per audience request: The story of Bobby and the Beaver.

It's calmer than I thought. I thought there were explosives involved.

38. (66) Scott Riggs, Chevrolet, State Water Heaters

Riggs hasn't spontaneously combusted in awhile. He's overdue.

39. (42) Juan Pablo Montoya, Dodge, Juicy Fruit Slim Pack

I got nothing on the Mantoy.

40. (88) Dale Earnhardt Jr., Chevrolet, AMP Energy/National Guard

I thought I heard a prolonged spate of whining that didn't sound like "CHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD."

41. (26) Jamie McMurray, Ford, Sharpie

*headdesk* Dude.

42. (55) Michael Waltrip, Toyota, NAPA AUTO PARTS

I'm afraid to say anything for fear you'll actually listen to me and finish in the 40s. Again.

43. (78) Joe Nemechek, Chevrolet, Furniture Row/DenverMattress.com

This is Front Row Joe's evil twin, Back Row Joseph. You can tell by the Evil Facial Hair.


Did Not Qualify

(08) Johnny Sauter, Dodge, getFUBAR.com

Okay, now I know this team is trying to kill people. Sauter + FUBAR + Bristol?

(10) Patrick Carpentier, Dodge, Valvoline

Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! There is no Le Frenchyperson to talk funny to the Bristolpeoples!

(34) Jeff Green, Chevrolet, Front Row Motorsports

*nods sagely, rosemarily, and thymely* Rule 34.